I made a decision, on Sunday, that I needed some me time. I needed some space from the guys, and I needed to re-evaluate what I was feeling, and all the harsh words that were spoken. It did occur to me late on Monday that I probably shouldn't be making any final decisions about friendships and relationships in the middle of my grief, and I'm glad I decided just to take some time off and focus on what my mind and heart are trying to tell me.
Neither guy took me seriously when I asked them for space, at least not at first. I suppose they knew when I was sobbing that I wasn't at my most rational. I knew I didn't want to leave either of them behind permanently, but I also knew that things just couldn't go on the way they had been, either. Love wasn't the issue. I love Malcolm, no question, and I know without a doubt that he loves me too. But sometimes love isn't enough, either. Love without the actions behind it is pointless. It's like having a planet with no oxygen. Yes it's a planet, but nothing can LIVE on it. Telling someone you love them, no matter how often, isn't the same as showing them that you love them. And showing them is work. It's being there for them when they are hurting. Attending events you don't really care for because you believe in them and want to support them. It's pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone simply because they mean more to you than your own self consciousness.
Jachin, miraculously, gave me my space, once I hammered the idea home. Malcolm had more trouble with it, which seems about right since he has more invested. It gave me hope that we could work things out knowing that he missed our connection as much as I did. So today I decided to break my silence and speak to Malcolm about what was troubling me, and asked him to tell me, finally, what he wanted. And the negotiations continue.....
Thankfully, I'm less inclined to fits of sobbing today than on Monday. I'm still having trouble getting through the day completely dry eyed, but it's getting better every day. That makes it easier to have sane rational thoughts about what to do. We do have more to discuss and hammer out, but things are looking more positive than they were, and that makes me feel happy again. I'm glad because I miss Malcolm. And I miss Jachin too. Hopefully we can find an amenable solution quickly, and get back to whatever semblance of normalcy we might have ever had.
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