This week saw alot of conflict in it for Malcolm and I. Malcolm was going through something, some weird space, some jealousy that even he found confounding. We tried to talk about it, tried to put it to bed. But the next day it would rear it's ugly head again like a poison serpent.
Open relationships are hard. Invariably, one person or another gets those feelings of unfairness, and then things either collapse or become stronger. I suppose it depends on the depth of commitment each partner has to the other, and what each is willing to do for the other to make ammends. This isn't the first snit that Malcolm has had, and the truth of his nature is that he is a jealous man. He wants to know, in the end, that what belongs to him BELONGS TO HIM. When it becomes odd for him is when he starts feeling neglected or put aside. How could I ever want to make him feel like that? I can't express how sad I become, how despondent, to know that I've somehow acted callous enough to make him sad, or angry, or even just ambivalent. But I do have his honestly, and as I said to him....I may not always WANT to hear it, but I NEED to, and I never want him to lie about his feelings to me.
So where does the weird space come from?? Well, it's all about how much time I spend with Jachin. And I admit, it's a lot. The reality of Jachin and my relationship together, these days, is that he is someone I love hanging with. We shop, we go to lunch, we chat, we bust on each other, we play Wii, we talk about girls and sex, and Malcolm. And Malcolm, from his perspective, can't give me all that simply because he actually works while right now Jachin and I don't. I'd always thought that Malcolm would feel relief that I didn't lean on him for those things, that I was mostly independent, and didn't require his constant attention like some of the other women in his life. I see the toll it takes on him, the wear and tear, and I really try so hard not to add to the stress in his life. It never occurred to me that he'd WANT to do those things, and even if he couldn't, he'd want me to want him to. Malcolm had also talked about teaching Jachin some more skills. I told him I'd teach him the Venus Butterfly, and Malcolm became vehement about my NOT teaching it to him. ??? My question was, why would it matter? In what circles do those two run where they'd each encounter the same woman who'd compare them? And Malcolm said, most seriously....."Well, there's at least one woman, isn't there?" I couldn't help myself, I busted out laughing. Of any woman alive, I know how little Jachin likes eating pussy. He'll do it to make an impression (a first one), or to get back in someone's good graces. He'll do it if everyone else is going down on the girl, so he doesn't look like an ass. But if I am certain about one thing in this world, it's that Jachin will never go down on me again. And the reason for this is because he's seen Malcolm go down on me, and he will never EVER try to compete. He's said so, point blank.
It seems so absurd that Malcolm should worry about his place in my life. He is so firmly embedded in my heart and mind, that I'm always thinking of him. I suppose the difficulty of two Capricorns being together is that we are both so very cerebral, and sometimes what we are thinking is completely hidden from others. Oh, and did I mention that we're both stubborn? As hell?
I took Friday to make amends with Malcolm. We had ridiculously good sex, and he apologized over and over for his issue. I told him to do what he had to do to make me his because I just didn't want to go thru this again with him. So he did. He Mastered, he loved, he pushed, he demanded, and he made me cum for him over and over again. And I made HIM cum over and over. I cannot deny that I had my total game on and totally fucked the bejeezus out of that man. I think that maybe sometimes I go on about his skills and make myself seem like such a passive partner, but no. I assure you that I'm just as capable of blowing his mind, and doing it more than once. LOL, it delights me to please him. It delights me when I can get even a half of an inch more of him down into my throat and hear him whimper with how good it feels. It delights me to use the control I have over my pussy to pulse over him, to clench him, and swell all that tissue up on his cock until he feels like he's going to blow. To use words that provoke him, to push him into his zone, to release all that anger and pain. To curl over and around him, and enfold him inside me, to twist my body around his so that he's locked inside, even from the back. To have sex with another person can be the ultimate expression of the love you have for them. I give him that whenever we do this, and he never doubts my sincerity. I asked him if he even knew, by a fraction, how in love I was with him? He said he might have an inkling. Thank God.
After talking things through again, he doesn't want anything to change in our lives. He wants me to keep hanging with Jachin. He wants me to actually pick up my sex life with him MORE, so that I have more stories to share with him. Me? I dunno...I'm not going to actively try to make more out of Jachin's and my sex life. I really just like the easy friendship we have right now, without necessarily wanting more. But I'll make up a story for Malcolm in a heartbeat if he wants me to. LOL
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Blackmail
Sometimes people just go to far in their insanity and their obsessions. Sometimes people don't know when to stop their temper tantrums and call it a night. Sometimes people don't know when to let go and just move on instead of trying to fuck with every body all the damn time.
Malcolm and I have a would-be blackmailer. Medusa, the Psycho Stalker Bitch is attempting to torture Jachin by saying she will "ruin" Malcolm and I, knowing full well that Jachin loves us both and doesn't want to see that happen. So we all three of us conferenced tonight about the issue, and made a decision. You can't blackmail someone by threatening to reveal information if that information is already out there. So we made the decision to go public about an issue we faced in late January. Here's our story....
Jachin and I, as I've already said, were in a love relationship for 6 years. When we broke up, I raged at him, and ran to get STD tested because he had been cheating on me with Medusa, and having bareback sex with the both of us. All my results came back 100% clean, and I calmed down and realized that he may just have been lucky, but he had kept me clean and safe for 6 years. Jachin and I continued our sexual relationship, even after we broke up. It wasn't always frequent, but it was there, and it was always bareback. We had Malcolm's knowledge and support, albeit grudgingly at first, and later, more enthusiastic. Malcolm and Jachin are the only two men I share bareback sex with, with both their full knowledge and consent, and we all three of us share a wonderful sex life. My sex life with Jachin picked up immensely when he moved in with Malcolm because he also shares my car, and of course, while I had hurt my foot, he was living with me. So we were boinking like crazy rabbits for awhile. Jachin also attended New Year's Eve with me.
Sometime in December, Jachin became infected with an STD named Trichomoniasis (www.trichomoniasis.com) He learned he had it from Medusa, who told him a couple days after New years. He had by then passed it to me, and I unknowingly passed it to Malcolm. What a giant pain in the ass. What was the source of the infection? Jachin had a bunch of new partners he'd been experimenting with, but he took care to cover up with them. He has one partner that he's been seeing for 15 years, which means all thru the time he was also seeing me. I've met her, and she might be alot of things, but she definitely isn't the source of the infection. There are basically 2 people it could have been. We'll leave it at that.
If you clicked the link, you'll see that Trich is the most common and most easily cured STD. I was diagnosed, took my 4 pills, and it was over. Same with Jachin, same with Malcolm. We all three took the opportunity to screen for the rest of the STD's since it was a New Year, and it had been longer than 6 months for Malcolm and I. Jachin had just been tested at the beginning of December because of his worries over his ex's infidelities and lies. The paperwork from that round of testing shows him being clean. I saw it. The good news for Malcolm and I is that we also both came out clean on everything else: and we advocate regular STD testing for everyone in the lifestyle. We were tested for Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, AIDS, Herpes, and I'm sure some more that I can't think of the name. All Clean.
So that could have been the end of it. A stupid mishap, Jachin trusting someone he shouldn't have. He learned a valuable lesson and is meticulous about wrapping up now. Even he and I have stopped having bareback sex, it was really a disturbing incident for both of us. Neither Malcolm nor I are angry with him, we understood the risk, and we love him. But safety comes first. However that's NOT the end of it. Medusa, the Psycho Stalker Bitch, Satan, the Addiction...whatever name I've given her, they are all so appropriate. She lost her mind with jealousy that Jachin attended our party this weekend and has decided that she wants to "ruin" us. She has texted, in the past, to Jachin that someday she'll "get even" with me and that "I have it coming". So she texted to Jachin that she was going to post in some of our area groups that Malcolm and I have or had an STD. What more she was going to say I have no idea. She hates the fact that she'll never be allowed at our parties because she is certifiably crazy, really and truly insane. So here it is, for everyone to hear before she gets a chance to do her deed....
Yes we had an STD. It was called TRICH. We are cured. We are now clean of all STD's. Since we always play safe at parties, we never ever put any of our members at risk, in fact by the time the party came around we had both been treated. I've emailed all the area group owners telling them this exact story. I let them know she may try to post about it. Better that they hear it from me first, than hear me trying to clean up a raving lunatic's vomit. I can't guarantee that when they read that email that they won't ban her from their group. No group owner wants someone that could cause that much trouble for no other reason than spite and jealousy as a member. I can't tell them what to do, but I do have a longstanding relationship with most if not all of the group owners in Maine, NH, and Massachusetts, and they know me and they know I am honest to a fault, and that I wouldn't bullshit them about this. ~Trusted and Loved~ for a reason.
I refuse to be fucking blackmailed. I refuse to allow someone I love to be tortured and emotionally blackmailed on my behalf. I DAMN well won't allow someone to spew lies about me or the people I love. So Medusa, PSycho, Addiction, or your new name...Infection....your acid is old news.
Malcolm and I have a would-be blackmailer. Medusa, the Psycho Stalker Bitch is attempting to torture Jachin by saying she will "ruin" Malcolm and I, knowing full well that Jachin loves us both and doesn't want to see that happen. So we all three of us conferenced tonight about the issue, and made a decision. You can't blackmail someone by threatening to reveal information if that information is already out there. So we made the decision to go public about an issue we faced in late January. Here's our story....
Jachin and I, as I've already said, were in a love relationship for 6 years. When we broke up, I raged at him, and ran to get STD tested because he had been cheating on me with Medusa, and having bareback sex with the both of us. All my results came back 100% clean, and I calmed down and realized that he may just have been lucky, but he had kept me clean and safe for 6 years. Jachin and I continued our sexual relationship, even after we broke up. It wasn't always frequent, but it was there, and it was always bareback. We had Malcolm's knowledge and support, albeit grudgingly at first, and later, more enthusiastic. Malcolm and Jachin are the only two men I share bareback sex with, with both their full knowledge and consent, and we all three of us share a wonderful sex life. My sex life with Jachin picked up immensely when he moved in with Malcolm because he also shares my car, and of course, while I had hurt my foot, he was living with me. So we were boinking like crazy rabbits for awhile. Jachin also attended New Year's Eve with me.
Sometime in December, Jachin became infected with an STD named Trichomoniasis (www.trichomoniasis.com) He learned he had it from Medusa, who told him a couple days after New years. He had by then passed it to me, and I unknowingly passed it to Malcolm. What a giant pain in the ass. What was the source of the infection? Jachin had a bunch of new partners he'd been experimenting with, but he took care to cover up with them. He has one partner that he's been seeing for 15 years, which means all thru the time he was also seeing me. I've met her, and she might be alot of things, but she definitely isn't the source of the infection. There are basically 2 people it could have been. We'll leave it at that.
If you clicked the link, you'll see that Trich is the most common and most easily cured STD. I was diagnosed, took my 4 pills, and it was over. Same with Jachin, same with Malcolm. We all three took the opportunity to screen for the rest of the STD's since it was a New Year, and it had been longer than 6 months for Malcolm and I. Jachin had just been tested at the beginning of December because of his worries over his ex's infidelities and lies. The paperwork from that round of testing shows him being clean. I saw it. The good news for Malcolm and I is that we also both came out clean on everything else: and we advocate regular STD testing for everyone in the lifestyle. We were tested for Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, AIDS, Herpes, and I'm sure some more that I can't think of the name. All Clean.
So that could have been the end of it. A stupid mishap, Jachin trusting someone he shouldn't have. He learned a valuable lesson and is meticulous about wrapping up now. Even he and I have stopped having bareback sex, it was really a disturbing incident for both of us. Neither Malcolm nor I are angry with him, we understood the risk, and we love him. But safety comes first. However that's NOT the end of it. Medusa, the Psycho Stalker Bitch, Satan, the Addiction...whatever name I've given her, they are all so appropriate. She lost her mind with jealousy that Jachin attended our party this weekend and has decided that she wants to "ruin" us. She has texted, in the past, to Jachin that someday she'll "get even" with me and that "I have it coming". So she texted to Jachin that she was going to post in some of our area groups that Malcolm and I have or had an STD. What more she was going to say I have no idea. She hates the fact that she'll never be allowed at our parties because she is certifiably crazy, really and truly insane. So here it is, for everyone to hear before she gets a chance to do her deed....
Yes we had an STD. It was called TRICH. We are cured. We are now clean of all STD's. Since we always play safe at parties, we never ever put any of our members at risk, in fact by the time the party came around we had both been treated. I've emailed all the area group owners telling them this exact story. I let them know she may try to post about it. Better that they hear it from me first, than hear me trying to clean up a raving lunatic's vomit. I can't guarantee that when they read that email that they won't ban her from their group. No group owner wants someone that could cause that much trouble for no other reason than spite and jealousy as a member. I can't tell them what to do, but I do have a longstanding relationship with most if not all of the group owners in Maine, NH, and Massachusetts, and they know me and they know I am honest to a fault, and that I wouldn't bullshit them about this. ~Trusted and Loved~ for a reason.
I refuse to be fucking blackmailed. I refuse to allow someone I love to be tortured and emotionally blackmailed on my behalf. I DAMN well won't allow someone to spew lies about me or the people I love. So Medusa, PSycho, Addiction, or your new name...Infection....your acid is old news.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Superheros
The boys had a good time this weekend, a damn good time. I can't tell you how soul satisfying it is to sit between the two men I love most in the world and hear them banter with each other, be ribald, laugh, and start all over again. What an absurd friendship, but what genuine and heartfelt affection the two have for each other. They ARE friends, best friends on a level that only two men with similar heritages and a shared future can have. Each helps the other in his own way. This weekend was a challenge to Jachin from Malcolm. The challenge was to enjoy himself and graduate to the the superhero team. I am Lilith, the Unstoppable, he is Malcolm of the Magical Tongue, we have Ian, the Relentless, and now, new to our team, is Jachin of the Thunderous Cock. Able to part trees in the forest merely by the act of walking with an erection! Fucking women so hard and so deep, the earth shakes and rattles. Special effects would show the team, wondering where The Thunderous Cock was, only to hear vibrations under the earth, and to see ripples on the surface of our drinks...we'd know then.
OK, that's all the time Malcolm gets for his superhero idea in the blog. I'm a lot of things, but writing comic books was never a strong point for me. But perhaps the idea of us being superheros isn't so far off the path, really. What we found this weekend is that we function incredibly well together, each one of us having our special talent that adds levels of fun to every party we host. But the way that we all work together is the most superhero thing of all.
I saw Jachin more confident and relaxed than I have in a long time. Malcolm had supplied him with Voodoo Magic to ease his mind on any performance anxiety. Most men in the lifestyle experience this, including Malcolm and Ian. Having to perform in front of large numbers of people, AND for extended periods of time, all while wearing a sensory numbing prophylactic make for a bad combination when a man is trying to maintain a good stiff cock. Most men feel ashamed to talk about it, but I'm hear to shout to the world that it's the most common anxiety issue I hear talk of in this lifestyle. Men shouldn't feel worried to address this very VERY common problem, and talk about all kinds of affordable solutions, ranging from prescriptions to some of the herbal remedies. And don't forget the power of positive thinking as well, it goes a huge way in preventing your own mind from psyching you out.
But Malcolm and Jachin became a team this weekend. Malcolm attacked with his tongue and readied the pussies for the Thunderous Cock. The surprise of Jachin is that he can be so quiet, unassuming, and easy natured, then turn around and produce a cock the size of a barnyard animal. Imagine fucking yourself with a diet coke can, and you've about got the width of him. Lengthwise, he's definitely above average, able to knock into your cervix with every hard thrust. The women were in love with him, showing him love by swallowing him, and fucking him, and just general cooing over his monster. I got to watch him fuck the nonsense out of my beautiful lady friend Eliza, watch her squirt her beautiful rain all over him a few times, and got to rub her clit and his balls while he fucked her doggy style, got to feel that rain fall all over my hand and arm. Jesus, what a turn on. I got to be his personal fluffer, getting him ready for his next fuck, while Malcolm fucked my pussy and watched me take that cock into my mouth, rocking himself into me harder and harder to force that big dick down my throat a little more each time, wanting me to gag and spit all over it until it glistened. And after Jachin would be done fucking, Malcolm would be right behind him in whatever pussy Jachin had just finished with, loving the feel of how big it was after Jachin was done in it, and rubbing his own huge cock all around inside of these women making them cum until they were shaking.
It was a fantastic party, with even the Atomic Chihuahua, Devon, making an appearance. Our friend Violet, and her husband came to support us, Violet with her bad ass hooker's body and her insatiable need. God love this woman, she can go all night. I missed having her sit on my face, and will have to save that wonderful thing for next time.
As always, Malcolm and I ended the night with each other, making slow, endless sweet love to each other until the sky began to lighten. We have so many fantasies in each other, so many things we want to do to and for each other. My love for him is this warm hearth, comfortable and secure. He was home, inside of me, the unique key to my special lock, hitting just the right places to unleash the floods, knowing just how to make my body respond to him no matter how tired, how sore, how done I think I am. I'll never say no to him, he knows that. And I'll never be finished until he is absolutely sated, even when there are nights like last night where he was virtually insatiable. But he finally succumbed to exhaustion, wrapping me securely in his warm body, and we slept until he woke ready this morning for one more round......
I can't wait to do it again!
OK, that's all the time Malcolm gets for his superhero idea in the blog. I'm a lot of things, but writing comic books was never a strong point for me. But perhaps the idea of us being superheros isn't so far off the path, really. What we found this weekend is that we function incredibly well together, each one of us having our special talent that adds levels of fun to every party we host. But the way that we all work together is the most superhero thing of all.
I saw Jachin more confident and relaxed than I have in a long time. Malcolm had supplied him with Voodoo Magic to ease his mind on any performance anxiety. Most men in the lifestyle experience this, including Malcolm and Ian. Having to perform in front of large numbers of people, AND for extended periods of time, all while wearing a sensory numbing prophylactic make for a bad combination when a man is trying to maintain a good stiff cock. Most men feel ashamed to talk about it, but I'm hear to shout to the world that it's the most common anxiety issue I hear talk of in this lifestyle. Men shouldn't feel worried to address this very VERY common problem, and talk about all kinds of affordable solutions, ranging from prescriptions to some of the herbal remedies. And don't forget the power of positive thinking as well, it goes a huge way in preventing your own mind from psyching you out.
But Malcolm and Jachin became a team this weekend. Malcolm attacked with his tongue and readied the pussies for the Thunderous Cock. The surprise of Jachin is that he can be so quiet, unassuming, and easy natured, then turn around and produce a cock the size of a barnyard animal. Imagine fucking yourself with a diet coke can, and you've about got the width of him. Lengthwise, he's definitely above average, able to knock into your cervix with every hard thrust. The women were in love with him, showing him love by swallowing him, and fucking him, and just general cooing over his monster. I got to watch him fuck the nonsense out of my beautiful lady friend Eliza, watch her squirt her beautiful rain all over him a few times, and got to rub her clit and his balls while he fucked her doggy style, got to feel that rain fall all over my hand and arm. Jesus, what a turn on. I got to be his personal fluffer, getting him ready for his next fuck, while Malcolm fucked my pussy and watched me take that cock into my mouth, rocking himself into me harder and harder to force that big dick down my throat a little more each time, wanting me to gag and spit all over it until it glistened. And after Jachin would be done fucking, Malcolm would be right behind him in whatever pussy Jachin had just finished with, loving the feel of how big it was after Jachin was done in it, and rubbing his own huge cock all around inside of these women making them cum until they were shaking.
It was a fantastic party, with even the Atomic Chihuahua, Devon, making an appearance. Our friend Violet, and her husband came to support us, Violet with her bad ass hooker's body and her insatiable need. God love this woman, she can go all night. I missed having her sit on my face, and will have to save that wonderful thing for next time.
As always, Malcolm and I ended the night with each other, making slow, endless sweet love to each other until the sky began to lighten. We have so many fantasies in each other, so many things we want to do to and for each other. My love for him is this warm hearth, comfortable and secure. He was home, inside of me, the unique key to my special lock, hitting just the right places to unleash the floods, knowing just how to make my body respond to him no matter how tired, how sore, how done I think I am. I'll never say no to him, he knows that. And I'll never be finished until he is absolutely sated, even when there are nights like last night where he was virtually insatiable. But he finally succumbed to exhaustion, wrapping me securely in his warm body, and we slept until he woke ready this morning for one more round......
I can't wait to do it again!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Addict
Loving someone is hard. There are ups and downs, and all arounds, and there are those things that you work through, and then there are those lines in the sand. For six years, I was in a love relationship with Jachin. I loved him through all his addictions. His addiction to alcohol, to drugs, to sex, to anything, really that he could become addicted to...even at times to me. Jachin is an addictive personality. He's addicted to technology, addicted to substances sometimes, and yes, addicted to the high of the chase, and the endorphin release of orgasm.
There were a lot of things I overlooked in those six years. I overlooked a bevy of women, because I knew he was still coming home to me. I knew he had a voracious appetite for variety, and yes, for getting his dick sucked. Jachin will go a long ways for a good blow job, and it became a running joke that he was on a quest to find someone that could give head as good as I could. I overlooked his drinking stints, concentrating more on helping him find the reasons he did it, trying to get him to admit more than "Cuz I'm grown, and I can!". We talked a lot, Jachin and I, over those six years. We talked about his horrendous childhood, about his Navy days, about his shore life, and of course, about his marriage. We talked about his kids, and about his ambivalence towards fatherhood. But I took his words and measured it against his actions...always. And I saw a better picture of the man he was, and why.
I still love Jachin, will always love him. The best part of my relationship with Malcolm is that Malcolm understands, and would never give me an ultimatum about picking and choosing my feelings. Malcolm quite likes Jachin too, and has had lots of deep talks with him about any number of subjects. They've become better friends than I could have ever hoped, although who's influence is rubbing off on whom, I have no idea. But with all the love I had for Jachin, the one line in the sand with him has always been his worst addiction, the one that drove us apart, and has caused every piece of strife and hardship in his life since he discovered it.
How do you help someone overcome an addiction? What if that addiction is alive? If it walks, talks, and breathes? What if that addiction, like Satan, can text him and taunt him, and every day, without fail get under his skin. He goes weeks being able to ignore her, being strong and understanding that she is the poison that infects his life. But inevitably, she reels him in, and when he is in the throws of his addiction he forgets everything but his wants. Like a heroin addict, he forgets all the awful shit that happened to make him want to quit, and all he can think of is his next hit, his next piece.
I asked him the questions tonight, as he was miserable on the phone tonight, so unhappy. Unhappy, in his own words, without her or with her. He feels sick, distraught. I think it's time for meds, and Jachin isn't arguing with me, which is scary in itself. The questions are those things designed to make him remember why he quit, why he was trying to rehab himself. "Why are you living as Malcolm's roommate, Jachin? Was it your choice?" "Why did you tell your brother to bitch slap you if you started slipping again, Jachin? Do you remember the awful, hateful things she said about your wife, Jachin? Tell me when it has ever worked out in your favor, Jachin, when have things ever gone so wonderfully right that you would jeopardize your security and friendship with Malcolm?" "Why did Malcolm ban her from the house Jachin? Was it a series of events that your addiction set into motion? Do you remember his very very valid reasons, Jachin?"
He's torn right now, wanting his addiction and wanting to hold strong. Malcolm and I are hosting a party this Saturday to which we were encouraging him to attend. After much thought and discussion, Malcolm and I told Jachin that he could bring his addiction to the party. We arrived at this conclusion because we know how she rolls, and though we would have spent the party ignoring her, like we did last time, Jachin, who at first wanted to bring her, quickly became adamant about not attending with her. On the surface he said he doesn't want to see her used and abused. Who would have been doing that? I wouldn't have paid her the time of day, and certainly Malcolm wouldn't have given two shits, unless she started acting like an imbecile. So that leaves the fact that Jachin didn't want to see her enjoying herself with any of the other black men attending the party, especially since he knew that we are heavy on single, beautiful black men. In his heart, he either can't stand to let her have the BBC she wants, or he knows she can't manage to act right at a real party. God only knows what the real story is. So I honored his request and took him off the party list.
He'll be angry, tomorrow, because his addiction will be shrieking at him over this blog. His addiction is still my psycho stalker bitch, visiting this site anywhere from 4 to 25 times a day, always looking to see what I'm doing. Consequences be damned, however, I care too much about that man to see him taken down, AGAIN. Watching him fall, and get up over and over again is just so painful for all of us that actually care for him, and want him to be better. Malcolm wants me to take a hard edge approach with him, but I just can't do it. I just wish I knew a better way. I told him I loved him this afternoon, as we chatted, and he was so sad. He wanted to know why, why did I still love him after everything? So I gave him the only answer I had, the one he'd taught me...
Because I'm grown, and I can.
Please be well Jachin, I love you.
There were a lot of things I overlooked in those six years. I overlooked a bevy of women, because I knew he was still coming home to me. I knew he had a voracious appetite for variety, and yes, for getting his dick sucked. Jachin will go a long ways for a good blow job, and it became a running joke that he was on a quest to find someone that could give head as good as I could. I overlooked his drinking stints, concentrating more on helping him find the reasons he did it, trying to get him to admit more than "Cuz I'm grown, and I can!". We talked a lot, Jachin and I, over those six years. We talked about his horrendous childhood, about his Navy days, about his shore life, and of course, about his marriage. We talked about his kids, and about his ambivalence towards fatherhood. But I took his words and measured it against his actions...always. And I saw a better picture of the man he was, and why.
I still love Jachin, will always love him. The best part of my relationship with Malcolm is that Malcolm understands, and would never give me an ultimatum about picking and choosing my feelings. Malcolm quite likes Jachin too, and has had lots of deep talks with him about any number of subjects. They've become better friends than I could have ever hoped, although who's influence is rubbing off on whom, I have no idea. But with all the love I had for Jachin, the one line in the sand with him has always been his worst addiction, the one that drove us apart, and has caused every piece of strife and hardship in his life since he discovered it.
How do you help someone overcome an addiction? What if that addiction is alive? If it walks, talks, and breathes? What if that addiction, like Satan, can text him and taunt him, and every day, without fail get under his skin. He goes weeks being able to ignore her, being strong and understanding that she is the poison that infects his life. But inevitably, she reels him in, and when he is in the throws of his addiction he forgets everything but his wants. Like a heroin addict, he forgets all the awful shit that happened to make him want to quit, and all he can think of is his next hit, his next piece.
I asked him the questions tonight, as he was miserable on the phone tonight, so unhappy. Unhappy, in his own words, without her or with her. He feels sick, distraught. I think it's time for meds, and Jachin isn't arguing with me, which is scary in itself. The questions are those things designed to make him remember why he quit, why he was trying to rehab himself. "Why are you living as Malcolm's roommate, Jachin? Was it your choice?" "Why did you tell your brother to bitch slap you if you started slipping again, Jachin? Do you remember the awful, hateful things she said about your wife, Jachin? Tell me when it has ever worked out in your favor, Jachin, when have things ever gone so wonderfully right that you would jeopardize your security and friendship with Malcolm?" "Why did Malcolm ban her from the house Jachin? Was it a series of events that your addiction set into motion? Do you remember his very very valid reasons, Jachin?"
He's torn right now, wanting his addiction and wanting to hold strong. Malcolm and I are hosting a party this Saturday to which we were encouraging him to attend. After much thought and discussion, Malcolm and I told Jachin that he could bring his addiction to the party. We arrived at this conclusion because we know how she rolls, and though we would have spent the party ignoring her, like we did last time, Jachin, who at first wanted to bring her, quickly became adamant about not attending with her. On the surface he said he doesn't want to see her used and abused. Who would have been doing that? I wouldn't have paid her the time of day, and certainly Malcolm wouldn't have given two shits, unless she started acting like an imbecile. So that leaves the fact that Jachin didn't want to see her enjoying herself with any of the other black men attending the party, especially since he knew that we are heavy on single, beautiful black men. In his heart, he either can't stand to let her have the BBC she wants, or he knows she can't manage to act right at a real party. God only knows what the real story is. So I honored his request and took him off the party list.
He'll be angry, tomorrow, because his addiction will be shrieking at him over this blog. His addiction is still my psycho stalker bitch, visiting this site anywhere from 4 to 25 times a day, always looking to see what I'm doing. Consequences be damned, however, I care too much about that man to see him taken down, AGAIN. Watching him fall, and get up over and over again is just so painful for all of us that actually care for him, and want him to be better. Malcolm wants me to take a hard edge approach with him, but I just can't do it. I just wish I knew a better way. I told him I loved him this afternoon, as we chatted, and he was so sad. He wanted to know why, why did I still love him after everything? So I gave him the only answer I had, the one he'd taught me...
Because I'm grown, and I can.
Please be well Jachin, I love you.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
UnInvited
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate.
(LOL, nope, I don't need a moment. I'm ALL set.)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Elephants and Such
Events transpired lately to force Malcolm and I into a new level of honesty with each other. Over the course of our relationship, we've always had assumptions about each other, and the things we do when we're NOT together, but it was never spoken of. Kind of like the white elephant in the room. Neither of us is stupid, though, and it came to be time to face that elephant head on, and find out what the other person really thought.
A while ago, I remember having a conversation with Malcolm which ended in one of his speeches about how women try to trap you. Specifically, he says that a woman will tell you it's ok, you can tell her the truth, but when you do....POW! Wailing, and weeping and gnashing of teeth occur, and the man is taught that no, truth is never a good thing. I knew then that was his way of telling me, without saying outright to me, that he wasn't comfortable enough yet to face the elephant, and preferred for both of us to go on ignoring it. And just what is this elephant? LOL, well, after all, we ARE swingers with an instiable appetite, and we do spend long times apart from each other some times. So the elephant is the other people in our lives that satisfy us in a sexual capacity.
Malcolm and I are both serious creatures of habit, and prefer to hang out with people we know rather than form a hundred knew liasons. AND, we'd rather be with people we are comfortable with and people we deem trustworthy and safe, rather than risk a bad experience with some schmuck. So we go back to the familiar. For me, yeah, it's always been Jachin, and Malcolm has always known, even since we started dating 2 years ago that Jachin has never been just a platonic friend. For Malcolm, it has always been his baby mommas. I understand it, I can't be sure that if my baby daddy was around that we wouldn't still have a boink now and again. Sharing a child with someone doesn't ever go away, and neither does loving someone you shared your life with for a long time. But for Malcolm and I, it was getting to the point that we just needed to get it out in the open and relieve the burden and tension of talking AROUND it for so long.
The interesting thing is that it doesn't make us want each other less. In fact, finally discussing it has, yet again, made us closer. For Malcolm, the biggest stumbling block in a relationship is trust and faith. For him to have that, even in increments, is huge. For me, he knows I can't stand the secret life thing. I hate hiding things from him, and I hate having to guess what he's up to. I played the guessing game with Jachin for way too long, and all I want now is straight forward, or at least as straightforward as we can be, with all of our quirks. PLUS, it frees Jachin from having to lie to both of us, something he's incredibly bad at. Malcolm can tell just by looking at him if he's done something with me, and Jachin can't keep a secret from me to save his life. LOL Malcolm says that Jachin would never be the guy you want to rob a bank with, cuz he cracks under pressure like a bad nut.
I love Malcolm more today than I did when I met him. But the best part is that not only do I love him, I LIKE him WAYYY more because he's honestly and truly my friend now too, and not just my lover. We care for each other, not just sexually, but in those everyday things too, like mundane doctor's visits, and taxes, and groceries, bill paying, and all the stupid things that couples have to take care of. Further more, he trusts me to take care of his shit, and that is unprecedented. I love him most of all for trusting me not only with him, but with the fact that no matter what, I'll always come home to him.
A while ago, I remember having a conversation with Malcolm which ended in one of his speeches about how women try to trap you. Specifically, he says that a woman will tell you it's ok, you can tell her the truth, but when you do....POW! Wailing, and weeping and gnashing of teeth occur, and the man is taught that no, truth is never a good thing. I knew then that was his way of telling me, without saying outright to me, that he wasn't comfortable enough yet to face the elephant, and preferred for both of us to go on ignoring it. And just what is this elephant? LOL, well, after all, we ARE swingers with an instiable appetite, and we do spend long times apart from each other some times. So the elephant is the other people in our lives that satisfy us in a sexual capacity.
Malcolm and I are both serious creatures of habit, and prefer to hang out with people we know rather than form a hundred knew liasons. AND, we'd rather be with people we are comfortable with and people we deem trustworthy and safe, rather than risk a bad experience with some schmuck. So we go back to the familiar. For me, yeah, it's always been Jachin, and Malcolm has always known, even since we started dating 2 years ago that Jachin has never been just a platonic friend. For Malcolm, it has always been his baby mommas. I understand it, I can't be sure that if my baby daddy was around that we wouldn't still have a boink now and again. Sharing a child with someone doesn't ever go away, and neither does loving someone you shared your life with for a long time. But for Malcolm and I, it was getting to the point that we just needed to get it out in the open and relieve the burden and tension of talking AROUND it for so long.
The interesting thing is that it doesn't make us want each other less. In fact, finally discussing it has, yet again, made us closer. For Malcolm, the biggest stumbling block in a relationship is trust and faith. For him to have that, even in increments, is huge. For me, he knows I can't stand the secret life thing. I hate hiding things from him, and I hate having to guess what he's up to. I played the guessing game with Jachin for way too long, and all I want now is straight forward, or at least as straightforward as we can be, with all of our quirks. PLUS, it frees Jachin from having to lie to both of us, something he's incredibly bad at. Malcolm can tell just by looking at him if he's done something with me, and Jachin can't keep a secret from me to save his life. LOL Malcolm says that Jachin would never be the guy you want to rob a bank with, cuz he cracks under pressure like a bad nut.
I love Malcolm more today than I did when I met him. But the best part is that not only do I love him, I LIKE him WAYYY more because he's honestly and truly my friend now too, and not just my lover. We care for each other, not just sexually, but in those everyday things too, like mundane doctor's visits, and taxes, and groceries, bill paying, and all the stupid things that couples have to take care of. Further more, he trusts me to take care of his shit, and that is unprecedented. I love him most of all for trusting me not only with him, but with the fact that no matter what, I'll always come home to him.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Busy Time
February has been unusually busy for us in the lifestyle department. Since we inherited Affinity, our schedule suddenly realized the reality of hosting 2 parties in one month due to the unusual circumstances. Having just wrapped up the Valentine's Brothel Party, which was a huge success, thankfully, we set our sites on our next endeavor...the BBC party on 2/20. I'm tired, this month, it's alot. Thankfully my partner, Malcolm, has agreed to shift some of the party burden onto himself for this one, and Jachin has agreed to help out any way he can as well. The hardest part is that there is another Affinity party on March 6th, and that means I'll have hosted a party every 2 weeks 3 times in a row.
It's a job, this hosting thing. I love doing it, and it's a fun job, but it is a job any way you wanna slice the bread. Responsibilities, financials, spreadsheets, profit and loss....it's a big job at that. Marketing, social networking, advertising, and any form of communications take hours to accomplish, and then there are the tons of individual correspondences that I answer, the relationship questions, the lifestyle advice, and the ever present threat of future drama. LOL, it's a microcosm to manage, a world of it's own within a world, just needing someone to watch the flame, and stir the pot. I have to say that my accountant was incredibly impressed with my organization of the Events business this year. All my spreadsheets were detailed and concise, and clearly showed expense and income, as well as net profit or net loss. I find that hosting these groups is not unlike gambling in Vegas. It's a risk, a hit or miss...one minute you're agonizing in hell, wondering if you're gonna lose it all this time. The next minute you're on top of the world, and everything is going your way. That's how this last party felt, with God seemingly intervening in an attempt to preserve my mental sanity this last time as I lost my mind...AGAIN...over the last minute enrollment.
In the end I do this because I love it. It's never going to make me a rich woman, but I love doing it. Call it my hobby, this events planning business, but there is something so satisfying about creating a special evening and watching the delight on people's faces. I might not do alot right in this world, but one thing I certainly can nail out of the park is putting on a kick ass party. I can create a fantastic party, but in the end, it's Malcolm who makes them phenomenal.
Malcolm is still waffling over his love hate relationship with Affinity. So he has thrown himself into our BBW group with as much abandon as I've thrown into Affinity. It puts us at odds, sometimes, we two goats. But we laughed tonight about it, and about how we actually like butting heads. "I don't mind doing this with you, because you're not stupid, and you're not weak." was Malcolm's explanation. It sounds outwardly like a put down, but I totally understand him. One thing Capricorns absolutely cannot abide is stupidity, and right behind that...weakness. So I revel in his strong stubbornness, even as I curse it some days, knowing that in the end, we're just alike. He's come to concede some points to me lately, many more than he ever did in the past. Perhaps I'm just arguing more effectively, or more vehemently...I'm not entirely sure. But I'm winning some arguments, and I never did seem to before. LOLOL
I understand Malcolm's feelings about Affinity, and it doesn't kill me to let him out of it now and again, because I have Jachin who will pick up the slack and be my escort if I need him like that. I feel sad that Jachin won't join us at the BBC party this month, but I understand HIS reasons too. And in the end, he is so much more a lite social creature than Malcolm is, so Affinity suits his nature.
I've promised to soothe Malcolm's beast on the 20th. He has a couple of serious fantasies that I need to fulfill for him. He wants to hold my hand and watch me be gangbanged...even knowing that I'm terrified of it. My work is to trust him to keep me safe, to not leave me there to be...whatever. I can't talk about it too much or I'll psych myself out of it. It's always been my core fear. Malcolm wants me to conquer my fear. He wants me to place my trust in him, as my lover, my significant other, to never let me fall like that. My mind knows, but that irrational fear..... And I want to let go of that fear. I want to put the past behind me, to get that power back and never fear losing control again. We'll see what happens.
So I'm taking my tired ass to bed, and hopefully I'll have some more momentum to continue plugging away at the BBC Party. Tomorrow I work on recruiting more ladies to avoid a disproportion of attendance. We've never hosted a sausage party in the past, and I don't intend to start now. So far it's good...we just need to make sure it stays that way.
Night night!
It's a job, this hosting thing. I love doing it, and it's a fun job, but it is a job any way you wanna slice the bread. Responsibilities, financials, spreadsheets, profit and loss....it's a big job at that. Marketing, social networking, advertising, and any form of communications take hours to accomplish, and then there are the tons of individual correspondences that I answer, the relationship questions, the lifestyle advice, and the ever present threat of future drama. LOL, it's a microcosm to manage, a world of it's own within a world, just needing someone to watch the flame, and stir the pot. I have to say that my accountant was incredibly impressed with my organization of the Events business this year. All my spreadsheets were detailed and concise, and clearly showed expense and income, as well as net profit or net loss. I find that hosting these groups is not unlike gambling in Vegas. It's a risk, a hit or miss...one minute you're agonizing in hell, wondering if you're gonna lose it all this time. The next minute you're on top of the world, and everything is going your way. That's how this last party felt, with God seemingly intervening in an attempt to preserve my mental sanity this last time as I lost my mind...AGAIN...over the last minute enrollment.
In the end I do this because I love it. It's never going to make me a rich woman, but I love doing it. Call it my hobby, this events planning business, but there is something so satisfying about creating a special evening and watching the delight on people's faces. I might not do alot right in this world, but one thing I certainly can nail out of the park is putting on a kick ass party. I can create a fantastic party, but in the end, it's Malcolm who makes them phenomenal.
Malcolm is still waffling over his love hate relationship with Affinity. So he has thrown himself into our BBW group with as much abandon as I've thrown into Affinity. It puts us at odds, sometimes, we two goats. But we laughed tonight about it, and about how we actually like butting heads. "I don't mind doing this with you, because you're not stupid, and you're not weak." was Malcolm's explanation. It sounds outwardly like a put down, but I totally understand him. One thing Capricorns absolutely cannot abide is stupidity, and right behind that...weakness. So I revel in his strong stubbornness, even as I curse it some days, knowing that in the end, we're just alike. He's come to concede some points to me lately, many more than he ever did in the past. Perhaps I'm just arguing more effectively, or more vehemently...I'm not entirely sure. But I'm winning some arguments, and I never did seem to before. LOLOL
I understand Malcolm's feelings about Affinity, and it doesn't kill me to let him out of it now and again, because I have Jachin who will pick up the slack and be my escort if I need him like that. I feel sad that Jachin won't join us at the BBC party this month, but I understand HIS reasons too. And in the end, he is so much more a lite social creature than Malcolm is, so Affinity suits his nature.
I've promised to soothe Malcolm's beast on the 20th. He has a couple of serious fantasies that I need to fulfill for him. He wants to hold my hand and watch me be gangbanged...even knowing that I'm terrified of it. My work is to trust him to keep me safe, to not leave me there to be...whatever. I can't talk about it too much or I'll psych myself out of it. It's always been my core fear. Malcolm wants me to conquer my fear. He wants me to place my trust in him, as my lover, my significant other, to never let me fall like that. My mind knows, but that irrational fear..... And I want to let go of that fear. I want to put the past behind me, to get that power back and never fear losing control again. We'll see what happens.
So I'm taking my tired ass to bed, and hopefully I'll have some more momentum to continue plugging away at the BBC Party. Tomorrow I work on recruiting more ladies to avoid a disproportion of attendance. We've never hosted a sausage party in the past, and I don't intend to start now. So far it's good...we just need to make sure it stays that way.
Night night!
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