I'm not a terribly jealous person. I enjoy sharing, things, people, you name it. I'm the last of five children, but younger than the rest by an enormous gap, so I never had to fight for everything, or have all my stuff taken away. My family has always been incredibly giving and generous to me, and I, in turn, enjoy passing that along.
Though I don't consider myself jealous, I am intensely loyal to my friends, family, and lovers. Some might confuse my desire to protect and defend as jealous, but those that really know me understand that I love them beyond the borders of jealousy. So how is it that all the men I know and love suffer from terrible jealousy? And is it a bad thing?
Malcolm has finally admitted that he is jealous of another man touching me. Well, let me rephrase that. Malcolm is INTENSELY jealous of another man touching me if he isn't there to see it. LOL. Though we managed to blunder through the first 2 years of our relationship openly, and seeing other people with little to no issues, something has subtly changed for him in regards to my sexual activities. It started to manifest itself with the whole Jachin thing, and my blogging and poking his bear with it didn't help matters any either. But his jealousy blossomed into something more far reaching, with him admitting that he didn't like the thought of me fucking other men if he wasn't there. It's made me rethink a lot of things, my dealings with other guys in general, and certainly my relationship with Jachin. But it's also made me rethink my relationship with Malcolm, and it's made me examine what's changed in the last couple of months.
And no doubt, things HAVE changed. He gives me much more of his time, whether it be at home relaxing, or making love, or watching a movie, we just spend more quality time together. He spends more time calling me to chat, upwards of 6 times a day usually, at various intervals. I feel very very connected to him now. He always seems to know when I'm thinking about him, and he's incredibly in tune to my feelings, and how I express them through tone of voice, language, even silence. He's ended his boycott of Affinity, and is making arrangements for us to do couple things together. Date nights. LOL. It's.......wonderful.
And the jealous thing? Well, it isn't the jealous rage that some men show. And it's just enough to be endearing to me. His new nickname has been "jealous ass", said only with the most love. And I do find myself loving him more intensely than ever. He called me today, this morning in fact, to tell me that he'd miss me this weekend, and was so sorry that he couldn't make it, since he has his daughter and son for the weekend. I'm actually so thrilled for him being able to HAVE his daughter with him on his weekend foray that I'd never be surly or bitter about him not making this party. Yeah, it would be nice to have him by my side every time, but parenting always comes first. I'm incredibly lucky to have a fantastic friend who will sit for me when I need her to, and I enjoy my daughter's company every day. I can't imagine how it would hurt to only see her 2 1/2 days a week. I'd be devastated. I told him all this and he paused a moment to gather himself and thank me for putting up with him. "I know I'm not an easy man, I come with tons of baggage, and I just want to thank you for always just dealing with me". Silly man, don't you know it's because, baggage and all, I just love you.
He's worried about me for this weekend. He wishes he were by my side to keep me safe and sound, to be my protector and make sure that nothing hurtful even approaches me. I assured him that I love his protection, I love his always wanting to push me behind him a little bit and take the brunt of the matter away from me. Even his jealously has validation in his wanting to just keep me safe. How can I not find it endearing that he loves me so much? I see him trying so hard to make me happy, to do little things that will make me smile. I see him struggling to let me keep my wide open freedom. I see him listening to me when I honestly express myself to him about how I feel and what I want. Better still, I'm willing to meet him half way. He doesn't need to be the only one bending here, now SHOULD he be. One thing we've both learned is that when we communicate with each other, neither of us is unreasonable, and we get matters taken care of and back on track.
So yes, I love a jealous man. I even love his jealousy because in it's present controlled form, it is his stamp of love upon me, the irrefutable evidence that he has fallen as much as I have.
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