So Cold

I've been using a saying on my pages.  Something to the effect of :  "If I am in love with the sun, I will get burned. So I must be the phoenix, and forever be reborn from the ashes. To live without my sun is to live in darkness, and to always be cold."

I am so cold lately.  Cold inside, cold outside, like some nascent creeping ice formed inside of my core and is just growing and growing, like a cancer inside. I'm sitting here now shivering, unable to find any spark inside to warm myself.  Unfortunately, I can't seek my covers until I vomit this blog out of my head.

Malcolm and I have started speaking to each other again, trying to at least be friends, maybe find some peace or solace from the other.  I'm not really sure what we're doing, honestly.  I know that he is the sun in my world, and his gravity pulls at me constantly, wanting to reach out to the man that was both my heart and my soul if only to touch and make that connection just one more time.  To try and find that spark, that heat that he surrounded me with every day that he was the center of my world.  I saw him last week, we went shopping together for the briefest moment, only to pick up something at WalMart that he needed, and then we went our own ways again.  A glancing kiss, but nothing else to hint that there was so much more.

Maybe I shouldn't have forced more, but really....I wanted to hold him for a second.  I needed his hug.  But his face.  I came towards him and his face was so hard and blank, still steeled with anger.  I never imagined he'd ever look at me that way, ever.  He relented, his face softening for a fraction of a second only, and he gave me that hug.  He wasn't into it though, and he couldn't wait for it to be over.  I knew then that something had died in him too, and the cold inside me began to grow.

This past weekend I had to attend an Affinity event as a co-host.  It's strange giving up that control and trusting someone to do a great job.  But the new hosts did just that.  They delivered a great party with many many happy guests.  I got to mingle, and dance, and chat and socialize.  I laughed, I joked, I kissed.  And I was never so acutely aware of being alone.  I ghosted through the Inn, listening to Journey's Open Arms, and I realized how numb inside I'd become.  I spent time with men and women who tried their damndest to make me cum.  And I felt......nothing.  There wasn't that orgasmic spark to reach for, there was silence.  All I could give them was fake because I just had nothing to give.  Dead Inside.

He called today to check how the party was.  I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how far I've sunk.  I did venture to tell him "I missed you this weekend".  "At the party?"  he asked.  "Yes" I answered.  "I wouldn't have been there anyways." he responded to me.  "I know." I ended.

Welcome back, Ice Princess.