Da Rules?

So being the moderator of a new group affords me the opportunity to reflect upon all the reasons why people get into this lifestyle. I entered while I was a couple with my ex,who I'll call Jachin, after his repeated suggestions inspired my imagination to want to try. We'd already been a couple for awhile when we entered...at least a year or so, and it seemed a great way to take our relationship to the next level both sexually and emotionally. We'd talk about what we wanted, what our expectations were, and there was some trial and error in the beginning. Most of the error centered around us not sitting down and creating our ground rules: what would I absolutely not stand for, and what could he absolutely not put up with. What we certainly did both agree on was that we would always do it together, always be in the same room with each other. We'd always participate with the other because the joy and beauty in it for each of us was watching the other being pleased. There were never any disasters, and the errors were small things. I remember, at our first Merava Party, engaging with "The Kissing Man", LOL. It wasn't until a few months later that Jachin divulged that it kinda bothered him to see me seriously kissing another man. I told him that I'd wished I'd known upfront about it because it was a point of negotiation for me. On the one hand I surely never wanted to hurt him in any way. But on the other, if it was only a minor annoyance, I'd hoped we could work on it because I loved kissing very much, like an act of foreplay. He conceded that point, and I conceded wanting a 3sum with another guy, something he was most uncomfortable with. Jachin & I were always quite good at negotiating. But then, he is a salesman. LOL

Entering the lifestyle as a couple is an entirely different experience from the singles point of view. The couples scene is so much friendlier, I think. Most, if not all, of the people I've been blessed to meet are sane, secure, loving, and open people that not only make great lifestyle companions, but also everyday friends. I did have occasion to attend parties that were mainly single folk, and I found it a much more dog eat dog environment. The difference being that the single girls wanted alone time with the guys, hoping to build a great enough sexual experience to start a relationship off of, and the single guys, well, they are a class of their own.
Single guys, are by nature, predators. Most parties exclude them because they tend to hunt in packs and circle like hungry jackals. LOL, ok, so I exaggerate, but the honest truth is that the majority of single men are relentless in their pursuit of pussy. They will not listen to No. That oh-so-important golden rule of swinging...No Means No doesn't seem to stick in their craw too well. They will ask, and ask repeatedly to meet with the female part of a couple. They will ask to meet her alone, will make vows of secrecy, will urge her to cheat on her partner. Will try making her believe it's all good, or that somehow her man is out doing the same, so why not? If nothing else, they will wait to pounce on the chink in the relationship, when and if it appears. I've had to place countless guys on ignore because no was simply not their final answer. It's irritating, and inconsiderate. However, for couples that are not secure in their relationship? What a nightmare. Imagine attending a swing party with your lover and meeting a single guy that you play with. Now imagine that scenario if you are with a partner that you are having trust issues in your relationship with. What a nightmare of a situation. You've created a door for your partner to creep, and if nothing else, will always wonder if that could be the case.
For couples that think the lifestyle is the answer to their problems? You are looking in the wrong direction. Insecurity breeds mistrust. And the one thing you have to have in leaps and bounds in this lifestyle is honesty, communication, and trust. Love is a big part of it, and selflessness too. But the heart of the matter is trusting that no matter who you and your partner play with, that at the end of the night, you know and love the person you are returning home with. In fact, I would argue that swinging is nothing but gravy to an already great relationship. In both the relationships I've entered this lifestyle in, the sexual aspect of it couldn't be better. Jachin and I had a solid and wonderful sex life, to which swinging added a tender new dimension to, as well as allowing me to explore my bi nature for both of our enjoyments. We both had alot of love for each other before a party, and the after party of just the two of us was even more intense.

With Malcolm? Well shit. Malcolm is a level of sexual freedom and abandon I've never known before. Malcolm has only one rule for me to follow, and that is that I belong to him. The rest is up to my creative mind to interpret. Malcolm and I played separate in the beginning of our relationship when things were less intense between us emotionally. We had each others back, and knew who we were going home with, but that was the gist of the evening. As things have progressed for us we simply find more fulfillment in playing in the same room. He's beautiful to watch, and I love to see him, no matter what. He enjoys watching me play as well, and loves joining me even more. We view our most satisfying sexual enjoyment, however, as the sex between just the two of us, our private time. The party stuff is mostly foreplay for us as our tastes and desires have gone beyond what we can practice in front of other people. Malcolm, especially, looks forward to that alone time most of all.

Essential to the lifestyle is honesty. This lifestyle is most definitely not about cheating on your partner. This hearkens back to the trust issues...if you can't trust your partner not to cheat, why would you want to introduce them to other people in the lifestyle. Cheaters are really frowned upon in this capacity simply because nobody wants their relationship tampered with, PERIOD. It was the failing point between Jachin and I...the cheating thing. I have confidence in Malcolm. I feel really great knowing that he will laugh the silly bitches away that might consider trying to tamper with us. In fact, it's the first time in my life I actually welcome them to try it. I would love to see the bloodbath he leaves behind with his razor sharp tongue. Lies and deceit erode the confidence in relationships however, and for couples that can't get past that sticking point, this lifestyle isn't for them. Fix yourselves first, fix your relationships second, and maybe, just maybe you might try this later on.

Along with the basic rule of No Means No, I'd say the next biggest rule would be to not fuck with another couple's relationship integrity. What I mean by that is there are all kinds of people that swing. Some swing with their spouses or Long Term Partners. Some swing with FWB's (Friends With Benefits), and some swing solo. To try and "steal" another person's mate or date is one of the most heinous things you can do, simply, again, because of that trust factor. Whether you are male or female, who the hell would trust you once they know you go after other people's men/women? The thing about the lifestyle community is this...they are a small-ish group, and usually close knit. It does get out, and it does get around, QUICK! It has to. We protect our own, to the best of our ability. If you are engaged in an activity that you don't want others to know about....you are doing something wrong, and yes, you are going to be hated and despised. Common sense and respect for people that you play with go a long way.

Drama is the other thing that is despised in this lifestyle. The last thing people want to deal with are other people's issues, whatever they are. The whole premise of being in the lifestyle is to relax and enjoy. Don't screw that up with your personal bullshit. Leave that at home, and if you can't, then DON'T GO TO THE DAMN PARTY!!

My last thing is about protection. For God's sake, this is 2009, and everyone has had basic classes on sexually transmitted diseases. Want some scary statistics??? One in Five people have Herpes. One in ten have Chlamydia, 1 in 300 have Gonorrhea. There are lots of ways to provide yourself with basic protection, like condoms, for instance. Of course the only guaranteed way to avoid all disease is abstinence, but a condom goes a long way. It still blows my mind when people play bareback with strangers. Imagine this...it only takes one time to get an incurable disease...like playing Russian roulette but with AIDS or Syphilis instead of a bullet. Also, if you are playing bareback with someone, you are having sex not only with them, but with all the people that they have had sex with, and with all the people THOSE people have had sex with, on and on. Never think you are the first person that person is granting the privilege of playing bareback with. That in itself should be a wake up call. Even worse if you play bareback and are in a committed relationship, because then you actually put not only yourself at risk, but your partner too. How selfish. Cover UP!!

So I guess here are my most basic rules of thumb....

Be Honest
Be Trustworthy
Have Respect for Yourself and Others
Be Drama Free
No Means No
Use Common Sense
PLAY SAFE!!!!

If you can't do these things, then for FUCKS sake, GET OUT of the Lifestyle, it is NOT for you!!!