So Cold

I've been using a saying on my pages.  Something to the effect of :  "If I am in love with the sun, I will get burned. So I must be the phoenix, and forever be reborn from the ashes. To live without my sun is to live in darkness, and to always be cold."

I am so cold lately.  Cold inside, cold outside, like some nascent creeping ice formed inside of my core and is just growing and growing, like a cancer inside. I'm sitting here now shivering, unable to find any spark inside to warm myself.  Unfortunately, I can't seek my covers until I vomit this blog out of my head.

Malcolm and I have started speaking to each other again, trying to at least be friends, maybe find some peace or solace from the other.  I'm not really sure what we're doing, honestly.  I know that he is the sun in my world, and his gravity pulls at me constantly, wanting to reach out to the man that was both my heart and my soul if only to touch and make that connection just one more time.  To try and find that spark, that heat that he surrounded me with every day that he was the center of my world.  I saw him last week, we went shopping together for the briefest moment, only to pick up something at WalMart that he needed, and then we went our own ways again.  A glancing kiss, but nothing else to hint that there was so much more.

Maybe I shouldn't have forced more, but really....I wanted to hold him for a second.  I needed his hug.  But his face.  I came towards him and his face was so hard and blank, still steeled with anger.  I never imagined he'd ever look at me that way, ever.  He relented, his face softening for a fraction of a second only, and he gave me that hug.  He wasn't into it though, and he couldn't wait for it to be over.  I knew then that something had died in him too, and the cold inside me began to grow.

This past weekend I had to attend an Affinity event as a co-host.  It's strange giving up that control and trusting someone to do a great job.  But the new hosts did just that.  They delivered a great party with many many happy guests.  I got to mingle, and dance, and chat and socialize.  I laughed, I joked, I kissed.  And I was never so acutely aware of being alone.  I ghosted through the Inn, listening to Journey's Open Arms, and I realized how numb inside I'd become.  I spent time with men and women who tried their damndest to make me cum.  And I felt......nothing.  There wasn't that orgasmic spark to reach for, there was silence.  All I could give them was fake because I just had nothing to give.  Dead Inside.

He called today to check how the party was.  I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how far I've sunk.  I did venture to tell him "I missed you this weekend".  "At the party?"  he asked.  "Yes" I answered.  "I wouldn't have been there anyways." he responded to me.  "I know." I ended.

Welcome back, Ice Princess.

Birthday Weekend

I stated in my last blog that I met JT purely by happenstance.  I had just wanted a quick night out, away from the pressures of being a mom and a caregiver.  I wanted to mingle with other swinger folk, and just be me for a minute, and I knew that the party down the road wouldn't be a big orgy fest, more like a get together of old friends who like to sit around and shoot the shit.  Meeting JT was a bonus of that night out, for sure, and a part of me had already made up my mind to find a way to include him somehow in my life as a friend...with benefits.  I also knew that I still had two Affinity parties left to assist in hosting, and that Malcolm in no way was interested in coming if he could avoid it.  So I set about asking JT if he'd like to help me out by being my date to Affinity in Sept.  He said yes, of course.

Things fell to hell with Malcolm, and I took a few days to grieve my loss, but to also realize that as much as I love Malcolm, the majority of our relationship is definitely cerebral, since we have distance constraints, and families, and jobs that interfere in seeing each other, as well as a host of other issues.  I had to decide not to be crushed by the loss, simply because in the end you CAN choose how you feel, and how you act.  We are not all doomed to act like psychos and stalkers when things don't go our way.  We can make a CHOICE to act like well adjusted and responsible human beings.  Plus, I'd always said, almost like a mantra, that relationships are sweet times where you get to share the road with someone, and inevitably, at some point, a different path will show up.  This was my fork in the road, or in his road.  I am proud of the time I spent as his lady, and cherish the time that he was my man.  But I'm not dying, and life does move on.

I realized that my BBW Group was clamoring for attention, and that if I didn't make a commitment to a party for them soon, I was going to lose them all.  I knew that I didn't want to host alone, so I casually asked JT if he'd be interested in hosting a group with me, the group I'd already told him some things about.  I told him I found myself suddenly single, and that hosting alone didn't hold any appeal for me.  He texted me two words:  "Call Me."

We must have spent about 3 hours on the phone talking, he was ludicrously easy to relate to.  We each spent some time discussing our mutually collapsed relationships, and how we were coping, and about what hosting meant to each of us.  JT is much younger than me, which gave me pause.  But he is intelligent, ethical, sexy as hell, and a wonderful chatter.  It was during the conversation that I told him I'd considered asking him to come with me to my friend Ian's birthday party, but had paused thinking he'd consider me to be either too forward, or just too freaky.  He said he'd think neither, and that he'd love to go.  And so it happened.

Ian and his girlfriend couldn't have been happier to meet JT.  Like they'd ever turn away a gorgeous, hung, BBC???  LOL!  We got to Ian's house, after driving 3 hours thru the hurricane, and I finally got to meet Ian's new girlfriend.  She was awesome, so friendly and welcoming.  She had an instant love for JT, and well, who wouldn't??  I'd asked Adria ahead of time if she'd shave me, and both she and Ian had thought it would be a great way for her and I to get to know each other.  We almost ran up to the shower, and lathered each other up and played for just a bit under the water.  Then she took me back to the bedroom to start grooming me.  She lathered me all up with a coconut scented shaving cream, and it was so rich and smooth.  She then got some very warm water, and started to shave me.  She'd stop to dribble some of that really warm water down my pussy, right down the slit, and it would make me clench, and rock my pelvis a little bit.  By the time she'd done shaving me, and rinsing all the cream and hair off, I was dying, and she knew it.  She dove into my pussy and ate me out, creeping some of her fingers into my creaming hole while she licked and sucked my clit.  She let me cum a little bit, and we made our way down to the living room where Ian had finally gotten home from work, and JT was watching some tv and chatting with him.

I saw Ian, and the saliva glands under my tongue went crazy.  I had to kiss him, had to fell him.  This was MY boytoy #1, and his scent was familiar to my animal.  I fisted my hand in his so soft curls and ate at his mouth...I bit at his lips, I sucked his tongue, and circled it, I pressed myself against him, rubbed my diamond hard nipples against his chest. That was hello.

I knelt between JT's knees then, and unzipped his jeans.  I took his hard cock out and I played with it in my mouth.  Adria laid over top of my back as I did it, and Ian fisted us both, but licked and fingered her until she squirted her hot cum all over my ass and pussy.  Then he moved to my pussy, and he licked me clean while making me squirt all over the hard wood floor.  I had, by this time, taken JT into and deep down my throat, because he's just that long, and the harder I came, the harder I shoved him down my throat.  Adria took a moment to sit her pussy on top of JT's face so that he could go down on her.  I have to say, the man is extremely talented with his tongue.  And his hands, and his long cock.

 

 He's thick, but not obnoxiously so.  He fits nicely in my mouth, doesn't get hung up on the back teeth, and slides easily past the uvula until you can honestly see the head of his cock like an Adam's Apple in my throat.  We decided to move the party upstairs to the bedroom at that point, where things would be more comfortable.  So up we all trucked, and Adria laid me out on the mattress so she could finish what she'd started earlier.  She fingered me, and ate me, and made me squirt all over her over and over again while behind her, Ian did the same to her, and JT encouraged me on.  The night became endless variations on the 4sum theme, all of us swapping out multiple times to have one of the craziest and most debauched nights I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.  And JT, who'd been VERY vocal about not getting to bed too late, was the last mofo to finally quiet down and go to sleep.

He was an awesome partner.  Considerate about my happiness, cuddly, sweet, and very caring.  And the fun continued that morning when we all woke up.  I was so horny, I started to rub my own clit, and JT reached over and ran his long thick fingers up my pussy, inserting a couple and fucking me with them.  So So good....I came and screamed like a fucking banshee.  Ian and Adria made us breakfast, and I retired to the bedroom with them for a threesome, while JT got to spend some time with Ian's roommate, who'd slept thru the previous night's festivities.  Ian, Adria and I concentrated on my love of Adria's cunt.  I ate her, and fucked her, and licked her cum.  I loved feeling her cum around my fingers, and tickled her clit while I made her squirt.  It was an amazing weekend, and I had a really great time.

JT and I made our way home, and talked some more about the group, about it's challenges, and how to solve them, and he became excited to help out, even pledging to help financially as well as physically, should I need it.  It's a welcome change to have his dedication and excitement, and it will be interesting to see how it all goes down.  I like JT, and I'm glad we got to spend some time together.  I'm looking forward to Affinity's Naughty School girl night, so that he can see the venue first hand.  And hey, I can't say I'm sorry about getting some more play time with him either.  :)

Little Surprises

Last weekend, before the apocalypse, I decided to attend a small house party that a friend of mine throws, which happens to only be about 5 minutes or so away from where I live.  I wanted to get out and relax, to laugh and joke with people I knew in a capacity other than work, or family.  I'd texted Malcolm to let him know I wanted to go, and started fucking with Jachin, telling him I was going with a date.

I got there on the later side, having to deal with getting home from work, feeding the troops, and getting Jujubear settled.  It was dark, but the party was going strong, with people chatting around the bonfire, and body art being applied.  I stopped to talk to the wonderful gentleman applying the body art, whom I love so much.  He's so generous, and has a wonderful sense of humor.  He owns an adult toy store in Maine, and often brings little goodies to parties to hand out or give away as prizes.  This night he took a moment to apply some body art to me, and was so sweet in his choice:

I loved my art, and proudly displayed it, even texting it along.  But this man wanted me to meet someone who he had also applied some art to, a young man he thought was the cat's meow.  And that was how I met JT.

We spent the rest of my time at the party doing that meeting dance that the opposite sex does when it's sexually aroused by someone.  We hung out, we chatted, laughed, gossiped, sat together, and talked about our fetishes, likes and dislikes.  We didn't do anything except dance together, me grinding up on his cock, him threading his fingers thru my hair and yanking me up tight against his body, all six feet of it.  Yumm.

I added him to my yahoo that night when I got home, and he instant messaged me the next day.  He was fun, sweet, young, and sexy as hell.  What a welcome distraction.  Things blew up with Malcolm, and I didn't talk to JT for a couple of days, but he popped up online one night afterward, and we talked.  He was also fresh out of a relationship that had ended harshly, and we both agreed that some wallowing time together would be awesome.  I decided to ask him if he was interested in helping me host my group through the winter, and he was absolutely excited by the prospect, and by the idea behind it.  After spending a scorching weekend together (that's a whole OTHER blog), we're in negotiations on dates and locations for the BBW group.  I even have Ian's approval on my choice, and it's great to know that old friends won't give me their back simply because Malcolm and I are no longer a couple.

So always, the universe provides what you need to make it through.  How interesting. LOL.

Saying Goodbye

Breaking up with Malcolm has been devastating.  I knew it would be hard, should it ever happen, but I suppose I figured we'd manage it amicably enough and remain friends.  I never imagined he'd take all his rage and turn the entire situation around on me and call it my fault.

Back when Jachin was first moving in with Malcolm, I made an egregious error.  I'd started to figure out, at the time, that things with the baby mommas weren't as innocent as Malcolm proclaimed them to be.  He'd always denied any sexual liason with them, all the while planting his own hints and clues that he was lying.  I was sitting in the car with Jachin and I asked him "I just ask one thing.  If Malcolm is doing something so outrageous and ridiculous that it really makes me become his fool, please don't let me be ignorant.  I know about a ton of things that I'm ok with, because we are in an open relationship.  But if he ever, in your opinion, plays me for a fool, please don't let me be in the dark.  That's the worst kind of betrayal."  And of course that was my fear carried over from Jachin himself, because that's exactly what he had done to me.

He of course said no way.  He intended to have a blast with his new roomie, and made no bones about it to me.  I took a breath then and just realized that I'd have to let it go and trust to God that it would all turn out ok.

Jachin has taken a million opportunities, over the past months, to plant innuendos and doubt, and half truths in my ear.  Things like "Malcolm isn't being faithful to you, why won't you fuck me without feeling guilty?"  Or laughing when I repeat what Malcolm had told me himself about a woman who he had "fired", and Jachin taking the opportunity to say "Yeah, RIGHT!!".  Or Jachin telling me about their 3sums, with random women, or baby mommas, or even me.  Seems they really were having a right good time up in the man cave.  That is, until I got to read Medusa's own words about their 3sum with her.  A 3sum that Jachin had set up, and that Malcolm had agreed to.

I absolutely hold both of them accountable for hurting me with this.  Jachin because he only ever thought of his own needs and wants, and not about my feelings, and because it seemed to be his undying wish to get me to cheat on Malcolm, and Malcolm to cheat on me.  And of course Malcolm for just being an idiot and saying yes.

Malcolm holds me accountable for planting a spy, aka Jachin, in his home and for being worse than Medusa as a person.  He's severed our relationship completely, kind of after the fact, by saying there is a clear conflict of interest simply because I remain Jachin's friend, and he is not worthy of my friendship.  Malcolm condemns my naivete and trust in a person who he insists is clearly the most untrustworthy bastard on the planet.

I was so angry that he'd twist the scenario to be ALL my fault that I just wanted to launch a tirade.  But at the end of everything I had to make a choice about how I'd act.  I can't control other people, I can only control myself and my responses and reactions.  I still love Malcolm, despite it all.  I will always love him as the man who's hand I knelt in, the man who took time to love and cherish me and make me feel like more of a woman than I've ever felt in my whole life.  He taught me tons, regardless of his infidelities.  Some may call that a lack of self esteem, but the raw truth is that he was good for me in so many ways.  He helped me claim my womanhood, helped me realize the depth of my sexual potential, helped me embrace my BBW-ness, and forced me to look in the mirror at a woman I'd always felt was plain and raggedy and see how she can be the most glowing and beautiful creature no matter her hair color, length, curliness or lack thereof, weight, makeup etc.  He pushed my limits all the time to make me grow and experience new things.  He inspired me to have confidence in myself, and he made believe that I was worthy of being loved.  No matter the ending, it was all worth it while I was in it, and I'd do it again, with some changes.

So I wished him all the love and well being in the universe, and I hope he lives a remarkable life because he is a remarkable man.  Yes, I'm still angry about any number of things, but the truth is that I get to choose how I feel.  Did he cheat without being honest about it?  Yep.  Did he betray my feelings by engaging sexually with the Psycho Stalker Bitch?  Yep.  Did he lie to me about any number of sexual liasons he had going on?  Yep.  I understand him, forgive him, and love him for the man he is in his heart.