Saturday, November 21, 2009

Writing It All Down

I love to write. I need to do it, to express the images and thoughts and feelings that flow through my brain about the people that affect me on some level, good or bad. I write about Malcolm and our relationship, our sex life, our party business. I write about Jachin and our friendship, our past, the comedy that he always inspires. I try NOT to write about my stalker because in the end it only feeds her ego. I even try not to write about Jachin too much because it makes her act out, either with rage towards me or towards Jachin, that he should dare to keep me as a friend.

Malcolm encourages me to not write about her, telling me that it only continues to fuel her. He wants to me move on from it because, in his words, "You've already won the war. You can't win more than you have." He brings up how when you have a fist fight with someone and you totally trump them, they continually want a rematch to prove they aren't as much as a pussy as you've shown them to be. But, he maintains, a rematch is a moot point when you've won. I'm not trying to win again or win more. I'm simply living my life and writing it down as I go because it's what I do. So what do you do when you have someone that won't leave you alone? Someone that is jealous beyond reason, and covets everything that you have? Someone who's sole ambition is to try and throw a wrench into the gears? I do try to ignore her, for the most part. It usually works, except when she attacks Jachin over something I've written.

I have this internal dialog I run now, and it's called WWMS (What Would Malcolm Say). So while Jachin starts with the why do you have to write shit speach, I am listing to the wit and wisdom of Malcolm running thru my head and whispering into my ear. What Would Malcolm Say if one of the women in HIS life had a conniption every time she read a blog? Well, he would tell her that he didn't want to hear it, and if she had such a problem with what she was reading, then it was up to her to stop reading it. Malcolm's advice to Jachin would be to SHUT IT DOWN. Put the hand up and just say ENOUGH. Malcolm has told me he considers her antics juvenile, and wants me to hold myself above it. I agree. But I don't want to have to stop doing what I love either. So I strive to make my posts about different things that are going on in my life. In the past I have written things to poke the bear, so to speak. But I left that behind when I began this new endeavor. It hasn't made a difference in her behavior one iota.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of continuing to be true to my blog, and still living my life openly and honestly, or of censoring what I write to keep a psycho at bay and spare Jachin from having to deal with shrieking fights and arguments. I told Jachin once that I only write about things as they affect ME. If it doesn't impact my life, then it isn't something I'm interested in writing about. There are many things I choose not to write about because they are personal and special, either to me, to Malcolm, or yes...even to Jachin. But for the fun, interesting things, I want to write that. As I told Jachin tonight, the reality is that our lives are irrevocably intertwined and we do affect each other. Until that changes, he remains fair game as a topic. I don't slander him, I don't post anything about him I wouldn't say right to his face, and most time I've already said it or discussed it with him. So our consensus was to just continue on and know that not everyone will always enjoy or agree with what I decide to write about, and at that point it is their prerogative to stop reading this blog. Christ, if only.

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