PreParty Fun!

Today was a blur of activity from the moment I woke until this moment I'm sitting to write. I woke to Malcolm's call this morning, and we decided that some personal time was sorely needed. Alot of it is knowing I'm going into a party without him, and I need his mark on me, psychologically, before I'm going to do other men. He didn't fail me. Tonight after Ian arrived early, we had the pleasure of receiving our special girlfriend Violet for a visit. We had an impromptu "preparty" with her as she can't make it to the Affinity party. I was pretty well done after having spent the morning getting fucked to death by Malcolm, and then spending the better part of an hour in the afternoon repeating the act with Ian. I had the honor of being a limited participant, and got to be the primary camera person. Here are some of our pictures, including my most awesome "mark" by Malcolm.

Getting Ready for NYE

I took some time to blog on my other site, to attempt to retain the separation of what is appropriate for this blogsite, and then what is not. My original idea for this site, after all, being that it should be about Malcolm's and my relationship, and our adventures in the lifestyle. That doesn't mean I don't have other stuff to blog about, it just means it needed to be said in a different forum.

We are preparing for our New Year's Eve party, and I am starting to feel the stress. The DJ is paid, the rooms are rented, and we're still waiting for alot of our couples to pay, which is always the case. I hate waiting for the money, it makes me crazy. But it'll work out, it usually does. And if not, well, then we'll make it work next time.

Ian and I are working on the catering together. He'll be taking care of the hot items, and I'll be creating the platters. I'm ordering the petit fours, and making some other deserts, as well as creating some high end dips for the occasion. I'm having fun planning, and will have even more fun making it all work. We're hanging a balloon drop, and will be decorating all out as well. It's going to be an event to remember. I'm really psyched, but Ian is calling me to focus, and to finish planning the buffet. Gotta go!

All I Want for Christmas is.......You

I do love being able to give gifts. I can't always afford lavish things, but I am very frugal, know how to work a discount, and can usually pinpoint something that I believe someone will really like and come close to fulfilling the need. I listen to people, I watch them through the year, and I file away thoughts. It works wonders with my daughter, who will be overjoyed with her gifts this year even though I managed to keep it under 300.00 and still achieve alot of stuff. I've made some gifts for those I know will appreciate them, some knitted items, some baked goods. And I did shop carefully for Malcolm, trying to get things that would please him.

I honestly didn't expect him to reciprocate. In the long years with Jachin, he and I never really exchanged gifts. It hasn't been until the last 2 years that Jachin has been quite extravagant with me at Christmas time, almost overwhelmingly so since I can't come close, money wise, to what he's spending on me. Jachin, when he sets his mind to it, is an amazing gifter. Malcolm and I didn't exchange gifts last Holiday...it didn't seem appropriate yet. And this year, I wasn't expecting it simply because I know how much he has to purchase for all his children. It's a ton, and the last thing I want is for him to be strapped because of me.

A couple of weeks ago, Malcolm led me on this conversation about our likes and dislikes. I know he's a nutjob for bicycle parts. I could buy him a box of parts, assorted, and he'd begin to hyperventilate. But he doesn't really see what gets me like that. He knows I like crafting supplies, that I become a little light headed in the beading section. But he also knows that, like him and his bicycle parts, the LAST thing I need is MORE craft stuff. It's really overwhelming how much I have. I'm a newly proclaimed Yarn Whore since I discovered the Knifty Knitter, but Jachin took care of that with 2 ginormous boxes of yarn. I'm so set on yarn it's sick. I'm not a jewelry girl, I don't even have my ears pierced anymore. I like fun bohemian pieces, but I'm not the kind of girl that will slaver over a specific cut of diamond versus another. It just doesn't do me like that. So, it was at that moment in the conversation that my friend showed up with a new Crock Pot for me, and I felt all warm and tingly inside when I saw it. This new thing is HUGE, and wonderful. So I told Malcolm I loved small kitchen appliances. Innocently thinking, at the time, that he was just wanting to know more about me. LOLOL, nope! He was trying to get a clue about what to get me for Christmas.

I love to blog, but that doesn't require anything on his part except for him being a part of the story. What I really want more than anything is just his attention and time. He's been so giving this year, calling me everyday to chat and laugh, to tell me he loves me. He'd actually asked Jachin to find out what I wanted for him, which I really really thought was adorable. Jachin kinda huffed and told him "Whatever you get her, don't get her a bluetooth!", LOLOL, seeing as that was his very special gift to me already. Jachin was tired of me trying to talk to him via speaker phone when I was driving. So I told Jachin to tell him that I wanted a Date Night. Malcolm was less than impressed with this suggestion....He wanted me to have something to open. So I have no idea what I'm getting, and whatever he decides on will be amazing simply because it comes from him. I don't think he can honestly understand that he is the gift I want to keep enjoying most of all, as often as I'm given the chance to do so. Time with him is so precious, so coveted, I can't honestly think of something I want more than just him loving me.

We'll be exchanging our gifts after the holiday so that we can have real time together without the kids banging the doors down. Malcolm, I love you baby. Oh...and you're gonna LOVE what I got you!!

Hope is the Greatest of the Gifts We Receive

Last year I waxed on poetic about my Ice King Malcolm and how he was Belief, and how I was Hope, and what that meant...read on...

"Malcolm is certain, he is the harbinger of the end, and the herald for the new. I mentioned this before because he was born on New Year's Eve. He is the bridge between a life already lived, and one imminently about to BEGIN. He has to have strong beliefs and convictions to balance the duality of his nature. And my role as Ice Princess, born two days after the solstice has me being caretaker to the end of times, the soul that governs the celebrations that wind up a life nearing it's end, the one that keeps the lights blazing as we enter that darkest time of year, and the one that maintains that it was all really worth it. Malcolm is Belief. I am Hope. When Belief and Hope come together, we create Love. And THAT, my friends, is the magic of Belief and Hope. Having Belief and Hope create the kind of environment that fosters and nurtures Love. And when we LOVE, we are divine."

This time of year makes me nostalgic, makes me want to feel that burning satisfaction of love in my chest, of surety, of absolute conviction. Malcolm and I spent quite alot of time talking together today on our breaks. Talking about everything we've been through this past year, how it's made us stronger, more committed to each other. I hear more love and respect in his voice, he's ever eager to make sure that I don't ever wonder about how he feels. And the wonder is that I don't worry, I feel safe as the flower in his hands. I know when he tells me he's got me, that he's really got me and won't let me fall. I trust him.

The wonderful part is the open and honest communication that we have. Malcolm inspires that in so many people. In Jachin, for example. Malcolm and Jachin have truly bonded as men do, and they have little to no secrets. Jachin shares most everything with Malcolm...his triumphs, his challenges, and his woes. Malcolm is an excellent and impartial filter, and helps Jachin keep his perspective in the face of insanity. He inspires Jachin to maintain his Belief that he is taking the right course, finally. Things have been crazy in Jachin's life lately, and although Jachin shares all his stuff with me too, Malcolm is just so much more what he needs to hear. A "guy" voice being calm and rational. It's reassuring that Jachin has the support he needs finally.

Malcolm, when he's angry, is a most impressive sight. He's like a dark god of vengeance and wrath. He won't shy away from a situation that has incensed him. He WILL confront both the situation and the person who created it. He has the best way of talking about it..."It's unfortunate that I'll have to say something now, that I need to address this issue. But once I get dragged in against my express wishes, the shit is done." He spoke his wrath once for my daughter's sake this past week, he'll speak it again for someone else who didn't know when to stop.

Malcolm met me when I was sad, when I was having a hard time understanding why Jachin hadn't fought for us harder. He held me when I cried trying to get a grip. He kept me from hating Jachin when I thought hating him would make it easier, or better. Malcolm and I fell in love when neither of us had any intention of being in that predicament. Malcolm taught me how he could make my body sing for him, and he showed me how to trust again. Malcolm and I have been through so much together, and always come out of our trials stronger, more committed to each other, more in love than before. Most women who meet him have a crush on him. Most fantasize about his unmatched sexual prowess, and his drop dead gorgeous looks. Many have been jealous enough to try and steal him. But the honest to god truth is that in the end it's HIS choice to be with who he wants to be with, and right now, it's his choice to be with me. I told him once that I would happily share the road with him, walking and holding his hand, until the time came for our paths to go in different directions. He took it as my heart's promise to him. I meant it. As my Ice King, he makes me believe in him, and he rekindles my hope. That is the finest gift any man can give a woman besides his absolute love of her.....and he's given me that too.

This Christmas, I wish that same peace and contentment on Jachin, that he can find strength in himself to do what's right instead of what's easy. That he can let go of anger and resentment. That he can find solace in people who have his best interests at heart. That the gods guide him through his most difficult trials ever. That he knows unconditional love and acceptance. And most of of, that he holds Hope and Belief close to his heart.

Christmas Presents

Holiday time can be incredibly stressful, with everyone looking for money to fill the space under the tree with packages. This year especially, people are feeling pinched in the extreme as our children's expectations remain normal or above normal while our purses are sorely lacking. But what about all those gifts we get every day that we casually overlook? Recently Malcolm and I had a long talk about his disillusionment with the holiday and how money grubbing everyone is, and how he just never feels that he can meet anybody's expectations...that no matter how much he gives, it's never enough. He's stretched in a billion separate directions, with nobody really willing to meet him half way, and he's grown to increasingly hate the holidays, seeing them as mostly contrived.

I still love the holidays. I positively revel in the season, love the food, love the good cheer, love to wish people good times and wonderful feelings. I love to decorate, love to cook, love to make things. I love listening to the music, love singing it. But I love the idea that I can do special things for the people I love most all the time. Malcolm and I discussed how family obligations keep us apart on Christmas, and how we've agreed to make the OTHER days special instead. Yes I want to cuddle with him in front of the tree, sipping a warm cognac, talking about nothing, maybe watching some sappy movie like Trans Siberian Orchestra or It's a Wonderful Life. Then making slow sweet love under the beautiful lights, with the fragrance of balsam all around us. He kinda rolled his eyes at me but said it did sound relaxing and kind of nice. The biggest thing being that WHEN we did it didn't matter as much as taking time TO do it...just special time for US, away from family demands for a minute, away from work demands for a minute. Just Malcolm and I basking in our relationship with no other intrusion. I'm not a stickler for doing it at a specific date or time. I've spent too many years as a retail whore to place any stock in having to be available on the actual holiday. When you work mental hours for enough years, you learn to treasure the off times that you DO get. What matters most is having the time and using it wisely.

Today Malcolm gave me a day I'll never forget. It wasn't just about phenomenal sex, although it was all that and a few bags of chips too. LOL, nope the real memory is from the gift of his trust. He gave me Belief and Faith and Trust today on a level that stole my breath away. It was a falling in love again moment, for both of us it seems since he expressed his delight in me in our conversation tonight. No matter that his little plan didn't quite work out as he'd hoped. It was the fact that he gave his permission to make my dream reality. He set aside his hesitations and misgivings and made me his priority. What a humbling and amazing feeling, and it deepened not only my feelings for him but also my loyalty. Sometimes you just know when you belong with someone. He's my someone.

So for all the everyday miracles that we might miss....take a moment to count your blessings. If people chose even just one day to focus on everything they HAVE instead of everything that they feel they might be lacking....can you imagine how amazing that day would be?

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

My mother, when I was younger, used to console me when people would copy me with this saying "Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery". I used to think it was horseshit then, and truth be told, I still do. But I can see her point. People imitate the celebrities they adore, try to be everything that they are because they are just so darned impressed with everything about them. I've always been a non-conformist, and I find the copy-catters an affront to my individuality. I've always despised wanna-be's as the lowest form of social life form. People that imitate a style or a life simply to get the attention someone in that position would get. They aren't genuine, they aren't sincere. They aren't really interested in the scope of whatever life they are trying on for size at any given moment. But they are attention whores, chameleons that like to fool people by impressing them with someone else's wit, wisdom, or originality.

This week I've watched someone mimic me almost to a tee. When I posted my blog on Lady Gaga, this person read my blog, and proceded to look up every Lady Gaga song they could find, seemingly becoming an instantaneous fan and afficionado. When I posted my blog about my incredible bi weekend with my beautiful Amy, this person conned their on again off again beau into believing they really wanted to experience a bisexual night, after blocking said experience for the last year and a half. And again, after I posted my favorite Christmas song, this person added it to their own playlist. LOL, coincidence? I think not.

Jachin laughs and says that lots of people envy my life and want to be me. I think that if they do it's because they don't know the whole deal, and that's ok. There are lots of personal things I don't share, believe it or not. I do try to keep my family private because they are near and dear to me. And the nuts and bolts of Malcolm's and my relationship is definitely private. There are only a very very few people that know the whole deal, and Jachin is one by default, since he lives there. I trust him though, to keep the details private simply because he has too much shit he doesn't want me talking about either. Really incriminating shit. LOL. So we have each other's back on the private stuff.

Malcolm, when it comes to the wanna be stuff is on the same page that I am. He and I are both artists, both graduated from art schools, and both covet and selfishly protect our individuality. It's one of the reasons we get along so damn well....we just simply "get" each other. Neither of us can be fit comfortably into a category, because we just simply transcend them. We both have broad spectrum interests that go far beyond what anyone can trace back to a "type". For instance, I love classic rock music, but I also love Broadway, Disney show tunes, celtic and world music, reggae/ton, and classical. Malcolm loves world music, loves soul, classic jive, reggae/ton, loves classic rock, and some pop. His style is selective, even to the point that I don't dare pick out clothes for him because he's so finicky. He's a shoe whore, and his mode of expression for his art has shifted over the years from painting and interior design to buidling bikes. My style is 70's flower child, that free spirit no makeup natural way to sparkle look. I am a whore for plush, deep colored and sparkly fabrics, but I despise shoes with an intense hatred, and prefer to be mostly barefoot. I like fun socks tho, and interesting panties. I have gone from painting and drawing to expressing my art thru sewing, beading, knitting, crafting of all kinds, and singing yearly in my brother's choir.

I love Malcolm's style, and his expressions of art. I love his look, and I even like his shoe selection, as long as I don't have to wear them. LOL. He loves my fuss free look, loves my tousled mop top hair, loves that when he kisses me he's not licking off an inch of makeup. Occasionally when I do dress up and accessorise with make-up, I still refrain from wearing base, simply because I can't stand the greasy feel on my skin, nor can I abide the look when it wears off in the morning. But I do like smokey eyes, and deep colored lips, and it drives Malcolm absolutely bonkers when he sees what he calls my "goth" look LOL! My skin is so fair that the dark eyes and lips look REALLY dark, and I love the deep mahogany and brown based coppers. Well, and he loves the taste of the lipstick and eats it off my lips. Anywho, I digress.

I talked to Malcolm about the copying. About the fact that my copy catter feels the need to try and do everything I do. He expressed his disgust, and rolled his eyes, but really, what is there to do about it? So we just came back to the fact that all we can do is laugh at the fact that someone is so impressed with my life that they feel the need to try and duplicate it for themselves. And feel sorry that they haven't the courage to discover who they are for themselves, that they can only try on the mantle of other people's lives. So, to my Lilith wanna-be....You can never BE me, but I suppose you can have a blast trying. Good luck with that.

Holiday Fire

I Know You By Heart
(Katrina Carlson and Benny Mardones)



I am spinnin’ around inside
Through the window you say “climb in for a ride”
All I want is what you are
But if you drive me to my door it’ll go too far

I know you by heart
Like the road back home
I know if we touched, I’d have to have you alone
I know you by heart
You’re my very best friend
I know if I let you back, it would all start again

‘Cause you run wild, wind in your hair
You love for the moment, live for the journey to who knows where
And all I fear you can’t control
It’s just your nature
You can’t find what you need in one soul, and

I know you by heart
Like the road back home
I know if we touched, I’d have to have you alone
I know you by heart
Like my own flesh and blood
What I feel for you, babe, goes deeper than love

In your arms I feel the strength of all that’s true
And when you say you love me, I know I was meant for you
But I don’t know the part, no I don’t know that part
No, I don’t know what makes you go away

But I am tired, worn down and all
I haven’t the patience, the courage to take another fall
All I need is simple and sweet
To wake Christmas morning with the one who wants me for keeps, and

I know you by heart
Like the road back home
I know if we touched I’d have to have you alone
I know you by heart
Every inch of your skin
I know if I let it start, I’d never want it to end
I know you by heart, the heart of your soul
I know you like the only home that I’ll ever know

~~~~~
One of my most favorite holiday songs ever.

Yurtz

The holiday weekend came and went, and as always, Malcolm and I spent it with our families. I'd have been content to spend a quiet weekend at home with Jujubear and Lucy, but Saturday, I was afforded the opportunity to go out and have fun with Amy and Ricky, the couple I had met a little ways back. If only I could find a sitter....

I was rather pouting about it when Jachin called, and I told him about beautiful Amy and how I would have loved to go and spend an evening with her and Rick. I told him I didn't have a sitter, and jokingly asked him would he be my sitter? Amazingly, he said yes! I texted Malcolm to make sure it was ok, to which he sighed in frustration that he'd miss it AGAIN, and asked me to take lots of pictures, which I did. And I arranged my evening and started it off by picking up Jachin and bringing him home.

I do know that Jachin was disappointed that he couldn't be invited to join us. He's seen pictures of Amy, and she is stunning. The best part is that she tastes even better than she looks. But the idea of Jachin and I swinging together isn't something that Malcolm would be ok with, at least not yet. And I love Malcolm too much to make him upset like that. Malcolm and I have started talking about the possibilities in the future of welcoming Jachin into our world. But that's a blog for another day.

I thought I'd take a moment to tell the story of that evening with pictures instead of words. I do, after all, have a brand new digital camera. I will finish my words by laughing about the end of the evening. I called Jachin to come and pick me up around 2:30 in the morning. He was actually awake and ready to do it. I didn't shower before I dressed, figuring I'd do it at home, and I knew I reeked of Amy's wonderful sex juice, which was all over me, and of my own which was also all over me. Although Jachin won't admit to being disturbed, he literally dropped me off at home, paced nervously in front of me as he looked at my well fucked bedraggled self, and asked for my keys and literally ran away. And yet we successfully avoided temptation again. Jachin has been striving to live up to Malcolm's expectations when it comes to me. And really, the future results will be so much more amenable if Jachin can prove himself trustworthy.