Comfortably Numb

How did we get here? All the little silences along the way, the lack of time spent, the insinuations made.
A Giant Mistake.

I'm sad, and tired. And I miss him already, miss that reaching out to the other half of me, although it's never been a full half....maybe a third, or maybe one fifth. It wasn't enough in the end. I've not a doubt that he loves me to the best of his ability. I love him as much tonight as I always have. But the culmination of his lies and my insecurities has brought us to this point.

I can't change that he betrayed me with the one psychopath on earth that's an issue in my mind. I hope she enjoyed it, because she just cost him quite alot.

I hope in the future he and I can be friends. But our time together on the road is ending again, and I have to keep going.

I love you daddy, be well.

For Your Entertainment

I love my Dom, so much. My life is full because of my service to him, and he knows me, by now, well enough to anticipate my moods, my needs, and my desires. Our sex life often reflects his desire to be my Master, with him usually assuming the dominant positions and roles, pushing me to erase more and more of the lines that might restrict our pleasure, forcing me to accept things that might be uncomfortable, or embarrassing, or painful. Then showing me how those things will make me cum even harder.

My Dom has a definite kink, and it is something that I've never been comfortable talking about, not even yet. But though it is something that I'd never even have considered doing two years ago, I find it infecting my dreams now. He's insidious in his training methods, whispering to me, always whispering and infusing my subconscious with HIS wants needs and desires so that they inevitably become mine. I think the average person would pale and feel faint if they really knew what we did sexually. Many think that they want to know it all, Jachin did. But he found out, and he finds it hard to even talk to me about my sex life now, knowing what kinds of fantasies I fulfill for Malcolm. I suppose there are levels of freak-ness. I'm not at the level of people that like to be encased in latex and have their breathing cut off while they are being cut a thousand times. But I am most definitely my Master's sub.

I used the Adam Lambert video here because in A LOT of ways, my Master reminds me of him. Adam is drop dead gorgeous, and so is Malcolm. Adam has that instant sex appeal, and definitely so does Malcolm. Adam has that edge of danger to him, where you'd honestly believe he'd hurt you for pleasure. Malcolm has that intensity as well, he exudes his masculinity and sexuality like a fog around him. I've seen lesser men feel threatened by it, and watched womens eyes dilate with excitement when they see him. Adam seems like such a nice guy, but always has that edge. Malcolm genuinely IS a nice guy, but he most certainly has that edge and then some.

Today he absolutely shattered me sexually, so much so that he wasn't quite sure I was ok after. The extent of that orgasm was transcendent, and I experienced a total system shutdown afterward. I remember sucking his cock deep, I do so love to do that. He'd already made me cum downstairs on the futon, and we moved upstairs to his sanctum to continue. I crawled between his legs on the bed and felt him grow into my throat. I love when he's not fully hard, and I can play with his velvety smoothness in my mouth, then feel the head of his cock push it's way down my throat as his excitement grows from watching me take all of him that way. He'll put his hands on the back of my head and push me down as far as I can go, waiting for me to gag on him, loving the feel of that reflex and contraction on his cock.

I wanted to continue deep throating him, but he made me stop. He actually grabbed my hair and pulled me off his cock because he let me know that he wanted to lick my ass and fuck me long and hard in every hole I owned. He also wanted me to know that HE was in control, and I was to be obedient to him regardless that letting go of his cock was the last thing I wanted to do.  My mouth made a "pop" noise as he broke the suction, and a thick ribbon of spit came out, which he promptly licked and kissed off my face.

He had me scooch up the bed and get in a tight doggy position for him. His hand went into my sopping wet pussy and his mouth went straight for my ass as he rimmed and licked and tongue fucked me, all while fingering my spot to distraction. I knew he was excited and hard as a rock, and he decided to get his cock wet by fucking my drenched cunt, rolling himself in and over every wall inside, every spot that made me moan and beg for more from him. He loves hearing me get worked up, and he can tell by the cadence of my moans, and my pitch when I'm getting to a critical point. He uses those audio clues, along with the feel of my pussy contracting around his cock to know when he can push me to serve him well.

Malcolm loves to fuck my ass, could be there all day if he could find the time. Most of the time I love it too. Occasionally it hurts, especially if I'm not worked up enough when he decides to get to it. Sometimes it just hurts period, and no amount of being turned on will change that, but being hurt in another way will. But on the rare occasions that I am not hurting, and am so damn turned on I'm begging for it, and throwing myself into it with utter abandon, those are the moments that Malcolm strives for and basks in. This was one of those times.

His cock was glistening with my juice, and he prefers not to lube me artificially if he can help it. Somehow, even the most mundane and gentle of lubes can feel like it burns chemically in my ass. He was so wet, and so was I for that matter, that he just had to place the broad head of his cock against my hole, and press in with a steady constant pressure to have it open up like a flower in bloom. Malcolm is not a slouch where it concerns dick size and width, so even after all this time, he still stays himself at the beginning to give me a couple of moments to breathe into it, to let the crampy feeling subside, and to relax and just start fucking him back. He got wild then, his excitement taking over, as he slammed himself against me making sure that not even a millimeter of his cock was outside of my body. He'd rock his narrow hips against my ass literally burrowing inside of me trying to get deeper than ever.

This magical thing happens when we take anal sex to this level. I can feel his cock rubbing my spot right through that so thin membrane that separates my ass from my pussy. It happened this time, and it makes me push HARD, to the point that he has to slam himself back up in me to keep from getting pushed out. That pushes me over the edge and makes me come like a banshee, and it makes me squirt about a quart of cum. I remember screaming into the mattress, my face down while he felt my ass AND pussy contracting all around him, and I could feel the cum raining out of me for what felt like minutes, making a deep puddle on the bed. He had his hand in the stream, and was smearing it all over my back and ass, just fucking me like a mad man, slapping the bullshit out of my ass until it was red. He rubbed it all over his body as well, then leaned over me and fucked me while sliding his chest up and down my back, my own cum the lubricant between us. He leaned down to my ear, roughly grabbed a handful of my hair to pull it away from my face and to yank my head up to him "You like being my dirty nasty fucking whore?" "FUCK YES!!" I screamed back at him. "Yes WHO, damn you??" he demanded. I hesitated for a moment, and it was a moment too long as he wrapped my hair tighter around his fist and yanked again. "Yes Daddy" I purred, but he wasn't satisfied..."NOT good enough bitch, Yes WHO??" "Yes.....Master" I complied. I don't know why it was like yanking a tooth out to say it, it didn't come easy and he knew it. "You better remember that and remember who owns you." as he punctuated with his deep thrusts, his hand creeping back to my pussy to double penetrate me.

He did fuck both my holes for a moment, but wanted his cock in my pussy. So he switched, moaning at how hot and liquid I was, telling me how god damned good my pussy was. He once told me that he'd met other beautiful girls that were like stepping up to a Ferrari. They were elegant, exciting, and sleek, and he just wanted to work them up down and all around. But when he got inside that beautiful Ferrari, it was missing a damn gear, and couldn't go any faster than 45 MPH. He finds women that are restrictive or controlling or neurotic to be just that. A beautiful car that isn't fully functional and ultimately disappointing. I'd asked him then, well what the hell am I?? He looked at me with that look he gives me that's filled with the promise of a mess to come, and said I was like his Ducati Monster. I was Bad Ass, Hot Rod, Beautiful, and did things that would make other men shudder or run away.  I was special simply because I wasn't for everyone, I required a special hand to know what to do with me.  But that when the evolved man got ahold of me, it was the most amazing ride ever. LOLOL though a part of me would rather be a Bentley, I do acknowledge that I'm happy to be more about functionality rather than exterior. And after all, HE is the Bentley of this relationship, and God KNOWS he's CERTAINLY not missing any gears. :)

 It wasn't long after moving to my pussy that he came. I know it came as a surprise to him that it had happened, because he was trying to slow down, and then just did this "OH OH OH" thing and slammed himself back into my ass while he came buckets. His toes curled. LOL we raced each other to the shower, and he lovingly washed my back while I lathered my hair. He always finishes showering first, and he went back to the bedroom to clean up the nasty sheets while I finished rinsing. It was early still, and he wanted to rest and watch a movie together, so we did, but I was still feeling one orgasm that was stuck up inside of me. I could feel it when I'd move my pelvis, it was this pressure. I did start to rub my clit while he held me but the movie got good, and we just laid together to watch it. As it finally ended, Malcolm was tired and wanted a good half hour's nap before getting up to go to work. I had tried to let it go and forget about it so I laid there with him just feeling the mild burning of THAT SPOT. He'd triggered it briefly when he'd fucked my pussy for a minute before he came last time, and it just wouldn't be ignored. I did try to pull away from him but he wouldn't let me go, and he took my hand and put it in my pussy, encouraging me to rub it. I was so wet, he could hear it squelching, and he sat up to watch me do it. I do find it mildly disconcerting to masturbate in front of him, in the daylight no less, but I shut my eyes and just concentrated on feeling...everything. It was his undoing. He was hard again.

He pushed into me, and told me to keep rubbing my clit as he fucked me. Fuck...it felt so amazing, his cock hitting my spot, and my fingers dancing over my clit. But as he fucked me deep and slow, my clit dried up. I asked him to wet my clit, thinking he could just drag the wet tip of his cock over it and I'd be good, but he took it to mean I wanted his tongue, and he went down on me. Holy God...it was just what I needed. My clit was so swollen and his tongue was so hot, but there was still one thing missing. His Hand.

I pushed his hand, and he knew, he put his fingers up there and I could feel it then, it started in my scalp, radiating out and prickling the back of my neck and making my nipples pucker up. It made this heat blossom inside, in my uterus, and then as I breathed like a small train going up Everest, it broke, and I lost my fucking mind. I screamed like someone was knifing me, continued to fuck his hand until I almost broke it, and it just went on and on and on. I know somewhere in the midst of it, he snatched his hand back before I really did break his fingers off, and slammed his cock home so he'd be able to feel the contractions. They were hard, and they were long lasting and deep. It's not an ordinary orgasm when this happens, it's almost a full body orgasm, and I know he feels the difference when he fucks me through it. He says it feels like my pussy is chewing on his cock almost, it's that hard and intense. Regardless, it made him cum a second time AND made him lose HIS mind. He screamed and his eyes fell out and rolled around the floor with mine for awhile. LOL, it's our joke now that when I cum intensely, my eyes fall out because my face literally bruises around my eyes. Try explaining THAT to your doctor. :)

Because of the movie we'd watched, we didn't have time for a nap. I was a wreck, my legs were shaking, I had no strength in my arms or hands, and I just wanted to pass out. He wasn't feeling much better, but we both sucked it up and hit the road. I do know I served him well because he called me about 12 times from work to let me know what an awesome morning he'd had, and I concurred, thinking to myself that it would probably be a week before I needed any sex again, if I even recovered that fast, LOL. It was amazing, as always, and he marked and scented me again. I do belong to him, it's just that simple.

Yes, Master.

Remembering Three Wonderful Days...The Drive Home

The alarm clock was set for 5:10 am, but both of us woke up beforehand.  The drapes in the motel room were shut, but cracks of light were still streaming in, and we were conditioned to wake early to get ready.  We were both positively exhausted, but on this, the last day of the Trek, I was working at the very 1st rest stop, so I had to get out and get there so that prep would be finished in time for the first riders coming through.  So I thought.

Malcolm wasn't feeling up to Day 3.  He was hurting, his knees and ankles aching and sore.  He didn't want to do it, he wanted to quit.  I was speechless, quite frankly, I'd never figured that he WOULDN'T finish.  I told him to not make a decision immediately, to wait until after breakfast.  I asked if he'd come be a volunteer in the tent with me, and he looked at me like I was clinically insane.  Obviously I hadn't understood that his edict was for both of us.  WE were done.  He shooshed me gently, shut off the alarm, and curled into me to have us both get another couple of hours of sleep.

I was rather devastated.  I tried to build myself up to argue.  The volunteers were short handed, they were counting on me being there.  But here is where being in a D/s relationship can be difficult.  As my dom, he expects my compliance and obedience.  He'll listen to my argument, but the final decision is his.  I struggled to comply, to not get angry and rail against him and do what I wanted to do, which was to stay and honor my commitment.  However, we are not just two individuals hanging out together.  We are a couple, we are a family.  The needs of the family outweigh the needs of the individual.  I got that from Star Trek, Mr Spock.

As if to punctuate Malcolm's point, when we got to Colby to pick up his bike, it had a flat.  Now, yes there were a thousand options to have it repaired right there.  But Malcolm took it as one more sign that we were done.  Aside from the pain and marked lack of motivation he was experiencing, one of the biggest things that was bothering him was the fact that he didn't know the upcoming route, and he was tired of nasty surprises.  From the terrain map we'd been given, Day 3 was an awful day with many many highs and lows.

I texted my volunteer leader to let her know I was going to be unable to join them, feeling terrible and guilty.  Malcolm knew I was really struggling with obedience and conscience, and we went to eat breakfast.  I was, by this time, extremely sick of scrambled eggs with pancakes or french toast, since it was what we'd eaten every morning.  But free is a hard thing to pass up, so we partook, sitting with an almost 50 something woman who was getting ready for her final day's ride.  I almost thought that conversation with her would guilt him into it, into needing to finish, but no...he was set on his course.  He did want to make me feel better though, and so as we drove away, he told me he wanted to drive the last route, and see for himself what he'd have been up against, and what he intended to actually complete in 2011.  Truthfully, as I drove away with him, the knot of frustration loosened up and went away, and I was glad to just be able to spend the day with him leisurely, enjoying his company after such a hectic weekend.

So we drove from Waterville to Belfast on a gorgeous scenic drive, Malcolm interjecting here and there some hilarious quips like "You gotta be JOKING, look at the size of that hill!", or "See that guy?  He's wishing he were dead right about now.". LOLOL, we laughed, he held my hand, and we drove to the sea, just finally happy to be with each other.

From Belfast, we decided to take Rt 1 to get home.  Another gorgeous drive along the coast, we chatted about wealth, and people from away, and about being party hosts.  We talked about how wonderful it was to not be hosting right now, to just have time with each other whenever we wanted, to just be able to give each other our total sexual attention.  But we did both recognize that we'd probably want to host again come the fall.  Malcolm decided he wanted lobster, so we stopped at a little roadside shack that sold them, and he bought them on ice to take home.  We passed by my massage therapy school, and I got to reminisce about all the drives out to Waldoboro I'd taken while completing my certification.  It was a remarkably wonderful day, sunny and hot again, clear and beautiful.

As we arrived home, we unpacked his bike and bags, and I went up to the Man-Cave for a bit.  I was eager to be home because I missed my daughter, and I wanted family time with her as well.  Malcolm wanted to get to HIS daughter and get his family time in too, so we hugged for a long time, and kissed, and grossed Jachin out with our "lovey dovey" shit.  I do think it's funny that Jachin has the nerve to get uncomfortable with Malcolm and I being amorous after all the times I've had to watch him with whoever, or listen to his stories of the latest escapade.  Yet he'll sit at his computer and alternate between being pissed off and getting turned on while he listens to Malcolm fucking me repeatedly.  He's kind of becoming the creepy old man lurker.  The only thing missing is him actually standing in the doorway watching us while he fondles himself. LOLOL

I got in the car to drive home then, so tired I was having a hard time.  Malcolm just knew, somehow that I needed to hear his voice, so he called while I was driving, and kept me talking so that I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel.  I drove home like that, with him tucked into my ear, his uber deep sexy voice purring to me, making me laugh, making me remember every last erotic detail, and finally getting me into my driveway safely.  My daughter, who I'd picked up on the way went upstairs with me to go take a much coveted nap, and we snuggled together in our big bed, hugging each other and bringing the weekend to a sweet close.