Strange Fascination

So, I have this new fascination with singer Lady Gaga. I find her disturbing in the extreme, yet reminiscent of the performance artists of the 80's and 90's, and also reminded me of Bjork, well and to be honest Rupaul too. Upon first seeing her I couldn't decide whether she was a woman or an incredible drag queen. I think she has one of the most gorgeous bodies I've ever seen, something about her shaping, her thickness in all the right places, yet her suppleness and ability to move is so sexy. I love her confidence and her take me or leave me attitude. I love her bravado and I absolutely adore her SHOES! She draws references from Broadway, and Queen, and Michael Jackson, and openly celebrates her bi-sexuality. I had to watch her new video like 5 times before the EWW factor wore off and I started really liking it. I sent it to Malcolm for him to watch because I think he'll either love it or hate it, but still appreciate her art. But also because it makes me laugh since it epitomizes Jachin's romances....LOL Anywho, here's a picture and a video link, hopefully. Enjoy!

Broken

Of all the things I had planned for my Sunday Afternoon....it wasn't breaking my foot. Although technically not a broken bone, the ER physician kinda laughed and told me I'd have been more fortunate had I indeed just broken a metatarsal instead of ripping a ligament. "Bones heal better than ligaments, generally.", he crowed. I just looked at him with an evil eye, and waited for the ER Tech to begin the wrapping process, since they had already tortured me in XRay.

Not being able to walk is a pain in the ass. I have to work, I have to do errands for my mom, I have to take care of my kid, and I have an event coming up FAST. I can't do anything in the vicinity of those things right now, and it nearly broke my spirit last night. But I rallied, and decided it was time to call in a favor. I knew Malcolm wasn't going to like it one bit. I knew he'd be pissed, actually. But survival comes first, and so does taking care of my family. So I guilted the BFF into being my personal bitch for a few days. He agreed after heaving a few sighs.

Jachin will be staying over for the next few days while I hopefully regain more and more use of my foot. The ER doc said 6-8 weeks, I'm really plugging for 6-8 days. I know ligaments are testy things, resilient to healing once they are damaged. But it's my will against the ligament. While the ligament is still winning the battle, I need Jachin. I need him to drive me to work and help me with the crutches. I need him to help me feed my family and help me care for my mother. LOL, Lucy is NOT gonna be happy to see him again, but she'll deal, knowing that he's her only means of getting her fast food for a while.

I spoke with Malcolm this morning and begged him to understand. Jachin owes me this for all the times I've bailed his ass out of his own problems. It's not a sex thing, to be sure, I sure nuff can't put out when the slightest movement on the bed sends shards of pain thru my foot. Malcolm was pissed, I could tell. But he breathed thru it, and he told me he trusts me and he understands. And he agrees that Jachin owes me too. So, thankfully, it works out in Jachin's best interst too, since Mrs D is moving to a close by nursing home facility today. Don't think I didn't use that in my bribery. LOL. Well, and he really does have all the time in the universe right now.

Malcolm is helping me wrap my foot this morning. I trust him to do it correctly without too much pain. How I'll get my ass up the 2 flights of stairs to his room is another question altogether. Perhaps I'll gain the ability to sprout wings and fly. Until then, I guess crawling on my knees will have to do.

Writing It All Down

I love to write. I need to do it, to express the images and thoughts and feelings that flow through my brain about the people that affect me on some level, good or bad. I write about Malcolm and our relationship, our sex life, our party business. I write about Jachin and our friendship, our past, the comedy that he always inspires. I try NOT to write about my stalker because in the end it only feeds her ego. I even try not to write about Jachin too much because it makes her act out, either with rage towards me or towards Jachin, that he should dare to keep me as a friend.

Malcolm encourages me to not write about her, telling me that it only continues to fuel her. He wants to me move on from it because, in his words, "You've already won the war. You can't win more than you have." He brings up how when you have a fist fight with someone and you totally trump them, they continually want a rematch to prove they aren't as much as a pussy as you've shown them to be. But, he maintains, a rematch is a moot point when you've won. I'm not trying to win again or win more. I'm simply living my life and writing it down as I go because it's what I do. So what do you do when you have someone that won't leave you alone? Someone that is jealous beyond reason, and covets everything that you have? Someone who's sole ambition is to try and throw a wrench into the gears? I do try to ignore her, for the most part. It usually works, except when she attacks Jachin over something I've written.

I have this internal dialog I run now, and it's called WWMS (What Would Malcolm Say). So while Jachin starts with the why do you have to write shit speach, I am listing to the wit and wisdom of Malcolm running thru my head and whispering into my ear. What Would Malcolm Say if one of the women in HIS life had a conniption every time she read a blog? Well, he would tell her that he didn't want to hear it, and if she had such a problem with what she was reading, then it was up to her to stop reading it. Malcolm's advice to Jachin would be to SHUT IT DOWN. Put the hand up and just say ENOUGH. Malcolm has told me he considers her antics juvenile, and wants me to hold myself above it. I agree. But I don't want to have to stop doing what I love either. So I strive to make my posts about different things that are going on in my life. In the past I have written things to poke the bear, so to speak. But I left that behind when I began this new endeavor. It hasn't made a difference in her behavior one iota.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of continuing to be true to my blog, and still living my life openly and honestly, or of censoring what I write to keep a psycho at bay and spare Jachin from having to deal with shrieking fights and arguments. I told Jachin once that I only write about things as they affect ME. If it doesn't impact my life, then it isn't something I'm interested in writing about. There are many things I choose not to write about because they are personal and special, either to me, to Malcolm, or yes...even to Jachin. But for the fun, interesting things, I want to write that. As I told Jachin tonight, the reality is that our lives are irrevocably intertwined and we do affect each other. Until that changes, he remains fair game as a topic. I don't slander him, I don't post anything about him I wouldn't say right to his face, and most time I've already said it or discussed it with him. So our consensus was to just continue on and know that not everyone will always enjoy or agree with what I decide to write about, and at that point it is their prerogative to stop reading this blog. Christ, if only.

Blocking

Jachin had asked me to help him with a project this past Friday, and, since I had the day off, I had readily agreed. Afterall, it meant I could get to spend a little quality time with Malcolm before I actually had to be available to help out Jachin. I was really excited about it, and looking forward to it until Jachin changed his mind. Upon hearing my plan to come up early and have extra time to do whatever it is Malcolm and I would have decided to do, Jachin decided he didn't want me to go there. He made some lame excuses, said he didn't want to bother me, that I wouldn't be able to help him with his time line, and that he had already invested money in a full gas tank in Medusa's van. WTF? So, as confused as I was, because it had been a done deal, I started to probe about what the issue was. And at the root of it all was the fact that Jachin was attempting to block my rendezvous with Malcolm. Hmmmmmmmm......

Jachin claims not to be upset or jealous of my relationship with Malcolm. He says he's happy that we've settled our issues and are relatively happy with each other again. He says he's not bothered by our marathon sex sessions. But he also didn't deny that he was definitely blocking. So I spoke to Malcolm about it, and he laughed about it saying not to worry, he'd make sure it didn't become an issue. Trust and faith, and all that good stuff. I suppose there isn't much else to say about it except that I'm surprised that Jachin's little green monster reared it's ugly head. I suppose it might be hard for him to see the reality of our relationship in the flesh as opposed to just chatting about it with me, or with Malcolm for that matter since I recently found out that they discuss me between them. AWKWARD!! LOL, well that and the fact they are also picture sharing is creepy. I think Malcolm and I might have to have a lil chat about the picture issue although in reality, we have shared a lot of those pictures publicly, even though we've cropped the hell out of them.

I know now how Jachin must have felt when I talked with some of his booty calls and we discussed his sexual merits between us, giggling like schoolgirls. I also know why he was so creeped out when I became close friends with one of those women. It's kinda hard to conceive of two people that you've had sexual relationships with, one past and one current, being able to sit around and just have a chat about you. Makes one wonder what they could be discussing. It's interesting because each one will mention a snippet of their conversations to me. Malcolm had, on our extended ride home last party, told me that he and Jachin had been discussing having partners in the lifestyle, and that they had agreed that because of my flexibility and my confidence in my mate, and my openness in experimenting sexually, that I made a most excellent partner. I suppose it's the same as Malcolm and I discussing Jachin together, or Jachin and I discussing Malcolm together. But it really has become such a tangled web, albeit a friendly one.

The blocking thing tho.....that's gotta hit the can.

Back Where We Belong

I was humming that Joe Cocker song today, getting the lyric wrong but thinking it was so where Malcolm and I were as a couple right now. Taking it day by day, and working on myself...regaining my sanity....has worked a virtual miracle. And if only I possessed that patience I so admire in so many of my friends. The ability to trust that events will transpire to make everything work out. I do have that ability in small doses that always have capsules of dread and sarcasm embedded in it. Thankfully the fact that love was always with us made the comeback even sweeter.

We were both disappointed in not being able to share our nights together, but the truth is we're both parents of small kids. He understands my need to stay and keep my daughter happy and safe. As he has formed a loving relationship with her as well, it's also a need of his. We'd talked in the past about her staying over with me, but that was a summertime musing. That plan doesn't translate well during school time. So I was prepared to just deal, and so was he, kind of like we always have. However, a miracle occurred and he was offered a new shift, all of a sudden opening up his mornings. He honestly has become a new man since beginning his new shift. I hadn't realized just how unhappy he'd become. But I hear his laughter again, we have meaningful and prolonged conversations again. He's relaxed, and he's not so damn tired all the time. He suddenly has time to DO stuff again, to get his errands completed, to visit his mom when he's rested and awake.

I took time last week to have lunch with a dear girlfriend of mine who recently had surgery, and has been going crazy in her downtime. It was wonderful to see her again, and to talk about everything from the crazy time to the recovery, to everything in between and hear her laugh at me and cry with me. Malcolm really enjoys this girl as well so I was sharing my visit with him on the way home, and I'd let him know that since I was only scheduled part time right now, I'd be willing to travel to see her again. He was quiet for a minute and then finally asked me to come to him. I knew he'd had a wonderful weekend with me, we both had thoroughly enjoyed our time away. But just like my desire has been reignited, so has his, and I knew he was hoping to see me bright and early Monday morning. And I had to work that day. LOL

So we postponed till Tuesday, and what a morning it was. To have such relaxed time with him is amazing. Both of us are rested, not exhausted. We're both in a great mood, and both of us love morning sex. So we cuddled, watched tv, and talked. And we made love 10 ways to tomorrow. LOLOL For Jachin's sake I tried to be quiet, I really did try. I failed miserably, and it made Malcolm laugh no end. He WANTED me to be loud, he WANTED me screaming. I'm not gonna dissect it, but he certainly went the distance to make sure I was cumming pretty frequently, and very loudly. I love being multi orgasmic with him. I love the way he makes me cum, then lets me cum down only the smallest bit, then drives me right back to cumming all over again. It's alot, it makes my teeth chatter, it makes me grip the bedsheets and want to kick. I get to a point where I almost shout "STOP!" because I think I can't take another minute.

We found a new position today that was incredible. Doggie style on the bed, but with my hands on the floor. The angle was breath stealing, and he fucked me so deep his cock would rub over all these sensitive areas that would make me squirt and cum, scream and squirt some more. He'd do that, then pull out and present his glistening cock, liberally coated with my cum to my mouth, and he'd wait for me to catch my breath, open my lips, and then he'd push push push to the back of my throat until he'd feel my throat contracting around him. I love the way his cock fits in my mouth, like it was made just for the shape of mine. It's never work to suck his cock, it's one of my greatest pleasures, and as much as he is the Zen Master of eating pussy, I am his Zen Master of sucking cock. I adore it, therefore I excel at it. We have always made the perfectly complementary oral couple.

I wrote him an email last week, some totally nasty thing where I triggered his fetishes and told him as his sub, I'd fulfill his if he'd learn to let go and fulfill mine. I took today as my opportunity to show my good faith and fulfill his ultimate fetish. Though we do keep our wilder kinks private I will share that I've been reading a series of romance books by Lora Leigh about a genetically altered race of men who's DNA has been spliced with animal DNA to create the perfect warriors. Each man has the sexual characteristics of the animal they were spliced with, and Malcolm and I both laughed over the cat men with their barbs. In fact he laughed so hard he wheezed. However, when we got to the coyote men, ummm, that was a different story altogether. The thought of a man having a cock that could swell and knot me while he filled me with cum for the better half of an hour was an idea that made both of us breathe a little heavier. And Malcolm, the Devil that he is, uses that imagery now to make me cum at his will. We laughed about it tonight while we relived the morning again, him saying he wasn't sure he'd ever survive such a thing in real life. Which led us on a discussion of Klingon sex and reverse barbs, LOLOL. Yep, our conversations are amazing fun again.

I know the best feeling in the whole world, besides the orgasms he gives me, is the feeling that we are resonating together again, vibrating in harmony. He told me once he wasn't sure he could ever give me normal, and he didn't want to make me unhappy. I told him at the time that I didn't think I wanted normal if normal didn't include him. And for real, what about either one of us even begins to approach normal? I know that a life with him will always be adventurous, will always be on the edge, and will always be exactly what I need to be happy. I hope I can make his un-normal life as happy as he makes mine.

As for Jachin, well I know he was disappointed that I couldn't stay and play with him today. Today was busy with an interview. I let him know I wasn't running away from him today, and that I'm sure we'll be able to hang out soon. Malcolm wants me to come back real soon. LOL!

Masquerade

This past weekend we hosted our Halloween Spooktacular. I was excited to be there because the week prior had seen a flurry of activity in the way of last minute sign ups. When parties generate a good deal of excitement and interest, it's always a better time. So I finished up our costumes, packed our bags with all of our stuff, and set off to pick up Malcolm so we could head down to the Inn together.

For the Affinity parties, we host at a smaller Inn in beautiful Ogunquit, Maine. Our goal is to rent out all the rooms at the inn so that we don't have to worry about vanillas being scandalized by our party. We came close to selling it out with this one, missing the goal by only a few rooms, like 10. Hopefully as we continue to grow and as more and more people spread the good word about our events, we can snatch up all those rooms no problem. Our events are catered, and we hire a professional DJ to keep the tunes spinning. The Inn is big enough to not cramp us, but still cozy enough to feel intimate, and it's beautiful....lush and rich feeling. It's definitely not a house party, it's quite upscale. We offer something for everyone, really...and for every level of involvement in this lifestyle. Some people just like to feel a little risque and dress naughty, some want to be able to dirty dance and grind. Others might like a little naked hot tub, while some might have plans already made with another couple to hook up privately in their room for the night. And yet others want to get down in the hospitality suites.

This party had lots of new people, and when I say new I mean new to the lifestyle itself, attending. I think this is the most crucial thing for newbies, to have that great first experience. To feel welcome, no matter what your comfort level is, and to not feel pressured. I did my best to find and greet all the couples, and put them at ease, letting them know that we were available for them for whatever questions or concerns they might have. Hosting a party is an entirely different animal from attending one. It's not an entirely fun night as the administrative part of the job is constantly interfering...from dealing with spilled drinks to broken glasses, to payment issues, to questions about the facility itself or dealing with inappropriate behavior. But Malcolm and I make a most excellent team, and while he lets me deal with the management side of the party, he gets to deal with the people side of it. He is the ambassador, he is the one everyone is excited to interact with. He carries such an aura of leashed potential around him, and everyone can feel it. They flock to him for conversation, for laughs, for reassurance. And he watches while I deal. He watches for bad behavior, or potential conflicts....and he makes sure they never happen. It so takes at least 2 to do these. He is my perfect complement when it comes to being a host...we have each other's backs.

I let him collar me this time. Partly because it went with the costume, but partly because after all the conflict we've been through the past few weeks, I wanted him to have the option of being Master again. He readily accepted, and fastened it on me, leash and all. Our couple's costume was Scotsman and his Sheep, and I'd worked really hard hand making all of our costumes. His kilt came out amazing, and he liked it so so much that he's decided to wear it to ALL the parties going forward. LOL, he loved the feeling of being totally free underneath, and I'm sure he enjoyed the attention of all the ladies asking him what he had on UNDER his kilt. His answer? "Find out for yourself" In the words of our beloved DJ, if you don't wear underwear, then it's a kilt. If you wear underwear, it's just a man skirt. LOLOL. My own costume was somewhat more convoluted, but most people got it, in the end. My tail did fall off halfway thru the night, lolol, but the costume did it's job, and was much loved. I was never happier, tho, when I could peel the wig off and let my own mop of curls tumble free and be themselves. My beautiful Kama Sutra lady heartily agreed and helped me tousle them further until they were big and beautiful again. LOL.

People put so much effort into their costumes. I was so impressed by the array of ideas from Lil Red Riding Hood, to Dorothy and Toto, to Sailor Moon, to the Bat Couple, Latex Lady, and the Naughty Nascar driver. We gave away some amazing prizes to best Lady, Best Guy, and Best Couple. Audience Cheering decided the vote, and it got freaking LOUD! So much fun, so many good memories. The Hot Tub action got going after the costume contest, and the viewers on the balcony could attest to the steamy action going on IN the tub. WOW! Malcolm and I had taken a moment to check on the hospitality rooms to make sure everything was in order. And then we took a moment to pleasure each other. Alone, I knelt for him as he fed me his big beautiful cock. I left mahogany colored lipstick rings all around him as I sucked him deeper into my mouth until he began to grow into my throat. It had been so long since I'd tasted him, and it felt so right to have him back on my tongue... to lift that kilt up, dig my nails into his hard ass, and pull him into my mouth so I could throat him. His hand in my hair guiding me to the rhythm he wanted,he finally just pounded into my mouth calling me his slave, telling me all the nasty things he'd planned for the night. I leaned over the couch then and he lifted my dress over my ass, and slowly pushed his big hard cock into my tight creaming cunt. He fucked me nice and slow, but deep, so happy to be back inside me. He did that until he made me come a little bit, then pulled out, tried to smooth out the mountain under his kilt, and we laughed and went back to being hosts.

This weekend meant so much to us. We got a chance to relax with each other, to laugh, to dance, to make love, and to fuck each other silly. And we got a chance to talk...lots and lots. He reiterated that he'd never stopped loving me, and I let him know that I'd certainly never stopped loving him. We agreed that we both needed to chill out, to take each day as it came, and to see where the future took us. The party ended really well, with a bit of an orgy going on in the hospitality suites. Malcolm was the driving force behind it for sure, with his magic tongue making the women scream and cry and beg for him to stop, that they couldn't take any more after their 3rd orgasm. Malcolm told Jachin that he was the Zen Master of eating pussy. I'll concur. There is nobody on the planet better at eating pussy than Malcolm is. He's just that good. I also told Jachin that if he were a woman, I'd totally share Malcolm with him. LOLOL, that issued some words and confusion from Jachin who eventually understood what I was saying. Not that he appreciated the sentiment, mind you.

Malcolm and I headed to our room after the hospitality suites emptied out. It was our time to play with each other. I needed to squirt, and I hadn't been able to do it in front of an audience. So Malcolm laid me down on our bed, ate me out again, and then fucked me with the rhythm he knows makes me squirt all over him again and again. And I did, just like that my master commanded my body, and I complied. I showered him with my squirt until a huge puddle gathered underneath me. He fucked me with everything he had until he unloaded his cum inside me, gave me that part of himself because it belongs to me. We lay together then, him keeping me warm, and we talked, and talked. Then we slept, him holding me to him and I knew I was home again.

Sunday, after we woke up and cleaned up, we took the long ride home so we could talk some more, and just have that much longer to spend with each other. Malcolm calls it our "Afterparty Ride Home". LOL, I had a fantastic weekend, and I'm glad he was with me. We both are looking forward to the Christmas Luau and Gift Swap next month. Till Then!

The Long Road Home

Dealing with being sick has been challenging. I can look at my life and say I honestly never expected, at 38, to be facing this obstacle. I'm a big girl, and many would say it was to be expected, that people carrying extra weight are prone to developing health risks. And yet while my doctor agrees that losing weight is in my best interest, she also acknowledges that it's not a cure, and may not give me a reversal of my current condition. Yet I agree with her, and I have committed to eating a healthier diet, making lifestyle changes that I can live with and maintain. And it's made me look at all of my habits and really reassess what I've been doing for my life so far, and how I can make things better.

I've been coming out of the fog more and more. The emotional instability that poor Malcolm has witnessed over the last month has dissipated just like the mist when the late morning sunshine burns over it. It was challenging for him to see me like that, because it was so out of character for me. I was insecure, I was belligerent, I was crying over everything....even the cat crossing the street made me upset. LOLOL. He'd had it, I could tell, but he never stopped loving me. He never stopped reassuring me that even though I had pushed his last god damned button, he still loved me and that loving me wasn't an issue. LOL, whether or not he'd choke me so I'd stop howling about anything and everything was a different issue altogether, but he was patient....to a point.

I had some time to consider how far this disease has ravaged my body over the past few months while I struggled to cope with symptoms that were killing me, literally. The feeling of bugs crawling over my feet and ankles all the time, the swelling in my feet to the point that my skin is now stained from the blood vessels bursting. The times I'd wake up at night with my heart racing, unable to catch my breath while my heart pumped in a beat that wasn't quite regular. Always feeling sick, every day, feeling bloated and crampy. Being inexplicably tired only a few hours after I'd wake up. So thirsty, so parched and aching for anything liquid. My mind slipping ever deeper into an unexplained depression even though my life was stable, even improving with my recent promotion.

I stand by my declaration that I love my life. I really do, hands down. I have amazing friends, a beautiful smart daughter, family that is nutty, bitchy, and incredibly loving, and a man that believes in me. He told me the other day that he's my biggest fan, that he wants my health, success and happiness. During my fall into the crazy abyss, I questioned him alot, and I hurt us. I almost walked away. But I went shopping with my sister, the General, instead, and she...having met Malcolm, immediately set me to task. LOL, she's a riot when she's on a tear. So the General informed me that Malcolm was too good a man to walk away from. That any man that has passed her rigorous questioning is a keeper, and had I bothered to listen to what he HADN'T said for a minute, and stop thinking of me me me? That surely brought me up short, and I stopped and considered all the things in Malcolm's life that happen to make his world challenging. His job that he despises, his baby mommas, his mother, and his new living situation. His world has changed, done a true 180 degree turnaround on him in only the past few months and I know he struggles to keep it all together. And further reflecting made me think about what Love really is. Real Love, I don't think, would walk away from a relationship that was REAL. It would stop to find out what the deal was, and find a way to make it work, or at least fight for it until all it's possibilities were gone. I told Malcolm that the last year of my life had been the most amazing ever, simply by the fact that he'd been a part of it. He told me he felt the same, that he'd loved it too. So we found our common ground again. I'm still working on fixing all the damage.

The great part of all of this is that our communication has improved 110%. I've become less afraid of dealing with the issues that bother me, of being honest with him, and of accepting his sometimes brutal honesty in return. I know what his life is, and I accept it all...the good, the bad, and the questionable. He's not perfect, nor should he be...perfect is boring. In return he accepts me as well. Though in some respects we are polar opposites, he never disrespects my habits or opinions, although we have had on numerous occasions had to "agree to disagree" on a topic or two. He asked me for my patience and understanding. I think since he's more than given me his, I can reciprocate.

So obviously the spending every night thing with him didn't work out too well. For one, it was ludicrously inconvenient for me. For two, my Jujubear wasn't happy with the thought of it AT ALL. And kids have to come first. It was my decision to bring her into this world, it's my responsibility to make sure she grows to become a happy, well adjusted, non psychotic member of society. Her mommy shouldn't be out every night being a selfish hag. God I wanted to, just for a minute. But Malcolm and I discussed it, and he'd have been disappointed in me as a person to see me being a terrible parent, only conscious of my own selfish needs. I love my babygirl and she needs her mommy.

As to the rest, well this coming weekend we're hosting a large Masquerade Ball in Ogunquit. Malcolm is my preferred co-host, and parties with him are just amazing...for everyone attending. He just has that spark, that ability to kick it up to the next notch. I do love him for sharing of himself to accomplish that. I miss him, my lover and my friend. I need his laughter in my ear, and his biting humor making me cackle. We're both excited about our away time, and can't wait to relax after the party is done. I'll post a post-party story and update I'm sure, and hopefully we'll have some pictures to share this time too.

Falling Again

I can't lie and say the past week or so has been wonderful. In all actuality, it's been incredibly heinous and stressful. Doctor visit after doctor visit, and the results all looking sketchy, and then...the diagnosis. Not even THE diagnosis that I'm waiting for...just another one they found in the meantime. I had alot of tears, rage and frustration as I realized that the quality of my life is forever altered. I have counseling sessions set up to deal with the fall out from this new development, and am on medication for the rest of my life now. It was incredibly discouraging, and learning a whole new way to live has been challenging, to say the least. I sobbed, I denied, but reality set in when I actually began feeling better, little by little over the past few days.

Life with my man has also been a little bit tense these days. OK, A LOT tense. We've argued over our differing opinions on his new living arrangement, and my words fell on seemingly deaf ears. I know he sensed my disassociation growing and my anger and resentment getting larger in it's intensity as I struggled with the whole idea of TRUST. It's all fine and good to trust him, and I do, with every fiber of my being. But I just wanted him to HEAR me and not treat me like a lunatic, like nothing I was saying was grounded in reality. Friday, after another battery of tests and some more crying on my part as I felt everything falling apart around me, he let me know that he'd been listening, and that he absolutely agreed. He acknowledged that my concerns were valid, were thoughtful and insightful, and that I had indeed played the tape through to the end. Malcolm worked really hard all week, even through the disagreements to reinforce how much he loved and respected me, and that he'd always be there to protect me. I couldn't appreciate it until Saturday......

Saturday I "woke up" out of the fog I've been living in for the past 3 months. Apparently the medication had started to kick in, and I truly felt the most profound sense of clarity, emotional stability, and motivation. I hadn't felt like that in...I dunno how long. It was like a blessed moment that lasted a day. Malcolm had to be out of town this weekend, working to make things happen for his mom, and being an amazing dad as always. He also took the opportunity to call me so we could talk relaxed and happy, no jobs, no appointments rushing us off the phone. We talked about the situation in his home, and he again reiterated that he believed me, and could see where it all was heading. It was all I needed, to be validated by the man that loves me. I fell in love with him all over again because in the end, he is such and amazing man. We fight, like any normal couple, but we never let the fights negate what we feel for each other. It's a real relationship based on respect for each other. I don't need to control or own him because that's petty, juvenile, and retarded. It's so much more meaningful that he's with me by the simple virtue of WANTING to be with me. Likewise, he knows I stay because it's where I want to be.

My niece recently moved closer to me and has provided me with a most amazing opportunity. She has promised to look after my daughter so that I can spend nights with the man I love. When Malcolm heard about this he was excited that we could finally have a way to be together for the time we so desperately crave together. We decided to take her up on it and spend most every night over the next 4 weeks together and see how it goes. We may not live together, but we have both decided that, now that I have a nighttime sitter, that there isn't a reason in the world we can't be together every chance we get. No more excuses, I can't wait to spend my nights with the man I love.

Nerves

I started not feeling well sometime during mid-August. Sometimes my digestion is a little sluggish, so I figured it for a case of nerves over the Cruise, at the time, and vowed to let it run it's course and start eating more fiber. August stretched into September, and I started to wonder WTF was happening that I was having issues every day. I joked with Malcolm that he'd broken me somehow, and he chuckled that for all the times and ways he's flailed on me he could just well imagine that he did. Another couple weeks of the same old went by and I started to be concerned. Maybe our anal play WAS too rough. Or maybe we'd both managed to catch Giardia, except HE wasn't sick, and it was preposterous that I'd ever be able to infect myself. So I casually asked Malcolm if he'd been feeling alright. He said yes and immediately demanded to know what was wrong. I let him know the situation and he was pissed that I hadn't been to see a doctor yet. And even after the snapping and scolding I got from him, I didn't make an appointment.

The stress of the past two weeks has really brought this issue to the forefront. The more stressed I've gotten, the more sick I've felt. After the talk I had with both Jachin and Malcolm over the past weekend, I've tried to ramp down my stress, and while my stress HAS been less, especially today listening to Malcolm's stories about his encounters which make me laugh so much, I still feel bad. So I took a leap and called the Doctor, determined to take care of my health because the man who loves me wants me around, and my daughter deserves a mother that isn't feeling sick 24/7. After asking for my symptoms over the phone, my beloved PCP wants to start testing tomorrow for Celiac Disease. I told Jachin about the plan, and I heard his dismay "What's THAT???" LOL, I think he was just worried he caught it from me while we lived together last week. MWAHHAHAHAHA. Serves him right, a little worry will do him a world of good. My daughter has been so supportive, and Malcolm is relieved I've finally done the sane thing and sought out treatment options. Of course there isn't a cure, but if it does turn out to be my diagnosis, then I'll be making a whole lifestyle change to make myself more comfortable. So I went out shopping tonight, and gave myself a little retail therapy to take my mind off it. The worst part will be discussing everything with my PCP and including our sex life for scrutiny. That's never a pretty thing. Hopefully her gut feeling is right, because the other options really really suck. Well, and the test for Celiac doesn't include drinking nasty stuff to cleanse yourself for a scope, and that's always a plus. LOL. So here's to my case of nerves. I'm hoping for the best!

The Definition of TRUST

TRUST: –noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

It's a hard thing, trust. It's hard to gain, hard to maintain, and virtually impossible to get back after someone has shattered it. I find myself struggling with trust, and doubting that people can be trusted, beginning to expect people to let me down instead of trusting that they will fulfill their promises. Malcolm has never overtly demanded my trust, even from the beginning when he found me, a wounded thing trying to make sense of my world all over again after what seemed real was really mostly illusion. I suppose as people it's our nature to trust that what we think is the same as what is real, yet that is probably the biggest illusion of all. What we think we know is not the same as what IS. And so, when I found out that what I knew about my then life and my then relationship didn't match what was, I floundered and lost trust in many things.
Jachin moving in with Malcolm has brought up some issues for me that I suppose I never really resolved in the first place. In the beginning, Malcolm didn't expect my trust, he worked really hard to earn it and to show me that not everything or everyone would lie and cheat. He would mean what he said, and say what he meant, and he would always be there if he said he would. He knew, as he held me shivering in his palm, that what I needed was surety and consistency more than anything else. His love was always there, but he knew that what I needed most wasn't a blatant show of affection. I needed him to be real with me, and he didn't fail me. Yet here we are a year later, and I realize, as I argue with Jachin over his crazy womens that what my problem really is isn't jealously, isn't anger or consternation. It's fear. I'm afraid of the conflict that these women bring with them wherever they go, and I'm afraid that my safe haven in Malcolm's home won't be so safe for me anymore.

Malcolm and I talked extensively today about Jachin and his lack of foresight. Malcolm has this incredible analogy about "Playing the movie out till you reach the end". His mantra is that when you are looking at a situation that you covet, be it a drunken stupor, a crack high, or a sick relationship with women that are not what you really want, that instead of just playing the portion of the tape that you like....you gotta look at the WHOLE THING, beginning, favorite part, AND THE END RESULTS. And what are the results? Well, if you're drinking, the results are that you wind up an alcoholic, missing work, sick, and dying of cirrhosis. If you smoke crack, the high you're dying for only leads you in search of the next one, the one after that and so on until you've smoked your life savings away and are stealing and prostituting yourself so that you can possibly get to that next high. And the relationship one? Well, you end up fighting and bickering endlessly about issues that can't be resolved because neither party is willing to admit fault or take responsibility, then inevitably getting kicked out and being homeless while hoping for a friend to offer you a place to stay. Play the tape to the end.

When Malcolm and I presented the offer to Jachin we were explicit about his not letting his psycho bitches know where he was, and definitely not bringing them around to cause Drama. He readily agreed, at the time vowing that he wanted no more contact or dialog with any of them. He was done, he was making a fresh start. But now two days into it, and both Malcolm and I have watched him go back on that word, not because he's malicious. Simply because it's a compulsion within him. I told Jachin in no uncertain terms that if ANY of his crazy heifers caused ME any drama, I wouldn't hesitate to slap a restraining order on them and see how they deal with it. I know he was mad at me for saying it. Oh well. But as I discussed it with Malcolm, he had the nerve to chuckle about it, because he rather enjoys watching the stories play out in front of him, the impartial observer. It got me to thinking about what I'm really afraid of in the first place.

I know in my head and my heart that Malcolm isn't going anywhere. And this is where that whole trust thing comes in. I think he honestly waited for me to say it today. To tell him that I trusted him to keep me safe, to keep my safe haven my haven, and to trust that he's never going to let anyone act up in my presence, or even in his presence for that matter. And when I let go of the moment and just breathe, I find that I really do trust him to be my sanctuary. Some of our final words today were him telling me how much fun we are going to have watching these women scamper and try their tricks and their ridiculous posturing. When I think of it that way, I do laugh, and almost WANT them to come around so that I can watch him playing with them. He is so much like the lion that has the mouse by the tail and is just interested in watching it scurry and panic for a bit. Malcolm can be a cruel hard man by nature, and by necessity. But I'm done fretting about things that, in the end I have no control over... and I'm done being afraid of the what ifs. I chose today to renew my trust in the man I love and walk with him as his lady, which is my place. Likewise, I'll have to have a talk with Jachin letting him know that I'm no longer wanting to hear all about the evils being done to him by his girls. I allow the drama to surround me by entertaining his stories. I don't want to think about any of his psychos anymore, I'm moving on. I value Jachin as a friend, but we will have to find some new common ground to talk about, something that doesn't involve his escapades with whoever. That's his life, and those are his choices. They have nothing to do with me whatsoever. AND, as I've discussed with Malcolm today, I'm not responsible for Jachin's choices, nor can I control what he does. It's all between him and Malcolm now, and THANK GOODNESS. The only person I need to worry about is Malcolm, and he and I are good...very very good. I trust him implicitly to have my back.