An Away Weekend

Along with taking time out from the Internet, I also realized that caring full time for my mother would require me to give up hosting parties for a time.  I was fortunate, in the late fall, when I made the acquaintance of a lovely lady that was interested in taking up the reigns for a bit.  I think, too, that having hosted as many clubs as I did as frequently, I was burnt.  It wasn't fun for me anymore, it was a job, and not a very exciting one at that.

Malcolm and I attended a party this weekend that was just stupid good.  We haven't had that level of abandon and relaxation in as long as I can remember.  Many of our friends were there as well, though some couldn't make it at the last moment.  But for those that did make it, it was crazy awesome.

Many people never consider the huge undertaking it is to throw an event like this.  Hours and hours of answering emails, planning food, budgeting for necessities, dealing with peoples petty dramas.  Dealing with no shows and last minute cancels.  Policing adults so that your place doesn't get trashed.  Being the perfect host despite how you are actually feeling.  It gets to be overwhelming many times, so much so that when I hosted Affinity, it was more times than not that Liz or Ian found me tear-stained in my kitchen almost paralyzed by task overload.  As the host/hostess, you can't really get down and enjoy yourself because the minute your back is turned, some fucked up shit is liable to happen.  So you play a little bit here and there, never really letting your guard down, and hope to God that your mate will tolerate your mood and take care of you sexually when it's all done.  Though we still play a fundamental role in pulling off these parties, the final stress isn't ours, and we can finally breathe, and make very very merry.

I knew this party was going to be extra special by the very virtue of the fact that so many of our dearest friends were going to be attending.  Though we were disappointed in the last minute cancellation by my boytoy Ian and his girl, our friend Liz was still attending, and a last minute surprise of our friend Bill.  Now, I've never featured Bill in a blog before, and mores the pity.

Bill is amazing, quite simply.  Ripped, hung, and so damn easy on the eyes he's unforgettable. Luscious lips....great smile, easy going, and so reliable to be steady and carry a boatload of stamina.  Quite simply, we love Bill.  JT was also attending with some friends of his, and he is always a guaranteed good time as well.  The night just kept lining up better and better.

And quite frankly, any night I'm with Malcolm at all is a guaranteed great night.  To be in his hand and under his arm is all I need to be fulfilled.  He never ever disappoints me, and is always the perfect date. 

Malcolm had held me off all week, making me build up my energy towards the weekend, and building the anticipation little by little with his teasing remarks every day:

 "You know that you're in for it at that party, don't you?  I'm going to wail on you for HOURS until you don't have a voice left from screaming so much."
"I want to watch you sucking dick while I fuck you hard.  You better swallow that cum too or I'll make you lick it off my fingers."
"I want people to watch you while I lick you and make you squirt."

And so the week went, until, picking him up in the car, I could feel myself creaming a little bit in anticipation of what was to come.  We packed for the overnight, and got on the road, our good friend Liz following in her truck close behind us. It was a long-ish ride, about an hour, so we had time to chat and play in the car.  One thing, since we've gotten back together, is that playfulness is so much more evident.  Maybe we're more relaxed with each other, maybe we've seen the worst and now we're just more comfortable.  I dunno for sure, but we play more, we laugh and joke more, and we definitely love more.  He pushes me harder to sub, to accept him fully as my Dom.  It was evident as I questioned him about route and direction.  I know the way there, but he knew it better, and he would repeat...."Trust me, follow me."  I caught myself beginning to argue, but quickly bit it back...."yes Daddy", and with that gave him my verbal consent to lead me, to care for and guide me and not just on the road.  He knew I was acquiescing to much more.

We both helped to finish setting up the party when we arrived, finish some baking, some shoveling, some bed-making. Then we helped greet the guests and get the conversation flowing.  Malcolm, as always, is great at getting people to talk and laugh.  He has that kind of aura that makes people naturally gravitate towards him.  They WANT to talk to him to get to know him.  He also loves being the life of the party, so it all works out well, really.  He teased me for a long while that night, not really thinking about pleasing me or letting me please him until later.  We watched a bunch of women ride a sybian, and talked about how we felt about using it.  My issue with the sybian is that it destroys my stamina...and when we're at a party, I need lots of stamina because Malcolm won't quit.  Not until the sun shines...quite literally.

We decided to get things rolling by taking our friend Liz into a room.  Luckily we bumped into another one of our lady friends who was coming out of the room with her boytoy.  Malcolm took Kathy down on the mattress and started to lick her slowly.  I love watching him and helping him....but my tongue wanted in too.  So Liz became my willing victim.  It's been simply ages since I had the joy of diving in and making her cum.  Liz is gorgeous.  She has the biggest breasts ever, an H cup I believe. And she is so responsive and vocal during sex.  She also squirts buckets, which is amazing as well.  So in I dived, with a happy harrumph, and licked and sucked her clit, fingered her juicy pussy, and made her cum at least as many times Malcolm made Kathy come.  And then it was time to switch. LOLOL!  Malcolm and I switched partners and started all over again, to equal effect.  Round one, of about 20.

The girls needed to breathe and rehydrate, so he and I went out to the kitchen to get some water as well and clean up a bit.  Having cum up your nose stings a bit, and makes us both laugh, so we took a moment to wash our faces, and hug and kiss each other, all the while tasting both women all over again.  Malcolm decided to change into his kilt, I took a moment to check my phone, and we headed back upstairs to the party again.  He looks so fucking hot in his kilt that after he'd finished boasting about it and prancing around, I hurried him over to the couch so that I could lift that kilt up and suck his big beautiful cock.  I never get tired of having him in my mouth and throat, not ever.  And he never gets tired of getting the best head he's ever gotten.  That night, with people watching him and watching me, his cock was bigger than I've ever seen it....big enough to make me have to be careful not to scrape him.  He was huge.

He did make me stop though, he definitely didn't want the fun to end so soon.  He got up, tried to smooth his kilt down over the huge mountain of his cock, and went back to get a beer in the kitchen.  We were approached by a new couple we'd chatted with earlier, and we consented to help them enjoy their first time.  Being with newbies is as nerve-wracking for the experienced people as it is for the newbies.  We dunno what expectation or preconceptions they may have, and we definitely don't want to intimidate or disappoint. And newbies can't always verbalize what they want because they just don't know.  So we kept it slow and easy with them, soft swap only, side by side, Malcolm with her, me with her mate.  It was a tender sweet moment, and we are glad they chose us to be their first.  We hope they weren't disappointed, and hope they come back again for more.

When they left the room, Malcolm asked them to leave the door open.  He came over to me and finally, FINALLY started fucking me with his big beautiful cock.  I was drenched from coming and squirting, and was still breathless from the last orgasm, but feeling him shove inside so firmly until his cock was seated all the way in made me shiver, and it hit my magic spot.  I squirted on him repeatedly.  I honestly believe I could squirt on him endlessly in that position.  He's so long he hits the back and triggers it.  He loves the feel of my pussy, how it's wet, and hot, and he loves how I let him stretch it out any way he wants.  He loves to get his hand up in there and fist me, then shove his cock inside and feel me contract around him. He fucked me nice and slow, loving the way he felt all that wetness glide around him.

The night became endless variations of him and I and Liz, and Bill, and a couple other of the men that attended.  Malcolm would get me onto my knees, shove his cock into me, and invite a man for me to give head to so that he could watch me deep throat, knowing that the more he turned me on and made me cum, the harder I would shove that cock down my throat.  He loves to watch the man's face as he realizes that he's never had his cock so far down a throat before, he says that their eyes roll up into their heads and their head kind of loll about.  Then he'd move over to take care of Liz, and he'd hand me off to someone he trusted to keep fucking me, or fisting me, or eating me.  I wouldn't always have to ability to see who it was, but that was Malcolm making me trust that he had my back, that he was in control no matter what.  And it is extraordinarily erotic to be taken by a stranger, to not know who's hand is making you squirt, to not be sure who's cock is slamming home.  I always knew, however, that Malcolm knew, and that was enough.  Malcolm made sure that all my holes were busy.

It was getting on 5 am, and we were both exhausted.  Malcolm hadn't cum yet though, and he won't finish inside of anyone else but me. So he flipped me onto my back, and he told me to play with myself while he fisted me.  That final orgasm was the one that sent me over the edge, really.  There are some orgasms where you just literally feel cells exploding inside your head, bright lights start to go off behind your eyes, and you feel like you could begin to lose consciousness.  He brought me to that point then slammed his cock home so that he could feel those intense lasting contractions.  When he goes so long, sometimes he has trouble finishing.  He's tired, it's a monumental effort.  So it was time to pull out his favorite fantasy.......

"Baby, my body is drenched in cum.  Those men came all over me like the slut that I am, and I am covered in it.  Will you lick me clean?  Will you kiss it out of my mouth?  Will you play with it and feed it to me from your fingers?  Please daddy, I need to feel you fill me up with your cum because I want to feel it dripping down my legs, and I want to swipe my hand through it and rub it all over my face."

He roared his release and bit down just above my breast as the cum shot out of his body and flooded my pussy. He wrapped himself around me to keep me warm while he caught his breath, then pulled me out of the bed so that we could remove the nasty sheets and get to the fresh bed underneath.  We put the pillows onto the bed, pulled the comforter on, and he spooned me to go to sleep.  I couldn't sleep on that side though, and I turned over to face him, put my leg over his hip and my arm around his back and we fell asleep, his cock nestled in my pussy and my  head on his chest.  We both fell asleep almost immediately, and slept like the dead until we were woken up a few hours later by everyone else rising for the morning.

The rest of the day was honestly a waste, as both of us were wiped out and completely useless until sometime Monday night. LOL.  Definitely a great great night!

Long Time

I took a break from the Internet for awhile, not from everything of course, as email and bank accounts and things like that will always be essential.  But definitely a break from a lot of things I love to do online....blog, Facebook, and online gaming.
The holidays came, and my mother's health became more and more precarious.  I needed the time I normally spent online to create a holiday to outshine all holidays.  After all, how would you do it, if you know this was going to be a person's last Christmas, last New Year's, last Thanksgiving...on and on.  It's intensely emotionally draining, and as equally fulfilling.  It also requires time and focus.  I'm glad I did it, no matter what.

Time with Malcolm has been equally precious, and equally limited.  Going back to work full time curtailed my being his beck and call girl, and very much reset his attitude towards me in terms of accessibility.  I hate that men and women have to play games, but really, they seem to be a necessary evil in the balancing of logic and hormone.  It's interesting to watch our relationship evolve, to watch HIM grow and change and to see myself doing the same.  I'm no longer in awe of him, just comfortable at last and strong enough to stand up to him and command his love and respect.  I don't coddle him, I needle him every chance I get.  He has enough women in his life to fawn over him, he needs at least one that will put the brakes on and say HEY!!!  YOU ARE FLIPPING WRONG!!!  We laugh so much more now, and we have conversations about something other than his roommate or the crazy bitches in Jachin's life.

Jachin is gone from both of our lives.  It's a bit uncomfortable, somewhat bittersweet, and more relieving to be done with the dog and pony show....and all the drama it created around everyone he came into contact with.  All the lies, the manipulations just gone.  And yes, I do miss him to some extent, but I don't miss the everyday horror show he brought to my life with all of his nonsense. Nor do I miss his ability to make me feel sorry for him or guilty or pushed into helping him beyond what is comfortable for me.  It's a shame really to look back and realize that I had the lowest of expectations from him, and still managed to be disappointed.  It's hard to comprehend how someone can be so completely mercenary in their intents that they would literally use up a resource until it was gone, and then move on to the next.

Malcolm is helping me look back on the past with different eyes.  I see now that the timing of Jachin's "breakup" with me wasn't ironic, it was calculated.  He realized, when I lost my job, that the bank of Lilith would be closing and that he wouldn't be able to rely on me for funds anymore.  It was opportunistic of him, at that point, to have someone else waiting in the wings, as he always does, that could then continue to provide him with the necessary funds to carry on his way of life.  He essentially lives like a gigolo, allowing women to support him.  He'll kick in money every once in awhile, to make you think he's contributing, but really....what you give is way more than what you'll ever ever receive.  Jachin once told me that he'd never let me go because he'd never had a real friend like me in his life before.  Sadly, Jachin doesn't know how to be a friend.  He's incapable of being there for someone besides himself.  He's really only interested in someone when it somehow enhances his own life or well being.  He definitely has never really learned how to love another person.  People are merely a means to an end for him.  I've watched him mow a path thru a number of women, not least of which was Medusa.  It became more and more uncomfortable to watch him lie and maneuver thru them, all the while knowing exactly how he operated.  If there was one gift he gave me, besides a cell phone, it was the gift of knowing him exactly how he really was.  A mixed blessing that, to actually witness his lies and perfidy as they related to other people, and not really be able to say anything.

Meanwhile, Malcolm let me know about his conversations with Medusa, and how she herself is searching for answers.  I am thankful for his pledge to honesty with me.  Although I can sense his discomfort in discussing it, he knows that to not do so would be akin to me secretly talking with Jachin and not telling him.  He'd be furious after everything that happened.  He asked before he befriended, and has kept me up to date on all of their conversations.  I value his trust in my character to respond to him appropriately.  And that's what we are really working on lately, trust.  Time will tell.  She's mistaken, however, if she thinks Malcolm really knows the whole story.  While he knows bits and pieces, he doesn't know every ugly detail.  He only knows about the women he saw, which was a lot, granted, but not all.  Jachin made sure I knew every ugly detail.  Whether to hurt me or to have me be his conscience on some level, he told me about them all, and in gory detail.

I regret allowing myself to be caught up in the drama and for inflicting him on Malcolm.  I regret the turmoil it caused in our relationship.  I feel badly for the women in his life that he totally railroaded although as Malcolm says, it wasn't my responsibility to alert them, and they wouldn't have listened anyways.  I don't regret having known Jachin, he certainly is a character, and there definitely were some good times in there.  He always knew how to make me laugh.  He's a hard person NOT to like, his showmanship is flawless.  However, one thing Jachin is not is a good liar.  He tells so many lies that he can't honestly keep track of them all.  I knew how to crack his code when I was ready to accept the truth.  For any woman that bothers to look, the signs are all there, it's just a matter of listening to your gut, and not rationalizing it to make it fit the story you want to be real.  Jachin is amazingly in-your-face about his activities.  He prides himself on getting away with stuff right under someones nose.  I have scores of incredibly hurtful stories, but I refuse to perpetrate more drama on his behalf.  It stops here.

What I do enjoy now, with Malcolm, is peace.  Perhaps it's a naivete on my part, again, but things are so much easier without someone always trying to sabotage you.  Our life is comfortable again, and I enjoy it as much now, a full 3 years later, as I did in the beginning when it was all new and effervescent.  It's still complicated, but still so intrinsically fulfilling for me.  That connection we share, not simply sexually, but mind to mind.....I treasure that most of all.  In fact, he's been away for a few days and I miss the time we usually spend talking to each other.  It's so quiet without him available to talk to.  Thankfully tomorrow is a new day, and he'll be home.  We'll have lots to talk about again, and I definitely look forward to poking the mess out of his bear.

Thaw

It was all so hard to believe that it would actually end like that, and of course it didn't....

I ran from him, and his wolf reared it's head and scented wounded prey, and he chased like his inner Alpha demanded. The more I ran the more he came for me. I realized during the running, as I felt skittish and nervous, but so breathless with hope and desire that I didn't want to run away from him. So I stopped, and turned my wolf to dance around him until he realized that I was the hawk that needed gentling. He found my jesses in the form of an electric trimmer.

Yep, that's right, an electric trimmer.

Malcolm has been my personal intimate groomer since we started dating and he agreed that I had the shortest arms since the Tyrannosaurus Rex went extinct. Being a BBW with a belly and little arms makes grooming your hooha challenging, especially when it concerns using sharp power tools. So he happily took over the job since he sincerely liked doing it. I was long overdue for a trim, and I had no expectations that he'd groom me. I'd fully expected to have to manage on my own, if only he'd lend me his electric trimmer.

Apparently he'd been thinking about us as a couple again too. He invited me into the mancave for the first time in awhile. Then, instead of going to get the trimmer for me, he asked if I wanted him to do it.

"Yes. Please."

Why? Firstly, the prospect of trimming my hooha and leaving it bloody and mangled while I struggled to reach it didn't hold that much excitement for me. And second, I sorely wanted him inside my body again, waking up my core, and melting all the coldness away. I so wanted to be warm and alive again.

He makes me respond to him, despite my doubts, despite my fears and sadness. He manages to reach deeper inside than anyone else and make me burn for him. He's my drug, my opium high, the experience in my life right now that I need as much as I need to breathe. I had no expectations past that moment. But he did.

He told me how he missed me, but how he didn't know how to fix it. I asked him if he loved me again and he became quiet for a moment and said plainly "I never stopped". We left things up in the air for then and spent the next many days talking and negotiating. He came up with his terms: confront Jachin once and for all about what had gone down between the 3 of us. My terms: fine but his ass had to be there too. No more "he said/she said" bullshit.

It was an awful confrontation and Jachin condemned himself as the guilty party 40 times over that day. But the last bit of hesitation seemed to melt away from Malcolm with that meeting. Something in his own head had been satisfied that day, some lingering question or doubt erased. He embraced me.....no he embraced US with a whole new zest and enthusiasm. Wonderful but scary too.

So we find ourselves in love. Again. I hear it in the tone of his voice, he's infatuated like when we first started dating. Me? It's a sick kind of mushy, and yet I also find myself casting away my meekness around him to be who I really am...the strong, proud, capable and intensely sexual woman he fell in love with. I know him on a soul deep level. All his dirty secrets and lies are my playground. There's nothing hiding and he's vulnerable, yet he trusts me. We both hurt each other badly though, and we are taking time to allow our wolves to rest a moment, snuggle, and lick the other's wounds.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

So Cold

I've been using a saying on my pages.  Something to the effect of :  "If I am in love with the sun, I will get burned. So I must be the phoenix, and forever be reborn from the ashes. To live without my sun is to live in darkness, and to always be cold."

I am so cold lately.  Cold inside, cold outside, like some nascent creeping ice formed inside of my core and is just growing and growing, like a cancer inside. I'm sitting here now shivering, unable to find any spark inside to warm myself.  Unfortunately, I can't seek my covers until I vomit this blog out of my head.

Malcolm and I have started speaking to each other again, trying to at least be friends, maybe find some peace or solace from the other.  I'm not really sure what we're doing, honestly.  I know that he is the sun in my world, and his gravity pulls at me constantly, wanting to reach out to the man that was both my heart and my soul if only to touch and make that connection just one more time.  To try and find that spark, that heat that he surrounded me with every day that he was the center of my world.  I saw him last week, we went shopping together for the briefest moment, only to pick up something at WalMart that he needed, and then we went our own ways again.  A glancing kiss, but nothing else to hint that there was so much more.

Maybe I shouldn't have forced more, but really....I wanted to hold him for a second.  I needed his hug.  But his face.  I came towards him and his face was so hard and blank, still steeled with anger.  I never imagined he'd ever look at me that way, ever.  He relented, his face softening for a fraction of a second only, and he gave me that hug.  He wasn't into it though, and he couldn't wait for it to be over.  I knew then that something had died in him too, and the cold inside me began to grow.

This past weekend I had to attend an Affinity event as a co-host.  It's strange giving up that control and trusting someone to do a great job.  But the new hosts did just that.  They delivered a great party with many many happy guests.  I got to mingle, and dance, and chat and socialize.  I laughed, I joked, I kissed.  And I was never so acutely aware of being alone.  I ghosted through the Inn, listening to Journey's Open Arms, and I realized how numb inside I'd become.  I spent time with men and women who tried their damndest to make me cum.  And I felt......nothing.  There wasn't that orgasmic spark to reach for, there was silence.  All I could give them was fake because I just had nothing to give.  Dead Inside.

He called today to check how the party was.  I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how far I've sunk.  I did venture to tell him "I missed you this weekend".  "At the party?"  he asked.  "Yes" I answered.  "I wouldn't have been there anyways." he responded to me.  "I know." I ended.

Welcome back, Ice Princess.

Birthday Weekend

I stated in my last blog that I met JT purely by happenstance.  I had just wanted a quick night out, away from the pressures of being a mom and a caregiver.  I wanted to mingle with other swinger folk, and just be me for a minute, and I knew that the party down the road wouldn't be a big orgy fest, more like a get together of old friends who like to sit around and shoot the shit.  Meeting JT was a bonus of that night out, for sure, and a part of me had already made up my mind to find a way to include him somehow in my life as a friend...with benefits.  I also knew that I still had two Affinity parties left to assist in hosting, and that Malcolm in no way was interested in coming if he could avoid it.  So I set about asking JT if he'd like to help me out by being my date to Affinity in Sept.  He said yes, of course.

Things fell to hell with Malcolm, and I took a few days to grieve my loss, but to also realize that as much as I love Malcolm, the majority of our relationship is definitely cerebral, since we have distance constraints, and families, and jobs that interfere in seeing each other, as well as a host of other issues.  I had to decide not to be crushed by the loss, simply because in the end you CAN choose how you feel, and how you act.  We are not all doomed to act like psychos and stalkers when things don't go our way.  We can make a CHOICE to act like well adjusted and responsible human beings.  Plus, I'd always said, almost like a mantra, that relationships are sweet times where you get to share the road with someone, and inevitably, at some point, a different path will show up.  This was my fork in the road, or in his road.  I am proud of the time I spent as his lady, and cherish the time that he was my man.  But I'm not dying, and life does move on.

I realized that my BBW Group was clamoring for attention, and that if I didn't make a commitment to a party for them soon, I was going to lose them all.  I knew that I didn't want to host alone, so I casually asked JT if he'd be interested in hosting a group with me, the group I'd already told him some things about.  I told him I found myself suddenly single, and that hosting alone didn't hold any appeal for me.  He texted me two words:  "Call Me."

We must have spent about 3 hours on the phone talking, he was ludicrously easy to relate to.  We each spent some time discussing our mutually collapsed relationships, and how we were coping, and about what hosting meant to each of us.  JT is much younger than me, which gave me pause.  But he is intelligent, ethical, sexy as hell, and a wonderful chatter.  It was during the conversation that I told him I'd considered asking him to come with me to my friend Ian's birthday party, but had paused thinking he'd consider me to be either too forward, or just too freaky.  He said he'd think neither, and that he'd love to go.  And so it happened.

Ian and his girlfriend couldn't have been happier to meet JT.  Like they'd ever turn away a gorgeous, hung, BBC???  LOL!  We got to Ian's house, after driving 3 hours thru the hurricane, and I finally got to meet Ian's new girlfriend.  She was awesome, so friendly and welcoming.  She had an instant love for JT, and well, who wouldn't??  I'd asked Adria ahead of time if she'd shave me, and both she and Ian had thought it would be a great way for her and I to get to know each other.  We almost ran up to the shower, and lathered each other up and played for just a bit under the water.  Then she took me back to the bedroom to start grooming me.  She lathered me all up with a coconut scented shaving cream, and it was so rich and smooth.  She then got some very warm water, and started to shave me.  She'd stop to dribble some of that really warm water down my pussy, right down the slit, and it would make me clench, and rock my pelvis a little bit.  By the time she'd done shaving me, and rinsing all the cream and hair off, I was dying, and she knew it.  She dove into my pussy and ate me out, creeping some of her fingers into my creaming hole while she licked and sucked my clit.  She let me cum a little bit, and we made our way down to the living room where Ian had finally gotten home from work, and JT was watching some tv and chatting with him.

I saw Ian, and the saliva glands under my tongue went crazy.  I had to kiss him, had to fell him.  This was MY boytoy #1, and his scent was familiar to my animal.  I fisted my hand in his so soft curls and ate at his mouth...I bit at his lips, I sucked his tongue, and circled it, I pressed myself against him, rubbed my diamond hard nipples against his chest. That was hello.

I knelt between JT's knees then, and unzipped his jeans.  I took his hard cock out and I played with it in my mouth.  Adria laid over top of my back as I did it, and Ian fisted us both, but licked and fingered her until she squirted her hot cum all over my ass and pussy.  Then he moved to my pussy, and he licked me clean while making me squirt all over the hard wood floor.  I had, by this time, taken JT into and deep down my throat, because he's just that long, and the harder I came, the harder I shoved him down my throat.  Adria took a moment to sit her pussy on top of JT's face so that he could go down on her.  I have to say, the man is extremely talented with his tongue.  And his hands, and his long cock.

 

 He's thick, but not obnoxiously so.  He fits nicely in my mouth, doesn't get hung up on the back teeth, and slides easily past the uvula until you can honestly see the head of his cock like an Adam's Apple in my throat.  We decided to move the party upstairs to the bedroom at that point, where things would be more comfortable.  So up we all trucked, and Adria laid me out on the mattress so she could finish what she'd started earlier.  She fingered me, and ate me, and made me squirt all over her over and over again while behind her, Ian did the same to her, and JT encouraged me on.  The night became endless variations on the 4sum theme, all of us swapping out multiple times to have one of the craziest and most debauched nights I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.  And JT, who'd been VERY vocal about not getting to bed too late, was the last mofo to finally quiet down and go to sleep.

He was an awesome partner.  Considerate about my happiness, cuddly, sweet, and very caring.  And the fun continued that morning when we all woke up.  I was so horny, I started to rub my own clit, and JT reached over and ran his long thick fingers up my pussy, inserting a couple and fucking me with them.  So So good....I came and screamed like a fucking banshee.  Ian and Adria made us breakfast, and I retired to the bedroom with them for a threesome, while JT got to spend some time with Ian's roommate, who'd slept thru the previous night's festivities.  Ian, Adria and I concentrated on my love of Adria's cunt.  I ate her, and fucked her, and licked her cum.  I loved feeling her cum around my fingers, and tickled her clit while I made her squirt.  It was an amazing weekend, and I had a really great time.

JT and I made our way home, and talked some more about the group, about it's challenges, and how to solve them, and he became excited to help out, even pledging to help financially as well as physically, should I need it.  It's a welcome change to have his dedication and excitement, and it will be interesting to see how it all goes down.  I like JT, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together.  I'm looking forward to Affinity's Naughty School girl night, so that he can see the venue first hand.  And hey, I can't say I'm sorry about getting some more play time with him either.  :)

Little Surprises

Last weekend, before the apocalypse, I decided to attend a small house party that a friend of mine throws, which happens to only be about 5 minutes or so away from where I live.  I wanted to get out and relax, to laugh and joke with people I knew in a capacity other than work, or family.  I'd texted Malcolm to let him know I wanted to go, and started fucking with Jachin, telling him I was going with a date.

I got there on the later side, having to deal with getting home from work, feeding the troops, and getting Jujubear settled.  It was dark, but the party was going strong, with people chatting around the bonfire, and body art being applied.  I stopped to talk to the wonderful gentleman applying the body art, whom I love so much.  He's so generous, and has a wonderful sense of humor.  He owns an adult toy store in Maine, and often brings little goodies to parties to hand out or give away as prizes.  This night he took a moment to apply some body art to me, and was so sweet in his choice:

I loved my art, and proudly displayed it, even texting it along.  But this man wanted me to meet someone who he had also applied some art to, a young man he thought was the cat's meow.  And that was how I met JT.

We spent the rest of my time at the party doing that meeting dance that the opposite sex does when it's sexually aroused by someone.  We hung out, we chatted, laughed, gossiped, sat together, and talked about our fetishes, likes and dislikes.  We didn't do anything except dance together, me grinding up on his cock, him threading his fingers thru my hair and yanking me up tight against his body, all six feet of it.  Yumm.

I added him to my yahoo that night when I got home, and he instant messaged me the next day.  He was fun, sweet, young, and sexy as hell.  What a welcome distraction.  Things blew up with Malcolm, and I didn't talk to JT for a couple of days, but he popped up online one night afterward, and we talked.  He was also fresh out of a relationship that had ended harshly, and we both agreed that some wallowing time together would be awesome.  I decided to ask him if he was interested in helping me host my group through the winter, and he was absolutely excited by the prospect, and by the idea behind it.  After spending a scorching weekend together (that's a whole OTHER blog), we're in negotiations on dates and locations for the BBW group.  I even have Ian's approval on my choice, and it's great to know that old friends won't give me their back simply because Malcolm and I are no longer a couple.

So always, the universe provides what you need to make it through.  How interesting. LOL.

Saying Goodbye

Breaking up with Malcolm has been devastating.  I knew it would be hard, should it ever happen, but I suppose I figured we'd manage it amicably enough and remain friends.  I never imagined he'd take all his rage and turn the entire situation around on me and call it my fault.

Back when Jachin was first moving in with Malcolm, I made an egregious error.  I'd started to figure out, at the time, that things with the baby mommas weren't as innocent as Malcolm proclaimed them to be.  He'd always denied any sexual liason with them, all the while planting his own hints and clues that he was lying.  I was sitting in the car with Jachin and I asked him "I just ask one thing.  If Malcolm is doing something so outrageous and ridiculous that it really makes me become his fool, please don't let me be ignorant.  I know about a ton of things that I'm ok with, because we are in an open relationship.  But if he ever, in your opinion, plays me for a fool, please don't let me be in the dark.  That's the worst kind of betrayal."  And of course that was my fear carried over from Jachin himself, because that's exactly what he had done to me.

He of course said no way.  He intended to have a blast with his new roomie, and made no bones about it to me.  I took a breath then and just realized that I'd have to let it go and trust to God that it would all turn out ok.

Jachin has taken a million opportunities, over the past months, to plant innuendos and doubt, and half truths in my ear.  Things like "Malcolm isn't being faithful to you, why won't you fuck me without feeling guilty?"  Or laughing when I repeat what Malcolm had told me himself about a woman who he had "fired", and Jachin taking the opportunity to say "Yeah, RIGHT!!".  Or Jachin telling me about their 3sums, with random women, or baby mommas, or even me.  Seems they really were having a right good time up in the man cave.  That is, until I got to read Medusa's own words about their 3sum with her.  A 3sum that Jachin had set up, and that Malcolm had agreed to.

I absolutely hold both of them accountable for hurting me with this.  Jachin because he only ever thought of his own needs and wants, and not about my feelings, and because it seemed to be his undying wish to get me to cheat on Malcolm, and Malcolm to cheat on me.  And of course Malcolm for just being an idiot and saying yes.

Malcolm holds me accountable for planting a spy, aka Jachin, in his home and for being worse than Medusa as a person.  He's severed our relationship completely, kind of after the fact, by saying there is a clear conflict of interest simply because I remain Jachin's friend, and he is not worthy of my friendship.  Malcolm condemns my naivete and trust in a person who he insists is clearly the most untrustworthy bastard on the planet.

I was so angry that he'd twist the scenario to be ALL my fault that I just wanted to launch a tirade.  But at the end of everything I had to make a choice about how I'd act.  I can't control other people, I can only control myself and my responses and reactions.  I still love Malcolm, despite it all.  I will always love him as the man who's hand I knelt in, the man who took time to love and cherish me and make me feel like more of a woman than I've ever felt in my whole life.  He taught me tons, regardless of his infidelities.  Some may call that a lack of self esteem, but the raw truth is that he was good for me in so many ways.  He helped me claim my womanhood, helped me realize the depth of my sexual potential, helped me embrace my BBW-ness, and forced me to look in the mirror at a woman I'd always felt was plain and raggedy and see how she can be the most glowing and beautiful creature no matter her hair color, length, curliness or lack thereof, weight, makeup etc.  He pushed my limits all the time to make me grow and experience new things.  He inspired me to have confidence in myself, and he made believe that I was worthy of being loved.  No matter the ending, it was all worth it while I was in it, and I'd do it again, with some changes.

So I wished him all the love and well being in the universe, and I hope he lives a remarkable life because he is a remarkable man.  Yes, I'm still angry about any number of things, but the truth is that I get to choose how I feel.  Did he cheat without being honest about it?  Yep.  Did he betray my feelings by engaging sexually with the Psycho Stalker Bitch?  Yep.  Did he lie to me about any number of sexual liasons he had going on?  Yep.  I understand him, forgive him, and love him for the man he is in his heart. 

Comfortably Numb

How did we get here? All the little silences along the way, the lack of time spent, the insinuations made.
A Giant Mistake.

I'm sad, and tired. And I miss him already, miss that reaching out to the other half of me, although it's never been a full half....maybe a third, or maybe one fifth. It wasn't enough in the end. I've not a doubt that he loves me to the best of his ability. I love him as much tonight as I always have. But the culmination of his lies and my insecurities has brought us to this point.

I can't change that he betrayed me with the one psychopath on earth that's an issue in my mind. I hope she enjoyed it, because she just cost him quite alot.

I hope in the future he and I can be friends. But our time together on the road is ending again, and I have to keep going.

I love you daddy, be well.

For Your Entertainment

I love my Dom, so much. My life is full because of my service to him, and he knows me, by now, well enough to anticipate my moods, my needs, and my desires. Our sex life often reflects his desire to be my Master, with him usually assuming the dominant positions and roles, pushing me to erase more and more of the lines that might restrict our pleasure, forcing me to accept things that might be uncomfortable, or embarrassing, or painful. Then showing me how those things will make me cum even harder.

My Dom has a definite kink, and it is something that I've never been comfortable talking about, not even yet. But though it is something that I'd never even have considered doing two years ago, I find it infecting my dreams now. He's insidious in his training methods, whispering to me, always whispering and infusing my subconscious with HIS wants needs and desires so that they inevitably become mine. I think the average person would pale and feel faint if they really knew what we did sexually. Many think that they want to know it all, Jachin did. But he found out, and he finds it hard to even talk to me about my sex life now, knowing what kinds of fantasies I fulfill for Malcolm. I suppose there are levels of freak-ness. I'm not at the level of people that like to be encased in latex and have their breathing cut off while they are being cut a thousand times. But I am most definitely my Master's sub.

I used the Adam Lambert video here because in A LOT of ways, my Master reminds me of him. Adam is drop dead gorgeous, and so is Malcolm. Adam has that instant sex appeal, and definitely so does Malcolm. Adam has that edge of danger to him, where you'd honestly believe he'd hurt you for pleasure. Malcolm has that intensity as well, he exudes his masculinity and sexuality like a fog around him. I've seen lesser men feel threatened by it, and watched womens eyes dilate with excitement when they see him. Adam seems like such a nice guy, but always has that edge. Malcolm genuinely IS a nice guy, but he most certainly has that edge and then some.

Today he absolutely shattered me sexually, so much so that he wasn't quite sure I was ok after. The extent of that orgasm was transcendent, and I experienced a total system shutdown afterward. I remember sucking his cock deep, I do so love to do that. He'd already made me cum downstairs on the futon, and we moved upstairs to his sanctum to continue. I crawled between his legs on the bed and felt him grow into my throat. I love when he's not fully hard, and I can play with his velvety smoothness in my mouth, then feel the head of his cock push it's way down my throat as his excitement grows from watching me take all of him that way. He'll put his hands on the back of my head and push me down as far as I can go, waiting for me to gag on him, loving the feel of that reflex and contraction on his cock.

I wanted to continue deep throating him, but he made me stop. He actually grabbed my hair and pulled me off his cock because he let me know that he wanted to lick my ass and fuck me long and hard in every hole I owned. He also wanted me to know that HE was in control, and I was to be obedient to him regardless that letting go of his cock was the last thing I wanted to do.  My mouth made a "pop" noise as he broke the suction, and a thick ribbon of spit came out, which he promptly licked and kissed off my face.

He had me scooch up the bed and get in a tight doggy position for him. His hand went into my sopping wet pussy and his mouth went straight for my ass as he rimmed and licked and tongue fucked me, all while fingering my spot to distraction. I knew he was excited and hard as a rock, and he decided to get his cock wet by fucking my drenched cunt, rolling himself in and over every wall inside, every spot that made me moan and beg for more from him. He loves hearing me get worked up, and he can tell by the cadence of my moans, and my pitch when I'm getting to a critical point. He uses those audio clues, along with the feel of my pussy contracting around his cock to know when he can push me to serve him well.

Malcolm loves to fuck my ass, could be there all day if he could find the time. Most of the time I love it too. Occasionally it hurts, especially if I'm not worked up enough when he decides to get to it. Sometimes it just hurts period, and no amount of being turned on will change that, but being hurt in another way will. But on the rare occasions that I am not hurting, and am so damn turned on I'm begging for it, and throwing myself into it with utter abandon, those are the moments that Malcolm strives for and basks in. This was one of those times.

His cock was glistening with my juice, and he prefers not to lube me artificially if he can help it. Somehow, even the most mundane and gentle of lubes can feel like it burns chemically in my ass. He was so wet, and so was I for that matter, that he just had to place the broad head of his cock against my hole, and press in with a steady constant pressure to have it open up like a flower in bloom. Malcolm is not a slouch where it concerns dick size and width, so even after all this time, he still stays himself at the beginning to give me a couple of moments to breathe into it, to let the crampy feeling subside, and to relax and just start fucking him back. He got wild then, his excitement taking over, as he slammed himself against me making sure that not even a millimeter of his cock was outside of my body. He'd rock his narrow hips against my ass literally burrowing inside of me trying to get deeper than ever.

This magical thing happens when we take anal sex to this level. I can feel his cock rubbing my spot right through that so thin membrane that separates my ass from my pussy. It happened this time, and it makes me push HARD, to the point that he has to slam himself back up in me to keep from getting pushed out. That pushes me over the edge and makes me come like a banshee, and it makes me squirt about a quart of cum. I remember screaming into the mattress, my face down while he felt my ass AND pussy contracting all around him, and I could feel the cum raining out of me for what felt like minutes, making a deep puddle on the bed. He had his hand in the stream, and was smearing it all over my back and ass, just fucking me like a mad man, slapping the bullshit out of my ass until it was red. He rubbed it all over his body as well, then leaned over me and fucked me while sliding his chest up and down my back, my own cum the lubricant between us. He leaned down to my ear, roughly grabbed a handful of my hair to pull it away from my face and to yank my head up to him "You like being my dirty nasty fucking whore?" "FUCK YES!!" I screamed back at him. "Yes WHO, damn you??" he demanded. I hesitated for a moment, and it was a moment too long as he wrapped my hair tighter around his fist and yanked again. "Yes Daddy" I purred, but he wasn't satisfied..."NOT good enough bitch, Yes WHO??" "Yes.....Master" I complied. I don't know why it was like yanking a tooth out to say it, it didn't come easy and he knew it. "You better remember that and remember who owns you." as he punctuated with his deep thrusts, his hand creeping back to my pussy to double penetrate me.

He did fuck both my holes for a moment, but wanted his cock in my pussy. So he switched, moaning at how hot and liquid I was, telling me how god damned good my pussy was. He once told me that he'd met other beautiful girls that were like stepping up to a Ferrari. They were elegant, exciting, and sleek, and he just wanted to work them up down and all around. But when he got inside that beautiful Ferrari, it was missing a damn gear, and couldn't go any faster than 45 MPH. He finds women that are restrictive or controlling or neurotic to be just that. A beautiful car that isn't fully functional and ultimately disappointing. I'd asked him then, well what the hell am I?? He looked at me with that look he gives me that's filled with the promise of a mess to come, and said I was like his Ducati Monster. I was Bad Ass, Hot Rod, Beautiful, and did things that would make other men shudder or run away.  I was special simply because I wasn't for everyone, I required a special hand to know what to do with me.  But that when the evolved man got ahold of me, it was the most amazing ride ever. LOLOL though a part of me would rather be a Bentley, I do acknowledge that I'm happy to be more about functionality rather than exterior. And after all, HE is the Bentley of this relationship, and God KNOWS he's CERTAINLY not missing any gears. :)

 It wasn't long after moving to my pussy that he came. I know it came as a surprise to him that it had happened, because he was trying to slow down, and then just did this "OH OH OH" thing and slammed himself back into my ass while he came buckets. His toes curled. LOL we raced each other to the shower, and he lovingly washed my back while I lathered my hair. He always finishes showering first, and he went back to the bedroom to clean up the nasty sheets while I finished rinsing. It was early still, and he wanted to rest and watch a movie together, so we did, but I was still feeling one orgasm that was stuck up inside of me. I could feel it when I'd move my pelvis, it was this pressure. I did start to rub my clit while he held me but the movie got good, and we just laid together to watch it. As it finally ended, Malcolm was tired and wanted a good half hour's nap before getting up to go to work. I had tried to let it go and forget about it so I laid there with him just feeling the mild burning of THAT SPOT. He'd triggered it briefly when he'd fucked my pussy for a minute before he came last time, and it just wouldn't be ignored. I did try to pull away from him but he wouldn't let me go, and he took my hand and put it in my pussy, encouraging me to rub it. I was so wet, he could hear it squelching, and he sat up to watch me do it. I do find it mildly disconcerting to masturbate in front of him, in the daylight no less, but I shut my eyes and just concentrated on feeling...everything. It was his undoing. He was hard again.

He pushed into me, and told me to keep rubbing my clit as he fucked me. Fuck...it felt so amazing, his cock hitting my spot, and my fingers dancing over my clit. But as he fucked me deep and slow, my clit dried up. I asked him to wet my clit, thinking he could just drag the wet tip of his cock over it and I'd be good, but he took it to mean I wanted his tongue, and he went down on me. Holy God...it was just what I needed. My clit was so swollen and his tongue was so hot, but there was still one thing missing. His Hand.

I pushed his hand, and he knew, he put his fingers up there and I could feel it then, it started in my scalp, radiating out and prickling the back of my neck and making my nipples pucker up. It made this heat blossom inside, in my uterus, and then as I breathed like a small train going up Everest, it broke, and I lost my fucking mind. I screamed like someone was knifing me, continued to fuck his hand until I almost broke it, and it just went on and on and on. I know somewhere in the midst of it, he snatched his hand back before I really did break his fingers off, and slammed his cock home so he'd be able to feel the contractions. They were hard, and they were long lasting and deep. It's not an ordinary orgasm when this happens, it's almost a full body orgasm, and I know he feels the difference when he fucks me through it. He says it feels like my pussy is chewing on his cock almost, it's that hard and intense. Regardless, it made him cum a second time AND made him lose HIS mind. He screamed and his eyes fell out and rolled around the floor with mine for awhile. LOL, it's our joke now that when I cum intensely, my eyes fall out because my face literally bruises around my eyes. Try explaining THAT to your doctor. :)

Because of the movie we'd watched, we didn't have time for a nap. I was a wreck, my legs were shaking, I had no strength in my arms or hands, and I just wanted to pass out. He wasn't feeling much better, but we both sucked it up and hit the road. I do know I served him well because he called me about 12 times from work to let me know what an awesome morning he'd had, and I concurred, thinking to myself that it would probably be a week before I needed any sex again, if I even recovered that fast, LOL. It was amazing, as always, and he marked and scented me again. I do belong to him, it's just that simple.

Yes, Master.

Remembering Three Wonderful Days...The Drive Home

The alarm clock was set for 5:10 am, but both of us woke up beforehand.  The drapes in the motel room were shut, but cracks of light were still streaming in, and we were conditioned to wake early to get ready.  We were both positively exhausted, but on this, the last day of the Trek, I was working at the very 1st rest stop, so I had to get out and get there so that prep would be finished in time for the first riders coming through.  So I thought.

Malcolm wasn't feeling up to Day 3.  He was hurting, his knees and ankles aching and sore.  He didn't want to do it, he wanted to quit.  I was speechless, quite frankly, I'd never figured that he WOULDN'T finish.  I told him to not make a decision immediately, to wait until after breakfast.  I asked if he'd come be a volunteer in the tent with me, and he looked at me like I was clinically insane.  Obviously I hadn't understood that his edict was for both of us.  WE were done.  He shooshed me gently, shut off the alarm, and curled into me to have us both get another couple of hours of sleep.

I was rather devastated.  I tried to build myself up to argue.  The volunteers were short handed, they were counting on me being there.  But here is where being in a D/s relationship can be difficult.  As my dom, he expects my compliance and obedience.  He'll listen to my argument, but the final decision is his.  I struggled to comply, to not get angry and rail against him and do what I wanted to do, which was to stay and honor my commitment.  However, we are not just two individuals hanging out together.  We are a couple, we are a family.  The needs of the family outweigh the needs of the individual.  I got that from Star Trek, Mr Spock.

As if to punctuate Malcolm's point, when we got to Colby to pick up his bike, it had a flat.  Now, yes there were a thousand options to have it repaired right there.  But Malcolm took it as one more sign that we were done.  Aside from the pain and marked lack of motivation he was experiencing, one of the biggest things that was bothering him was the fact that he didn't know the upcoming route, and he was tired of nasty surprises.  From the terrain map we'd been given, Day 3 was an awful day with many many highs and lows.

I texted my volunteer leader to let her know I was going to be unable to join them, feeling terrible and guilty.  Malcolm knew I was really struggling with obedience and conscience, and we went to eat breakfast.  I was, by this time, extremely sick of scrambled eggs with pancakes or french toast, since it was what we'd eaten every morning.  But free is a hard thing to pass up, so we partook, sitting with an almost 50 something woman who was getting ready for her final day's ride.  I almost thought that conversation with her would guilt him into it, into needing to finish, but no...he was set on his course.  He did want to make me feel better though, and so as we drove away, he told me he wanted to drive the last route, and see for himself what he'd have been up against, and what he intended to actually complete in 2011.  Truthfully, as I drove away with him, the knot of frustration loosened up and went away, and I was glad to just be able to spend the day with him leisurely, enjoying his company after such a hectic weekend.

So we drove from Waterville to Belfast on a gorgeous scenic drive, Malcolm interjecting here and there some hilarious quips like "You gotta be JOKING, look at the size of that hill!", or "See that guy?  He's wishing he were dead right about now.". LOLOL, we laughed, he held my hand, and we drove to the sea, just finally happy to be with each other.

From Belfast, we decided to take Rt 1 to get home.  Another gorgeous drive along the coast, we chatted about wealth, and people from away, and about being party hosts.  We talked about how wonderful it was to not be hosting right now, to just have time with each other whenever we wanted, to just be able to give each other our total sexual attention.  But we did both recognize that we'd probably want to host again come the fall.  Malcolm decided he wanted lobster, so we stopped at a little roadside shack that sold them, and he bought them on ice to take home.  We passed by my massage therapy school, and I got to reminisce about all the drives out to Waldoboro I'd taken while completing my certification.  It was a remarkably wonderful day, sunny and hot again, clear and beautiful.

As we arrived home, we unpacked his bike and bags, and I went up to the Man-Cave for a bit.  I was eager to be home because I missed my daughter, and I wanted family time with her as well.  Malcolm wanted to get to HIS daughter and get his family time in too, so we hugged for a long time, and kissed, and grossed Jachin out with our "lovey dovey" shit.  I do think it's funny that Jachin has the nerve to get uncomfortable with Malcolm and I being amorous after all the times I've had to watch him with whoever, or listen to his stories of the latest escapade.  Yet he'll sit at his computer and alternate between being pissed off and getting turned on while he listens to Malcolm fucking me repeatedly.  He's kind of becoming the creepy old man lurker.  The only thing missing is him actually standing in the doorway watching us while he fondles himself. LOLOL

I got in the car to drive home then, so tired I was having a hard time.  Malcolm just knew, somehow that I needed to hear his voice, so he called while I was driving, and kept me talking so that I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel.  I drove home like that, with him tucked into my ear, his uber deep sexy voice purring to me, making me laugh, making me remember every last erotic detail, and finally getting me into my driveway safely.  My daughter, who I'd picked up on the way went upstairs with me to go take a much coveted nap, and we snuggled together in our big bed, hugging each other and bringing the weekend to a sweet close.