It's been a stressful week, and capped today by another death in my family. I got the call from my sister in law as she gets to be the bearer of the bad news this time. Though I feel sad at this uncle's passing, the sting isn't quite so fierce as it was for Norm. This uncle I only had the pleasure of seeing once a year, and that once a year had stopped awhile ago. My brothers and sisters and I are distinctly overwhelmed by the loss right now, and my prayer is to have just one day, one simple day where there are no tears. Today wasn't that day.
Malcolm and I have been talking every day, discussing his issues, discussing my issues, and between the both of us discovering some of Jachin's issues. So I decided this morning that I'd had enough of not seeing him, that it was time for us to negotiate in person. Being away from him has been hard....I love him, and I miss him terribly. But I desperately needed some time off, and he understood. He's been patient, and hasn't been pressuring me, has been letting me get my head back, letting me vent my grief and rage. Last night he stayed with me during my crying, listening to me talk about my loss, all the changes going on around me, and how sad it made me to see how disposable a life really is. I can't control when it comes over me, the overwhelming sense of loss, to see the house 3 doors up from mine that has stood filled with my relatives all my life, bustling with their comings and goings, and all of our celebrations throughout the years, all the comings together, done...and the house now dark, empty, and silent. And Malcolm began to understand the magnitude of this death to me.
I called him this morning to ask if I could spend the morning with him. I knew he'd wait for me to ask as opposed to asking me to come to him. I love that even though I asked him for space, he didn't abandon me out there, he loved me enough to not let me run away, and kept us communicating as best we could. So I asked him, and he didn't hesitate for a second, like he'd been waiting and hoping for it. We spent some moments in friendly banter, him asking me to stop his shopping compulsion, my telling him he needs to learn to just appreciate and love what he has instead of always trying to upgrade to the latest greatest thing. That's such a guy thing though, isn't it? I realized, when I saw him open the door for me that I'd missed his smile. I'd really missed his sloe shaped eyes, and I'd missed his kiss. And we talked more, and made love, and satisfied each other over and over and over again. I cried again when we both came for the last time, together. I'm not really sure why. I felt relief, for sure, for finally getting rid of my sexual frustration. I knew I could never leave him, because he "gets" me like nobody else, except maybe Jachin, does. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him to give me my fairy tale. He couldn't promise that, and really, most fairy tales are kinda scary. But he knows I need more time from him, and I see him trying to make it.
As far as the whole jealousy thing goes, god only knows what will happen with that. Jachin is rather mad at me for staying Malcolm's girlfriend. Malcolm just wants me to put myself in his position and take his feelings into consideration concerning all my activities with Jachin. They both make some valid arguments, really. And as always I love them both and I don't want this bickering to go on. Jachin's jealousy has been very active lately, with him lashing out at imagined indiscretions on my part. I'm not really sure what's going on with him, but I can't imagine when he became this possessive again. Malcolm said it's always been there, but I never bothered to really look before. Either way, I wish I could say or do something to put them both at ease. Unfortunately, there just is no easy answer this time. Maybe, like with my grief, time will be the greatest healer of all.
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