I can't lie and say the past week or so has been wonderful. In all actuality, it's been incredibly heinous and stressful. Doctor visit after doctor visit, and the results all looking sketchy, and then...the diagnosis. Not even THE diagnosis that I'm waiting for...just another one they found in the meantime. I had alot of tears, rage and frustration as I realized that the quality of my life is forever altered. I have counseling sessions set up to deal with the fall out from this new development, and am on medication for the rest of my life now. It was incredibly discouraging, and learning a whole new way to live has been challenging, to say the least. I sobbed, I denied, but reality set in when I actually began feeling better, little by little over the past few days.
Life with my man has also been a little bit tense these days. OK, A LOT tense. We've argued over our differing opinions on his new living arrangement, and my words fell on seemingly deaf ears. I know he sensed my disassociation growing and my anger and resentment getting larger in it's intensity as I struggled with the whole idea of TRUST. It's all fine and good to trust him, and I do, with every fiber of my being. But I just wanted him to HEAR me and not treat me like a lunatic, like nothing I was saying was grounded in reality. Friday, after another battery of tests and some more crying on my part as I felt everything falling apart around me, he let me know that he'd been listening, and that he absolutely agreed. He acknowledged that my concerns were valid, were thoughtful and insightful, and that I had indeed played the tape through to the end. Malcolm worked really hard all week, even through the disagreements to reinforce how much he loved and respected me, and that he'd always be there to protect me. I couldn't appreciate it until Saturday......
Saturday I "woke up" out of the fog I've been living in for the past 3 months. Apparently the medication had started to kick in, and I truly felt the most profound sense of clarity, emotional stability, and motivation. I hadn't felt like that in...I dunno how long. It was like a blessed moment that lasted a day. Malcolm had to be out of town this weekend, working to make things happen for his mom, and being an amazing dad as always. He also took the opportunity to call me so we could talk relaxed and happy, no jobs, no appointments rushing us off the phone. We talked about the situation in his home, and he again reiterated that he believed me, and could see where it all was heading. It was all I needed, to be validated by the man that loves me. I fell in love with him all over again because in the end, he is such and amazing man. We fight, like any normal couple, but we never let the fights negate what we feel for each other. It's a real relationship based on respect for each other. I don't need to control or own him because that's petty, juvenile, and retarded. It's so much more meaningful that he's with me by the simple virtue of WANTING to be with me. Likewise, he knows I stay because it's where I want to be.
My niece recently moved closer to me and has provided me with a most amazing opportunity. She has promised to look after my daughter so that I can spend nights with the man I love. When Malcolm heard about this he was excited that we could finally have a way to be together for the time we so desperately crave together. We decided to take her up on it and spend most every night over the next 4 weeks together and see how it goes. We may not live together, but we have both decided that, now that I have a nighttime sitter, that there isn't a reason in the world we can't be together every chance we get. No more excuses, I can't wait to spend my nights with the man I love.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Nerves
I started not feeling well sometime during mid-August. Sometimes my digestion is a little sluggish, so I figured it for a case of nerves over the Cruise, at the time, and vowed to let it run it's course and start eating more fiber. August stretched into September, and I started to wonder WTF was happening that I was having issues every day. I joked with Malcolm that he'd broken me somehow, and he chuckled that for all the times and ways he's flailed on me he could just well imagine that he did. Another couple weeks of the same old went by and I started to be concerned. Maybe our anal play WAS too rough. Or maybe we'd both managed to catch Giardia, except HE wasn't sick, and it was preposterous that I'd ever be able to infect myself. So I casually asked Malcolm if he'd been feeling alright. He said yes and immediately demanded to know what was wrong. I let him know the situation and he was pissed that I hadn't been to see a doctor yet. And even after the snapping and scolding I got from him, I didn't make an appointment.
The stress of the past two weeks has really brought this issue to the forefront. The more stressed I've gotten, the more sick I've felt. After the talk I had with both Jachin and Malcolm over the past weekend, I've tried to ramp down my stress, and while my stress HAS been less, especially today listening to Malcolm's stories about his encounters which make me laugh so much, I still feel bad. So I took a leap and called the Doctor, determined to take care of my health because the man who loves me wants me around, and my daughter deserves a mother that isn't feeling sick 24/7. After asking for my symptoms over the phone, my beloved PCP wants to start testing tomorrow for Celiac Disease. I told Jachin about the plan, and I heard his dismay "What's THAT???" LOL, I think he was just worried he caught it from me while we lived together last week. MWAHHAHAHAHA. Serves him right, a little worry will do him a world of good. My daughter has been so supportive, and Malcolm is relieved I've finally done the sane thing and sought out treatment options. Of course there isn't a cure, but if it does turn out to be my diagnosis, then I'll be making a whole lifestyle change to make myself more comfortable. So I went out shopping tonight, and gave myself a little retail therapy to take my mind off it. The worst part will be discussing everything with my PCP and including our sex life for scrutiny. That's never a pretty thing. Hopefully her gut feeling is right, because the other options really really suck. Well, and the test for Celiac doesn't include drinking nasty stuff to cleanse yourself for a scope, and that's always a plus. LOL. So here's to my case of nerves. I'm hoping for the best!
The stress of the past two weeks has really brought this issue to the forefront. The more stressed I've gotten, the more sick I've felt. After the talk I had with both Jachin and Malcolm over the past weekend, I've tried to ramp down my stress, and while my stress HAS been less, especially today listening to Malcolm's stories about his encounters which make me laugh so much, I still feel bad. So I took a leap and called the Doctor, determined to take care of my health because the man who loves me wants me around, and my daughter deserves a mother that isn't feeling sick 24/7. After asking for my symptoms over the phone, my beloved PCP wants to start testing tomorrow for Celiac Disease. I told Jachin about the plan, and I heard his dismay "What's THAT???" LOL, I think he was just worried he caught it from me while we lived together last week. MWAHHAHAHAHA. Serves him right, a little worry will do him a world of good. My daughter has been so supportive, and Malcolm is relieved I've finally done the sane thing and sought out treatment options. Of course there isn't a cure, but if it does turn out to be my diagnosis, then I'll be making a whole lifestyle change to make myself more comfortable. So I went out shopping tonight, and gave myself a little retail therapy to take my mind off it. The worst part will be discussing everything with my PCP and including our sex life for scrutiny. That's never a pretty thing. Hopefully her gut feeling is right, because the other options really really suck. Well, and the test for Celiac doesn't include drinking nasty stuff to cleanse yourself for a scope, and that's always a plus. LOL. So here's to my case of nerves. I'm hoping for the best!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Definition of TRUST
TRUST: –noun 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
It's a hard thing, trust. It's hard to gain, hard to maintain, and virtually impossible to get back after someone has shattered it. I find myself struggling with trust, and doubting that people can be trusted, beginning to expect people to let me down instead of trusting that they will fulfill their promises. Malcolm has never overtly demanded my trust, even from the beginning when he found me, a wounded thing trying to make sense of my world all over again after what seemed real was really mostly illusion. I suppose as people it's our nature to trust that what we think is the same as what is real, yet that is probably the biggest illusion of all. What we think we know is not the same as what IS. And so, when I found out that what I knew about my then life and my then relationship didn't match what was, I floundered and lost trust in many things.
Jachin moving in with Malcolm has brought up some issues for me that I suppose I never really resolved in the first place. In the beginning, Malcolm didn't expect my trust, he worked really hard to earn it and to show me that not everything or everyone would lie and cheat. He would mean what he said, and say what he meant, and he would always be there if he said he would. He knew, as he held me shivering in his palm, that what I needed was surety and consistency more than anything else. His love was always there, but he knew that what I needed most wasn't a blatant show of affection. I needed him to be real with me, and he didn't fail me. Yet here we are a year later, and I realize, as I argue with Jachin over his crazy womens that what my problem really is isn't jealously, isn't anger or consternation. It's fear. I'm afraid of the conflict that these women bring with them wherever they go, and I'm afraid that my safe haven in Malcolm's home won't be so safe for me anymore.
Malcolm and I talked extensively today about Jachin and his lack of foresight. Malcolm has this incredible analogy about "Playing the movie out till you reach the end". His mantra is that when you are looking at a situation that you covet, be it a drunken stupor, a crack high, or a sick relationship with women that are not what you really want, that instead of just playing the portion of the tape that you like....you gotta look at the WHOLE THING, beginning, favorite part, AND THE END RESULTS. And what are the results? Well, if you're drinking, the results are that you wind up an alcoholic, missing work, sick, and dying of cirrhosis. If you smoke crack, the high you're dying for only leads you in search of the next one, the one after that and so on until you've smoked your life savings away and are stealing and prostituting yourself so that you can possibly get to that next high. And the relationship one? Well, you end up fighting and bickering endlessly about issues that can't be resolved because neither party is willing to admit fault or take responsibility, then inevitably getting kicked out and being homeless while hoping for a friend to offer you a place to stay. Play the tape to the end.
When Malcolm and I presented the offer to Jachin we were explicit about his not letting his psycho bitches know where he was, and definitely not bringing them around to cause Drama. He readily agreed, at the time vowing that he wanted no more contact or dialog with any of them. He was done, he was making a fresh start. But now two days into it, and both Malcolm and I have watched him go back on that word, not because he's malicious. Simply because it's a compulsion within him. I told Jachin in no uncertain terms that if ANY of his crazy heifers caused ME any drama, I wouldn't hesitate to slap a restraining order on them and see how they deal with it. I know he was mad at me for saying it. Oh well. But as I discussed it with Malcolm, he had the nerve to chuckle about it, because he rather enjoys watching the stories play out in front of him, the impartial observer. It got me to thinking about what I'm really afraid of in the first place.
I know in my head and my heart that Malcolm isn't going anywhere. And this is where that whole trust thing comes in. I think he honestly waited for me to say it today. To tell him that I trusted him to keep me safe, to keep my safe haven my haven, and to trust that he's never going to let anyone act up in my presence, or even in his presence for that matter. And when I let go of the moment and just breathe, I find that I really do trust him to be my sanctuary. Some of our final words today were him telling me how much fun we are going to have watching these women scamper and try their tricks and their ridiculous posturing. When I think of it that way, I do laugh, and almost WANT them to come around so that I can watch him playing with them. He is so much like the lion that has the mouse by the tail and is just interested in watching it scurry and panic for a bit. Malcolm can be a cruel hard man by nature, and by necessity. But I'm done fretting about things that, in the end I have no control over... and I'm done being afraid of the what ifs. I chose today to renew my trust in the man I love and walk with him as his lady, which is my place. Likewise, I'll have to have a talk with Jachin letting him know that I'm no longer wanting to hear all about the evils being done to him by his girls. I allow the drama to surround me by entertaining his stories. I don't want to think about any of his psychos anymore, I'm moving on. I value Jachin as a friend, but we will have to find some new common ground to talk about, something that doesn't involve his escapades with whoever. That's his life, and those are his choices. They have nothing to do with me whatsoever. AND, as I've discussed with Malcolm today, I'm not responsible for Jachin's choices, nor can I control what he does. It's all between him and Malcolm now, and THANK GOODNESS. The only person I need to worry about is Malcolm, and he and I are good...very very good. I trust him implicitly to have my back.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
It's a hard thing, trust. It's hard to gain, hard to maintain, and virtually impossible to get back after someone has shattered it. I find myself struggling with trust, and doubting that people can be trusted, beginning to expect people to let me down instead of trusting that they will fulfill their promises. Malcolm has never overtly demanded my trust, even from the beginning when he found me, a wounded thing trying to make sense of my world all over again after what seemed real was really mostly illusion. I suppose as people it's our nature to trust that what we think is the same as what is real, yet that is probably the biggest illusion of all. What we think we know is not the same as what IS. And so, when I found out that what I knew about my then life and my then relationship didn't match what was, I floundered and lost trust in many things.
Jachin moving in with Malcolm has brought up some issues for me that I suppose I never really resolved in the first place. In the beginning, Malcolm didn't expect my trust, he worked really hard to earn it and to show me that not everything or everyone would lie and cheat. He would mean what he said, and say what he meant, and he would always be there if he said he would. He knew, as he held me shivering in his palm, that what I needed was surety and consistency more than anything else. His love was always there, but he knew that what I needed most wasn't a blatant show of affection. I needed him to be real with me, and he didn't fail me. Yet here we are a year later, and I realize, as I argue with Jachin over his crazy womens that what my problem really is isn't jealously, isn't anger or consternation. It's fear. I'm afraid of the conflict that these women bring with them wherever they go, and I'm afraid that my safe haven in Malcolm's home won't be so safe for me anymore.
Malcolm and I talked extensively today about Jachin and his lack of foresight. Malcolm has this incredible analogy about "Playing the movie out till you reach the end". His mantra is that when you are looking at a situation that you covet, be it a drunken stupor, a crack high, or a sick relationship with women that are not what you really want, that instead of just playing the portion of the tape that you like....you gotta look at the WHOLE THING, beginning, favorite part, AND THE END RESULTS. And what are the results? Well, if you're drinking, the results are that you wind up an alcoholic, missing work, sick, and dying of cirrhosis. If you smoke crack, the high you're dying for only leads you in search of the next one, the one after that and so on until you've smoked your life savings away and are stealing and prostituting yourself so that you can possibly get to that next high. And the relationship one? Well, you end up fighting and bickering endlessly about issues that can't be resolved because neither party is willing to admit fault or take responsibility, then inevitably getting kicked out and being homeless while hoping for a friend to offer you a place to stay. Play the tape to the end.
When Malcolm and I presented the offer to Jachin we were explicit about his not letting his psycho bitches know where he was, and definitely not bringing them around to cause Drama. He readily agreed, at the time vowing that he wanted no more contact or dialog with any of them. He was done, he was making a fresh start. But now two days into it, and both Malcolm and I have watched him go back on that word, not because he's malicious. Simply because it's a compulsion within him. I told Jachin in no uncertain terms that if ANY of his crazy heifers caused ME any drama, I wouldn't hesitate to slap a restraining order on them and see how they deal with it. I know he was mad at me for saying it. Oh well. But as I discussed it with Malcolm, he had the nerve to chuckle about it, because he rather enjoys watching the stories play out in front of him, the impartial observer. It got me to thinking about what I'm really afraid of in the first place.
I know in my head and my heart that Malcolm isn't going anywhere. And this is where that whole trust thing comes in. I think he honestly waited for me to say it today. To tell him that I trusted him to keep me safe, to keep my safe haven my haven, and to trust that he's never going to let anyone act up in my presence, or even in his presence for that matter. And when I let go of the moment and just breathe, I find that I really do trust him to be my sanctuary. Some of our final words today were him telling me how much fun we are going to have watching these women scamper and try their tricks and their ridiculous posturing. When I think of it that way, I do laugh, and almost WANT them to come around so that I can watch him playing with them. He is so much like the lion that has the mouse by the tail and is just interested in watching it scurry and panic for a bit. Malcolm can be a cruel hard man by nature, and by necessity. But I'm done fretting about things that, in the end I have no control over... and I'm done being afraid of the what ifs. I chose today to renew my trust in the man I love and walk with him as his lady, which is my place. Likewise, I'll have to have a talk with Jachin letting him know that I'm no longer wanting to hear all about the evils being done to him by his girls. I allow the drama to surround me by entertaining his stories. I don't want to think about any of his psychos anymore, I'm moving on. I value Jachin as a friend, but we will have to find some new common ground to talk about, something that doesn't involve his escapades with whoever. That's his life, and those are his choices. They have nothing to do with me whatsoever. AND, as I've discussed with Malcolm today, I'm not responsible for Jachin's choices, nor can I control what he does. It's all between him and Malcolm now, and THANK GOODNESS. The only person I need to worry about is Malcolm, and he and I are good...very very good. I trust him implicitly to have my back.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Living in the Past
What an interesting week this has been, so far. I use the term "interesting" lightly and a bit sarcastically here. LOL. Jachin living with us has certainly been an adventure.
I have to say, first off, that Jachin has done a wonderful job of being a good roommate to me this past week. He has been cordial and circumspect, and has honored all of Malcolm's requests. Last night tested those limits to the max, and Jachin really passed the test. Big thank you to him for being a gentleman, I so appreciate everything he did to take care of me.
I went to a party last night, some small local affair. Malcolm and I had already talked about it, and it being his kid weekend again, he'd given me his blessing to go and have fun but be very safe. I assured him I had a game plan and that it did not include penetration, to which he was quite happy about. But I did have a hookup with a couple, the couple that happens to contain my girlcrush currently, and I wanted him to be ok with my playing with them. He of course was. I was, however, also introducing a new couple into the lifestyle. A very young couple of my acquaintance, Mike and Shea have decided to enter this journey for the first time. I told them I'd be happy to show them around, introduce them to people, and make sure that they have a safe and fun first experience. They will do great, I know, as they are both vivacious and funny, attractive and daring. But they are young, and still have all their ingrained hangups to overcome. I assured them that this journey, this lifestyle is something you take at your own pace, and nobody can ever pressure you to do differently.
Jachin also got introduced to everyone, and I was surprised that he wasn't familiar with the majority of the crowd, since they all attended the swing club he'd frequented with his now ex girlfriend. But he hadn't met them, so I made the rounds with him, let them know he was Malcolm's new roommate, and then went to have a drink of the happy happy blue stuff. The lady that puts on this party is an unbelievable cook, and had made her famous pans of lasagna and some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. There were a bunch of other yummies there, and both Jachin and I took some time to chow. We chatted with Mike and Shea, trying to ease their jitters. I had to laugh because what I take for granted as standard at a party was making their eyes pop out of their head. LOL, I LOVE this life! I decided to hang out with my girlcrush and her husband, out by the bonfire. I'd had some drink, had a smoke, and eaten quite enough, especially after the booze pie someone shoved at me. LOL, I did shove a couple of spoonfuls down Jachin's throat too, as well as Shea. What did she say that was so funny...."Wow, it's like a fucking party in my mouth!! What the hell IS that?" LOLOL!
Jachin went to the store for some cigarettes and took some time to hang out in the 420 trailer later, talking and laughing with the peeps there. He knew I wanted some alone time with my couple and had agreed to be my designated driver so that I could indulge in my happy blue stuff since I was child free for the evening. God knows I've been his DD enough in this lifetime, it was his turn to return the favor. I went to hang out with my couple, and we found the boudoir room. This room is a one room log cabin that Linda and Lewis built for themselves, including a huge bed that Lewis built out of cedar posts. It was amazing, the whole thing was fucking amazing. And finally, I got privacy with these 2 amazing people. YUM.
Cripes, I dunno what it is about this woman that drives me crazy. I could honestly lick her pussy for hours and not want anything else. I love her taste, I love the way she comes, I love it all, and this time I got to feel her tongue as well. She is just amazing, although I'll have to think twice about torturing her in the future, as she most definitely knows how to make me pay. LOLOL. I also had the pleasure of tasting her husband this time, and that was awesome too. I really like this soft spoken man who likes to laugh, and definitely knows how to make a girl feel good. I just like hanging with this couple so much. But it was cold, and we acknowledged the need to get dressed eventually or else freeze to death. And as it was getting really late, it seemed like a great time to just go home.
Jachin was back to hanging out in the kitchen with the lasagna. I said goodbye to our hostess and did the head snapping thing at him, and he was ready to leave as well. He knew I was pretty well trashed, and I reeked of sex. My hair had come down and was a hot mess, and he looked at me quietly, laughed, and asked if I'd had a good time. I smiled and just nodded with a "mm hmmm". He helped me to the car, and we drove the five minutes home. Pretty much the last thing I remember was stripping down naked and falling into bed, all the lights still on. I woke up this morning and was so grateful that Jachin hadn't tried to push me into doing something. And here is where I know he is a man of integrity. As drunk and stoned as I was last night, and as turned on from all the playing, I know that he knew he could have had whatever he wanted. But he knew I'd also regret it in the morning, and he did exactly what Malcolm had asked him to do...he kept me safe.
I won't lie, this week has been tough on both Jachin and I. We've done some fighting, rehashing shit from the past, AND the present for that matter as he and I disagree on his psycho and how she acts. I tend to get upset when adults behave badly in front of children, especially when those children are his and mine. He thinks I should consider the source, know she's a bad person and that she's jealous as hell, and move on from there. I wanted him to shut it down, and let her know that her stupidity was unacceptable, ESPECIALLY in the presence of children. I haven't spoken to Malcolm about that incident yet, but I know he'll be livid. Anywho, I finally sat down next to Jachin, let him hold me, and told him I didn't want to fight with him anymore over it. He's a grown man, and I certainly can't "fix" him. It's my trying to that makes both him and I stress over stuff only he has control over. I can't tell him to get the crazies out of his life, I can't force him to want to end the drama. He's gotta do all that for himself. So in taking a step back I gain a measure of peace knowing that there really are things outside of my scope of influence. I'm there for him now, and have always been there when he needed a friend. That's really all I can do.
I have to say, first off, that Jachin has done a wonderful job of being a good roommate to me this past week. He has been cordial and circumspect, and has honored all of Malcolm's requests. Last night tested those limits to the max, and Jachin really passed the test. Big thank you to him for being a gentleman, I so appreciate everything he did to take care of me.
I went to a party last night, some small local affair. Malcolm and I had already talked about it, and it being his kid weekend again, he'd given me his blessing to go and have fun but be very safe. I assured him I had a game plan and that it did not include penetration, to which he was quite happy about. But I did have a hookup with a couple, the couple that happens to contain my girlcrush currently, and I wanted him to be ok with my playing with them. He of course was. I was, however, also introducing a new couple into the lifestyle. A very young couple of my acquaintance, Mike and Shea have decided to enter this journey for the first time. I told them I'd be happy to show them around, introduce them to people, and make sure that they have a safe and fun first experience. They will do great, I know, as they are both vivacious and funny, attractive and daring. But they are young, and still have all their ingrained hangups to overcome. I assured them that this journey, this lifestyle is something you take at your own pace, and nobody can ever pressure you to do differently.
Jachin also got introduced to everyone, and I was surprised that he wasn't familiar with the majority of the crowd, since they all attended the swing club he'd frequented with his now ex girlfriend. But he hadn't met them, so I made the rounds with him, let them know he was Malcolm's new roommate, and then went to have a drink of the happy happy blue stuff. The lady that puts on this party is an unbelievable cook, and had made her famous pans of lasagna and some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. There were a bunch of other yummies there, and both Jachin and I took some time to chow. We chatted with Mike and Shea, trying to ease their jitters. I had to laugh because what I take for granted as standard at a party was making their eyes pop out of their head. LOL, I LOVE this life! I decided to hang out with my girlcrush and her husband, out by the bonfire. I'd had some drink, had a smoke, and eaten quite enough, especially after the booze pie someone shoved at me. LOL, I did shove a couple of spoonfuls down Jachin's throat too, as well as Shea. What did she say that was so funny...."Wow, it's like a fucking party in my mouth!! What the hell IS that?" LOLOL!
Jachin went to the store for some cigarettes and took some time to hang out in the 420 trailer later, talking and laughing with the peeps there. He knew I wanted some alone time with my couple and had agreed to be my designated driver so that I could indulge in my happy blue stuff since I was child free for the evening. God knows I've been his DD enough in this lifetime, it was his turn to return the favor. I went to hang out with my couple, and we found the boudoir room. This room is a one room log cabin that Linda and Lewis built for themselves, including a huge bed that Lewis built out of cedar posts. It was amazing, the whole thing was fucking amazing. And finally, I got privacy with these 2 amazing people. YUM.
Cripes, I dunno what it is about this woman that drives me crazy. I could honestly lick her pussy for hours and not want anything else. I love her taste, I love the way she comes, I love it all, and this time I got to feel her tongue as well. She is just amazing, although I'll have to think twice about torturing her in the future, as she most definitely knows how to make me pay. LOLOL. I also had the pleasure of tasting her husband this time, and that was awesome too. I really like this soft spoken man who likes to laugh, and definitely knows how to make a girl feel good. I just like hanging with this couple so much. But it was cold, and we acknowledged the need to get dressed eventually or else freeze to death. And as it was getting really late, it seemed like a great time to just go home.
Jachin was back to hanging out in the kitchen with the lasagna. I said goodbye to our hostess and did the head snapping thing at him, and he was ready to leave as well. He knew I was pretty well trashed, and I reeked of sex. My hair had come down and was a hot mess, and he looked at me quietly, laughed, and asked if I'd had a good time. I smiled and just nodded with a "mm hmmm". He helped me to the car, and we drove the five minutes home. Pretty much the last thing I remember was stripping down naked and falling into bed, all the lights still on. I woke up this morning and was so grateful that Jachin hadn't tried to push me into doing something. And here is where I know he is a man of integrity. As drunk and stoned as I was last night, and as turned on from all the playing, I know that he knew he could have had whatever he wanted. But he knew I'd also regret it in the morning, and he did exactly what Malcolm had asked him to do...he kept me safe.
I won't lie, this week has been tough on both Jachin and I. We've done some fighting, rehashing shit from the past, AND the present for that matter as he and I disagree on his psycho and how she acts. I tend to get upset when adults behave badly in front of children, especially when those children are his and mine. He thinks I should consider the source, know she's a bad person and that she's jealous as hell, and move on from there. I wanted him to shut it down, and let her know that her stupidity was unacceptable, ESPECIALLY in the presence of children. I haven't spoken to Malcolm about that incident yet, but I know he'll be livid. Anywho, I finally sat down next to Jachin, let him hold me, and told him I didn't want to fight with him anymore over it. He's a grown man, and I certainly can't "fix" him. It's my trying to that makes both him and I stress over stuff only he has control over. I can't tell him to get the crazies out of his life, I can't force him to want to end the drama. He's gotta do all that for himself. So in taking a step back I gain a measure of peace knowing that there really are things outside of my scope of influence. I'm there for him now, and have always been there when he needed a friend. That's really all I can do.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Friends and Lovers
Sometimes life deals you an amazing twist of fate. Sometimes, the past that you thought was finally behind you spirals back around to be dealt with again, a second chance, a new solution, a different outcome. I've been dealt one of these conundrums lately, even talked to my sister, The General, about it. Her reply? A hearty laugh, and eyebrow raise, a shake of the head, and a prompt, "Yeah, well....talk to you later." LOL
The overwhelming response from my friends has been "Are you fucking serious?" "What kind of clusterfuck is that?" "And my favorite, from Len..."I want to ask, but should I just leave it alone?" LOLOL I've done a lot of laughing, I've done some crying, and I've done an immense amount of talking with two men who both have in past or at present meant the world to me. Malcolm is one. My ex is the other.
So where does this story begin? Wow, how to begin.....
Day One
Malcolm's mom has been very ill, mostly by her own hand since she won't take her meds. It was decided during her last hospital stay where her hold on life actually became tenuous that she was a danger to herself and was no longer able to live on her own. She currently resides in a rehab/nursing care facility awaiting an opening for permanent housing in an assisted living facility. People who don't take care of their parents or of sick loved ones can't understand the enormity of the stress involved in such an undertaking. Not only is there the worry and stress involved in the illness and overall decline of someone you love, but day to day is the necessity of dealing with someone who's quality of life is noticeably escaping them. They know it as well as you do, and they are angry....angry at their own bodies for failing them, angry at you for not being enough to fix everything, and angry with their health care providers for making their reality inescapable. I understand this because I am also taking care of an ailing parent. It was also something I had in common with my ex because his wife was in the hospital when I met him, just beginning the decline. So it's been the last few weeks that Malcolm has been dealing with his mother's illness, her placement, and worst of all....her anger and surliness. He also was dealing with the fact that since she's no longer living with him and helping out with the expenses that his quality of life is ebbing as well, and he was prepared to move to a smaller apartment. It made him incredibly ugly, simply because he didn't want to move, didn't want to pack, etc. Our conversations had become curt, short, and harried until one night he snapped at me. I knew something was way off because in more than a year of interacting with this man daily he's never ever snapped.
Day Two
I got an early text message the next day from my ex telling me he was leaving his Medusa...again. I've heard this five or six times, so I didn't actually place much credence in his words, kind of like hearing the Charlie Brown teacher wah wahhh wah wahhhhhh. LOLOL. But he called, not altogether upset, and told me that he was serious, and that she had asked him to move out. My first question? "What did you DO?" LOL, he didn't really have an answer, not that I expected him to have one, but he did kind of surprise me when he told me that he'd rented a U-Haul and was packing up all his shit and getting it out THAT DAY. Well, that was new, at least. All the other times he'd left he'd just walked out with a couple bags. So he told me in a hundred ways how he was serious this time. I won't lie and say I didn't roll my eyes, A LOT. LOL. I edited his accounts for him, since he called AND texted about that a few times, and then he called again to discuss what he was going to DO. Where was he going to go? He didn't have any clue, was prepared to sleep in his U-Haul until he figured it out.
Malcolm called a bit later to apologize for snapping at me, knowing I'd have been upset by it. He explained that he was singularly ovewhelmed by the task at hand, of having to sort thru his mother's effects and pack and move. I know he loves his apartment, and was loathe to move. And rightly so, it's a gorgeous place. It's incredibly spacious, and in a great neighborhood close to everything. I honestly don't know what made me say it, but I just vomited the words out at him. "If you had a roommate which made you NOT have to move, would you do it, no matter who it was?" He immediately said "YES", then retracted in fear that it was going to be me and I was going to make a rash decision to abandon my mom in favor of living with him. I assured him it wasn't me and he asked who, to which I replied "You know who it is." "Our boy?" he asked, and I confirmed it was indeed "our boy" LOL, and not Ian. My ex, lovingly named Mr in my other blogs but also known as Jachin has seemingly been a part of Malcolm's and my relationship since Malcolm and I first met. It was Malcolm that helped me get over the breakup, and let go of my anger and hostility towards him. He never made me have to get rid of him, trusting me to behave appropriately with a man who was once my lover, but became my friend. I never wanted to let Malcolm down, although it came close a couple of times. The point is I earned that trust, and continue to be "Trusted and Loved" by both men. As such, Malcolm and I have discussed Jachin a number of times, sometimes with laughter, sometimes with fatigue. But although Malcolm has questioned Jachin's judgement a whole bunch, he's never disparaged him. They became friends.
And Malcolm said Yes.
Last night they cemented the deal. I brought Jachin to the hospital to visit his wife, currently undergoing some serious procedures to attempt to stem some of the effects of her dementia. He also went to visit his new granddaughter, a happy occasion at least in all the mess. Concurrently, I left him there and went to pick up Malcolm so we could go visit his mom. It was a bad visit, she just being in a mood which set him off. Mothers have that unique ability to know all your hotspot buttons and just push them all until you lose your mind. It's kind of nice to know I'm not alone in that situation. So on our return from the nursing home, Malcolm driving, I let him know that Jachin had no place to stay until the apartment was ready for him. Malcolm knew it was going to take him about a week to clean everything out and be ready for Jachin to move in. "What are you asking me" he demanded as we drove along. "He wants to stay with me until you're ready for him, and I need to know if you are ok with that." Those were some of the hardest words I'd ever had to ask him. It's a huge thing I'm asking him for. I'm asking him to trust me in a living situation with a man who was my lover for 5 years. "He better not do anything stupid, you understand? Because if he tries shit with you behind my back, he sure as hell is gonna do something stupid when we ARE living together." And just like that he gave me his complete trust and love to do the right thing.
The two men talked for a long time last night, actually bonding just that fast. They are both looking forward to helping each other out, and I actually think that they will do well as roommates. Jachin is ridiculously easy to live with. In all the time we dated, the only thing that was ever an issue between us was his addictions. Addictions to the cell phone, to the PC, to booze, and to sex. We lived together for days on a number of occasions, and he never hassled me, nor I him. He's very amenable, and quite easy going. He's much more respectful to me now, he knows what my issues with him are, and Jachin has never stopped loving me. Thankfully, he loves me enough to not ruin my relationship. And he likes Malcolm, as does everyone that meets him. LOL, I predict a lil man crush, but Jachin insists it's not a man crush. LOLOL. They talked about biking, and hobbies, and video games, and women. There were a couple of EWW moments when they were getting crass. But Malcolm will never allow anyone to disrespect me, so I trust him to also do right by me. I may get a little jealous of their arrangement simply because I do love them both and I want to have fun with them too!! Kind of like when you have two separate friends that you enjoy spending time with, and then you introduce them to each other, and they figure out they like hanging out too. Hopefully, this new living arrangement doesn't cramp my sex life with Malcolm, cuz that would suck. I kinda feel like we can't really be open and sexual with each other in front of Jachin cuz it would hurt his feelings. But whatever, that's only gonna last so long. I'm not gonna stop how I express my love for Malcolm because Jachin's getting horned up in his own room. He'll have to deal, or he'll have to find one of his lil girlie girls to sate the need.
Jachin woke me up this morning by poking me in the butt with my morning coffee. I was so impressed with him last night. He didn't make a big deal of it, let me go to bed, and after we got Jujubear off to school this morning (who by the way is THRILLED to DEATH that her "DaddyJachin" is around, for a lil bit) he arranged for some booty and took off. I'm so happy that he found his respect for Malcolm and is abiding by his promise to behave around me. He's a good man in his heart, I've always known that. On the flip side, Malcolm is happier than I've heard him in a while...noticeably relaxed, and even excited about his new adventure. Let's hope everything goes well. Certainly hard economic times make for strange bedfellows. LOLOL
The overwhelming response from my friends has been "Are you fucking serious?" "What kind of clusterfuck is that?" "And my favorite, from Len..."I want to ask, but should I just leave it alone?" LOLOL I've done a lot of laughing, I've done some crying, and I've done an immense amount of talking with two men who both have in past or at present meant the world to me. Malcolm is one. My ex is the other.
So where does this story begin? Wow, how to begin.....
Day One
Malcolm's mom has been very ill, mostly by her own hand since she won't take her meds. It was decided during her last hospital stay where her hold on life actually became tenuous that she was a danger to herself and was no longer able to live on her own. She currently resides in a rehab/nursing care facility awaiting an opening for permanent housing in an assisted living facility. People who don't take care of their parents or of sick loved ones can't understand the enormity of the stress involved in such an undertaking. Not only is there the worry and stress involved in the illness and overall decline of someone you love, but day to day is the necessity of dealing with someone who's quality of life is noticeably escaping them. They know it as well as you do, and they are angry....angry at their own bodies for failing them, angry at you for not being enough to fix everything, and angry with their health care providers for making their reality inescapable. I understand this because I am also taking care of an ailing parent. It was also something I had in common with my ex because his wife was in the hospital when I met him, just beginning the decline. So it's been the last few weeks that Malcolm has been dealing with his mother's illness, her placement, and worst of all....her anger and surliness. He also was dealing with the fact that since she's no longer living with him and helping out with the expenses that his quality of life is ebbing as well, and he was prepared to move to a smaller apartment. It made him incredibly ugly, simply because he didn't want to move, didn't want to pack, etc. Our conversations had become curt, short, and harried until one night he snapped at me. I knew something was way off because in more than a year of interacting with this man daily he's never ever snapped.
Day Two
I got an early text message the next day from my ex telling me he was leaving his Medusa...again. I've heard this five or six times, so I didn't actually place much credence in his words, kind of like hearing the Charlie Brown teacher wah wahhh wah wahhhhhh. LOLOL. But he called, not altogether upset, and told me that he was serious, and that she had asked him to move out. My first question? "What did you DO?" LOL, he didn't really have an answer, not that I expected him to have one, but he did kind of surprise me when he told me that he'd rented a U-Haul and was packing up all his shit and getting it out THAT DAY. Well, that was new, at least. All the other times he'd left he'd just walked out with a couple bags. So he told me in a hundred ways how he was serious this time. I won't lie and say I didn't roll my eyes, A LOT. LOL. I edited his accounts for him, since he called AND texted about that a few times, and then he called again to discuss what he was going to DO. Where was he going to go? He didn't have any clue, was prepared to sleep in his U-Haul until he figured it out.
Malcolm called a bit later to apologize for snapping at me, knowing I'd have been upset by it. He explained that he was singularly ovewhelmed by the task at hand, of having to sort thru his mother's effects and pack and move. I know he loves his apartment, and was loathe to move. And rightly so, it's a gorgeous place. It's incredibly spacious, and in a great neighborhood close to everything. I honestly don't know what made me say it, but I just vomited the words out at him. "If you had a roommate which made you NOT have to move, would you do it, no matter who it was?" He immediately said "YES", then retracted in fear that it was going to be me and I was going to make a rash decision to abandon my mom in favor of living with him. I assured him it wasn't me and he asked who, to which I replied "You know who it is." "Our boy?" he asked, and I confirmed it was indeed "our boy" LOL, and not Ian. My ex, lovingly named Mr in my other blogs but also known as Jachin has seemingly been a part of Malcolm's and my relationship since Malcolm and I first met. It was Malcolm that helped me get over the breakup, and let go of my anger and hostility towards him. He never made me have to get rid of him, trusting me to behave appropriately with a man who was once my lover, but became my friend. I never wanted to let Malcolm down, although it came close a couple of times. The point is I earned that trust, and continue to be "Trusted and Loved" by both men. As such, Malcolm and I have discussed Jachin a number of times, sometimes with laughter, sometimes with fatigue. But although Malcolm has questioned Jachin's judgement a whole bunch, he's never disparaged him. They became friends.
And Malcolm said Yes.
Last night they cemented the deal. I brought Jachin to the hospital to visit his wife, currently undergoing some serious procedures to attempt to stem some of the effects of her dementia. He also went to visit his new granddaughter, a happy occasion at least in all the mess. Concurrently, I left him there and went to pick up Malcolm so we could go visit his mom. It was a bad visit, she just being in a mood which set him off. Mothers have that unique ability to know all your hotspot buttons and just push them all until you lose your mind. It's kind of nice to know I'm not alone in that situation. So on our return from the nursing home, Malcolm driving, I let him know that Jachin had no place to stay until the apartment was ready for him. Malcolm knew it was going to take him about a week to clean everything out and be ready for Jachin to move in. "What are you asking me" he demanded as we drove along. "He wants to stay with me until you're ready for him, and I need to know if you are ok with that." Those were some of the hardest words I'd ever had to ask him. It's a huge thing I'm asking him for. I'm asking him to trust me in a living situation with a man who was my lover for 5 years. "He better not do anything stupid, you understand? Because if he tries shit with you behind my back, he sure as hell is gonna do something stupid when we ARE living together." And just like that he gave me his complete trust and love to do the right thing.
The two men talked for a long time last night, actually bonding just that fast. They are both looking forward to helping each other out, and I actually think that they will do well as roommates. Jachin is ridiculously easy to live with. In all the time we dated, the only thing that was ever an issue between us was his addictions. Addictions to the cell phone, to the PC, to booze, and to sex. We lived together for days on a number of occasions, and he never hassled me, nor I him. He's very amenable, and quite easy going. He's much more respectful to me now, he knows what my issues with him are, and Jachin has never stopped loving me. Thankfully, he loves me enough to not ruin my relationship. And he likes Malcolm, as does everyone that meets him. LOL, I predict a lil man crush, but Jachin insists it's not a man crush. LOLOL. They talked about biking, and hobbies, and video games, and women. There were a couple of EWW moments when they were getting crass. But Malcolm will never allow anyone to disrespect me, so I trust him to also do right by me. I may get a little jealous of their arrangement simply because I do love them both and I want to have fun with them too!! Kind of like when you have two separate friends that you enjoy spending time with, and then you introduce them to each other, and they figure out they like hanging out too. Hopefully, this new living arrangement doesn't cramp my sex life with Malcolm, cuz that would suck. I kinda feel like we can't really be open and sexual with each other in front of Jachin cuz it would hurt his feelings. But whatever, that's only gonna last so long. I'm not gonna stop how I express my love for Malcolm because Jachin's getting horned up in his own room. He'll have to deal, or he'll have to find one of his lil girlie girls to sate the need.
Jachin woke me up this morning by poking me in the butt with my morning coffee. I was so impressed with him last night. He didn't make a big deal of it, let me go to bed, and after we got Jujubear off to school this morning (who by the way is THRILLED to DEATH that her "DaddyJachin" is around, for a lil bit) he arranged for some booty and took off. I'm so happy that he found his respect for Malcolm and is abiding by his promise to behave around me. He's a good man in his heart, I've always known that. On the flip side, Malcolm is happier than I've heard him in a while...noticeably relaxed, and even excited about his new adventure. Let's hope everything goes well. Certainly hard economic times make for strange bedfellows. LOLOL
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Back in Black
I've been thinking about this blog for a few days now, trying to remember all the details in a night that flew by. I had alot of mixed feelings going into the party, worrying about all kinds of dark scenarios, possible administrative nightmares, and also listening to the discontent in my mate's voice knowing he couldn't join me. It was a mixed bag of emotion a whole week before ever getting there.
I worked the day shift that day, unable to get out of my shift and chomping at the bit to just get done and get out. I'd packed my car the night before so that I could speed off to Ogunquit immediately after work. The day dragged wearily by, and finally, after a dog bed Q& A from hell, I clocked out and RAN for my car. Finally on the road, the pre party crabbies set in. I dunno what it is about me and hosting, but I get to be the most rampaging bitch on the planet right before. Maybe it's because I know I have to have my game face on the whole night, maybe it's a case of nerves, maybe it's just the real me making an appearance, but HOLY GOD am I ugly right before a party. In my world of checks and balances, Malcolm usually takes care of it. In the time we've been a couple, he's learned my trigger words and spots in order to diffuse me. And if it doesn't work, he bends me over, pulls my hair, and literally fucks the bitch right out of me. Hey...whatever works, true? So I got to the party crabby, and my boys, especially Ian picked up on it and was concerned. I knew I'd work myself out of it in time for the party, but unfortunately, being the other third of a trouple puts Ian in my line of fire too. Thank goodness he's beginning to learn my trigger spots too. LOLOL. Poor Devin tho....he was just baffled.
Part of my angst was feeling the absence of Malcolm like a tangible ghost. Some fraction of my psyche was looking for him the whole evening....making comparisons in my mind, the inevitable "What Would Malcolm Do?" like one of those running dialogues over a grocery store loudspeaker. But the preparty started, and I had the massage table set up, and I just started to do what it is that I do......and it made me feel so much better. Human and sane again. The crabbies went away, and my genuine smile and joy emerged. I was seeing people I loved and cared about, people that were my friends...that I hadn't seen in months, and in some cases in over a year! How could I not be happy?
The party was a success, of course I knew it would be. Was it as wild and crazy as the cruise? No, but all the components of a great party were there. The dance floor was full all night, people availed themselves of the hospitality room throughout the night, and we almost had a jammin afterparty....until the Inn staff broke it up LOL, busted!! I swear I have the worst luck with Inn Nazis LOLOL. I got to chat with folk I haven't seen in forever, got to flirt with lots of beautiful people. And I had my hot fucking 3sum with my boys. Oh yes, never doubt they made my night amazing. Devin especially was an astounding date.
Devin is hot. No bones about it, he's FUCKING hot. He's got the face, the body, the ass, and the cock to prove it. Devin loves to be stroked, and it's one of our running jokes that he makes me exhausted by how much I need to stroke his ego, that it's more work than just stroking his cock. LOL, but both things are amazing TO stroke. And seeing the eyes of the women alight on him made me chuckle inside because YES, he really is as good as he looks. Even Ian stopped for a minute to notice that Devin was getting on well with the other guests. God love those two, cuz I shore nuff do. They were like brothers all night, each alternately seeking me out to make sure I was all right, making sure I had a drink, or a snack, or a kiss....Sending me a smile across the room as I made sure the guests were all good.
Devin and I made our way up to the hospitality room by ourselves to get some much needed alone time. I hadn't seen him in too long, and I'd missed him...alot. So we kissed, and hugged, and I got my lips wrapped around his amazing cock until I could feel him bumping against the back of my throat. I'd forgotten I'd never really deep throated him before. Not sure why, it just had never happened. So I didn't hold back this time, just went for the whole thing. He let me set my own pace, but as the cock sucking progressed I noticed his hands creeping to my head tentatively, wanting to hold me down but not really sure it was ok. I let him know he had both Malcolm's and my full consent to enjoy himself no holds barred. Malcolm had called him just a couple of hours prior to have his final talk of the evening with him, just reinforcing that his sole responsibility was to ensure I was taken care of. And to just relax and have fun. Devin and I played like that a little bit more, both of us knowing that I wouldn't let him cum yet...the night was altogether too young. So we both cleaned up a bit, and headed out to the balcony to look down and chat and hug. I remember bumping my ass back into his still hard cock, my dress barely concealing the fact that I was naked and available underneath it. Devin is still somewhat shy, even with all his bravado, and he wanted to fuck me right there by the railing, but again, his uncertainty about whether or not it was ok made us both wait for a better place and time. He really is very sensitive and caring, wanting to make sure he stays on my favored list. He is so damn CUTE!
At some point during the party, I think probably after 9, I finally decided I'd had enough of celibacy. Malcolm and I had been apart for almost 2 weeks because of work, sick mom's and moving, and I needed some sex. Ian must have smelt the pheromone because he appeared at my side, and gave me my favorite hug from behind. I turned in his arms, kissed him deeply, and looked him solemnly in the eye "I need it now. Right. Now." He paused only a moment, and said, "OK, let's go then." and he started to head for the hospitality room. I stopped and said "No, our room. I need a drink too, and I want privacy." He never questions me, never challenges. He changed course, and as we passed where Devin was mingling and dancing, I put my hand and dragged my nails across Devin's back. Ian and I kept walking to our room.
We got to our room, and I took care of my bathroom needs, poured myself a happy happy blue drink, shot it down, and attacked Ian. He laid me on the bed, pulled my dress up and put his mouth on my clit, getting me ready for what it is he does. He ate me, made me scream, made me cum a little bit, never giving me the big one....just getting me ready for his magic hand. And then, one finger at a time, he opened me up and rubbed and rubbed until he made me come apart. It was early on during this that the door opened and Devin came in. He'd given us a little bit of time to be private, but he knew that I'd "summoned" him by letting him know I was leaving the party for a spell. He saw me laid out and cumming, and arrived just in time to see the squirting start. As he released his long beautiful cock and stuffed it into my mouth, I had an amazing orgasm realizing I was sandwiched between my two beautiful boys. Each of them caring for me so genuinely, and all of us knowing the affection is reciprocated 100 fold between all of us, Malcolm included. That 3sum got even hotter, but I'm going to withhold those very VERY private details as something shared between lovers. The only other person that will ever know those details is Malcolm. It's our pleasure to share these stories with each other in our quiet moments while we snuggle.
There is much more that happened at the party. My bisexual moment with a woman I have an intense girl crush on. Our hookup with another couple. But those are moments that I'm going to reserve and just say.....You should have been at the party!!! Come to the next one and maybe you'll see this stuff for yourself. LOLOL
For those genuinely interested in attending our amazing events, please register at our website:
www.whispersme.com
One Love,
Lilith & Malcolm
I worked the day shift that day, unable to get out of my shift and chomping at the bit to just get done and get out. I'd packed my car the night before so that I could speed off to Ogunquit immediately after work. The day dragged wearily by, and finally, after a dog bed Q& A from hell, I clocked out and RAN for my car. Finally on the road, the pre party crabbies set in. I dunno what it is about me and hosting, but I get to be the most rampaging bitch on the planet right before. Maybe it's because I know I have to have my game face on the whole night, maybe it's a case of nerves, maybe it's just the real me making an appearance, but HOLY GOD am I ugly right before a party. In my world of checks and balances, Malcolm usually takes care of it. In the time we've been a couple, he's learned my trigger words and spots in order to diffuse me. And if it doesn't work, he bends me over, pulls my hair, and literally fucks the bitch right out of me. Hey...whatever works, true? So I got to the party crabby, and my boys, especially Ian picked up on it and was concerned. I knew I'd work myself out of it in time for the party, but unfortunately, being the other third of a trouple puts Ian in my line of fire too. Thank goodness he's beginning to learn my trigger spots too. LOLOL. Poor Devin tho....he was just baffled.
Part of my angst was feeling the absence of Malcolm like a tangible ghost. Some fraction of my psyche was looking for him the whole evening....making comparisons in my mind, the inevitable "What Would Malcolm Do?" like one of those running dialogues over a grocery store loudspeaker. But the preparty started, and I had the massage table set up, and I just started to do what it is that I do......and it made me feel so much better. Human and sane again. The crabbies went away, and my genuine smile and joy emerged. I was seeing people I loved and cared about, people that were my friends...that I hadn't seen in months, and in some cases in over a year! How could I not be happy?
The party was a success, of course I knew it would be. Was it as wild and crazy as the cruise? No, but all the components of a great party were there. The dance floor was full all night, people availed themselves of the hospitality room throughout the night, and we almost had a jammin afterparty....until the Inn staff broke it up LOL, busted!! I swear I have the worst luck with Inn Nazis LOLOL. I got to chat with folk I haven't seen in forever, got to flirt with lots of beautiful people. And I had my hot fucking 3sum with my boys. Oh yes, never doubt they made my night amazing. Devin especially was an astounding date.
Devin is hot. No bones about it, he's FUCKING hot. He's got the face, the body, the ass, and the cock to prove it. Devin loves to be stroked, and it's one of our running jokes that he makes me exhausted by how much I need to stroke his ego, that it's more work than just stroking his cock. LOL, but both things are amazing TO stroke. And seeing the eyes of the women alight on him made me chuckle inside because YES, he really is as good as he looks. Even Ian stopped for a minute to notice that Devin was getting on well with the other guests. God love those two, cuz I shore nuff do. They were like brothers all night, each alternately seeking me out to make sure I was all right, making sure I had a drink, or a snack, or a kiss....Sending me a smile across the room as I made sure the guests were all good.
Devin and I made our way up to the hospitality room by ourselves to get some much needed alone time. I hadn't seen him in too long, and I'd missed him...alot. So we kissed, and hugged, and I got my lips wrapped around his amazing cock until I could feel him bumping against the back of my throat. I'd forgotten I'd never really deep throated him before. Not sure why, it just had never happened. So I didn't hold back this time, just went for the whole thing. He let me set my own pace, but as the cock sucking progressed I noticed his hands creeping to my head tentatively, wanting to hold me down but not really sure it was ok. I let him know he had both Malcolm's and my full consent to enjoy himself no holds barred. Malcolm had called him just a couple of hours prior to have his final talk of the evening with him, just reinforcing that his sole responsibility was to ensure I was taken care of. And to just relax and have fun. Devin and I played like that a little bit more, both of us knowing that I wouldn't let him cum yet...the night was altogether too young. So we both cleaned up a bit, and headed out to the balcony to look down and chat and hug. I remember bumping my ass back into his still hard cock, my dress barely concealing the fact that I was naked and available underneath it. Devin is still somewhat shy, even with all his bravado, and he wanted to fuck me right there by the railing, but again, his uncertainty about whether or not it was ok made us both wait for a better place and time. He really is very sensitive and caring, wanting to make sure he stays on my favored list. He is so damn CUTE!
At some point during the party, I think probably after 9, I finally decided I'd had enough of celibacy. Malcolm and I had been apart for almost 2 weeks because of work, sick mom's and moving, and I needed some sex. Ian must have smelt the pheromone because he appeared at my side, and gave me my favorite hug from behind. I turned in his arms, kissed him deeply, and looked him solemnly in the eye "I need it now. Right. Now." He paused only a moment, and said, "OK, let's go then." and he started to head for the hospitality room. I stopped and said "No, our room. I need a drink too, and I want privacy." He never questions me, never challenges. He changed course, and as we passed where Devin was mingling and dancing, I put my hand and dragged my nails across Devin's back. Ian and I kept walking to our room.
We got to our room, and I took care of my bathroom needs, poured myself a happy happy blue drink, shot it down, and attacked Ian. He laid me on the bed, pulled my dress up and put his mouth on my clit, getting me ready for what it is he does. He ate me, made me scream, made me cum a little bit, never giving me the big one....just getting me ready for his magic hand. And then, one finger at a time, he opened me up and rubbed and rubbed until he made me come apart. It was early on during this that the door opened and Devin came in. He'd given us a little bit of time to be private, but he knew that I'd "summoned" him by letting him know I was leaving the party for a spell. He saw me laid out and cumming, and arrived just in time to see the squirting start. As he released his long beautiful cock and stuffed it into my mouth, I had an amazing orgasm realizing I was sandwiched between my two beautiful boys. Each of them caring for me so genuinely, and all of us knowing the affection is reciprocated 100 fold between all of us, Malcolm included. That 3sum got even hotter, but I'm going to withhold those very VERY private details as something shared between lovers. The only other person that will ever know those details is Malcolm. It's our pleasure to share these stories with each other in our quiet moments while we snuggle.
There is much more that happened at the party. My bisexual moment with a woman I have an intense girl crush on. Our hookup with another couple. But those are moments that I'm going to reserve and just say.....You should have been at the party!!! Come to the next one and maybe you'll see this stuff for yourself. LOLOL
For those genuinely interested in attending our amazing events, please register at our website:
www.whispersme.com
One Love,
Lilith & Malcolm
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