I can't lie and say the past week or so has been wonderful. In all actuality, it's been incredibly heinous and stressful. Doctor visit after doctor visit, and the results all looking sketchy, and then...the diagnosis. Not even THE diagnosis that I'm waiting for...just another one they found in the meantime. I had alot of tears, rage and frustration as I realized that the quality of my life is forever altered. I have counseling sessions set up to deal with the fall out from this new development, and am on medication for the rest of my life now. It was incredibly discouraging, and learning a whole new way to live has been challenging, to say the least. I sobbed, I denied, but reality set in when I actually began feeling better, little by little over the past few days.
Life with my man has also been a little bit tense these days. OK, A LOT tense. We've argued over our differing opinions on his new living arrangement, and my words fell on seemingly deaf ears. I know he sensed my disassociation growing and my anger and resentment getting larger in it's intensity as I struggled with the whole idea of TRUST. It's all fine and good to trust him, and I do, with every fiber of my being. But I just wanted him to HEAR me and not treat me like a lunatic, like nothing I was saying was grounded in reality. Friday, after another battery of tests and some more crying on my part as I felt everything falling apart around me, he let me know that he'd been listening, and that he absolutely agreed. He acknowledged that my concerns were valid, were thoughtful and insightful, and that I had indeed played the tape through to the end. Malcolm worked really hard all week, even through the disagreements to reinforce how much he loved and respected me, and that he'd always be there to protect me. I couldn't appreciate it until Saturday......
Saturday I "woke up" out of the fog I've been living in for the past 3 months. Apparently the medication had started to kick in, and I truly felt the most profound sense of clarity, emotional stability, and motivation. I hadn't felt like that in...I dunno how long. It was like a blessed moment that lasted a day. Malcolm had to be out of town this weekend, working to make things happen for his mom, and being an amazing dad as always. He also took the opportunity to call me so we could talk relaxed and happy, no jobs, no appointments rushing us off the phone. We talked about the situation in his home, and he again reiterated that he believed me, and could see where it all was heading. It was all I needed, to be validated by the man that loves me. I fell in love with him all over again because in the end, he is such and amazing man. We fight, like any normal couple, but we never let the fights negate what we feel for each other. It's a real relationship based on respect for each other. I don't need to control or own him because that's petty, juvenile, and retarded. It's so much more meaningful that he's with me by the simple virtue of WANTING to be with me. Likewise, he knows I stay because it's where I want to be.
My niece recently moved closer to me and has provided me with a most amazing opportunity. She has promised to look after my daughter so that I can spend nights with the man I love. When Malcolm heard about this he was excited that we could finally have a way to be together for the time we so desperately crave together. We decided to take her up on it and spend most every night over the next 4 weeks together and see how it goes. We may not live together, but we have both decided that, now that I have a nighttime sitter, that there isn't a reason in the world we can't be together every chance we get. No more excuses, I can't wait to spend my nights with the man I love.
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