Whatta Man

Another amazing week has me smiling those little private smiles I can't help but get when he does those special things he does to please me. Today was one of those days you remember for a long time, beautiful weather, walking hand in hand with him, and watching his face break into a smile when he sees me. I love being with him more and more, even after all this time, our time spent together is still incredible. It's amazing that two years can fly by, and it still feels brand new, that wow factor hasn't gone away one iota. He knows he has my heart, but he also knows he has my mind and that matters to him.

Jachin stopped talking to me after the post last week concerning his new round of psycho bitches. He's angry that I put his stuff out there like that because it causes his carefully constructed house of cards to begin to implode. I talked to Malcolm about it because it does make me sad that after all the years of love and friendship, Jachin can essentially toss me aside carelessly over some random booty call. Malcolm thinks it's much more than that. Malcolm thinks Jachin is angry that I decided to not be available to him sexually anymore. The decision, along with the decision to put a concerted effort into finding a couple to take over Affinity was what saved my relationship with Malcolm. It's what is responsible for the amazing changes I see in him every day, and the gifts of happiness I'm enjoying every day now.

So, some have told me that I take the sub thing way too far. That in giving up my sexual relationship with Jachin, and giving up my ownership of Affinity, I'm letting another man dictate how I live my life. Certainly Jachin has had very bitter words to say to me about it, and I'm sorry he's hurt by my actions and decisions. But I love whom I love. The nature of my relationship with Malcolm, although in some cerebral way D/s, is essentially a working partnership. Is Malcolm my Master? Absolutely. But his responsibility in the caretaking of my heart and soul are immense burdens, and I find myself caring for and keeping his as well. His requests are all supported with very logical arguments and debate. He insists on my input and opinion, and values my feelings. He wants me to understand him as he strives to understand me. I think what most people don't understand about working D/s relationships is that a good Master ALWAYS takes the needs and requests of his sub to heart, and relies on her needs to guide him in his job of caretaking. It's not about making the sub jump through hoops just for shits and giggles. It's about reaching incredible depths of intimacy together by accepting a role in the relationship. In the end, it just works for us because I trust him implicitly, as he trusts me.

What is probably most amazing to me is that as our intimacy develops, as our bond strengthens, our sex life gets better. The reason this is amazing is because who the fuck thought sex as incredible as we already have could get BETTER???? But holy fuck, today took the cake in terms of quality, and it was a quickie. LOLOL

We spent the morning together taking care of his errands, and came to his home together afterward to relax before he had to head into work. He decided he wanted sex, and I talked him into letting me suck his cock because I hadn't in a bit. He's been going to town going down on me for the past couple of weeks, but hasn't been into letting me suck him off. Today I went crazy on it, and I loved every minute he let me go on. He wanted to fuck my ass so bad though, and he made it happen. He talks to me during sex, telling me how much I please him, telling me how much he loves every hole in my body, telling me he loves me and that I belong to HIM. He'd work himself up to a frenzy, fucking me extra hard to punctuate that the depth of his penetration symbolizes his ownership, that he wants to mark every inch of me inside and out. He wanted to cum so bad, and he asked my permission to cum, telling me he'd wait if I wanted him to. But no, there is something so incredibly thrilling about knowing he can't hold it back. Feeling him bite into that spot on my shoulder blade that fits his teeth now, feeling him lose his finely honed control and shatter inside of me, leaving his mark behind so that every movement of my body reminds me that I belong to him.

Did he roll over and go to sleep then? Oh hell no, he's not a selfish lover and he knew I needed to cum more. Malcolm has worked hard over the past two years to teach me how to be multiorgasmic, to be a squirter, and to cum on his command. He knows my needs honestly better than I do. He knows my rhythms and cycles, and can read and play my body like a custom instrument. He went back down on me, and shoved his fingers inside, looking for that spot. Today he destroyed me with it. It burns, it makes me crazy, it makes me desperate to cum over and over, it makes me squirt, it makes me shake. I screamed, I cried, I begged, and hyperventilated.....and I came again and again and again.

My only regret was that Malcolm left the door open which means Jachin heard the whole damn thing. I'm thinkin he did that on purpose.

Malcolm and I discussed our life together today as well. He made me laugh when he admitted he'd break man cave edicts for me. LOL, I'd never make him do it to prove his love, he's already proved it by conceding that he would if I really needed it. So many concessions from him lately. How can I not give him everything I am in return? No psycho bitch from hell can take away what we have. Let them try.

Jealousy Revisited

Truth be told, things couldn't really be better with Malcolm and I. He's attentive, he's available, he's being called pussy whipped by his roommate. LOLOL. We have been having a great few weeks together, and I'm hopeful that they'll just keep getting better and better.

So why jealousy? Well, yes, he's still a jealous ass but no more than normal. No, the jealousy I'm being afflicted with isn't coming from Malcolm. It's not even coming from Jachin. It's coming from a new and improved kind of Medusa.

What is it with women anyway? Never satisfied, it would seem. New and Improved Medusa, or Medusa Squared has already done a number of fucked up things in her attempt to purge herself of me. She said awful things about Malcolm, even though he was nothing but nice to her. And when I tried to have a civil conversation with her, she launched into a tirade of what a man whore Malcolm is and I should "WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND IT GIRLFRIEND". I remember wondering where that had come from after I'd simply tried to be nice to her, and I also remember thinking "well damn, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black". Her assumption wasn't even based in reality, this woman has no idea that we're swingers, has no idea I run 2 clubs for swingers. Her idea of Malcolm being a man whore was based on his baby mommas. And it was so tempting to blast her out of the water and destroy her fragile pea brain with the truth. But no, Malcolm put a noose and a gag on me and said to let it go.
Damn.

All for being Jachin's friend. Well, you know.

Jachin and I ARE just friends right now. I decided, after I took my break from both guys, that I needed to focus my attention on Malcolm where it belonged. As both the love of my life and my master, he deserves my full and complete attention. He should NEVER feel like he doesn't have both my mind and heart at all times. My lapse in paying attention was inexcusable, though he's acknowledged that he takes some of the blame for boycotting Affinity and leaving me on my own. It's unfathomable to me that some women are incapable of understanding that not all breakups have to be horrendous, that you can stay friends with your ex. Not that she even knows that Jachin is my damn ex.

She had befriended me on Facebook, and I allowed it since I needed neighbors for my farm. LOL, yes I'm one of the many Farmville addicts. But while in conversation with Jachin it came to my attention that she was using her connection to me to spy on me and see what I was up to...keeping tabs on me....JUST LIKE MEDUSA NUMBER ONE DID. Fuck that shit, I terminated the connection and refused her subsequent requests. I'd have simply gone on refusing her and laughing, until I noticed that of a sudden, my DAUGHTER'S page showed her as a friend. The bitch had joined my 10 year old's page to use her as a tool to get to me.

I was livid. How despicable, deplorable, low life, ghetto tramp kinda shit. I called Jachin and told him to handle it. Here's the deal, this bitch has turned this into a fucking battle (again!). And for WHAT? Because I happen to be a friend to a man she wants to possess. Damn fool, as if he COULD be ANYONE's possession. And I'm not the one she needs to battle because I don't currently have an intimate relationship with him. Not only that but I can't really help but see him often as he LIVES WITH MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!! And really, there are rules to war, and kids are off limits. Period.

Jachin doesn't want to handle it. I've given him an ultimatum, and it is that either he handles it or I will. I guarantee it will be way more ugly if I do it. WAY MORE FUCKING UGLY. I won't tolerate a bitch trying to tamper with my relationship with Malcolm, who by the way, also can't stomach her anymore. And I definitely won't tolerate ANYONE fucking with my kid. EVER.

It has to be something that Jachin does, I think, to produce so many Medusas. Because there are more, waiting their turn to fuck with me. Thankfully most are just too timid to amount to anything. But this one burns with the fire of righteous Bible Belt indignation, and is sure she's completely in the right. What she can't understand is that I'm in a happy fulfilling relationship (the fact of which seemed to piss her off even more) and I have a beautiful daughter that I love beyond measure. My life is really good right now, and I look forward to every tomorrow. Jachin is a great friend, even with all his drama. We've settled comfortably into friendship without sex, which is actually really fantastic and relaxed. My daughter loves him as the only man that has acted like a father towards her, and cherishes all the moments he makes incredibly special for her. How can anyone feel threatened by the relationship a grown man has with a little girl?

So Jachin has a couple more days to deal with this before I intervene. He says he'd rather take a burning needle to his eye. He better do it because if I have to intervene he'll be wishing he could chop his nuts off with a plastic knife. Wish me luck!

In Love With a Jealous Man

I'm not a terribly jealous person. I enjoy sharing, things, people, you name it. I'm the last of five children, but younger than the rest by an enormous gap, so I never had to fight for everything, or have all my stuff taken away. My family has always been incredibly giving and generous to me, and I, in turn, enjoy passing that along.

Though I don't consider myself jealous, I am intensely loyal to my friends, family, and lovers. Some might confuse my desire to protect and defend as jealous, but those that really know me understand that I love them beyond the borders of jealousy. So how is it that all the men I know and love suffer from terrible jealousy? And is it a bad thing?

Malcolm has finally admitted that he is jealous of another man touching me. Well, let me rephrase that. Malcolm is INTENSELY jealous of another man touching me if he isn't there to see it. LOL. Though we managed to blunder through the first 2 years of our relationship openly, and seeing other people with little to no issues, something has subtly changed for him in regards to my sexual activities. It started to manifest itself with the whole Jachin thing, and my blogging and poking his bear with it didn't help matters any either. But his jealousy blossomed into something more far reaching, with him admitting that he didn't like the thought of me fucking other men if he wasn't there. It's made me rethink a lot of things, my dealings with other guys in general, and certainly my relationship with Jachin. But it's also made me rethink my relationship with Malcolm, and it's made me examine what's changed in the last couple of months.

And no doubt, things HAVE changed. He gives me much more of his time, whether it be at home relaxing, or making love, or watching a movie, we just spend more quality time together. He spends more time calling me to chat, upwards of 6 times a day usually, at various intervals. I feel very very connected to him now. He always seems to know when I'm thinking about him, and he's incredibly in tune to my feelings, and how I express them through tone of voice, language, even silence. He's ended his boycott of Affinity, and is making arrangements for us to do couple things together. Date nights. LOL. It's.......wonderful.

And the jealous thing? Well, it isn't the jealous rage that some men show. And it's just enough to be endearing to me. His new nickname has been "jealous ass", said only with the most love. And I do find myself loving him more intensely than ever. He called me today, this morning in fact, to tell me that he'd miss me this weekend, and was so sorry that he couldn't make it, since he has his daughter and son for the weekend. I'm actually so thrilled for him being able to HAVE his daughter with him on his weekend foray that I'd never be surly or bitter about him not making this party. Yeah, it would be nice to have him by my side every time, but parenting always comes first. I'm incredibly lucky to have a fantastic friend who will sit for me when I need her to, and I enjoy my daughter's company every day. I can't imagine how it would hurt to only see her 2 1/2 days a week. I'd be devastated. I told him all this and he paused a moment to gather himself and thank me for putting up with him. "I know I'm not an easy man, I come with tons of baggage, and I just want to thank you for always just dealing with me". Silly man, don't you know it's because, baggage and all, I just love you.

He's worried about me for this weekend. He wishes he were by my side to keep me safe and sound, to be my protector and make sure that nothing hurtful even approaches me. I assured him that I love his protection, I love his always wanting to push me behind him a little bit and take the brunt of the matter away from me. Even his jealously has validation in his wanting to just keep me safe. How can I not find it endearing that he loves me so much? I see him trying so hard to make me happy, to do little things that will make me smile. I see him struggling to let me keep my wide open freedom. I see him listening to me when I honestly express myself to him about how I feel and what I want. Better still, I'm willing to meet him half way. He doesn't need to be the only one bending here, now SHOULD he be. One thing we've both learned is that when we communicate with each other, neither of us is unreasonable, and we get matters taken care of and back on track.

So yes, I love a jealous man. I even love his jealousy because in it's present controlled form, it is his stamp of love upon me, the irrefutable evidence that he has fallen as much as I have.

Balance of Power

Relationships are an odd mix of power and consent. It's a dance that both individuals attempt to master while they learn how to relate to each other and how to communicate. I'd made a decision pretty early on in my relationship with Malcolm to allot him a large portion of the power in our relationship, content to let him do as he pleased, and also content to be obedient and respectful of his decisions. It worked for me then, and he was fair, always. He took my wants and needs into consideration, and was extremely permissive of my having liaisons with other men so long as I always came home to him.

Sometimes though, it was as though he didn't hear me.

After the trials we've been through in the past couple of weeks, some of the negotiations included me taking some of that power back, simply for my own sanity. Are we still D/s? Yes, we are. But I'm less likely to be kneeling in his palm, and more likely to be standing, a bit defiantly, and plotting ways to top him from the bottom.

Malcolm always liked the idea of my being a switch. Although in our role playing he makes the worst sub ever, LOL, I think he'd like to watch me Domme someone else, be it a woman or a man, I'm not sure. He's also become much more forceful in our sex life, physically aggressive in new and exciting ways. However, that being said, he's also assisting me in taking that power back sexually, and letting me top him. I like knowing that we are an equal match sexually, that I can command his body equally as successfully as he can play mine. He's trained me well over the past two years, so well that I can now say that I can squirt consistently with most men, even Jachin. Malcolm's patience and ingenuity as a teacher with my body was unprecedented. He did whatever he had to do to achieve the results. LOL, and I do mean anything. Today I showed him that I have been an adept student, and can master his body.

I had to make him wait this week, having many appointments and interviews. But I'd teased him, letting him know the only thing I could think of doing was kneeling between his legs and forcing his cock down my throat until I choked. He's so very turned on by that imagery that he was beside himself most of yesterday waiting for it. And I did just that today when I saw him. I sat him on the edge of the bed, got on my knees in front of him, and went down, bit by bit, and inch by inch until the entire thing was in my mouth and forcing past my uvula into my throat, where breathing was impossible, and every time I swallowed would contract all the muscles around the head of his cock. He let me play with him that way for a long time today, letting me stroke ribbons of thick spit around his shaft and onto his balls, letting me lick up and down his cock, and suck his balls, lick around and behind them. He let me choke and gag on him as much as my heart desired, often fisting my hair to force me down harder because he just loves how it feels so damn much.

He had me stop eventually, and urged me to jump on him and ride him hard. Malcolm is the only man I've ever been able to ride successfully for any length of time. I'm so wet that most guys just continually slip out. Not Malcolm, his cock is lodged up in me deep, and he's a master of moving when I do so that it's about the ride, and not about putting it back in the hole every 2 seconds. I feel so free when I ride him, and it's all about what I want. I can sit him hard, and grind him way up inside of me. I can lean forward and tease his head, or ride him hard and fast. I can raise up one knee and make circles on him which absolutely drives him mad. And then I can lean back and make his cock rub my g-spot.

He begged me not to make him cum, and I obliged him, but I also knew that if he was already begging, it was getting really close. So I got off and told him to eat me, and he went down, sucking my very wet clit into his mouth. His breath is so hot on me when he goes down, and he goes down for such a long time. He'd eat me for hours if we had the time. He's done it before, alternating between a few strokes of his cock inside of me, and then back down to fuck me with his tongue and suck and bite and lick my clit until I scream. He loves making me wild, seeing how desperate I can get. Today he wouldn't give me what I wanted to get off. He knows I like his fingers up inside me deep while he sucks me, and he teased and teased, circling the entrance but never going in. He fingered my ass instead, knowing that makes me incredibly crazy. Something about the combination of being eaten and having him tease my ass with his fingers will make me ride his face, and fuck his hand, and beg, and cry, and plead with him to do whatever he wants to just make me cum. And he'll make me ride that line for awhile, until his own cock feels full to bursting, and then he'll slam his cock home inside of me until the dam breaks and I squirt, nonstop, until we both cum. Today the squirting undid him. He came almost right away, feeling my pussy clamp down on him and he tried desperately to pull out, to make it stop, but he couldn't, and he came and came, my muscles alternately rippling over him and relaxing as my own aftershocks pulled the cum out of him and deep inside of me.

It made me happy to know he'd lost control.

He apologized over and over for cumming too quickly, but I stopped him immediately, and let him know that he is not the one with all of the sexual power in this relationship. Some days, he'll play me. Others....I'll damn well play him. We're equal that way, and it's good. Damn good. And yes, by his standards it was a quickie. But for real, it was more than an hour....baby, you did good.

What is Love?

If I speak in human and angelic tongues
but do not have love,
I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains,
but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own,
and if I hand my body over so that I may boast
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, is not pompous,
it is not inflated, it is not rude,
it does not seek its own interests,
it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians
Chapter 13

Malcolm and I were discussing what we both thought Love was. We both agreed that love enhances your life, it doesn't bring you down, doesn't make the quality of your life worse. It builds you up, the person that loves you has your back, fills in the weak spots, shores up your defenses. They provide you with completion. You want to be with them simply because of the joy that manifests itself when you are around them. You want to do things for them, you want to make them happy in spite of yourself. We may have our problems, every couple does. But no doubt that we have love. Relationships were never meant to be easy, if they were, everyone would have a great one the first time. But this one, with him, is worth working at. I'm willing to put in the work. He seems to be as well. Time and effort will see.

The Addict, Part 2

I knew that asking Jachin for space would leave him wide open for an attack from his Addiction. She'd read here that I was distancing myself from him, and dealing with my own issues, and use that as the time she needed to start whispering in his ear. I'm sure that everyone remembers Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. There is a scene where Aragorn meets up with Gandalf to go to the King of Rohan to have him rise up against the forces of Saruman and Mordor. Rohan's King, Theoden, had been under a spell by Saruman's evil seducer, Grima Wormtongue. Grima would whisper in the kings ear, relentless in his insinuations, relentless in his attempts to turn Theoden against everything that was important to him...his son, his country, his people. Theoden became feeble and elderly before his time. He was tired, he was confused, and he believed Wormtongue to be good and just, to be the only person that truly loved him. Wormtongue worked hard to isolate Theoden from his loved ones, his friends and family, and was insidious in making Theoden completely and solely dependent upon him for everything. Take a peek:



So it has been that the Addiction has yet again Infected Jachin in my absence. It's the same dog and pony show, she has used all the same tactics that you'd think he'd be immune to by now. Of course the Addiction isn't allowed into the house. Malcolm, with incredibly valid reasons, has decided that he's one step away from obtaining a restraining order on her. Jachin wanted the banishment lifted, but foolishly asked in the presence of his own brother, who quickly sided with Malcolm. Nobody wants a Wormtongue running roughshod through your own home, totally out of control and mostly unsupervised. Malcolm doesn't feel safe. He worries about his things, and he worries about what the Addiction will do and say next. It's not a matter of IF she will so much as WHEN she will. The patterns are incredibly clear, and unfortunately, she is more manipulative than Jachin. Malcolm says he is not ok with that. I personally just don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of watching Jachin stick his hand into the fire again and again and again and again. He keeps getting burned, but for some reason, the mechanism that allows him to learn from the experience is broken. I restate....He's living where he is now because his Addiction made him homeless. Here are some other great questions: Why is he currently unemployed? Why did I have to write a blog about being Blackmailed? Answers? The Addiction.

Yet again, I say I'm tired. If Jachin wants a Grima Wormtongue, he should just go get it. If he wants to be controlled and isolated from all his family and friends, he should just go do it. If he wants to ride the roller coaster of that relationship for the rest of his life because he needs that drama, he should just do it. I don't want to be in the middle anymore, I don't want to be stalked anymore, I don't want to be blackmailed anymore, or whispered about venomously via a 3rd party anymore. I will be sad if he chooses poorly again. But I'll understand he just can't help himself, and there is nothing more I can say or do. I just hope he's not really stupid enough to believe that the Addiction wants back into the apartment because of him.

Missing You

It's been a stressful week, and capped today by another death in my family. I got the call from my sister in law as she gets to be the bearer of the bad news this time. Though I feel sad at this uncle's passing, the sting isn't quite so fierce as it was for Norm. This uncle I only had the pleasure of seeing once a year, and that once a year had stopped awhile ago. My brothers and sisters and I are distinctly overwhelmed by the loss right now, and my prayer is to have just one day, one simple day where there are no tears. Today wasn't that day.

Malcolm and I have been talking every day, discussing his issues, discussing my issues, and between the both of us discovering some of Jachin's issues. So I decided this morning that I'd had enough of not seeing him, that it was time for us to negotiate in person. Being away from him has been hard....I love him, and I miss him terribly. But I desperately needed some time off, and he understood. He's been patient, and hasn't been pressuring me, has been letting me get my head back, letting me vent my grief and rage. Last night he stayed with me during my crying, listening to me talk about my loss, all the changes going on around me, and how sad it made me to see how disposable a life really is. I can't control when it comes over me, the overwhelming sense of loss, to see the house 3 doors up from mine that has stood filled with my relatives all my life, bustling with their comings and goings, and all of our celebrations throughout the years, all the comings together, done...and the house now dark, empty, and silent. And Malcolm began to understand the magnitude of this death to me.

I called him this morning to ask if I could spend the morning with him. I knew he'd wait for me to ask as opposed to asking me to come to him. I love that even though I asked him for space, he didn't abandon me out there, he loved me enough to not let me run away, and kept us communicating as best we could. So I asked him, and he didn't hesitate for a second, like he'd been waiting and hoping for it. We spent some moments in friendly banter, him asking me to stop his shopping compulsion, my telling him he needs to learn to just appreciate and love what he has instead of always trying to upgrade to the latest greatest thing. That's such a guy thing though, isn't it? I realized, when I saw him open the door for me that I'd missed his smile. I'd really missed his sloe shaped eyes, and I'd missed his kiss. And we talked more, and made love, and satisfied each other over and over and over again. I cried again when we both came for the last time, together. I'm not really sure why. I felt relief, for sure, for finally getting rid of my sexual frustration. I knew I could never leave him, because he "gets" me like nobody else, except maybe Jachin, does. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him to give me my fairy tale. He couldn't promise that, and really, most fairy tales are kinda scary. But he knows I need more time from him, and I see him trying to make it.

As far as the whole jealousy thing goes, god only knows what will happen with that. Jachin is rather mad at me for staying Malcolm's girlfriend. Malcolm just wants me to put myself in his position and take his feelings into consideration concerning all my activities with Jachin. They both make some valid arguments, really. And as always I love them both and I don't want this bickering to go on. Jachin's jealousy has been very active lately, with him lashing out at imagined indiscretions on my part. I'm not really sure what's going on with him, but I can't imagine when he became this possessive again. Malcolm said it's always been there, but I never bothered to really look before. Either way, I wish I could say or do something to put them both at ease. Unfortunately, there just is no easy answer this time. Maybe, like with my grief, time will be the greatest healer of all.

Happier Note

Our negotiations continue, civil and polite. In the meantime, enjoy some pics from our last BBW/BBC party. We had fun :)

Taking Time Out for ME

I made a decision, on Sunday, that I needed some me time. I needed some space from the guys, and I needed to re-evaluate what I was feeling, and all the harsh words that were spoken. It did occur to me late on Monday that I probably shouldn't be making any final decisions about friendships and relationships in the middle of my grief, and I'm glad I decided just to take some time off and focus on what my mind and heart are trying to tell me.

Neither guy took me seriously when I asked them for space, at least not at first. I suppose they knew when I was sobbing that I wasn't at my most rational. I knew I didn't want to leave either of them behind permanently, but I also knew that things just couldn't go on the way they had been, either. Love wasn't the issue. I love Malcolm, no question, and I know without a doubt that he loves me too. But sometimes love isn't enough, either. Love without the actions behind it is pointless. It's like having a planet with no oxygen. Yes it's a planet, but nothing can LIVE on it. Telling someone you love them, no matter how often, isn't the same as showing them that you love them. And showing them is work. It's being there for them when they are hurting. Attending events you don't really care for because you believe in them and want to support them. It's pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone simply because they mean more to you than your own self consciousness.

Jachin, miraculously, gave me my space, once I hammered the idea home. Malcolm had more trouble with it, which seems about right since he has more invested. It gave me hope that we could work things out knowing that he missed our connection as much as I did. So today I decided to break my silence and speak to Malcolm about what was troubling me, and asked him to tell me, finally, what he wanted. And the negotiations continue.....

Thankfully, I'm less inclined to fits of sobbing today than on Monday. I'm still having trouble getting through the day completely dry eyed, but it's getting better every day. That makes it easier to have sane rational thoughts about what to do. We do have more to discuss and hammer out, but things are looking more positive than they were, and that makes me feel happy again. I'm glad because I miss Malcolm. And I miss Jachin too. Hopefully we can find an amenable solution quickly, and get back to whatever semblance of normalcy we might have ever had.

Endings

I'm so tired. That bone weary, just want to lay my head on the pillow tired. I've cried a thousand tears for men this week. Men I loved, men I love still. It's quiet now, very still in my solitude. I said goodbye to my uncle, my father for so many years. I miss you so much already, and this sadness just won't seem to pass. Goodbye for now to Malcolm. You know I love you, but that path that we walked together...it's time for me to change road for a bit. My lover, my mate, my friend. And Jachin. I love you as well.

Change is always upsetting, frightening. I know all these wonderful men will be fine. Many blessings, all my love, and laughs to remember.