Saying Goodbye

Breaking up with Malcolm has been devastating.  I knew it would be hard, should it ever happen, but I suppose I figured we'd manage it amicably enough and remain friends.  I never imagined he'd take all his rage and turn the entire situation around on me and call it my fault.

Back when Jachin was first moving in with Malcolm, I made an egregious error.  I'd started to figure out, at the time, that things with the baby mommas weren't as innocent as Malcolm proclaimed them to be.  He'd always denied any sexual liason with them, all the while planting his own hints and clues that he was lying.  I was sitting in the car with Jachin and I asked him "I just ask one thing.  If Malcolm is doing something so outrageous and ridiculous that it really makes me become his fool, please don't let me be ignorant.  I know about a ton of things that I'm ok with, because we are in an open relationship.  But if he ever, in your opinion, plays me for a fool, please don't let me be in the dark.  That's the worst kind of betrayal."  And of course that was my fear carried over from Jachin himself, because that's exactly what he had done to me.

He of course said no way.  He intended to have a blast with his new roomie, and made no bones about it to me.  I took a breath then and just realized that I'd have to let it go and trust to God that it would all turn out ok.

Jachin has taken a million opportunities, over the past months, to plant innuendos and doubt, and half truths in my ear.  Things like "Malcolm isn't being faithful to you, why won't you fuck me without feeling guilty?"  Or laughing when I repeat what Malcolm had told me himself about a woman who he had "fired", and Jachin taking the opportunity to say "Yeah, RIGHT!!".  Or Jachin telling me about their 3sums, with random women, or baby mommas, or even me.  Seems they really were having a right good time up in the man cave.  That is, until I got to read Medusa's own words about their 3sum with her.  A 3sum that Jachin had set up, and that Malcolm had agreed to.

I absolutely hold both of them accountable for hurting me with this.  Jachin because he only ever thought of his own needs and wants, and not about my feelings, and because it seemed to be his undying wish to get me to cheat on Malcolm, and Malcolm to cheat on me.  And of course Malcolm for just being an idiot and saying yes.

Malcolm holds me accountable for planting a spy, aka Jachin, in his home and for being worse than Medusa as a person.  He's severed our relationship completely, kind of after the fact, by saying there is a clear conflict of interest simply because I remain Jachin's friend, and he is not worthy of my friendship.  Malcolm condemns my naivete and trust in a person who he insists is clearly the most untrustworthy bastard on the planet.

I was so angry that he'd twist the scenario to be ALL my fault that I just wanted to launch a tirade.  But at the end of everything I had to make a choice about how I'd act.  I can't control other people, I can only control myself and my responses and reactions.  I still love Malcolm, despite it all.  I will always love him as the man who's hand I knelt in, the man who took time to love and cherish me and make me feel like more of a woman than I've ever felt in my whole life.  He taught me tons, regardless of his infidelities.  Some may call that a lack of self esteem, but the raw truth is that he was good for me in so many ways.  He helped me claim my womanhood, helped me realize the depth of my sexual potential, helped me embrace my BBW-ness, and forced me to look in the mirror at a woman I'd always felt was plain and raggedy and see how she can be the most glowing and beautiful creature no matter her hair color, length, curliness or lack thereof, weight, makeup etc.  He pushed my limits all the time to make me grow and experience new things.  He inspired me to have confidence in myself, and he made believe that I was worthy of being loved.  No matter the ending, it was all worth it while I was in it, and I'd do it again, with some changes.

So I wished him all the love and well being in the universe, and I hope he lives a remarkable life because he is a remarkable man.  Yes, I'm still angry about any number of things, but the truth is that I get to choose how I feel.  Did he cheat without being honest about it?  Yep.  Did he betray my feelings by engaging sexually with the Psycho Stalker Bitch?  Yep.  Did he lie to me about any number of sexual liasons he had going on?  Yep.  I understand him, forgive him, and love him for the man he is in his heart.