Cheater?

There must be something in the air lately. Malcolm and I have a few friends of ours that are really going through some tough times in their relationships. Not cut and dry stuff though, it's all this weird, gray area, i dunno, WTF is THAT kind of shit. Some friends of ours in Mass have been fighting for some time now. They are a lifestyle couple, and have set some pretty broad parameters for themselves. They allow each other the freedom to play separately with other people. They also have conflicting work schedules so that they don't have the opportunity to see each other very often. So we ask ourselves, when they approach Malcolm to bitch about each other, do they have the right to accuse the other of an infidelity? I just dunno....it's too hard to put it all into perspective. How can you "cheat" when the understanding is you see who you wanna, when you wanna, as often as you wanna? Doesn't that absolve the other person of EVER cheating? I think what the underlying issue is, is that one half of the couple gives lip service to the agreement, but doesn't really want their partner to carry through with it, even though they have every intention of taking advantage of that agreement every chance they get. Kind of a case of "Do as I say and not as I do." But life just doesn't work like that...or shouldn't work like that. Fair's fair, as I see it. And if that is the agreement, then it holds true for both partners, like it or not. AND, if you can't deal with that arrangement, then it's time for both partners to sit down and talk it thru, renegotiate the deal.

On the other side of the fence is the issue of "phoneboning and sexting". We've actually been talking about this issue in a group that I participate in. People like to send nasty text messages to each other, nasty pictures, jokes, whatever. But at what point, if that behavior isn't engaged with your partner, does it become cheating, if ever? We used to talk about phone sex, cyber sex, and cam to cam as alternate forms of cheating on your spouse/significant other. It's a breach of trust because you are engaging in a reciprocated dialogue that is about sex or sexual stuff. Some people get really caught up into it because, I feel, it's a form of pornography. Interactive Pornography. And porn can be very addicting. I think another reason people engage in this is because it just feels good to know another human being finds you desirable. BUT, when is it over the line? Malcolm has a friend that he's introduced me to, a male friend. I chat with this guy, always with Malcolm's full knowledge. We've exchanged risque pics, which I've shown to Malcolm. Malcolm and I have talked about bringing him into our life as more than a friend. My feeling is that if I started talking to this gentleman without Malcolm's knowledge, and was carrying on an imaginary sex life with him, plotting and planning to get together whenever, WITHOUT MALCOLM, then the infidelity has already been started. I'd have broken trust by simply being a Capulet in Malcolm's courtyard. The intrinsic value of honesty and open communication in a relationship, especially a lifestyle relationship, lies in the fact that as partners and lifemates, you have each others back. When you become the one holding the knife....does it really start to matter so much whether or not you actually plunge it into your partner's back? Or is the act of contemplating the action enough?

So we have all these on the one hand, on the other hands going on..... But what about the issue of shattered trust? Regardless of the actual infidelity, the concept of cheating leaves mental scars that last quite a while. I went through this with Jachin. He has this habit of calling and texting every woman in a tri-state area it seemed, talking about everything and the kitchen sink, planning rendezvouses, and instant messaging all his girlies right in front of me. Some of them he was boning. Others never came to anything. But the fact was that I was always wondering and waiting for the shoe to drop.....I still do. No matter that I love Malcolm beyond reason, and that he's not really given me a reason to doubt. I wonder. And I know it is a by-product of the last relationship, the dregs I've yet to clear out and put in the trash.

I suppose an even better question to all this is.... For couples in the lifestyle...why would one partner or the other HAVE to cheat or sneak at ALL???? The idea of being in the lifestyle is that you get to have your cake and eat it too....with your spouse's/significant other's full knowledge and consent. What thought or desire drives someone to need more than that? Is it the whimsy of getting away with it? Is it a sex addiction? Is it just because they are grown and they can? I don't know the answer to this. But as I watch some of my friends ache because of this, I truly wish I did. I went through this already. I came out stronger and better on the other side for it. I hope these people that I know and care deeply for.....ALL of them, I hope they come through this scenario better for it in the end, even though it may not seem possible right now.