I've been thinking about this blog for a few days now, not really sure how to verbalize what I'm feeling without sounding too mushy or redundant. I think by now everyone on the planet has a pretty good idea that I'm down and dirty in love with Malcolm. And maybe I spend a lot of time going on about my feelings so that I don't have to worry about the teeny tiny insecurity of whether or not he loves me back.
Women have the innate capacity to create whole scenarios in their minds that don't exist in real life. It's based on what they want and expect, especially from men, and really has little to do with what the man wants and expects. Women are trained from early on to expect a man to be her boyfriend, to expect the boyfriend to eventually become her husband, and to have children, a family, and eventually grow old and die with that person. I believe that is what is referred to as "the fairy tale". But what do guys want? Well, they don't usually want or expect that. Mostly they just want as much pussy as they can get in their quest to stick their cocks in as many on the planet as they can convince to let them. Guys like freedom, they like variety, they like the chase. Most guys anyway... I'll give credit to the few that really do want the whole wife/kids/family/death thing.
I was still fairly naive when I started dating Jachin. I still believed that I could listen to the words he said to me about wanting to be with me, wanting to create a fairy tale, and giving him a chance, and that somehow they would be truthful. After 6 years with him, I finally understood the game somewhat, but still not really. Until Malcolm. Malcolm was a guy who was willing to take the time to patiently explain the game to me as I was watching it. He was always matter of fact, cautioning me to keep my emotions out of, teaching me how to think more like a man, and leave the silliness of the emotional behind. As a woman myself, I've always been more analytical than emotional anyways, always grasped more onto the common sense than the fantasies, and always been able to pretty much deal with "it is what it is." Malcolm liked that about me a whole lot, and was willing to work with me so that I could understand what it was that was really happening, since I just didn't have the background or real life experience to get it on my own. It was this patience of Malcolm's that stopped me from turning my rage and disappointment in Jachin to all out hatred.
Malcolm and I have had many talks. But lately, since we've worked things out and really decided to be a couple, he's taking it more seriously than I'd ever hoped or dreamed. I always worry that the other shoe will drop, and the rug will get pulled out from under me, like it was with Jachin. I worry about strange women interfering in me and my daughter's life for no other reason than they think that they have a right to steal away the man that has chosen to be with me, just like how it was with Jachin then and now. But with Malcolm it's never been like that. There was the one issue two years ago with the baby momma, but he shut it down immediately. Other than that, I am untouchable, a sacred thing in his life that he will not let another woman fuck with. Period.
So we talked the other day, and almost started to argue about him and the baby mommas, simply because at the root, he's not essentially happy with how he has to act in order to keep the peace. And his unhappiness affects me, and makes me want to make things better, fix things for him so that he is happy. But in matters of children and their mother's, there isn't a fix. I become idealistic and a bit unreasonable, expecting these women to live up to my standards and expectations of behavior in a model, civil world. But that isn't real life, it's a fairy tale too. So our discussion got a little heated, and we both decided it was a good time to break the conversation. But I realized, in the end, that his life "is what it is". There isn't a quick easy fix to it, and things really can't change at this point, not for the better anyways. They could be much much worse. Ultimately my decision is to stay and deal, or leave. Do I love him enough to stay and put up with the baggage? Or is it too much?
The honest to God truth is that I've never been happier with a man. I feel loved beyond reason, I feel protected and cherished. I feel valued and appreciated. I feel coveted, I feel WANTED. I feel everything a man is supposed to make a woman feel, and I'm so much more than content. The baggage, yeah it bites. But not enough to make me leave this miracle of a man to settle for something so much less. I texted him an apology for starting the argument, and told him that I loved him. He called me back to let me know he wasn't mad, and that he understood my opinion and how in a perfect world I'd be right. That was how we came to concensus, and I decided to be honest with him about a whole lot of everything, including Jachin.
I told him I trusted him unconditionally, that I felt like I could breathe when I was with him, and know that everything would be ok. It's hard to trust someone like that, to not worry that they aren't gonna fuck it all up while you take a moment out of the game. But I do with him. I trust him enough to kneel in his palm and allow him to direct the way. I trust him with my well being and safety, with my sexual life, and with my heart. I've always blogged it before, but never told him outright. And we had an honest conversation about me and sex, and other men. I told him I'd decided awhile back, last summer to be exact, that seeing other men was pointless. Though I'd engaged a couple guys for play back then on occasion, it didn't satisfy me sexually, only left me horny for Malcolm....and I hated that these guys would, on occasion, show up uninvited. That was creepy. So I put an end to it all, using the jealous boyfriend excuse, and happily waited for the times when I could just be with Malcolm. The only other men that I've seen in a one on one situation was Ian, with Malcolm's blessing, and Jachin. And that just didn't work out either.
I'd told Malcolm in the past that going forward, I only wanted to know if he saw other people. I just wanted both of us to be upfront and honest about it as a fairness thing. I knew that he definitely wanted to know about what I was doing, and for awhile didn't really care either way. But the game changed after we came back together after my uncle's death. Malcolm suddenly did care, and quite a lot.
He didn't want me to see other guys at all anymore, he wanted me to be chaste to him unless we could play together. I was fine with that as long as he was giving me the same thing, which I had no real reason to doubt, except for the fact that Jachin would insinuate these "things" about Malcolm without actually saying anything. I don't think Jachin was lying, but I do know that any man that actively tries to sabotage another man's relationship has motives that are questionable. And there was no doubt that Jachin was trying to plant enough doubt about Malcolm in my mind that I'd leave him. Do I think that maybe Malcolm was seeing other women? Yep, I do. And it made me a little pissed that he couldn't be honest with me the way he expected me to be honest with him. Somehow though, I started thinking about the nature of our relationship, about our pact that neither of us believed in monogamy as a lifestyle choice. Thinking about that made me realize that at the end of every encounter, he always came back to me, no matter what. Just like at parties, when he enjoys himself with other women, I always know without a shadow of a doubt that he's looking forward to being with me as my partner and mate.
Patience and understanding have never been virtues that I've had in abundance. But I have had them with Malcolm, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because the waiting always pays off. Or maybe it's because he calms and soothes me enough to practice both patience and understanding. Regardless of the reasons, I found out over the past few days that having had both has put me in the place I've always dreamed of: a genuine equal partnership with a man who shows me his love by his actions as much as by his words. He told me today that he intends, going forward, to be upfront with me about his goings on. That he wants to do things WITH me, not behind my back. That he loves me, and enjoys our life together. Especially enjoys our sex life, and doesn't feel the need to seek out anything else. That he doesn't want the hassle of women acting neurotic the same way I don't want the hassle of other men acting like idiots. I hadn't thought it possible to feel any more in love with someone. But this feeling, like being a vessel that is poured full, to the brim. That's how I feel, I feel so full of his love, and I feel so amazingly happy that he's declared it all real for me, as real to him as it is to me. It's also amazing that he knows me so intimately, so very very WELL. He knows my fears, and he knows how to soothe them, one by one, until I'm laying curled by his side breathing his rhythm and basking in his scent, completely and totally his. It's a battle he's waged well, and with incredible skill, to allay my many fears. I count myself fortunate to have a man that loves me so very much, so openly, and so thoroughly.
Thank you God.
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