The Addict

Loving someone is hard. There are ups and downs, and all arounds, and there are those things that you work through, and then there are those lines in the sand. For six years, I was in a love relationship with Jachin. I loved him through all his addictions. His addiction to alcohol, to drugs, to sex, to anything, really that he could become addicted to...even at times to me. Jachin is an addictive personality. He's addicted to technology, addicted to substances sometimes, and yes, addicted to the high of the chase, and the endorphin release of orgasm.

There were a lot of things I overlooked in those six years. I overlooked a bevy of women, because I knew he was still coming home to me. I knew he had a voracious appetite for variety, and yes, for getting his dick sucked. Jachin will go a long ways for a good blow job, and it became a running joke that he was on a quest to find someone that could give head as good as I could. I overlooked his drinking stints, concentrating more on helping him find the reasons he did it, trying to get him to admit more than "Cuz I'm grown, and I can!". We talked a lot, Jachin and I, over those six years. We talked about his horrendous childhood, about his Navy days, about his shore life, and of course, about his marriage. We talked about his kids, and about his ambivalence towards fatherhood. But I took his words and measured it against his actions...always. And I saw a better picture of the man he was, and why.

I still love Jachin, will always love him. The best part of my relationship with Malcolm is that Malcolm understands, and would never give me an ultimatum about picking and choosing my feelings. Malcolm quite likes Jachin too, and has had lots of deep talks with him about any number of subjects. They've become better friends than I could have ever hoped, although who's influence is rubbing off on whom, I have no idea. But with all the love I had for Jachin, the one line in the sand with him has always been his worst addiction, the one that drove us apart, and has caused every piece of strife and hardship in his life since he discovered it.

How do you help someone overcome an addiction? What if that addiction is alive? If it walks, talks, and breathes? What if that addiction, like Satan, can text him and taunt him, and every day, without fail get under his skin. He goes weeks being able to ignore her, being strong and understanding that she is the poison that infects his life. But inevitably, she reels him in, and when he is in the throws of his addiction he forgets everything but his wants. Like a heroin addict, he forgets all the awful shit that happened to make him want to quit, and all he can think of is his next hit, his next piece.

I asked him the questions tonight, as he was miserable on the phone tonight, so unhappy. Unhappy, in his own words, without her or with her. He feels sick, distraught. I think it's time for meds, and Jachin isn't arguing with me, which is scary in itself. The questions are those things designed to make him remember why he quit, why he was trying to rehab himself. "Why are you living as Malcolm's roommate, Jachin? Was it your choice?" "Why did you tell your brother to bitch slap you if you started slipping again, Jachin? Do you remember the awful, hateful things she said about your wife, Jachin? Tell me when it has ever worked out in your favor, Jachin, when have things ever gone so wonderfully right that you would jeopardize your security and friendship with Malcolm?" "Why did Malcolm ban her from the house Jachin? Was it a series of events that your addiction set into motion? Do you remember his very very valid reasons, Jachin?"

He's torn right now, wanting his addiction and wanting to hold strong. Malcolm and I are hosting a party this Saturday to which we were encouraging him to attend. After much thought and discussion, Malcolm and I told Jachin that he could bring his addiction to the party. We arrived at this conclusion because we know how she rolls, and though we would have spent the party ignoring her, like we did last time, Jachin, who at first wanted to bring her, quickly became adamant about not attending with her. On the surface he said he doesn't want to see her used and abused. Who would have been doing that? I wouldn't have paid her the time of day, and certainly Malcolm wouldn't have given two shits, unless she started acting like an imbecile. So that leaves the fact that Jachin didn't want to see her enjoying herself with any of the other black men attending the party, especially since he knew that we are heavy on single, beautiful black men. In his heart, he either can't stand to let her have the BBC she wants, or he knows she can't manage to act right at a real party. God only knows what the real story is. So I honored his request and took him off the party list.

He'll be angry, tomorrow, because his addiction will be shrieking at him over this blog. His addiction is still my psycho stalker bitch, visiting this site anywhere from 4 to 25 times a day, always looking to see what I'm doing. Consequences be damned, however, I care too much about that man to see him taken down, AGAIN. Watching him fall, and get up over and over again is just so painful for all of us that actually care for him, and want him to be better. Malcolm wants me to take a hard edge approach with him, but I just can't do it. I just wish I knew a better way. I told him I loved him this afternoon, as we chatted, and he was so sad. He wanted to know why, why did I still love him after everything? So I gave him the only answer I had, the one he'd taught me...

Because I'm grown, and I can.

Please be well Jachin, I love you.