Chillin'

Our relationship has been so sweet lately, so comfortable....like a fluffy sueded sweatshirt you can't wait to pull over your head on a damp day. I've never been in this part of a relationship before. Usually, all the guys I've been with...Mr, babydaddy...have started to misbehave by now, and are creeping, and I'm stuck with that perpetual sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But not with Malcolm. We've gotten to the slow part, where the whirlwind romance has backed away, and you find yourself dropped in the middle of a beautiful meadow, sun shining, and full of life. We KNOW each other pretty well, but still find the time to discover new secrets about one another. We smack talk each other alot, comfortable at last to know that the other person has the fortitude to take it, and dish it out as well. Are we still a D/s couple? Absolutely. But I don't walk behind him on a leash (except on certain occasions when it strikes his fancy, LOL). I walk, most every day, beside him while he holds my hand. Sometimes giving in to my Dom chafes a bit. He sees me struggling some days to comply, my eyebrow shooting up, my lips thinning. He laughs when he sees it, knowing I'm struggling to do what I want versus taking the needs of US, as a couple, into consideration. But I've found that when I think about us as a unit, as a family, I'm much more inclined to choose what's best for the family as opposed to just doing whatever the hell I want.

I ended my ownership of Affinity, although not my immediate involvement. There is a wonderful charming couple that has taken over the reigns for me, and is so far doing exceptionally well. I was sad, at first to be done, it felt like there was an enormous void of activity in my life when I didn't have to fuss with the group so much. But I'd made a promise to Malcolm to see it done, and I did. We're free now to pursue our own life within the lifestyle, and not trapped into entertaining a group that neither one of us started. I'm happy to just take the summer off from all parties and just chill out with Malcolm and my daughter. I find I'm tired of hosting, tired of the drama, the loss of revenue, the no shows and all the bullshit. I just want to hang out with the man I love and cherish, and show my daughter an awesome summer.

Our sex life remains unsurpassed. Every encounter, every night or day we spend together just becomes more and more incredible. I would have thought that our sex life by now would have become predictable, and to a certain extent it has. But it is predictable in the sense that I KNOW I'm going to cum, and cum A LOT!! It's a predictable I crave, looking forward to the moments we plan, or the moments we steal. And I find I'm losing my shyness in the bedroom, and some of my sub-ness, and becoming more fiery and more demanding. I KNOW what I like him to do, and I like pushing his hand so that he'll finger or fist me until I come 6 ways to tomorrow. I like it when he asks me to ride him, and I see him fighting to maintain control. I love sensing that he's on the verge of cumming, and he's trying to control it to make our lovemaking last longer. And I love taking control of that moment and pushing him over the edge fast and hard so that it makes him seize up and scream. I especially like it when he loses control so much that he forgets himself and bites me while he's screaming, leaving a perfect imprint of his mouth upon my shoulder blade.

I like that love has gone from a rolling boil to a low and slow simmer. I still struggle with trying to really grasp that this is all real. That nothing awful will happen to smash it all to pieces in a heartbeat. But the more I talk to people, the more they confirm for me, without being asked, how real it is. It isn't perfect, but it is damn good. More than two years later, we're still both excited to talk to each other every day. Surely that's a great sign? LOL

Spring Fling, Part 2

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Spring Fling, part 1

Gearing up for an event always makes me a little crazy. The endless demands people make to convenience themselves at our expense irritate me even while Malcolm does his best to reassure me that it will turn out just fine, like it always does. This weekend we are hosting our BBW Spring Fling, and hosting it in MA, hoping to accommodate some of our MA and NH BBW's and BBW Lovers. We found this awesome 2 bed king suite situated in Tewksbury, not too far, and right off the Pike. And the price was awesome as well. It seemed like a win-win, though that waits to be seen.

The quality of the men that consistently attend the BBW events is unsurpassed. Malcolm is an incredible specimen of a man, beautiful, riveting, ripped, hung, and talented. He likes hosting in MA because his "brothers" come out to join us, and they are all such freakin hot eye candy. I'm normally less than enthusiastic about looking at men because most of them can't beat Malcolm for looks and body, and everything else I love about him. But honest to goodness, these guys are just fucking HOT. Really.

Malcolm and I enjoy ourselves immensely at these events. They are much more relaxed than the Affinity events, much less structured. It's a come and go as you will kind of party, and we pretty much just hang out and make merry with everyone. No buffet to fuss over, no Inn or Bartenders to make happy, no DJ to worry about. And since we are IN the "hospitality rooms" for the entire party, no worries about what's going on when we're not looking. It makes for a really fun weekend for us with minimal stress.

Malcolm extended an unprecedented offer to Jachin for this party. Malcolm was of course dead set against my allowing Medusa 1 to attend the Affinity party, but after hearing that she didn't act like a fool, at least that I knew of, he decided to let Jachin know that he was welcome to escort her to our BBW Spring Fling. Jachin regularly pleads for Medusa 1 to be allowed back into the Man Cave, from which she was banned for behavioral reasons. Malcolm has stood firm, balking at changing his mind over someone he doesn't think can act right. So Malcolm told Jachin, thru me, that he should bring her to our party tomorrow night. Should she behave decently, he might be inclined to begin to reconsider his position.

I thought Jachin would be thrilled by the invite. But OMG no. The answer was a very shrill and adamant NO! Alrighty then. I'm sure he has his reasons, known only to him, and I could speculate on them and probably come pretty close to the mark on it. Malcolm's voiced his opinion...something to the effect that Jachin only takes her to "safe" parties where she's pretty much guaranteed to not meet anyone that she'd genuinely like to fuck. Again, this is all speculation, God only knows the real reasons. Of course ours is genuinely a BBW/BBC party, and that makes Jachin extremely extremely uncomfortable. That many beautiful single black men all available for a girls wildest fantasy and pleasure.... mmm hmmm.

Of course she'd have to deal with seeing Malcolm and I fuck, and fuck repeatedly. Have to deal with watching him lick and drink my pussy like nectar, watch as he makes me cum for him over and over again. I'd probably refrain from engaging in sexual activity with Jachin, for the sake of every one's comfort. Malcolm might not like that, but with so many other men to engage myself with, I'm sure he'd forgive the slight.

So the offer goes unfilled. I hope Jachin realizes that it took Malcolm some fortitude to extend it in the first place. Took him putting his feelings on the matter aside to be fair. I personally think Jachin is reinforcing his perceived inability to share by digging in his heels and saying NO! so adamantly. But things will carry on like they were, and Jachin has missed an opportunity to get what he seemed to want so damn bad: Man Cave Rights.

Speaking Honestly

I've been thinking about this blog for a few days now, not really sure how to verbalize what I'm feeling without sounding too mushy or redundant. I think by now everyone on the planet has a pretty good idea that I'm down and dirty in love with Malcolm. And maybe I spend a lot of time going on about my feelings so that I don't have to worry about the teeny tiny insecurity of whether or not he loves me back.

Women have the innate capacity to create whole scenarios in their minds that don't exist in real life. It's based on what they want and expect, especially from men, and really has little to do with what the man wants and expects. Women are trained from early on to expect a man to be her boyfriend, to expect the boyfriend to eventually become her husband, and to have children, a family, and eventually grow old and die with that person. I believe that is what is referred to as "the fairy tale". But what do guys want? Well, they don't usually want or expect that. Mostly they just want as much pussy as they can get in their quest to stick their cocks in as many on the planet as they can convince to let them. Guys like freedom, they like variety, they like the chase. Most guys anyway... I'll give credit to the few that really do want the whole wife/kids/family/death thing.

I was still fairly naive when I started dating Jachin. I still believed that I could listen to the words he said to me about wanting to be with me, wanting to create a fairy tale, and giving him a chance, and that somehow they would be truthful. After 6 years with him, I finally understood the game somewhat, but still not really. Until Malcolm. Malcolm was a guy who was willing to take the time to patiently explain the game to me as I was watching it. He was always matter of fact, cautioning me to keep my emotions out of, teaching me how to think more like a man, and leave the silliness of the emotional behind. As a woman myself, I've always been more analytical than emotional anyways, always grasped more onto the common sense than the fantasies, and always been able to pretty much deal with "it is what it is." Malcolm liked that about me a whole lot, and was willing to work with me so that I could understand what it was that was really happening, since I just didn't have the background or real life experience to get it on my own. It was this patience of Malcolm's that stopped me from turning my rage and disappointment in Jachin to all out hatred.

Malcolm and I have had many talks. But lately, since we've worked things out and really decided to be a couple, he's taking it more seriously than I'd ever hoped or dreamed. I always worry that the other shoe will drop, and the rug will get pulled out from under me, like it was with Jachin. I worry about strange women interfering in me and my daughter's life for no other reason than they think that they have a right to steal away the man that has chosen to be with me, just like how it was with Jachin then and now. But with Malcolm it's never been like that. There was the one issue two years ago with the baby momma, but he shut it down immediately. Other than that, I am untouchable, a sacred thing in his life that he will not let another woman fuck with. Period.

So we talked the other day, and almost started to argue about him and the baby mommas, simply because at the root, he's not essentially happy with how he has to act in order to keep the peace. And his unhappiness affects me, and makes me want to make things better, fix things for him so that he is happy. But in matters of children and their mother's, there isn't a fix. I become idealistic and a bit unreasonable, expecting these women to live up to my standards and expectations of behavior in a model, civil world. But that isn't real life, it's a fairy tale too. So our discussion got a little heated, and we both decided it was a good time to break the conversation. But I realized, in the end, that his life "is what it is". There isn't a quick easy fix to it, and things really can't change at this point, not for the better anyways. They could be much much worse. Ultimately my decision is to stay and deal, or leave. Do I love him enough to stay and put up with the baggage? Or is it too much?

The honest to God truth is that I've never been happier with a man. I feel loved beyond reason, I feel protected and cherished. I feel valued and appreciated. I feel coveted, I feel WANTED. I feel everything a man is supposed to make a woman feel, and I'm so much more than content. The baggage, yeah it bites. But not enough to make me leave this miracle of a man to settle for something so much less. I texted him an apology for starting the argument, and told him that I loved him. He called me back to let me know he wasn't mad, and that he understood my opinion and how in a perfect world I'd be right. That was how we came to concensus, and I decided to be honest with him about a whole lot of everything, including Jachin.

I told him I trusted him unconditionally, that I felt like I could breathe when I was with him, and know that everything would be ok. It's hard to trust someone like that, to not worry that they aren't gonna fuck it all up while you take a moment out of the game. But I do with him. I trust him enough to kneel in his palm and allow him to direct the way. I trust him with my well being and safety, with my sexual life, and with my heart. I've always blogged it before, but never told him outright. And we had an honest conversation about me and sex, and other men. I told him I'd decided awhile back, last summer to be exact, that seeing other men was pointless. Though I'd engaged a couple guys for play back then on occasion, it didn't satisfy me sexually, only left me horny for Malcolm....and I hated that these guys would, on occasion, show up uninvited. That was creepy. So I put an end to it all, using the jealous boyfriend excuse, and happily waited for the times when I could just be with Malcolm. The only other men that I've seen in a one on one situation was Ian, with Malcolm's blessing, and Jachin. And that just didn't work out either.

I'd told Malcolm in the past that going forward, I only wanted to know if he saw other people. I just wanted both of us to be upfront and honest about it as a fairness thing. I knew that he definitely wanted to know about what I was doing, and for awhile didn't really care either way. But the game changed after we came back together after my uncle's death. Malcolm suddenly did care, and quite a lot.
He didn't want me to see other guys at all anymore, he wanted me to be chaste to him unless we could play together. I was fine with that as long as he was giving me the same thing, which I had no real reason to doubt, except for the fact that Jachin would insinuate these "things" about Malcolm without actually saying anything. I don't think Jachin was lying, but I do know that any man that actively tries to sabotage another man's relationship has motives that are questionable. And there was no doubt that Jachin was trying to plant enough doubt about Malcolm in my mind that I'd leave him. Do I think that maybe Malcolm was seeing other women? Yep, I do. And it made me a little pissed that he couldn't be honest with me the way he expected me to be honest with him. Somehow though, I started thinking about the nature of our relationship, about our pact that neither of us believed in monogamy as a lifestyle choice. Thinking about that made me realize that at the end of every encounter, he always came back to me, no matter what. Just like at parties, when he enjoys himself with other women, I always know without a shadow of a doubt that he's looking forward to being with me as my partner and mate.

Patience and understanding have never been virtues that I've had in abundance. But I have had them with Malcolm, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because the waiting always pays off. Or maybe it's because he calms and soothes me enough to practice both patience and understanding. Regardless of the reasons, I found out over the past few days that having had both has put me in the place I've always dreamed of: a genuine equal partnership with a man who shows me his love by his actions as much as by his words. He told me today that he intends, going forward, to be upfront with me about his goings on. That he wants to do things WITH me, not behind my back. That he loves me, and enjoys our life together. Especially enjoys our sex life, and doesn't feel the need to seek out anything else. That he doesn't want the hassle of women acting neurotic the same way I don't want the hassle of other men acting like idiots. I hadn't thought it possible to feel any more in love with someone. But this feeling, like being a vessel that is poured full, to the brim. That's how I feel, I feel so full of his love, and I feel so amazingly happy that he's declared it all real for me, as real to him as it is to me. It's also amazing that he knows me so intimately, so very very WELL. He knows my fears, and he knows how to soothe them, one by one, until I'm laying curled by his side breathing his rhythm and basking in his scent, completely and totally his. It's a battle he's waged well, and with incredible skill, to allay my many fears. I count myself fortunate to have a man that loves me so very much, so openly, and so thoroughly.

Thank you God.

Men In Kilts

This past weekend we hosted Fetish Night. I had my reservations, worrying that the theme was too hardcore for our members, too risque. The attendance was down this month, and I figured it was because of the theme, even though there was another huge party going on this weekend in good ole New Brunswick.

Words really can't express how extraordinary this party was. It was honestly our best to date, certainly our most memorable. The party was amazing, the food and party games were off the hook, and the hospitality rooms...holy god.

Malcolm had promised to be there, knowing how important this night was to me. As my master, it was his obligation to be there to keep me. It was also our night to reaffirm our D/s relationship, and to break in my brand new collar. Last month, although the party was a roaring success (BiFem Night), all my stuff got stolen, including my toy bag, which contained my much loved collar. That old collar was a conundrum. Jachin had originally purchased it for me, had hand picked it out along with the unusual attachment. It was a one of a kind collar, beautiful, expensive, and unique. He and I wore it once during sex play and he discovered that he hated the thing because it covered too much of my neck, and he couldn't choke the mess out of me when I was wearing it. So we really never used it again. Malcolm collared me with it though, and it had a whole new life. I was sad to lose it, Malcolm had loved it as well. But somehow starting over has been exciting as well. This new collar is not burdened with memories of another lover. It is pure, and it is Malcolm and I as Master and Sub.

Malcolm had to be in Boston this weekend, but he proved his love to me yet again by making the drive back to Maine to Ogunquit, staying for the majority of the party, and then having to drive back to Boston in the wee hours of the morning. He could have changed his mind, I could honestly tell he wanted to. But he knew how much it meant to me, and he didn't want to leave me alone again this month. He wanted to be by my side. And he made it. I didn't see him when he first arrived, but when someone said to me "Hey! Look who it is!" My head turned and my eyes lit up. I ran to him, and jumped into his arms. He laughed his special laugh for me when he is delighted by my love and affection. And we went up to Ian's room to get him changed into his outfit for the night.

I can't honestly think of a stronger statement of masculinity than to wear a kilt. You have to be sure of who you are, ready to rock it, ready to look at someone who wants to jeer at you and say "Yeah, AND?" As you can see above, it was a kilt kind of night. Women were mopping up their chins, and my beautiful Malcolm had all the women agog at him as he pranced in his hand made kilt, even in the midst of the other two who had more beautifully made garments. He said he still loved his best. LOL. He changed into his ensemble, making sure to be totally naked underneath. It's only a kilt if you are, otherwise, if you're wearing undies, it's just a man-skirt, so says our awesome DJ, as shown on the left. LOLOL. Once Malcolm was dressed, and had his bad ass boots on as well, I showed him the box full of new sub items that had arrived for me. Normally the sub and her master would shop together, but Malcolm had me describe everything I was ordering, and gave his approval. I made sure to get all the accessories to go with it, and he methodically and patiently locked me into my new collar, wrist cuffs, and ankle cuffs.

I felt beautiful last night. More beautiful than I have in a long time. It was reflected apparently since I was handed many many complements. But it can't even begin to compare to how I felt after I was collared. I truly BECAME Lilith, smoky eyed, insatiable, and totally devoted to my Master. Collaring has always been exciting for me, but last night, shackled, I never felt more radiant in my servitude. In my slip corset, ankles bound, and barefoot...padlocks on all my cuffs...I belonged to him utterly. His hand on my leash left no uncertainty to anyone that I was his property. And being his has it's amazing benefits. I am sheltered and protected as a thing of great worth, as his displeasure and wrath are a scary and ferocious thing. I am cared for by everyone who clucks and fusses over me, making sure I am ok. The men are honor bound to keep me safe and happy. The women cherish me as Himself's favored woman. It's a hard concept to verbalize, but in this dog eat dog world, my servitude to Malcolm as his sub puts his stamp on me whether or not he is present in the room, and I am wrapped in a cocoon of his making even when he cannot be with me. It is the most wonderful and loved feeling I have ever known.

He was ravenous last night. And he was incredible. When he began to play, the kilt came off, convenient as it was, and he was unstoppable. I love to watch him as he is so breathtakingly beautiful. His lithe lean body movements are so fluid, so graceful. And I love to see those women clutch the bed sheets, and moan, and scream. I love to see them amazed at the power of the first orgasm, surprised at the intensity of the second, and a little scared by the third and possibility of more. I love to see them beg for time out, and then sit up and look at him a little dazed. I especially love to see when he decides he's going to fuck them. He'll roll the condom on, struggling if it's not a Magnum, and then enter them in one steady and firm downstroke until his balls slap their ass. Then he'll roll into them, undulating like a belly dancer, and I know what that feels like, how that cock rubs up against every conceivable spot in your pussy, and how the sensation is overwhelming. When he begins to power thrust the moaning begins and he'll crook his hand at me sometimes to come over and kiss him, or lick their clit, or rub them or just come closer so that he can have his hand on His sub.

I'm allowed to pick and choose who I'll play with, so long as I'm available to him at any moment. He likes to stop for a break and watch me. He says he feels the same about me as I do about him, and he finds me beautiful when I am doing what it is that I do. He loves watching me suck cock and will encourage me on, asking the recipient if he likes what he is feeling. He loves to watch me fuck, but he especially looks forward to watching me cum. He will stop whatever he is doing when he hears me cumming, will stop and look for me and he will get so hard and aroused to see me squirt for another man, or hear me scream in orgasm. He also knows when I'm faking with someone, and will come to rescue me, immediately. My punishment for faking is to have him command me to cum, and he will be relentless with me until I cum for real, several times.

Last night I got to enjoy so much bisexual play. It was my joy to have my girlfriend sit over my mouth and let me lick her while Malcolm first ate me, then fucked me, bareback, for all to see him claiming me as his own. That moment in time was burned into my memory, and will serve to get me off several times this week. We didn't get to do any of our hardcore play afterwards. Malcolm had a long drive back, and I talked to him for a good portion of it to help him stay awake. I actually cut our phone conversation short because I was getting choked up. I hate being apart from him. Call me a baby, but his removing my sub gear, and releasing me makes me cry. I didn't want him to go although I understood why. The depth of his love for me, however, humbled me to the point of tears, and I didn't want him to hear me sniffling and start feeling bad. He captured my heart even tighter this weekend, and he knows.

I was very lucky to have a couple stay with me thru the night, both to cuddle with and to fuck. I was well satisfied, and satisfied them well. LOL, but Malcolm and I are unfinished, and I am looking forward to being in his bed again so he can mark me.

Whatta Man

Another amazing week has me smiling those little private smiles I can't help but get when he does those special things he does to please me. Today was one of those days you remember for a long time, beautiful weather, walking hand in hand with him, and watching his face break into a smile when he sees me. I love being with him more and more, even after all this time, our time spent together is still incredible. It's amazing that two years can fly by, and it still feels brand new, that wow factor hasn't gone away one iota. He knows he has my heart, but he also knows he has my mind and that matters to him.

Jachin stopped talking to me after the post last week concerning his new round of psycho bitches. He's angry that I put his stuff out there like that because it causes his carefully constructed house of cards to begin to implode. I talked to Malcolm about it because it does make me sad that after all the years of love and friendship, Jachin can essentially toss me aside carelessly over some random booty call. Malcolm thinks it's much more than that. Malcolm thinks Jachin is angry that I decided to not be available to him sexually anymore. The decision, along with the decision to put a concerted effort into finding a couple to take over Affinity was what saved my relationship with Malcolm. It's what is responsible for the amazing changes I see in him every day, and the gifts of happiness I'm enjoying every day now.

So, some have told me that I take the sub thing way too far. That in giving up my sexual relationship with Jachin, and giving up my ownership of Affinity, I'm letting another man dictate how I live my life. Certainly Jachin has had very bitter words to say to me about it, and I'm sorry he's hurt by my actions and decisions. But I love whom I love. The nature of my relationship with Malcolm, although in some cerebral way D/s, is essentially a working partnership. Is Malcolm my Master? Absolutely. But his responsibility in the caretaking of my heart and soul are immense burdens, and I find myself caring for and keeping his as well. His requests are all supported with very logical arguments and debate. He insists on my input and opinion, and values my feelings. He wants me to understand him as he strives to understand me. I think what most people don't understand about working D/s relationships is that a good Master ALWAYS takes the needs and requests of his sub to heart, and relies on her needs to guide him in his job of caretaking. It's not about making the sub jump through hoops just for shits and giggles. It's about reaching incredible depths of intimacy together by accepting a role in the relationship. In the end, it just works for us because I trust him implicitly, as he trusts me.

What is probably most amazing to me is that as our intimacy develops, as our bond strengthens, our sex life gets better. The reason this is amazing is because who the fuck thought sex as incredible as we already have could get BETTER???? But holy fuck, today took the cake in terms of quality, and it was a quickie. LOLOL

We spent the morning together taking care of his errands, and came to his home together afterward to relax before he had to head into work. He decided he wanted sex, and I talked him into letting me suck his cock because I hadn't in a bit. He's been going to town going down on me for the past couple of weeks, but hasn't been into letting me suck him off. Today I went crazy on it, and I loved every minute he let me go on. He wanted to fuck my ass so bad though, and he made it happen. He talks to me during sex, telling me how much I please him, telling me how much he loves every hole in my body, telling me he loves me and that I belong to HIM. He'd work himself up to a frenzy, fucking me extra hard to punctuate that the depth of his penetration symbolizes his ownership, that he wants to mark every inch of me inside and out. He wanted to cum so bad, and he asked my permission to cum, telling me he'd wait if I wanted him to. But no, there is something so incredibly thrilling about knowing he can't hold it back. Feeling him bite into that spot on my shoulder blade that fits his teeth now, feeling him lose his finely honed control and shatter inside of me, leaving his mark behind so that every movement of my body reminds me that I belong to him.

Did he roll over and go to sleep then? Oh hell no, he's not a selfish lover and he knew I needed to cum more. Malcolm has worked hard over the past two years to teach me how to be multiorgasmic, to be a squirter, and to cum on his command. He knows my needs honestly better than I do. He knows my rhythms and cycles, and can read and play my body like a custom instrument. He went back down on me, and shoved his fingers inside, looking for that spot. Today he destroyed me with it. It burns, it makes me crazy, it makes me desperate to cum over and over, it makes me squirt, it makes me shake. I screamed, I cried, I begged, and hyperventilated.....and I came again and again and again.

My only regret was that Malcolm left the door open which means Jachin heard the whole damn thing. I'm thinkin he did that on purpose.

Malcolm and I discussed our life together today as well. He made me laugh when he admitted he'd break man cave edicts for me. LOL, I'd never make him do it to prove his love, he's already proved it by conceding that he would if I really needed it. So many concessions from him lately. How can I not give him everything I am in return? No psycho bitch from hell can take away what we have. Let them try.

Jealousy Revisited

Truth be told, things couldn't really be better with Malcolm and I. He's attentive, he's available, he's being called pussy whipped by his roommate. LOLOL. We have been having a great few weeks together, and I'm hopeful that they'll just keep getting better and better.

So why jealousy? Well, yes, he's still a jealous ass but no more than normal. No, the jealousy I'm being afflicted with isn't coming from Malcolm. It's not even coming from Jachin. It's coming from a new and improved kind of Medusa.

What is it with women anyway? Never satisfied, it would seem. New and Improved Medusa, or Medusa Squared has already done a number of fucked up things in her attempt to purge herself of me. She said awful things about Malcolm, even though he was nothing but nice to her. And when I tried to have a civil conversation with her, she launched into a tirade of what a man whore Malcolm is and I should "WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND IT GIRLFRIEND". I remember wondering where that had come from after I'd simply tried to be nice to her, and I also remember thinking "well damn, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black". Her assumption wasn't even based in reality, this woman has no idea that we're swingers, has no idea I run 2 clubs for swingers. Her idea of Malcolm being a man whore was based on his baby mommas. And it was so tempting to blast her out of the water and destroy her fragile pea brain with the truth. But no, Malcolm put a noose and a gag on me and said to let it go.
Damn.

All for being Jachin's friend. Well, you know.

Jachin and I ARE just friends right now. I decided, after I took my break from both guys, that I needed to focus my attention on Malcolm where it belonged. As both the love of my life and my master, he deserves my full and complete attention. He should NEVER feel like he doesn't have both my mind and heart at all times. My lapse in paying attention was inexcusable, though he's acknowledged that he takes some of the blame for boycotting Affinity and leaving me on my own. It's unfathomable to me that some women are incapable of understanding that not all breakups have to be horrendous, that you can stay friends with your ex. Not that she even knows that Jachin is my damn ex.

She had befriended me on Facebook, and I allowed it since I needed neighbors for my farm. LOL, yes I'm one of the many Farmville addicts. But while in conversation with Jachin it came to my attention that she was using her connection to me to spy on me and see what I was up to...keeping tabs on me....JUST LIKE MEDUSA NUMBER ONE DID. Fuck that shit, I terminated the connection and refused her subsequent requests. I'd have simply gone on refusing her and laughing, until I noticed that of a sudden, my DAUGHTER'S page showed her as a friend. The bitch had joined my 10 year old's page to use her as a tool to get to me.

I was livid. How despicable, deplorable, low life, ghetto tramp kinda shit. I called Jachin and told him to handle it. Here's the deal, this bitch has turned this into a fucking battle (again!). And for WHAT? Because I happen to be a friend to a man she wants to possess. Damn fool, as if he COULD be ANYONE's possession. And I'm not the one she needs to battle because I don't currently have an intimate relationship with him. Not only that but I can't really help but see him often as he LIVES WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!! And really, there are rules to war, and kids are off limits. Period.

Jachin doesn't want to handle it. I've given him an ultimatum, and it is that either he handles it or I will. I guarantee it will be way more ugly if I do it. WAY MORE FUCKING UGLY. I won't tolerate a bitch trying to tamper with my relationship with Malcolm, who by the way, also can't stomach her anymore. And I definitely won't tolerate ANYONE fucking with my kid. EVER.

It has to be something that Jachin does, I think, to produce so many Medusas. Because there are more, waiting their turn to fuck with me. Thankfully most are just too timid to amount to anything. But this one burns with the fire of righteous Bible Belt indignation, and is sure she's completely in the right. What she can't understand is that I'm in a happy fulfilling relationship (the fact of which seemed to piss her off even more) and I have a beautiful daughter that I love beyond measure. My life is really good right now, and I look forward to every tomorrow. Jachin is a great friend, even with all his drama. We've settled comfortably into friendship without sex, which is actually really fantastic and relaxed. My daughter loves him as the only man that has acted like a father towards her, and cherishes all the moments he makes incredibly special for her. How can anyone feel threatened by the relationship a grown man has with a little girl?

So Jachin has a couple more days to deal with this before I intervene. He says he'd rather take a burning needle to his eye. He better do it because if I have to intervene he'll be wishing he could chop his nuts off with a plastic knife. Wish me luck!

In Love With a Jealous Man

I'm not a terribly jealous person. I enjoy sharing, things, people, you name it. I'm the last of five children, but younger than the rest by an enormous gap, so I never had to fight for everything, or have all my stuff taken away. My family has always been incredibly giving and generous to me, and I, in turn, enjoy passing that along.

Though I don't consider myself jealous, I am intensely loyal to my friends, family, and lovers. Some might confuse my desire to protect and defend as jealous, but those that really know me understand that I love them beyond the borders of jealousy. So how is it that all the men I know and love suffer from terrible jealousy? And is it a bad thing?

Malcolm has finally admitted that he is jealous of another man touching me. Well, let me rephrase that. Malcolm is INTENSELY jealous of another man touching me if he isn't there to see it. LOL. Though we managed to blunder through the first 2 years of our relationship openly, and seeing other people with little to no issues, something has subtly changed for him in regards to my sexual activities. It started to manifest itself with the whole Jachin thing, and my blogging and poking his bear with it didn't help matters any either. But his jealousy blossomed into something more far reaching, with him admitting that he didn't like the thought of me fucking other men if he wasn't there. It's made me rethink a lot of things, my dealings with other guys in general, and certainly my relationship with Jachin. But it's also made me rethink my relationship with Malcolm, and it's made me examine what's changed in the last couple of months.

And no doubt, things HAVE changed. He gives me much more of his time, whether it be at home relaxing, or making love, or watching a movie, we just spend more quality time together. He spends more time calling me to chat, upwards of 6 times a day usually, at various intervals. I feel very very connected to him now. He always seems to know when I'm thinking about him, and he's incredibly in tune to my feelings, and how I express them through tone of voice, language, even silence. He's ended his boycott of Affinity, and is making arrangements for us to do couple things together. Date nights. LOL. It's.......wonderful.

And the jealous thing? Well, it isn't the jealous rage that some men show. And it's just enough to be endearing to me. His new nickname has been "jealous ass", said only with the most love. And I do find myself loving him more intensely than ever. He called me today, this morning in fact, to tell me that he'd miss me this weekend, and was so sorry that he couldn't make it, since he has his daughter and son for the weekend. I'm actually so thrilled for him being able to HAVE his daughter with him on his weekend foray that I'd never be surly or bitter about him not making this party. Yeah, it would be nice to have him by my side every time, but parenting always comes first. I'm incredibly lucky to have a fantastic friend who will sit for me when I need her to, and I enjoy my daughter's company every day. I can't imagine how it would hurt to only see her 2 1/2 days a week. I'd be devastated. I told him all this and he paused a moment to gather himself and thank me for putting up with him. "I know I'm not an easy man, I come with tons of baggage, and I just want to thank you for always just dealing with me". Silly man, don't you know it's because, baggage and all, I just love you.

He's worried about me for this weekend. He wishes he were by my side to keep me safe and sound, to be my protector and make sure that nothing hurtful even approaches me. I assured him that I love his protection, I love his always wanting to push me behind him a little bit and take the brunt of the matter away from me. Even his jealously has validation in his wanting to just keep me safe. How can I not find it endearing that he loves me so much? I see him trying so hard to make me happy, to do little things that will make me smile. I see him struggling to let me keep my wide open freedom. I see him listening to me when I honestly express myself to him about how I feel and what I want. Better still, I'm willing to meet him half way. He doesn't need to be the only one bending here, now SHOULD he be. One thing we've both learned is that when we communicate with each other, neither of us is unreasonable, and we get matters taken care of and back on track.

So yes, I love a jealous man. I even love his jealousy because in it's present controlled form, it is his stamp of love upon me, the irrefutable evidence that he has fallen as much as I have.

Balance of Power

Relationships are an odd mix of power and consent. It's a dance that both individuals attempt to master while they learn how to relate to each other and how to communicate. I'd made a decision pretty early on in my relationship with Malcolm to allot him a large portion of the power in our relationship, content to let him do as he pleased, and also content to be obedient and respectful of his decisions. It worked for me then, and he was fair, always. He took my wants and needs into consideration, and was extremely permissive of my having liaisons with other men so long as I always came home to him.

Sometimes though, it was as though he didn't hear me.

After the trials we've been through in the past couple of weeks, some of the negotiations included me taking some of that power back, simply for my own sanity. Are we still D/s? Yes, we are. But I'm less likely to be kneeling in his palm, and more likely to be standing, a bit defiantly, and plotting ways to top him from the bottom.

Malcolm always liked the idea of my being a switch. Although in our role playing he makes the worst sub ever, LOL, I think he'd like to watch me Domme someone else, be it a woman or a man, I'm not sure. He's also become much more forceful in our sex life, physically aggressive in new and exciting ways. However, that being said, he's also assisting me in taking that power back sexually, and letting me top him. I like knowing that we are an equal match sexually, that I can command his body equally as successfully as he can play mine. He's trained me well over the past two years, so well that I can now say that I can squirt consistently with most men, even Jachin. Malcolm's patience and ingenuity as a teacher with my body was unprecedented. He did whatever he had to do to achieve the results. LOL, and I do mean anything. Today I showed him that I have been an adept student, and can master his body.

I had to make him wait this week, having many appointments and interviews. But I'd teased him, letting him know the only thing I could think of doing was kneeling between his legs and forcing his cock down my throat until I choked. He's so very turned on by that imagery that he was beside himself most of yesterday waiting for it. And I did just that today when I saw him. I sat him on the edge of the bed, got on my knees in front of him, and went down, bit by bit, and inch by inch until the entire thing was in my mouth and forcing past my uvula into my throat, where breathing was impossible, and every time I swallowed would contract all the muscles around the head of his cock. He let me play with him that way for a long time today, letting me stroke ribbons of thick spit around his shaft and onto his balls, letting me lick up and down his cock, and suck his balls, lick around and behind them. He let me choke and gag on him as much as my heart desired, often fisting my hair to force me down harder because he just loves how it feels so damn much.

He had me stop eventually, and urged me to jump on him and ride him hard. Malcolm is the only man I've ever been able to ride successfully for any length of time. I'm so wet that most guys just continually slip out. Not Malcolm, his cock is lodged up in me deep, and he's a master of moving when I do so that it's about the ride, and not about putting it back in the hole every 2 seconds. I feel so free when I ride him, and it's all about what I want. I can sit him hard, and grind him way up inside of me. I can lean forward and tease his head, or ride him hard and fast. I can raise up one knee and make circles on him which absolutely drives him mad. And then I can lean back and make his cock rub my g-spot.

He begged me not to make him cum, and I obliged him, but I also knew that if he was already begging, it was getting really close. So I got off and told him to eat me, and he went down, sucking my very wet clit into his mouth. His breath is so hot on me when he goes down, and he goes down for such a long time. He'd eat me for hours if we had the time. He's done it before, alternating between a few strokes of his cock inside of me, and then back down to fuck me with his tongue and suck and bite and lick my clit until I scream. He loves making me wild, seeing how desperate I can get. Today he wouldn't give me what I wanted to get off. He knows I like his fingers up inside me deep while he sucks me, and he teased and teased, circling the entrance but never going in. He fingered my ass instead, knowing that makes me incredibly crazy. Something about the combination of being eaten and having him tease my ass with his fingers will make me ride his face, and fuck his hand, and beg, and cry, and plead with him to do whatever he wants to just make me cum. And he'll make me ride that line for awhile, until his own cock feels full to bursting, and then he'll slam his cock home inside of me until the dam breaks and I squirt, nonstop, until we both cum. Today the squirting undid him. He came almost right away, feeling my pussy clamp down on him and he tried desperately to pull out, to make it stop, but he couldn't, and he came and came, my muscles alternately rippling over him and relaxing as my own aftershocks pulled the cum out of him and deep inside of me.

It made me happy to know he'd lost control.

He apologized over and over for cumming too quickly, but I stopped him immediately, and let him know that he is not the one with all of the sexual power in this relationship. Some days, he'll play me. Others....I'll damn well play him. We're equal that way, and it's good. Damn good. And yes, by his standards it was a quickie. But for real, it was more than an hour....baby, you did good.

What is Love?

If I speak in human and angelic tongues
but do not have love,
I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains,
but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own,
and if I hand my body over so that I may boast
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
it is not inflated, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians
Chapter 13

Malcolm and I were discussing what we both thought Love was. We both agreed that love enhances your life, it doesn't bring you down, doesn't make the quality of your life worse. It builds you up, the person that loves you has your back, fills in the weak spots, shores up your defenses. They provide you with completion. You want to be with them simply because of the joy that manifests itself when you are around them. You want to do things for them, you want to make them happy in spite of yourself. We may have our problems, every couple does. But no doubt that we have love. Relationships were never meant to be easy, if they were, everyone would have a great one the first time. But this one, with him, is worth working at. I'm willing to put in the work. He seems to be as well. Time and effort will see.