Spring Fling, Part 2

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Spring Fling, part 1

Gearing up for an event always makes me a little crazy. The endless demands people make to convenience themselves at our expense irritate me even while Malcolm does his best to reassure me that it will turn out just fine, like it always does. This weekend we are hosting our BBW Spring Fling, and hosting it in MA, hoping to accommodate some of our MA and NH BBW's and BBW Lovers. We found this awesome 2 bed king suite situated in Tewksbury, not too far, and right off the Pike. And the price was awesome as well. It seemed like a win-win, though that waits to be seen.

The quality of the men that consistently attend the BBW events is unsurpassed. Malcolm is an incredible specimen of a man, beautiful, riveting, ripped, hung, and talented. He likes hosting in MA because his "brothers" come out to join us, and they are all such freakin hot eye candy. I'm normally less than enthusiastic about looking at men because most of them can't beat Malcolm for looks and body, and everything else I love about him. But honest to goodness, these guys are just fucking HOT. Really.

Malcolm and I enjoy ourselves immensely at these events. They are much more relaxed than the Affinity events, much less structured. It's a come and go as you will kind of party, and we pretty much just hang out and make merry with everyone. No buffet to fuss over, no Inn or Bartenders to make happy, no DJ to worry about. And since we are IN the "hospitality rooms" for the entire party, no worries about what's going on when we're not looking. It makes for a really fun weekend for us with minimal stress.

Malcolm extended an unprecedented offer to Jachin for this party. Malcolm was of course dead set against my allowing Medusa 1 to attend the Affinity party, but after hearing that she didn't act like a fool, at least that I knew of, he decided to let Jachin know that he was welcome to escort her to our BBW Spring Fling. Jachin regularly pleads for Medusa 1 to be allowed back into the Man Cave, from which she was banned for behavioral reasons. Malcolm has stood firm, balking at changing his mind over someone he doesn't think can act right. So Malcolm told Jachin, thru me, that he should bring her to our party tomorrow night. Should she behave decently, he might be inclined to begin to reconsider his position.

I thought Jachin would be thrilled by the invite. But OMG no. The answer was a very shrill and adamant NO! Alrighty then. I'm sure he has his reasons, known only to him, and I could speculate on them and probably come pretty close to the mark on it. Malcolm's voiced his opinion...something to the effect that Jachin only takes her to "safe" parties where she's pretty much guaranteed to not meet anyone that she'd genuinely like to fuck. Again, this is all speculation, God only knows the real reasons. Of course ours is genuinely a BBW/BBC party, and that makes Jachin extremely extremely uncomfortable. That many beautiful single black men all available for a girls wildest fantasy and pleasure.... mmm hmmm.

Of course she'd have to deal with seeing Malcolm and I fuck, and fuck repeatedly. Have to deal with watching him lick and drink my pussy like nectar, watch as he makes me cum for him over and over again. I'd probably refrain from engaging in sexual activity with Jachin, for the sake of every one's comfort. Malcolm might not like that, but with so many other men to engage myself with, I'm sure he'd forgive the slight.

So the offer goes unfilled. I hope Jachin realizes that it took Malcolm some fortitude to extend it in the first place. Took him putting his feelings on the matter aside to be fair. I personally think Jachin is reinforcing his perceived inability to share by digging in his heels and saying NO! so adamantly. But things will carry on like they were, and Jachin has missed an opportunity to get what he seemed to want so damn bad: Man Cave Rights.

Speaking Honestly

I've been thinking about this blog for a few days now, not really sure how to verbalize what I'm feeling without sounding too mushy or redundant. I think by now everyone on the planet has a pretty good idea that I'm down and dirty in love with Malcolm. And maybe I spend a lot of time going on about my feelings so that I don't have to worry about the teeny tiny insecurity of whether or not he loves me back.

Women have the innate capacity to create whole scenarios in their minds that don't exist in real life. It's based on what they want and expect, especially from men, and really has little to do with what the man wants and expects. Women are trained from early on to expect a man to be her boyfriend, to expect the boyfriend to eventually become her husband, and to have children, a family, and eventually grow old and die with that person. I believe that is what is referred to as "the fairy tale". But what do guys want? Well, they don't usually want or expect that. Mostly they just want as much pussy as they can get in their quest to stick their cocks in as many on the planet as they can convince to let them. Guys like freedom, they like variety, they like the chase. Most guys anyway... I'll give credit to the few that really do want the whole wife/kids/family/death thing.

I was still fairly naive when I started dating Jachin. I still believed that I could listen to the words he said to me about wanting to be with me, wanting to create a fairy tale, and giving him a chance, and that somehow they would be truthful. After 6 years with him, I finally understood the game somewhat, but still not really. Until Malcolm. Malcolm was a guy who was willing to take the time to patiently explain the game to me as I was watching it. He was always matter of fact, cautioning me to keep my emotions out of, teaching me how to think more like a man, and leave the silliness of the emotional behind. As a woman myself, I've always been more analytical than emotional anyways, always grasped more onto the common sense than the fantasies, and always been able to pretty much deal with "it is what it is." Malcolm liked that about me a whole lot, and was willing to work with me so that I could understand what it was that was really happening, since I just didn't have the background or real life experience to get it on my own. It was this patience of Malcolm's that stopped me from turning my rage and disappointment in Jachin to all out hatred.

Malcolm and I have had many talks. But lately, since we've worked things out and really decided to be a couple, he's taking it more seriously than I'd ever hoped or dreamed. I always worry that the other shoe will drop, and the rug will get pulled out from under me, like it was with Jachin. I worry about strange women interfering in me and my daughter's life for no other reason than they think that they have a right to steal away the man that has chosen to be with me, just like how it was with Jachin then and now. But with Malcolm it's never been like that. There was the one issue two years ago with the baby momma, but he shut it down immediately. Other than that, I am untouchable, a sacred thing in his life that he will not let another woman fuck with. Period.

So we talked the other day, and almost started to argue about him and the baby mommas, simply because at the root, he's not essentially happy with how he has to act in order to keep the peace. And his unhappiness affects me, and makes me want to make things better, fix things for him so that he is happy. But in matters of children and their mother's, there isn't a fix. I become idealistic and a bit unreasonable, expecting these women to live up to my standards and expectations of behavior in a model, civil world. But that isn't real life, it's a fairy tale too. So our discussion got a little heated, and we both decided it was a good time to break the conversation. But I realized, in the end, that his life "is what it is". There isn't a quick easy fix to it, and things really can't change at this point, not for the better anyways. They could be much much worse. Ultimately my decision is to stay and deal, or leave. Do I love him enough to stay and put up with the baggage? Or is it too much?

The honest to God truth is that I've never been happier with a man. I feel loved beyond reason, I feel protected and cherished. I feel valued and appreciated. I feel coveted, I feel WANTED. I feel everything a man is supposed to make a woman feel, and I'm so much more than content. The baggage, yeah it bites. But not enough to make me leave this miracle of a man to settle for something so much less. I texted him an apology for starting the argument, and told him that I loved him. He called me back to let me know he wasn't mad, and that he understood my opinion and how in a perfect world I'd be right. That was how we came to concensus, and I decided to be honest with him about a whole lot of everything, including Jachin.

I told him I trusted him unconditionally, that I felt like I could breathe when I was with him, and know that everything would be ok. It's hard to trust someone like that, to not worry that they aren't gonna fuck it all up while you take a moment out of the game. But I do with him. I trust him enough to kneel in his palm and allow him to direct the way. I trust him with my well being and safety, with my sexual life, and with my heart. I've always blogged it before, but never told him outright. And we had an honest conversation about me and sex, and other men. I told him I'd decided awhile back, last summer to be exact, that seeing other men was pointless. Though I'd engaged a couple guys for play back then on occasion, it didn't satisfy me sexually, only left me horny for Malcolm....and I hated that these guys would, on occasion, show up uninvited. That was creepy. So I put an end to it all, using the jealous boyfriend excuse, and happily waited for the times when I could just be with Malcolm. The only other men that I've seen in a one on one situation was Ian, with Malcolm's blessing, and Jachin. And that just didn't work out either.

I'd told Malcolm in the past that going forward, I only wanted to know if he saw other people. I just wanted both of us to be upfront and honest about it as a fairness thing. I knew that he definitely wanted to know about what I was doing, and for awhile didn't really care either way. But the game changed after we came back together after my uncle's death. Malcolm suddenly did care, and quite a lot.
He didn't want me to see other guys at all anymore, he wanted me to be chaste to him unless we could play together. I was fine with that as long as he was giving me the same thing, which I had no real reason to doubt, except for the fact that Jachin would insinuate these "things" about Malcolm without actually saying anything. I don't think Jachin was lying, but I do know that any man that actively tries to sabotage another man's relationship has motives that are questionable. And there was no doubt that Jachin was trying to plant enough doubt about Malcolm in my mind that I'd leave him. Do I think that maybe Malcolm was seeing other women? Yep, I do. And it made me a little pissed that he couldn't be honest with me the way he expected me to be honest with him. Somehow though, I started thinking about the nature of our relationship, about our pact that neither of us believed in monogamy as a lifestyle choice. Thinking about that made me realize that at the end of every encounter, he always came back to me, no matter what. Just like at parties, when he enjoys himself with other women, I always know without a shadow of a doubt that he's looking forward to being with me as my partner and mate.

Patience and understanding have never been virtues that I've had in abundance. But I have had them with Malcolm, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because the waiting always pays off. Or maybe it's because he calms and soothes me enough to practice both patience and understanding. Regardless of the reasons, I found out over the past few days that having had both has put me in the place I've always dreamed of: a genuine equal partnership with a man who shows me his love by his actions as much as by his words. He told me today that he intends, going forward, to be upfront with me about his goings on. That he wants to do things WITH me, not behind my back. That he loves me, and enjoys our life together. Especially enjoys our sex life, and doesn't feel the need to seek out anything else. That he doesn't want the hassle of women acting neurotic the same way I don't want the hassle of other men acting like idiots. I hadn't thought it possible to feel any more in love with someone. But this feeling, like being a vessel that is poured full, to the brim. That's how I feel, I feel so full of his love, and I feel so amazingly happy that he's declared it all real for me, as real to him as it is to me. It's also amazing that he knows me so intimately, so very very WELL. He knows my fears, and he knows how to soothe them, one by one, until I'm laying curled by his side breathing his rhythm and basking in his scent, completely and totally his. It's a battle he's waged well, and with incredible skill, to allay my many fears. I count myself fortunate to have a man that loves me so very much, so openly, and so thoroughly.

Thank you God.

Men In Kilts

This past weekend we hosted Fetish Night. I had my reservations, worrying that the theme was too hardcore for our members, too risque. The attendance was down this month, and I figured it was because of the theme, even though there was another huge party going on this weekend in good ole New Brunswick.

Words really can't express how extraordinary this party was. It was honestly our best to date, certainly our most memorable. The party was amazing, the food and party games were off the hook, and the hospitality rooms...holy god.

Malcolm had promised to be there, knowing how important this night was to me. As my master, it was his obligation to be there to keep me. It was also our night to reaffirm our D/s relationship, and to break in my brand new collar. Last month, although the party was a roaring success (BiFem Night), all my stuff got stolen, including my toy bag, which contained my much loved collar. That old collar was a conundrum. Jachin had originally purchased it for me, had hand picked it out along with the unusual attachment. It was a one of a kind collar, beautiful, expensive, and unique. He and I wore it once during sex play and he discovered that he hated the thing because it covered too much of my neck, and he couldn't choke the mess out of me when I was wearing it. So we really never used it again. Malcolm collared me with it though, and it had a whole new life. I was sad to lose it, Malcolm had loved it as well. But somehow starting over has been exciting as well. This new collar is not burdened with memories of another lover. It is pure, and it is Malcolm and I as Master and Sub.

Malcolm had to be in Boston this weekend, but he proved his love to me yet again by making the drive back to Maine to Ogunquit, staying for the majority of the party, and then having to drive back to Boston in the wee hours of the morning. He could have changed his mind, I could honestly tell he wanted to. But he knew how much it meant to me, and he didn't want to leave me alone again this month. He wanted to be by my side. And he made it. I didn't see him when he first arrived, but when someone said to me "Hey! Look who it is!" My head turned and my eyes lit up. I ran to him, and jumped into his arms. He laughed his special laugh for me when he is delighted by my love and affection. And we went up to Ian's room to get him changed into his outfit for the night.

I can't honestly think of a stronger statement of masculinity than to wear a kilt. You have to be sure of who you are, ready to rock it, ready to look at someone who wants to jeer at you and say "Yeah, AND?" As you can see above, it was a kilt kind of night. Women were mopping up their chins, and my beautiful Malcolm had all the women agog at him as he pranced in his hand made kilt, even in the midst of the other two who had more beautifully made garments. He said he still loved his best. LOL. He changed into his ensemble, making sure to be totally naked underneath. It's only a kilt if you are, otherwise, if you're wearing undies, it's just a man-skirt, so says our awesome DJ, as shown on the left. LOLOL. Once Malcolm was dressed, and had his bad ass boots on as well, I showed him the box full of new sub items that had arrived for me. Normally the sub and her master would shop together, but Malcolm had me describe everything I was ordering, and gave his approval. I made sure to get all the accessories to go with it, and he methodically and patiently locked me into my new collar, wrist cuffs, and ankle cuffs.

I felt beautiful last night. More beautiful than I have in a long time. It was reflected apparently since I was handed many many complements. But it can't even begin to compare to how I felt after I was collared. I truly BECAME Lilith, smoky eyed, insatiable, and totally devoted to my Master. Collaring has always been exciting for me, but last night, shackled, I never felt more radiant in my servitude. In my slip corset, ankles bound, and barefoot...padlocks on all my cuffs...I belonged to him utterly. His hand on my leash left no uncertainty to anyone that I was his property. And being his has it's amazing benefits. I am sheltered and protected as a thing of great worth, as his displeasure and wrath are a scary and ferocious thing. I am cared for by everyone who clucks and fusses over me, making sure I am ok. The men are honor bound to keep me safe and happy. The women cherish me as Himself's favored woman. It's a hard concept to verbalize, but in this dog eat dog world, my servitude to Malcolm as his sub puts his stamp on me whether or not he is present in the room, and I am wrapped in a cocoon of his making even when he cannot be with me. It is the most wonderful and loved feeling I have ever known.

He was ravenous last night. And he was incredible. When he began to play, the kilt came off, convenient as it was, and he was unstoppable. I love to watch him as he is so breathtakingly beautiful. His lithe lean body movements are so fluid, so graceful. And I love to see those women clutch the bed sheets, and moan, and scream. I love to see them amazed at the power of the first orgasm, surprised at the intensity of the second, and a little scared by the third and possibility of more. I love to see them beg for time out, and then sit up and look at him a little dazed. I especially love to see when he decides he's going to fuck them. He'll roll the condom on, struggling if it's not a Magnum, and then enter them in one steady and firm downstroke until his balls slap their ass. Then he'll roll into them, undulating like a belly dancer, and I know what that feels like, how that cock rubs up against every conceivable spot in your pussy, and how the sensation is overwhelming. When he begins to power thrust the moaning begins and he'll crook his hand at me sometimes to come over and kiss him, or lick their clit, or rub them or just come closer so that he can have his hand on His sub.

I'm allowed to pick and choose who I'll play with, so long as I'm available to him at any moment. He likes to stop for a break and watch me. He says he feels the same about me as I do about him, and he finds me beautiful when I am doing what it is that I do. He loves watching me suck cock and will encourage me on, asking the recipient if he likes what he is feeling. He loves to watch me fuck, but he especially looks forward to watching me cum. He will stop whatever he is doing when he hears me cumming, will stop and look for me and he will get so hard and aroused to see me squirt for another man, or hear me scream in orgasm. He also knows when I'm faking with someone, and will come to rescue me, immediately. My punishment for faking is to have him command me to cum, and he will be relentless with me until I cum for real, several times.

Last night I got to enjoy so much bisexual play. It was my joy to have my girlfriend sit over my mouth and let me lick her while Malcolm first ate me, then fucked me, bareback, for all to see him claiming me as his own. That moment in time was burned into my memory, and will serve to get me off several times this week. We didn't get to do any of our hardcore play afterwards. Malcolm had a long drive back, and I talked to him for a good portion of it to help him stay awake. I actually cut our phone conversation short because I was getting choked up. I hate being apart from him. Call me a baby, but his removing my sub gear, and releasing me makes me cry. I didn't want him to go although I understood why. The depth of his love for me, however, humbled me to the point of tears, and I didn't want him to hear me sniffling and start feeling bad. He captured my heart even tighter this weekend, and he knows.

I was very lucky to have a couple stay with me thru the night, both to cuddle with and to fuck. I was well satisfied, and satisfied them well. LOL, but Malcolm and I are unfinished, and I am looking forward to being in his bed again so he can mark me.