Cheater?

There must be something in the air lately. Malcolm and I have a few friends of ours that are really going through some tough times in their relationships. Not cut and dry stuff though, it's all this weird, gray area, i dunno, WTF is THAT kind of shit. Some friends of ours in Mass have been fighting for some time now. They are a lifestyle couple, and have set some pretty broad parameters for themselves. They allow each other the freedom to play separately with other people. They also have conflicting work schedules so that they don't have the opportunity to see each other very often. So we ask ourselves, when they approach Malcolm to bitch about each other, do they have the right to accuse the other of an infidelity? I just dunno....it's too hard to put it all into perspective. How can you "cheat" when the understanding is you see who you wanna, when you wanna, as often as you wanna? Doesn't that absolve the other person of EVER cheating? I think what the underlying issue is, is that one half of the couple gives lip service to the agreement, but doesn't really want their partner to carry through with it, even though they have every intention of taking advantage of that agreement every chance they get. Kind of a case of "Do as I say and not as I do." But life just doesn't work like that...or shouldn't work like that. Fair's fair, as I see it. And if that is the agreement, then it holds true for both partners, like it or not. AND, if you can't deal with that arrangement, then it's time for both partners to sit down and talk it thru, renegotiate the deal.

On the other side of the fence is the issue of "phoneboning and sexting". We've actually been talking about this issue in a group that I participate in. People like to send nasty text messages to each other, nasty pictures, jokes, whatever. But at what point, if that behavior isn't engaged with your partner, does it become cheating, if ever? We used to talk about phone sex, cyber sex, and cam to cam as alternate forms of cheating on your spouse/significant other. It's a breach of trust because you are engaging in a reciprocated dialogue that is about sex or sexual stuff. Some people get really caught up into it because, I feel, it's a form of pornography. Interactive Pornography. And porn can be very addicting. I think another reason people engage in this is because it just feels good to know another human being finds you desirable. BUT, when is it over the line? Malcolm has a friend that he's introduced me to, a male friend. I chat with this guy, always with Malcolm's full knowledge. We've exchanged risque pics, which I've shown to Malcolm. Malcolm and I have talked about bringing him into our life as more than a friend. My feeling is that if I started talking to this gentleman without Malcolm's knowledge, and was carrying on an imaginary sex life with him, plotting and planning to get together whenever, WITHOUT MALCOLM, then the infidelity has already been started. I'd have broken trust by simply being a Capulet in Malcolm's courtyard. The intrinsic value of honesty and open communication in a relationship, especially a lifestyle relationship, lies in the fact that as partners and lifemates, you have each others back. When you become the one holding the knife....does it really start to matter so much whether or not you actually plunge it into your partner's back? Or is the act of contemplating the action enough?

So we have all these on the one hand, on the other hands going on..... But what about the issue of shattered trust? Regardless of the actual infidelity, the concept of cheating leaves mental scars that last quite a while. I went through this with Jachin. He has this habit of calling and texting every woman in a tri-state area it seemed, talking about everything and the kitchen sink, planning rendezvouses, and instant messaging all his girlies right in front of me. Some of them he was boning. Others never came to anything. But the fact was that I was always wondering and waiting for the shoe to drop.....I still do. No matter that I love Malcolm beyond reason, and that he's not really given me a reason to doubt. I wonder. And I know it is a by-product of the last relationship, the dregs I've yet to clear out and put in the trash.

I suppose an even better question to all this is.... For couples in the lifestyle...why would one partner or the other HAVE to cheat or sneak at ALL???? The idea of being in the lifestyle is that you get to have your cake and eat it too....with your spouse's/significant other's full knowledge and consent. What thought or desire drives someone to need more than that? Is it the whimsy of getting away with it? Is it a sex addiction? Is it just because they are grown and they can? I don't know the answer to this. But as I watch some of my friends ache because of this, I truly wish I did. I went through this already. I came out stronger and better on the other side for it. I hope these people that I know and care deeply for.....ALL of them, I hope they come through this scenario better for it in the end, even though it may not seem possible right now.

Da Rules?

So being the moderator of a new group affords me the opportunity to reflect upon all the reasons why people get into this lifestyle. I entered while I was a couple with my ex,who I'll call Jachin, after his repeated suggestions inspired my imagination to want to try. We'd already been a couple for awhile when we entered...at least a year or so, and it seemed a great way to take our relationship to the next level both sexually and emotionally. We'd talk about what we wanted, what our expectations were, and there was some trial and error in the beginning. Most of the error centered around us not sitting down and creating our ground rules: what would I absolutely not stand for, and what could he absolutely not put up with. What we certainly did both agree on was that we would always do it together, always be in the same room with each other. We'd always participate with the other because the joy and beauty in it for each of us was watching the other being pleased. There were never any disasters, and the errors were small things. I remember, at our first Merava Party, engaging with "The Kissing Man", LOL. It wasn't until a few months later that Jachin divulged that it kinda bothered him to see me seriously kissing another man. I told him that I'd wished I'd known upfront about it because it was a point of negotiation for me. On the one hand I surely never wanted to hurt him in any way. But on the other, if it was only a minor annoyance, I'd hoped we could work on it because I loved kissing very much, like an act of foreplay. He conceded that point, and I conceded wanting a 3sum with another guy, something he was most uncomfortable with. Jachin & I were always quite good at negotiating. But then, he is a salesman. LOL

Entering the lifestyle as a couple is an entirely different experience from the singles point of view. The couples scene is so much friendlier, I think. Most, if not all, of the people I've been blessed to meet are sane, secure, loving, and open people that not only make great lifestyle companions, but also everyday friends. I did have occasion to attend parties that were mainly single folk, and I found it a much more dog eat dog environment. The difference being that the single girls wanted alone time with the guys, hoping to build a great enough sexual experience to start a relationship off of, and the single guys, well, they are a class of their own.
Single guys, are by nature, predators. Most parties exclude them because they tend to hunt in packs and circle like hungry jackals. LOL, ok, so I exaggerate, but the honest truth is that the majority of single men are relentless in their pursuit of pussy. They will not listen to No. That oh-so-important golden rule of swinging...No Means No doesn't seem to stick in their craw too well. They will ask, and ask repeatedly to meet with the female part of a couple. They will ask to meet her alone, will make vows of secrecy, will urge her to cheat on her partner. Will try making her believe it's all good, or that somehow her man is out doing the same, so why not? If nothing else, they will wait to pounce on the chink in the relationship, when and if it appears. I've had to place countless guys on ignore because no was simply not their final answer. It's irritating, and inconsiderate. However, for couples that are not secure in their relationship? What a nightmare. Imagine attending a swing party with your lover and meeting a single guy that you play with. Now imagine that scenario if you are with a partner that you are having trust issues in your relationship with. What a nightmare of a situation. You've created a door for your partner to creep, and if nothing else, will always wonder if that could be the case.
For couples that think the lifestyle is the answer to their problems? You are looking in the wrong direction. Insecurity breeds mistrust. And the one thing you have to have in leaps and bounds in this lifestyle is honesty, communication, and trust. Love is a big part of it, and selflessness too. But the heart of the matter is trusting that no matter who you and your partner play with, that at the end of the night, you know and love the person you are returning home with. In fact, I would argue that swinging is nothing but gravy to an already great relationship. In both the relationships I've entered this lifestyle in, the sexual aspect of it couldn't be better. Jachin and I had a solid and wonderful sex life, to which swinging added a tender new dimension to, as well as allowing me to explore my bi nature for both of our enjoyments. We both had alot of love for each other before a party, and the after party of just the two of us was even more intense.

With Malcolm? Well shit. Malcolm is a level of sexual freedom and abandon I've never known before. Malcolm has only one rule for me to follow, and that is that I belong to him. The rest is up to my creative mind to interpret. Malcolm and I played separate in the beginning of our relationship when things were less intense between us emotionally. We had each others back, and knew who we were going home with, but that was the gist of the evening. As things have progressed for us we simply find more fulfillment in playing in the same room. He's beautiful to watch, and I love to see him, no matter what. He enjoys watching me play as well, and loves joining me even more. We view our most satisfying sexual enjoyment, however, as the sex between just the two of us, our private time. The party stuff is mostly foreplay for us as our tastes and desires have gone beyond what we can practice in front of other people. Malcolm, especially, looks forward to that alone time most of all.

Essential to the lifestyle is honesty. This lifestyle is most definitely not about cheating on your partner. This hearkens back to the trust issues...if you can't trust your partner not to cheat, why would you want to introduce them to other people in the lifestyle. Cheaters are really frowned upon in this capacity simply because nobody wants their relationship tampered with, PERIOD. It was the failing point between Jachin and I...the cheating thing. I have confidence in Malcolm. I feel really great knowing that he will laugh the silly bitches away that might consider trying to tamper with us. In fact, it's the first time in my life I actually welcome them to try it. I would love to see the bloodbath he leaves behind with his razor sharp tongue. Lies and deceit erode the confidence in relationships however, and for couples that can't get past that sticking point, this lifestyle isn't for them. Fix yourselves first, fix your relationships second, and maybe, just maybe you might try this later on.

Along with the basic rule of No Means No, I'd say the next biggest rule would be to not fuck with another couple's relationship integrity. What I mean by that is there are all kinds of people that swing. Some swing with their spouses or Long Term Partners. Some swing with FWB's (Friends With Benefits), and some swing solo. To try and "steal" another person's mate or date is one of the most heinous things you can do, simply, again, because of that trust factor. Whether you are male or female, who the hell would trust you once they know you go after other people's men/women? The thing about the lifestyle community is this...they are a small-ish group, and usually close knit. It does get out, and it does get around, QUICK! It has to. We protect our own, to the best of our ability. If you are engaged in an activity that you don't want others to know about....you are doing something wrong, and yes, you are going to be hated and despised. Common sense and respect for people that you play with go a long way.

Drama is the other thing that is despised in this lifestyle. The last thing people want to deal with are other people's issues, whatever they are. The whole premise of being in the lifestyle is to relax and enjoy. Don't screw that up with your personal bullshit. Leave that at home, and if you can't, then DON'T GO TO THE DAMN PARTY!!

My last thing is about protection. For God's sake, this is 2009, and everyone has had basic classes on sexually transmitted diseases. Want some scary statistics??? One in Five people have Herpes. One in ten have Chlamydia, 1 in 300 have Gonorrhea. There are lots of ways to provide yourself with basic protection, like condoms, for instance. Of course the only guaranteed way to avoid all disease is abstinence, but a condom goes a long way. It still blows my mind when people play bareback with strangers. Imagine this...it only takes one time to get an incurable disease...like playing Russian roulette but with AIDS or Syphilis instead of a bullet. Also, if you are playing bareback with someone, you are having sex not only with them, but with all the people that they have had sex with, and with all the people THOSE people have had sex with, on and on. Never think you are the first person that person is granting the privilege of playing bareback with. That in itself should be a wake up call. Even worse if you play bareback and are in a committed relationship, because then you actually put not only yourself at risk, but your partner too. How selfish. Cover UP!!

So I guess here are my most basic rules of thumb....

Be Honest
Be Trustworthy
Have Respect for Yourself and Others
Be Drama Free
No Means No
Use Common Sense
PLAY SAFE!!!!

If you can't do these things, then for FUCKS sake, GET OUT of the Lifestyle, it is NOT for you!!!

How It All Began

Everyone has a beginning, right? Some first moment when it all started, that spark, the magic. Sometimes it's subtle, other times it's explosive. I had only recently terminated a long term relationship, and I'd decided to go to a lifestyle party geared more toward singles. I was reticent about it, not really 100% into it, but figured it was my life I wanted to reclaim, and I was going to move on if it killed me. LOL ~I was nervous, going down. It was my first party without my now Ex, and it just didn't feel quite right. I passed the exit, 48, and felt a little lump settle in my stomach, but then I got pissed, and couldn't wait to get there. Paul, one of the group moderators had promised he'd have my back today, not letting it degenerate into a gang bang, making sure that if other men fucked me, they'd all be wearing condoms. I find myself not thinking about the right choices when I'm in the thick of it, I become mindless, wholly focused on the pleasure riding thru my blood, almost like taking drugs... And I realize I have to hold back now because I have to be able to make the right choices on my own. I miss that part of couplehood...knowing that someone loves you and is looking out for you. It's not quite as free without it. I got there in just under 2 hours. No stops made it a shorter ride. No booze for me today either, I've got to be rational, and I've got to be able to drive home as well. Paul was waiting for me, with a big hug, and reassurances..."it's going to be ok, I'll be with you today". He and Janet, and Malcolm, the other guy there, were all smoking a huge blunt, and the smoke was thick in her house. I may not be inhaling, but I knew I was still getting high. I sat with Paul, on the leather sofa, while everyone introduced themselves to me. LOL, Janet has a super poor memory, and didn't remember that I'd already met her and Paul. It's ok though, it gave me the chance to get more hugs and luv. Malcolm was startling, to look at. It was a little like seeing my ex, same bald head, same goatee, almost the same age. Same earring that my ex used to wear when I first met him. But thats where his similarities ended. He was really dark, with tattoos all over his chest and arms, and back, the tightest ass I'd ever seen, and had eyes like Tupac. Paul grabbed my hand, and wasted no time leading me to Janet's bedroom. He asked if i wanted the door closed, and I said no...Janet & Malcolm seemed busy, I assumed they'd be busy for awhile. Paul undressed me, telling me how he had been waiting for me for awhile now, and that he intended to make me scream. He laid me back on the bed, pushed my thighs apart, and looked up my body. When he saw me looking back at him, he told me he was going to lick me blind. He spread my pussy with his hands, kissed the insides of my thighs until they were shaking, then finally put his tongue where I wanted it and needed it. He was soft and gentle, and my God, it felt so good. I couldn't help sighing. It wasn't screaming time, definitely not yet, but his tongue slowly brushing over my clit was like warm brandy hitting the pit of your stomach. I could hear Janet's voice coming closer, but I kept my eyes closed...i just wanted to feel this. I was holding my breasts, and pinching and rolling my own nipples, just because it felt nice. A set of hands took my hands away, and a warm mouth closed over the tip, swirling and sucking my pebble hard nipple. It was so good, I pushed my back up so he'd take more into his mouth. Paul was going quicker now...flicking over and over, and it was making me breathless. I couldn't cum, but it felt like I wanted to. Malcolm knelt over my head, his large cock hanging near my mouth. Please.....I was begging, I needed so much to have it. He let me have it, but i wanted it deep, and his angle wasn't there. I pressed his thighs, and he knew. He knew what i wanted so he began to fuck my mouth, lightly, softly. And then he let me take him all. He was in my throat...I gagged, then settled...trying to breathe as he pressed a little deeper. He lay on my body, and then it was HIS mouth on my pussy, Paul holding my hand. Paul telling me it was ok, to relax. And this mouth, this tongue that lapped at me like I was sweet cream and I was so fucking wet. I had a cock down my throat, a mouth on my clit sucking me in time with my pulse, and his fingers in my pussy and my ass. And I shattered, screaming with his cock lodged deep in my throat. But he wasn't done, he wouldn't let me stop. He left my mouth and got even busier about eating me, and Paul was there, ready to fill my mouth. I was ready for him, i wanted to show him I could take him, and make him feel better than he ever had. He liked it when I whimpered around his cock, liked seeing Malcolm suck me so hard it raised my hips off the bed, made my fists bunch up the sheets. I could feel my wetness pouring out of me, down my ass, all over my thighs. Even Janet could see it, "look at how fucking juicy she is" she cried, and I stretched out my hand so that she could dance her clit on my fingers. Finally he let me stop, let me breathe again. Janet was laying next to me, and he moved to her pussy. That wouldn't do at all. I got up, pushed him aside, and put MY face in her pussy, and 2 of my fingers up inside her, rubbing and stroking her from inside and out. I felt hands on my ass then...rubbing and caressing...and then MMMM. A hard cock fucking me. Janet could feel him fucking me. More than that, she could feel me fucking him back...It rocked my mouth hard against her clit, and sent my fingers in and out of her. I could feel my ass bouncing, and I knew he liked it. And then then there was a mouth on my clit again. I couldn't move anymore...both men held me still. Malcolm so that he could lick me, and Paul so that he could fuck me hard. It was amazing, and I screamed against Janet's clit, and made her cum, made her squirt. And they still weren't done with me yet.... We rested some, and got a snack. As usual, I'd not eaten on the way down...nerves and all. So I found suddenly that I was famished. And I couldn't make any spit...my mouth was completely dried out. I had some cases of diet coke...but they were out in the car, and I was naked. I slipped a translucent top on, one I had been wearing over a tank top...one that would readily let everyone know that I was naked. I had the look of someone who had been completely fucked....hair all bedraggled, makeup melted off, and that bright reddish glow I get when it's made me work for it. I was desperate enough to go to my car virtually naked...but thankfully Paul did the deed, catering to me like I was a china doll, something fragile that had to be carefully handled. LOL. He'd caught me crying a bit, and was worried I wasn't having a good time. I really was, but those thoughts....memories....choked me up. I sucked it up, went to wash my face, and tidy up a bit, and was made to sit in the middle of the two men. Another guy had shown up by this time. I wasn't sure what to make of him, wasn't sure if I'd have to entertain him at some point..."take one for the team" as it were. Paul was absolutely against my doing so, letting me know that I had no obligation but to entertain exactly who I wanted to. I guess I felt like if the guy just joined into the fun, I'd be acting bitchy to say no, when everyone ELSE was playing. Thankfully I never had to make such a decision...I still don't know if it was because Paul set it up like that, or if the guy never had any intention of joining anyways. I felt exhausted, and I was still sweaty...so I went and lay down in the spare room...naked again, but on my belly, ass up. I have a huge ass, a bubble butt I've been told. I also had some ass admirers, and they'd filled my head with enough compliments that day to make me feel ok about being on such blatant display. Laying there, resting, I felt hands on my ass, smoothing over it, squeezing, caressing. Lips kissing...so gentle, it was hypnotic. I didn't know who it was, hadn't opened my eyes to see. But I felt that tongue....Malcolm. He licked me, and bit my ass....then held me down. I didn't know what he was about...i wasn't going anywhere...but then I realized what he had in mind, and why he wanted to keep me from running. He ran his tongue down to my pussy again, lapping at the wetness, and drawing it up higher. He ran his tongue around my ass and rimmed me, HARD. I'd never thought I'd like that. Someone had tried it years ago, and it had tickled unbearably. But he kept drawing long lazy circles, firm circles, then took his fingers and went inside, stretching and opening me. I wanted to tell him no, but he'd shush me and go back to what he was doing, alternately fucking my ass with his fingers and sucking hard on my clit. I know my ass was circling, begging him to fuck me. I wanted to be taken hard, I wanted it to hurt me. I wanted to feel his hand landing on my ass and leaving a print. I was whimpering, and begging, and pushing my ass back at him while he would laugh, and say..."down, babygirl". I heard the rustle of the condom wrapper, and knew I'd finally get what I wanted. He was being too easy...to gentle. He had his hands on my hips, and he slid in, pressing firmly until he was all the way in, until his balls slapped my pussy. "Harder" I told him. "How hard?" he asked? I found his eyes with mine, and said "Hard". He wrapped his fist in my hair then and yanked my head back. "YES YES!!" I cried, FINALLY...finally....and the first smack hit. It was hard enough to make me jump and gasp. He landed 3 more, and I could feel my ass cheek heating up, and my nipples getting diamond hard. And still he fucked my ass, holding my hair like reins. I was so close, I wanted to cum, but I just couldn't get there.... He pulled out really quick, and replaced his cock with his tongue...fucking my ass with his tongue, and then sucking my clit into his mouth until I screamed my release, and felt my pussy creaming all over his face. He put his fingers into my wet, wet pussy, then brought them up to my mouth, and made me suck them. Sweet...I really do taste sweet... Malcolm and I drove home together that fateful day, bonding in the car, exchanging numbers, having great conversation, and promising each other we'd see each other again. It's been a year now, and what started out as playful fun evolved into something neither one of us anticipated. We haven't looked back since....

A little bit about us...

We are Lilith and Malcolm of Maine. Together for about a year now, we met by happenstance at a lifestyle party hosted by a friend of mine after I'd broken up with someone I'd had a deep and abiding love affair with for 5 years. Malcolm is my equal in all ways, and I've found incredible happiness with him. We're enjoying Spring, in Maine, after a long cold winter. Malcolm is a Biker, both bicycle and motorbike. Better temperatures and roads also mean that both his bikes are now able to be roadworthy. My fierce biker guy is ecstatic that he's back in the saddle, literally. I know it's hard on him to put his favorite toys away for five or six months, especially when his need to work his body hard every day gets relegated to inside activities. Not his favorite thing. I'm not a fitness buff, obviously, and I've never understood what drives someone to NEED to work out vigorously on a daily basis. The idea of losing sleep in exchange for causing yourself pain has always baffled me. LOL However, being with a guy who is so in control of his every muscle, someone who is so lean and toned, so damn STRONG. Wow.... yeah...just...Wow.It's part of the myriad opposites that we represent. I'm fairest of fair, apart from being albino. I have that pale skin which you can see the veins through, the kind of skin that you can watch the blood flush under. I'm round, and very soft. I defer to him in so many ways, I sometimes seem to have "sub" written across my forehead. I have lots of hair, endless handfuls of it that cascade over my shoulders and down my back. Soft, fragrant curls that are as dark as I am pale. I am unmarked, unpierced. Nothing to mar the endless expanse of pale soft flesh. He, well he is dark ebony. He has lush velvety skin that reminds me of 60% cacao chocolate. He is so lean, so many angles and lines. He's hard, not an ounce of fat on him. Everything about him speaks about power and domination. He considers his body an extension of his artwork, and has decorated it accordingly. He's got multiple piercings, which seem to only accentuate his aura of strength and power. His eyes are these beautiful sloe shaped sable and espresso colored wells. I could look at him with my own color changing eyes endlessly. He pleases me on so many levels. He engages my imagination. He stimulates my intellect. He challenges me to grow and evolve. And he's shown me new ways to relate. He makes me laugh... a lot. And when we are together, we get along so freaking well. All those opposites..but we complement each other in so many ways. We egg each other on. We verbally spar. We reach for new levels of depravity. LOL, don't ask about the last one, private joke there. He's great to socialize with in a group...always the life of the party with his quick wit and generous humor. He's just the best date! We make a striking couple with all those opposites and people stop to look at us wherever we go. It was disturbing for me to experience that level of noticeability at first, but I've settled into accepting it for what it is. He's beautiful to look at, and I wouldn't take the experience of looking at him away from anyone. I certainly can never get my fill. I clean up pretty well myself, if I might say so. And most importantly, being with him makes me feel like a million dollars.

In the Beginning...

I've been envisioning this blog for a long time now. Seeing it's existence within the quiet yet active folds of my brain, forming it's breadth and purpose the way we women goddesses often form our perfect children. Those children are conceived, and we wait. But the waiting is an active process where imagination meets reality. This blog will be that child for me. It has matured enough in my mental and emotional processes to be birthed. And so the beginning.....sloppy, joy filled, tremulous.....

I wish to chronicle a journey here, my journey and that of my partner. We are swingers enjoying an amazing life, but more than that, we defy all the odds. I am a fat girl, he is a black man. We are a BBW interracial couple, but holy cow do we have some incredible fun. My purpose is to open your eyes to a lifestyle that many consider taboo, dirty, slutty, harebrained, or otherwise unfit for "normal" people. My other purpose is to open people's eyes to how beautiful every woman can be....short, tall, fat, skinny... But mostly to hammer away the point that BBW's, or BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN are gorgeous, desirable, beautiful women just the way they are. My partner and I are committed to enabling women to love themselves for who they are NOW...not what someone else thinks they should become. I've struggled with body image my whole life. I still do most days because it's not something you can let go of after a lifetime of programming to believe you aren't quite right. This is my real journey. The journey to share my discovery of just how right I really am, in all the ways that matter most.

I hope you will pardon me while I struggle to put this together in a cohesive manner. I'm looking forward to sharing the past and present with everyone that cares to walk along side me for a bit.