The Definition of TRUST

TRUST: –noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

It's a hard thing, trust. It's hard to gain, hard to maintain, and virtually impossible to get back after someone has shattered it. I find myself struggling with trust, and doubting that people can be trusted, beginning to expect people to let me down instead of trusting that they will fulfill their promises. Malcolm has never overtly demanded my trust, even from the beginning when he found me, a wounded thing trying to make sense of my world all over again after what seemed real was really mostly illusion. I suppose as people it's our nature to trust that what we think is the same as what is real, yet that is probably the biggest illusion of all. What we think we know is not the same as what IS. And so, when I found out that what I knew about my then life and my then relationship didn't match what was, I floundered and lost trust in many things.
Jachin moving in with Malcolm has brought up some issues for me that I suppose I never really resolved in the first place. In the beginning, Malcolm didn't expect my trust, he worked really hard to earn it and to show me that not everything or everyone would lie and cheat. He would mean what he said, and say what he meant, and he would always be there if he said he would. He knew, as he held me shivering in his palm, that what I needed was surety and consistency more than anything else. His love was always there, but he knew that what I needed most wasn't a blatant show of affection. I needed him to be real with me, and he didn't fail me. Yet here we are a year later, and I realize, as I argue with Jachin over his crazy womens that what my problem really is isn't jealously, isn't anger or consternation. It's fear. I'm afraid of the conflict that these women bring with them wherever they go, and I'm afraid that my safe haven in Malcolm's home won't be so safe for me anymore.

Malcolm and I talked extensively today about Jachin and his lack of foresight. Malcolm has this incredible analogy about "Playing the movie out till you reach the end". His mantra is that when you are looking at a situation that you covet, be it a drunken stupor, a crack high, or a sick relationship with women that are not what you really want, that instead of just playing the portion of the tape that you like....you gotta look at the WHOLE THING, beginning, favorite part, AND THE END RESULTS. And what are the results? Well, if you're drinking, the results are that you wind up an alcoholic, missing work, sick, and dying of cirrhosis. If you smoke crack, the high you're dying for only leads you in search of the next one, the one after that and so on until you've smoked your life savings away and are stealing and prostituting yourself so that you can possibly get to that next high. And the relationship one? Well, you end up fighting and bickering endlessly about issues that can't be resolved because neither party is willing to admit fault or take responsibility, then inevitably getting kicked out and being homeless while hoping for a friend to offer you a place to stay. Play the tape to the end.

When Malcolm and I presented the offer to Jachin we were explicit about his not letting his psycho bitches know where he was, and definitely not bringing them around to cause Drama. He readily agreed, at the time vowing that he wanted no more contact or dialog with any of them. He was done, he was making a fresh start. But now two days into it, and both Malcolm and I have watched him go back on that word, not because he's malicious. Simply because it's a compulsion within him. I told Jachin in no uncertain terms that if ANY of his crazy heifers caused ME any drama, I wouldn't hesitate to slap a restraining order on them and see how they deal with it. I know he was mad at me for saying it. Oh well. But as I discussed it with Malcolm, he had the nerve to chuckle about it, because he rather enjoys watching the stories play out in front of him, the impartial observer. It got me to thinking about what I'm really afraid of in the first place.

I know in my head and my heart that Malcolm isn't going anywhere. And this is where that whole trust thing comes in. I think he honestly waited for me to say it today. To tell him that I trusted him to keep me safe, to keep my safe haven my haven, and to trust that he's never going to let anyone act up in my presence, or even in his presence for that matter. And when I let go of the moment and just breathe, I find that I really do trust him to be my sanctuary. Some of our final words today were him telling me how much fun we are going to have watching these women scamper and try their tricks and their ridiculous posturing. When I think of it that way, I do laugh, and almost WANT them to come around so that I can watch him playing with them. He is so much like the lion that has the mouse by the tail and is just interested in watching it scurry and panic for a bit. Malcolm can be a cruel hard man by nature, and by necessity. But I'm done fretting about things that, in the end I have no control over... and I'm done being afraid of the what ifs. I chose today to renew my trust in the man I love and walk with him as his lady, which is my place. Likewise, I'll have to have a talk with Jachin letting him know that I'm no longer wanting to hear all about the evils being done to him by his girls. I allow the drama to surround me by entertaining his stories. I don't want to think about any of his psychos anymore, I'm moving on. I value Jachin as a friend, but we will have to find some new common ground to talk about, something that doesn't involve his escapades with whoever. That's his life, and those are his choices. They have nothing to do with me whatsoever. AND, as I've discussed with Malcolm today, I'm not responsible for Jachin's choices, nor can I control what he does. It's all between him and Malcolm now, and THANK GOODNESS. The only person I need to worry about is Malcolm, and he and I are good...very very good. I trust him implicitly to have my back.