Now what, indeed?
Atlas and I had a conversation about our expectations. We both admitted to knowing the rules, not exceeding or breaking them. We both knew how the game was played. We weren't going to get caught up. I didn't want to fall in love, he wasn't available. My world was too precariously balanced to have someone akin to Loki wreaking havoc. He leaves for Asia in the fall. It seemed that we understood each other perfectly. We would have no strings attached fun with each other, that seemed reasonable.
When adding a new lover to the roster, I'm usually very open and honest with Satan. I know he doesn't like talking about it, doesn't particularly like knowing that I've taken pleasure with another man besides him. But he is practical enough to understand that waiting on him to be available these days is like waiting for a tax refund. Agonizing. My going catch-phrase; "What's good for the goose is good for the gander", are words that make him roll his eyes and say "Whateva". But the truth remains that after our reunion last year, I made it clear that I was not going to sit on a shelf and wait for him. I'd see him when I see him, but not let anyone touch my heart. Somehow, I knew Atlas was different. I haven't told Satan about him. I don't want to have that discussion until I have to. Satan senses it, he's just that intuitive. He senses my distraction, and I find him calling and texting me to ask where I am, what am I doing.
So where am I and what am I doing? The answer is I have no idea.
Atlas and I made plans to meet for a day to have relaxed time together. Time to ask silly questions to get to know each other. Time to play with each other without interruption or an audience. Time to just.....chill. I found myself extremely nervous the day before, fussing over my clothes and my choice of toenail color. I was taking extra care with my grooming, even working on my legendary crusty feet to tame them down to simply dry instead of lethal. Texting him during this furor, I told him it was way easier when I didn't give a shit what he thought. Yet somehow, I did care what he thought. I needed to make a good impression so that he liked what he saw. I felt shy, and a bit discombobulated, and all I knew was that I had to be.....amazing. It was incredibly girly, and as anyone who knows me will say, I hate girly moments with a passion.
After seeing to my errands and finally getting on the road, I received a call from Jachin. He wanted to know where I was going, who I was seeing, and how long I expected to be out. I told him I wasn't worried, and he commented "Of course you're not, that's my job". He was unhappy I was meeting "strange men" and told me I should never go out without telling someone where to find me. I met him at the rest stop, he gave me money for tolls, I told him where I'd be, and I was off again. Another conundrum for a different day.
The rain slowed my progress, and I arrived after Atlas did. I had been so nervous in the morning that I wasn't feeling good, and my stomach was in a knot for most of the drive. I was concerned that my stomach ache might translate into some unpleasantness, so I didn't eat, I just drank some Crystal Light. He texted me the room number, and I parked next to him. I took a moment to just breathe.......
I knocked, he answered...and promptly slammed the door on me. LOL, ahh it was going to be that kind of day. With his humor, he disarmed me and put me at instant ease. I brought my bags in, and as I watched him work on his laptop, knowing he had a business call in a few, I took out my laptop and prepared to amuse myself while he worked. We chatted a bit, and we laughed. Of all the memories I will carry about him in my life, it will be how much we laughed. I slyly looked at him over my computer screen. I find him so beautiful. His body is in amazing shape, and he has eyes that really look at you when you talk to him. I can't imagine any woman NOT finding him crazy hot. I have also found that he is a man that does not say things he doesn't mean. So far, I find that he says what he means, and means what he says. He doesn't grandstand, doesn't need to talk endlessly just to hear himself. He is a careful listener, and he is even more careful at replying, knowing his feedback may not always be rosebuds and unicorns, as he is at heart, a realist.
He climbed onto the bed with me, in a side 69 position, my back to his front, and he stroked his hands up my legs, under my dress, to a pantyless me, which he had requested. His hands, gentle and soft, finding spots front and back that had me panting. He got to stroking me in earnest and I came for him, almost as though his quiet confidence had simply commanded it without words, and it came into being. I came and squirted, and he got naked too. He just stopped playing, it was time for his business call. I lay at the end of the bed crosswise, while he lounged against the pillows, naked. As he entered his conference call, I looked at him, looked at his cock, and did the chin up inquiry move. He silently shrugged as if to say, why not? So I promptly moved between his legs and sucked his cock.
His skin is so velvety smooth, we joke that he feels like kitten paws. I so love feeling him grow in my mouth, and feeling his gentle yet insistent hand on my head encouraging me to press my lips against his body while his cock goes down my throat and I swallow him. It excited me to do these things to him while he was conducting business. And my beast rose with every intention of shattering his self control, except we failed, as he is an incredible challenge to ruffle. Earpiece intact, he swung himself behind me and fucked me until I squirted on his cock. Not being able to be vocal during sex is challenging for me, and it heightened the pleasure to an almost painful degree. He must have sat back and watched me trying to stifle my noise, chuckling, and I heard him say, "Oh, I hung up my call a bit ago, you can make noise now." BASTARD!!!
Going into detail about the rest of the afternoon seems redundant. It was a beautiful dream, laced with passionate kisses, ecstasy, and lots and lots of my body fluid. I lost track of the number of times that I came, just enjoying each small eruption of pleasure as it's own fantastic gift. I realized that i couldn't do this with him on a regular basis and remain casual. I told him so in an effort to be honest. He inspired an intensity in me that was difficult to ignore. It felt like it welled up in my core, and wanted to spew out of my mouth in the form of pretty words and promises. I would not be the conqueror, as I had insinuated in emails to him...I would be the conquered.
He moves me in ways I haven't thought about in a long time. He makes me feel a little less lonely inside. He makes me want to see what he does during his days, how he walks through the door, how he organizes his kitchen. He makes me think of long lazy days off spent lounging in bed. He makes me think about walks along the shore talking about everything. He reeks of the word companion, not simply fuck buddy. He makes me realize, in the grand scheme of things that I have something I hadn't believed in for a long time....options.
It's been a few days now. The intensity has started to dissipate, and life in it's routine has re-intruded on my fantasy. I still text him daily, and am still wondering what the hell happened. He's made some statements to me that make me wonder what he's about and what it is that he actually wants, and I realize I've spent so much time listening to the double speak of Satan and Jachin that I no longer know how to take someone at their word without copious positive reinforcement about said statements. I wonder about the men in my life, how I love them, what their role in my life really is. I've been thinking about what I really want, from everyone.
I treasure and value being excited by a man like this again. It has ignited a fire in me that has been dormant for a long time. Though I love all the men that play a role in my life, I have worked diligently to kill the penchant for expectation. If I don't expect anything, ever, I will never be disappointed. Ergo, I gave up the fire to wish for more. Perhaps the biggest turn on this man presents to me is that I don't merely look upon him as a tool. He is more in the great grand scheme than just a guy looking to get his rocks off with little regard to how he does it. He's discerning, he's picky, he's artful. And here's the clincher...I'll say it. He makes me feel like I'm enough to satisfy him. True or not, I'll think of him fondly for a long time for making me feel that again. Sharing is fine, but once in a while, it just feels good to be enough for someone. And I thank him for reminding me that I have the right to expect it, should I choose to.
Where am I and what am I doing?
I still haven't figured it out, and I'm not going to try right now. I prefer to take the ride and see how the road goes. Hopefully I'll enjoy the journey, and remember a few more things about who I am and what I have a right to want.
