This week saw alot of conflict in it for Malcolm and I. Malcolm was going through something, some weird space, some jealousy that even he found confounding. We tried to talk about it, tried to put it to bed. But the next day it would rear it's ugly head again like a poison serpent.
Open relationships are hard. Invariably, one person or another gets those feelings of unfairness, and then things either collapse or become stronger. I suppose it depends on the depth of commitment each partner has to the other, and what each is willing to do for the other to make ammends. This isn't the first snit that Malcolm has had, and the truth of his nature is that he is a jealous man. He wants to know, in the end, that what belongs to him BELONGS TO HIM. When it becomes odd for him is when he starts feeling neglected or put aside. How could I ever want to make him feel like that? I can't express how sad I become, how despondent, to know that I've somehow acted callous enough to make him sad, or angry, or even just ambivalent. But I do have his honestly, and as I said to him....I may not always WANT to hear it, but I NEED to, and I never want him to lie about his feelings to me.
So where does the weird space come from?? Well, it's all about how much time I spend with Jachin. And I admit, it's a lot. The reality of Jachin and my relationship together, these days, is that he is someone I love hanging with. We shop, we go to lunch, we chat, we bust on each other, we play Wii, we talk about girls and sex, and Malcolm. And Malcolm, from his perspective, can't give me all that simply because he actually works while right now Jachin and I don't. I'd always thought that Malcolm would feel relief that I didn't lean on him for those things, that I was mostly independent, and didn't require his constant attention like some of the other women in his life. I see the toll it takes on him, the wear and tear, and I really try so hard not to add to the stress in his life. It never occurred to me that he'd WANT to do those things, and even if he couldn't, he'd want me to want him to. Malcolm had also talked about teaching Jachin some more skills. I told him I'd teach him the Venus Butterfly, and Malcolm became vehement about my NOT teaching it to him. ??? My question was, why would it matter? In what circles do those two run where they'd each encounter the same woman who'd compare them? And Malcolm said, most seriously....."Well, there's at least one woman, isn't there?" I couldn't help myself, I busted out laughing. Of any woman alive, I know how little Jachin likes eating pussy. He'll do it to make an impression (a first one), or to get back in someone's good graces. He'll do it if everyone else is going down on the girl, so he doesn't look like an ass. But if I am certain about one thing in this world, it's that Jachin will never go down on me again. And the reason for this is because he's seen Malcolm go down on me, and he will never EVER try to compete. He's said so, point blank.
It seems so absurd that Malcolm should worry about his place in my life. He is so firmly embedded in my heart and mind, that I'm always thinking of him. I suppose the difficulty of two Capricorns being together is that we are both so very cerebral, and sometimes what we are thinking is completely hidden from others. Oh, and did I mention that we're both stubborn? As hell?
I took Friday to make amends with Malcolm. We had ridiculously good sex, and he apologized over and over for his issue. I told him to do what he had to do to make me his because I just didn't want to go thru this again with him. So he did. He Mastered, he loved, he pushed, he demanded, and he made me cum for him over and over again. And I made HIM cum over and over. I cannot deny that I had my total game on and totally fucked the bejeezus out of that man. I think that maybe sometimes I go on about his skills and make myself seem like such a passive partner, but no. I assure you that I'm just as capable of blowing his mind, and doing it more than once. LOL, it delights me to please him. It delights me when I can get even a half of an inch more of him down into my throat and hear him whimper with how good it feels. It delights me to use the control I have over my pussy to pulse over him, to clench him, and swell all that tissue up on his cock until he feels like he's going to blow. To use words that provoke him, to push him into his zone, to release all that anger and pain. To curl over and around him, and enfold him inside me, to twist my body around his so that he's locked inside, even from the back. To have sex with another person can be the ultimate expression of the love you have for them. I give him that whenever we do this, and he never doubts my sincerity. I asked him if he even knew, by a fraction, how in love I was with him? He said he might have an inkling. Thank God.
After talking things through again, he doesn't want anything to change in our lives. He wants me to keep hanging with Jachin. He wants me to actually pick up my sex life with him MORE, so that I have more stories to share with him. Me? I dunno...I'm not going to actively try to make more out of Jachin's and my sex life. I really just like the easy friendship we have right now, without necessarily wanting more. But I'll make up a story for Malcolm in a heartbeat if he wants me to. LOL
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