The Quiet House

Sentiments of lust, hushed laughter, and easy unrestrained conversation...our quiet houses lending each of us a feeling of peace. Malcolm and I talked for hours, not watching the clock, not thinking about sleep, only feeling the phones grow hot beneath each of our ears as we discussed our weekend, his roommate, our relationship, our upcoming party, and our children. With all of my noisemakers in bed asleep, my quiet house had that soft hum that resonates from the whir of electricity sparking life into the combined appliances. His house was even more quiet. It was like being on an island together, no outside disturbances for a bit. Time for bed now, each of us alone, but surrounded by the glow of the other persons unconditional love like being enfolded in a warm soft nest. I dream about him now, dream about him like he's right near me, hear his voice, wake up feeling his touch. I remember last night I dreamt I slapped his ass as he walked by me, and I woke not 10 seconds later still feeling my arm twitch, and my hand sting. Somtimes I feel his mouth on my neck, and I hear his deep dark virile purr in my ear. Those mornings, without fail, he calls. It's good that I'm stranded in my quiet house tonight, my head filled with his rumbling voice explaining his fantasies. I might have been tempted to run to HIS quiet house and make some of them come true. LOL.
Sweet dreams.......

The Difference Between Night and Day

The computer in the Man Cave is fucked up. Plain and simple, and by the hand of both men, the computer may not live to see another day. Malcolm loves to cruise nasty porn sites, and Jachin has a bad habit of clicking on those pop ups that say "Your computer is infected, click here to fix it!!!" Well, for those of you that DON'T know, your computer probably wasn't infected UNTIL you clicked on that pop up, then it was for sure. So between the both of them, this machine is jacked, and to ice the cake, it had no installed active virus protection program. POW!

I drove up yesterday afternoon with the Jujubear to spend some time trying to fix it. Jachin was around, and he let us in, and spent time playing with Juju on the Wii. They are in a fierce competition in Frisbee Golf, and I'm not sure who had more fun...Jachin or Juju. LOL So I worked, and like the big bad wolf, I huffed and I puffed and I didn't blow a damn thing down on this computer. I ran Ad-Aware, which removed 187 threats and actually allowed me to navigate the PC back online. Ad-Aware is a free spyware removal tool that you can find at www.lavasoft.com. I did then manage to get AVG Free edition installed (for those that would like an awesome free virus protection program, visit www.grisoft.com and look for the AVG Free Home edition, it rocks.) Having installed an actual virus software, I scanned the PC, and took a moment to chat with my friend Merlin about computers and how to fix them, and listened to him laugh and repeat his litany "Jesus FUCK, it's garbage now! Wipe it clean and do a Factory Reboot!!" AVG had isolated a virus and quarantined it, some trojan downloader. I rebooted, and quickly learned that the PC was even more fucked up. LOLOL. But children take priority, and after hugs and kisses, and a couple of bites, I left Malcolm to come home, promising to see him the next morning.

We'd talked, Malcolm and I, during the whole PC debacle, of how he trusts me like no one else. He has also made me Trusted and Loved, given me all of his passwords, and allowed me unsolicited access anytime at the Man Cave. I'll be taking his laptop home with me soon to fix that as well. What man do you know who would be comfortable having his girlfriend have unsupervised, unlimited access to his personal laptop? Not many would be willing to have all their secrets revealed. I was positively glowing last night from the fact that our relationship had escalated another notch on the belt, gone another milestone.

This morning I headed back to the Man Cave, early even, to finish fighting with the beast, and to hopefully get a little personal time with Malcolm. I couldn't reach him on the way up, which kind of bothered me. I had some communications with Jachin, all vague and sketchy. I had kept losing the signal with him, but not only would Malcolm not open the door, Jachin wouldn't come downstairs either. I couldn't understand why nobody would let me in. Malcolm's car was there, and why would they make me stand out in the cold? After some words with Jachin, I left to come home, unable to stop the tears from gliding down my face.

Malcolm called me, and I just couldn't speak to him. He called back a half hour later, and I decided it was time to put my big girl panties on and confront him. When he heard my tear stained voice, he asked what was wrong, like he had no idea. Then he asked me why I wasn't at his house....
I kinda lost my mind and launched into a tirade on him, only to find out we'd simply had a communication breakdown. Shit.
He'd had an appointment this morning that I'd forgotten about, and he'd thought I'd be arriving back at his house at my normal time. And Jachin hadn't been home at all, but I hadn't heard him tell me that at any time, and it made perfect sense, taking into account all of his questions to me and his hedging answers. Not only had Jachin not made it clear to me he hadn't been there, he couldn't have let me in anyways because HE was locked out, having forgotten his own house keys. He also told me later that he'd been forbidden by Medusa to assist me, since he was hanging out with her. Nice. I realized in that moment how much baggage of insecurity I was still carrying around with me from my previous relationship, all that wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I guess some small part of me is still waiting for a Malcolm shoe to drop, except it still hasn't.

Malcolm was so concerned over my mental well being today, that he called to check on me every hour. He was so incredibly sweet, offered to provide me with physical proof of his where-abouts if I needed it, and reassured me that he loved me and that nothing had changed overnight. He wanted me to know that he wasn't cheating on me and leaving me out in the cold, that he would never do that to me. He wanted me to believe that he values our relationship, that he is happy with me. He wanted to know that I wasn't going anywhere. He told me how much he loved that I could challenge him mentally and keep him interested. And he loves that I accept the challenge OF HIM, and stay to earn his trust and love. I feel incredibly blessed by the universe to have this beautiful, quirky, intelligent, and sexy man as mine. And I feel so cradled and cherished by him.

Tonight Malcolm was so funny. "So....do you think you can come back and fix the PC?" He so hesitantly asked me, like he was afraid it would become the sorest subject in the universe. LOL, "Yes, I'll finish it." I promised I'd be back early next week to finish the job. The nice part is that the extra time has given me more opportunity to consult with Merlin, my modern day wizard friend. To learn things like ...how the hell do you start a PC in safe mode? I know it used to be by holding the shift key. Now it's this tap tap on the F8 key, which by the way....DIDN'T FUCKING WORK!!! Apparently I was either tapping too fast or too damn slow? It's also given me more opportunity to make Merlin laugh at me some more. So I devised a strategy to fix the Man Cave PC, using an old recovery disc containing Windows Millennium, and an upgrade to Windows XP I've yet to find. I didn't want to tell Merlin, because I knew his revulsion to the atrocity that was Millennium would cause another peal of laughter to be forthcoming. I wasn't wrong. In fact, I know he's still laughing right now. All I can say is this "DON'T BE A HATER, IT WAS A GREAT IDEA!" LOLOL, tainted by the stench of Millennium or not, at least the Man Cave PC will be functional, PROTECTED, and at some point, actually upgraded to XP again, if only I can find that damn disc. :)

So Raw

Sometimes I love him so much it hurts to breathe. I can feel my chest fill with air, see the rise and fall of my breasts, but just for a moment feel that tight knot, similar to dread, but altogether different...so much more. It's like he knows when I'm thinking of him. He senses when I'm talking about him. He calls when I'm missing him. Lately, it's been uncanny....he just KNOWS.

I missed him so much this weekend. Not to bust on Jachin, but it's just not the same. I love Jachin for who he is, I love him as my friend and my lover. But it's Malcolm I need. Malcolm that is the jigsaw puzzle piece that finishes the picture. He fits, snug and tight, just right, so very right. He missed me too, wishes I'd have been with him, his mate, his partner....his lover...his woman. He told me never to say no to him again, never again without a DAMN good reason. And he hugged me tighter to him, reassuring me he understood my reasons. Then he made slow sweet love to me.

No domming, or hardly any. He said right from the get go that he wanted this to be sweet, he wanted to enjoy me, love me, soothe me. I told him it was ok, it didn't have to be the same all the time, that different is always good, and always so damn good with him. God, the way he touches me. It's been nearly two years now, and he knows my body, has mastered things I never knew were possible. I almost cry when I think of how much time he gives me, how much pleasure. It's overwhelming, it destroys us both for the day. It makes me want him more.

My blogs are always so full of details. This time, this one, is about the big picture, the feeling we were left with in the aftermath of our lovemaking. Laying with him, tracing his tattoos and rubbing his velvet skin it felt like being inside a warm velux bubble. We were happy, so genuinely and completely happy, just being together. No cares, no worries, nothing except his body heat, my softness, and our love and humor bubbling up and out of both of us so that the room was filled with soft throaty laughter, like the rumbling purr of a contented cat.

Who do I belong to? No question...I'm Malcolm's. I told him I'd always come home to him, but he stopped me to correct me. We'll always come home to each other.

This Business of Swinging

Malcolm and I officially inherited another swinger's group last week. Since September, we've been hosting for the group, Affinity. But last week we got ownership lock, stock, and barrel. After talking it over, we decided to make it work for us, and for everyone involved, and to do it our way, Period.

Treating such a thing as though we are managers is really the only way to make it work efficiently. Running a club as a democracy is ludicrous, essentially. Until someone Else's money and time is on the line, they are all armchair events planners. People will always have complaints and "suggestions", and some of them will be valid. The majority, though, will be considered, and the final decisions will be ours. There is also a super sweet lady and her husband helping us in this endeavor. They have been so supportive and motivational for me.

Probably the best motivation of all has been Malcolm coming on board with the group 110%. He's always been rather on the fence about Affinity. It's not really his thing. It's very social, very showy. He's all about the nitty gritty action. But he has come to terms with the fact that people are in different stages of the journey, and although he and I are in that last upper echelon, the majority of people will never get there. They want a fun night out, a memorable party, someplace where they can dress up and look at others or have others look at them. They want to drink, to dance, to make merry, and to make some new friends. Malcolm acknowledges that there is merit to such an event, that it has a wider circuit appeal than, say, a hotel party. So he's given his word to help me make it work, and we chose this weekend to network the bullshit out of other groups and spread the word that WE are the new owners, and that the Drama in the group is at an end.

Malcolm had asked me to attend a party with him in Mass this weekend. I wanted to be with him, because of course I love to be wherever he is. But I could tell that he wanted to attend with his friend, and since he is so incredibly generous with me, allowing me to attend events with just about anyone, I wanted him to know he had my full support and trust as well, and I told him to have a great time, but to mention us to the group owner he would be meeting. He heartily agreed. I, on the other hand, chose last minute to attend a party close to my home with some people I was already acquainted with, in an effort to boost support in our group again, and give people the opportunity to place the face with the name. I took Jachin with me, since he was at my house anyways and I had a couple of hours to shower and change while he dawdled on the PC.

Jachin is so considerate when we're spending time together. We are friends now, but there will always be the memory that exists of that other time. It's so comfortable to slip back into relating to him, even when he makes me furious. LOL Just like old times. But he really does make a fantastic date when he knows that no matter what happens, he'll be taken care of at the end of the night. We spent time laughing and chatting with people there, I recruited, and we both enjoyed our hostess's superior cooking. Jachin is still so shy, but he opened up towards the end of the night, flirting and laughing with a couple of ladies, even collaring one with me. He tried to set up a 3sum for us, but the lady had already tired herself out and was getting ready to head home. He got her number though, and will be working on that. It's always wonderful to watch him flirt. He's such a happy thing, with his smile, and his shyness all blended together with that Purpose he has for everything he sets out to accomplish.

We came home early, the party was winding down, and there hadn't been much real action. I'd asked Jachin if he'd wanted to start something in the open room, knowing I shouldn't tease him like that. He doesn't like fucking in public, he doesn't like everyone looking at his big cock. He's never liked it, I can remember even back to our second party how it bothered him to whip it out and have people coo and aww over it. I was disappointed at not finding a lady partner to play with. Jachin hasn't seen me eat pussy in awhile, and he's been harping on it, would love to see one of my girlfriends sit on my mouth while he fucks my pussy. He gets so turned on by it, it makes him go down too, which I just love to tease him about. After watching Malcolm eat me, he's all but given up eating me LOL, but I do think it's sweet when he makes the effort to pleasure my girlfriends. I like seeing him do it, even knowing he doesn't really think he likes it.

He wanted me to sit on his fat cock and ride him with my back to him. It was a great Idea, and really spread my pussy out so that he was deep inside. But my short legs killed the idea early on. He pushed me over to the bed and put me on my hands and knees for him so that he could see my still bruised ass while he pounded in to me, listening to my wetness squelch out and spray him. He wrapped his fists in my hair and pounded into me, coming hard and fast. For his 3rd orgasm of the day, he was incredibly impressive. LOL, I hadn't cum, and he knew it, and he let me suck his cum and my cream off his cock, loving the way I'd gag and drool all over him. It keeps him hard to feel that thick spit coating his cock, and running down onto his balls. Malcolm taught me that trick, and has helped me perfect it. Jachin was able to push way down my throat and make me gag so hard it got scary messy for a minute. But I was so turned on, had my fingers buried in his cum, rubbing it all over my clit, and licking it off my fingers and thinking about having Malcolm's head buried in my pussy.

The stimulation started to be too much for him, and he pulled out of my mouth with an audible pop from breaking the suction, a ribbon of spit still connecting us. He put his clothes on, and I asked him if he would fuck me with my favorite toy. "Is it a big one?" he asked. "Yep, the biggest I have." I answered. It wasn't crazy big, but a good 9 inch thick black dildo that Malcolm gave me. Jachin got that look in his eye, and said "Yeah, yeah...I'll do that". He fucked me hard with it, and I rubbed my clit until the pressure was so huge and I came so hard I pushed the dildo out and squirted on his hand and arm. He knew I wasn't done, and fucked me with it more, and I came again, totally spent. I was exhausted, but Jachin had spent most of his day sleeping, and wasn't tired. So, as we argued about why he HAD to drive home to Portland, even knowing he had to turn around and come back the next day early was beyond me. But I was too tired to argue, especially knowing it involved one psycho or another, so I snuggled under the blankets as he kissed me goodnight, made sure I was tucked in, told me he loved me, and went on his way covered in my body fluids.

I will be trying to convince Malcolm to author a blog about his adventures and thoughts soon. Malcolm actually encouraged me to write this in it's excruciating detail for our audience. I will be spending tomorrow with Malcolm, and then with Jachin. What a day it promises to be.

Hanging Out

Friday was an unexpected bonus day with Malcolm. I had the day off, and he invited me to come up and hang out with him. I was so pleased to get to spend some quality time with him, that I woke early and even surprised my daughter by driving her to school instead of rushing her to the bus stop. I had time to visit with my brother, and then make the short drive to the Man Cave. It was nice to know that Malcolm and I would be alone, not to dis Jachin any, but sometimes it's just nice to have private time with the man I love. Neither one of us really felt like having sex, we were both kind of sexed out, truthfully. I don't really write about all of our encounters, only the ones that make good story time. We have so many other times that we just share each other, make love, and yes, hang out. But since the holidays, hang out time has been truly scarce. Now that the holidays are done and gone, we have time again to relax and chill.

Malcolm had me in his room while he worked out. I've never watched him before, he's an incredibly private creature. He admitted hating having girls watch him because he tended to show off for them and hurt himself. I told him I'd kick his ass if he did that. I was watching his form and critiquing him. I may not do much exercize myself, but as a Massage Therapist, I certainly know when someone's going to fuck themselves up. He laughed and told me I could work on him AFTER he was done. He reiterated how I was privy now to the deepest darkest secrets of the Man Cave, and how special I should feel. I did tell him that I'd roll my eyes a little higher into my head if I wasn't scared they'd get stuck there. He said it was what he loved so much about me was my ability to take it all in stride, to not act like a high strung mess of a woman who had to keep tabs on every last minute of her man's life. I just smiled my secret smile at him, and went back to watching PBS Kids. LOL

His strength and fluid grace are stunning. I do try to act nonchalant around him about it, but his beauty still floors me every time I look at him. Watching him shirtless, and with only his boxers on, lifting hundreds of pounds of weights, or chinning up effortlessly is an experience nobody could forget. He'd stop, in the middle of it all, and come over to kiss me and tell me how pretty I looked, then go back to his next set. And I know he watched me to see if I was watching him too. When he was done, he was true to his word, and let me work on his back. I could smell his sweat, that musky earthy scent of him, and it instantly turned me on. He wanted naked massage, but I warned him we didn't really have time for all of that anyways. So I worked his lower back, flipped him over and worked his Ilio-psoas and made him grunt. I abused his pecs some, and made him tackle me to the bed for daring to poke my thumb into him. He kissed me soundly and told me to come help him shave.

Caring for the needs of a black man is much different from caring for those of a white guy. Black men are much more high maintenance when it comes to physical care. Shaving is a whole deal in itself that when not done right, can cause their whole face to break out. Jachin's never gotten the real hang of it, still insists on using a razor and shave gel. And because of it he still gets his hair bumps. Malcolm has the ritual perfected, and his skin is always lovely. He won't shave his face because his hair there is so course and nappy that it WOULD cause massive bump action. The hair on his head, by contrast, is so soft and supple...and straight for that matter, that he is actually able to simply shave his head and be done with it. I helped him with it, getting the crease in the back of his skull and his neck. He really does have the most beautiful head. He showered, and I lotioned him up with his cocoa butter creme. His back, especially with all those tats gets so dry, and of course he can't reach his own, so it's always a treat for him when I'm there to do his back well. I so cherish the times he actually lets me care for him, because it's so rare.

Malcolm is fastidious about caring for ME, and it was wonderful to get to be the one reciprocating finally. He takes care of all of my sexual grooming. He likes to play with differing lengths of my pussy hair, so he gets to decide when he wants to trim it or shave it or do whatever he likes to do to it. He always lotions me liberally when I shower there. He cleans my glasses for me, picks out my clothes sometimes. Friday I got to pick out his shoes for him, and comment on his clothes. It was fun, he was letting his control go for a minute to let me BE his girlfriend. LOL. God bless him for it, I know it's hard for him.

Altogether too soon it was time for him to go to work. I wasn't leaving with him, I was waiting for Jachin to get home with his new "friend", whom he wanted me to meet. I couldn't stay late, but I had made a promise to hang around long enough to meet her. I kissed Malcolm goodbye, handed him his keys, and waited the 10 minutes or so it took Jachin to come home. He didn't have his new friend with him, so I spent some time talking with him too. What's nice about my relationship with Jachin is that yes, we boink, but we are friends first, and he's always happy to just hang out with me. I love hanging out with him too, he's fun that way. Of course, it's how our relationship's been for the last 2 years. I did, however, have a ton of errands to complete, so he walked me down to my car and kissed me goodbye, promising to call me later.

What a great day!

Trapped in the Man Cave!

Men are such evil creatures. I love them, God knows I do. But they are insanely evil at their core. Especially since both Malcolm and Jachin are laughing at me for this still. The above video absolutely expresses my genuine feelings about the guys and their little rant about their "Man Cave". It started out as such a wonderful day....

I had to face Malcolm, following my sexcapade with Jachin the day before. Malcolm knew what had happened, maybe not all the intimate gory details, but he knew the gist of it. He certainly knew to expect me to be sore and colorful, LOL. I did my best to look pretty for him. I did my hair the way he likes it, used his favorite lipstick, the one that tastes good, and wore a new dress that had been given to me over New Year's. The dress was sexy, but so much shorter than I like. Exactly how Malcolm likes them...cut just below all that ass. Malcolm had opened the doors for me and was waiting for me at the top of the stairwell. He reminded me to lock the door behind me, as we don't want any psychos sneaking in while we're busy. I locked up, headed up, and took off my coat. I sat on the futon while Malcolm inspected me, really liking what he saw. Jachin was still asleep, having had a rough night that night before, and was snoring up a storm in his room. I went into his room purposefully to shove his CPAP up his nose when his eyes flew open and he glared at me like he'd bite my hand off if I touched him, not unlike a wounded rabid animal. He can be such a bitch in the mornings. Malcolm and I went upstairs, Jachin having decided the night before that he'd sit this one out. I'd told him I'd wanted to go shopping with Malcolm the night before, but I seriously thought he was taking the morning to get himself together after his night with Jim Beam. Malcolm and I decided to enjoy each other.

Malcolm had stripped off my bra down in the living room right after I'd gotten in. Something about those padded bras drive both him and Jachin up the wall. He didn't want my dress off, just the bra, so he could reach his hand down the neckline and grab a handful of breast. Upstairs in his bedroom, he had me take off my panties and kneel on his bed. He wanted to see my ass, he wanted to see what Jachin had done. He lifted my dress over my ass, and I heard him groan his approval of the bruises. "Got what you wanted, my dirty whore?" "Yes!." And he landed his hand, with all his considerable strength behind it, on each and every one of the bruises and welts that Jachin had made. He claimed them all, and it hurt so much. I turned to look at him, and said "You hit like a fucking girl". LOLOL He lost his mind.

He gave me enough time to take my dress off so I wouldn't ruin it, and he backhanded me. He grabbed my jaw in his fist and told me I was going to take his cock up my ass and then clean it for him with my mouth. The discipline began in earnest. Thank God. He got my ass ready for him with his tongue, rimming me hard and making sure I was wet. He rammed his cock into my pussy, and shoved his fingers into my ass to open it, and when his cock was coated with my cream, he pressed it into my ass until his balls slapped me. He fucked me hard, made me scream, made me want to fuck him back. It hurt, it made me want to squirt, and I rode that line of pain and pleasure until I did squirt all over him. He flipped me over onto my back and buried his head in my pussy, eating me hard and with no mercy until I came over and over again at his will. He sank his fist inside of me and fucked me with his hand until I squirted on his face. With a puddle under my ass, he forced his cock into my pussy and wrapped his hand around my neck demanding "Who do you come home to?" "Always you Malcolm". And he fucked me and put his print on me at the same time as I fought him. He made me come, he made me yip with pain until he knew I would kneel as his flower in submission once more. He gave me what I begged him for. He slammed his cock back into my ass and came there, filling me up and telling me his dirty fantasies, telling me what he would eventually do to and for me.

He helped me gently to the shower then, and we cleaned each other up. We made love there without sex, and teased each other with random lines from Monty Python. I rubbed him with lotion, and he dried me off, and we went to lay down and sleep a bit. We did doze, but he'd left a porn flick on, and I was still having aftershocks from the last orgasm he'd given me. He woke up with a start, worried about oversleeping, and I had to cum again, just once more. He loves to watch me masturbate, loves how I get myself off. He'd get his fingers full of my cream and make me lick them clean, then he rubbed my g spot as i circled my clit. I could feel the orgasm building, winding tighter and tighter inside of me, but it seemed so desperately out of reach. I came so fucking hard I screamed like I was dying....and then did it again.

He had to go to work then, and he retrieved my bra for me so I could dress privately. My legs were shaking as I got dressed. I kissed him goodbye, went to the bathroom, and tried to tame my hair into some semblance of decency. I heard him tell Jachin that I'd be down in a few minutes, and then he was gone. I went down stairs to find Jachin glaring at me like he'd stab me as soon as fuck me. He was pissed.

Jachin had been waiting for Malcolm and I to go on that shopping trip I'd told him about the night before. He had sat there and listened to the whole scene, debating whether or not to join us, but thinking we'd probably be done any time. LOL, silly man. He saw my face and was concerned that I was taking the bdsm thing too far. I reminded him that he'd done worse, and showed him the pictures to prove it. He chuckled, and asked if I wanted to play Wii while he went to do his errands? The day suddenly caught up to me and I sat on the futon, feeling ready to pass out. Jachin helped me to his bed and tucked me in, and the last thing I remember was hearing him say he'd be back in a bit. His big boy bed is so comfortable.....

I woke up to Malcolm's call a few hours later. HOURS???? REALLY???? Malcolm was laughing at me when he found out I'd passed out. He told me he was really fucking tired too, and asked me if I'd had lunch? Well, no, I hadn't, and I hadn't really had much breakfast. A bad scene when you're trying to control your blood sugar levels. I'd also forgotten my coffee in the car...the car that Jachin had. I went to go rummage through the fridge, alone for the first time in the Man Cave.

Now, let me just preface this by saying I know more than a few women who would do some serious damage for some time to themselves in the sacred Man Cave. I'm sure they'd love to ruffle through both men's possessions and see what they can find out. I'm sure they think they'll discover all kinds of juicy shit. So here I was alone in the bear's den, with the passwords to all the computers in the apartment for that matter, and I could have cared less. I wanted lunch. Having the kind of sex that Malcolm and I do usually requires some sustenance after. I went to the kitchen and opened up the fridge. About 12 kinds of dip. Molded Chili. A bread pudding I'd made for Jachin on Christmas Eve. Bologna. Bread to make toast, but no butter. Six boxes of opened cereal, but no milk. Chips, bourbon, and vodka galore. JESUS GOD, HOW THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS EVEN ALIVE?????

I found some yogurt and an apple that was only about 1/4 rotten, and snacked on those. I wondered if maybe they used the chip dip on the toast instead of butter. I went to the computer and couldn't figure out how to turn the fucking thing on since Malcolm had taken the housing off the tower, and hence the ON BUTTON WAS MISSING. I called Jachin and bitched him out up one side and down the other for leaving me there alone with nothing but 22 remote controls and some bad food. He did coach me on how to turn the computer on, thankfully, so I could finally have something to do besides play Wii or watch scary porn. I spent some time fucking with them about the Man Cave over my Facebook page. LOLOL. I did the dishes, I put Malcolm's bathrobe away, neatened the bedrooms. And I wished for my knitting. For SOMETHING to do while Jachin left me there for hour after hour after hour. And I thought about all those women who would have killed to be where I was. The thing is, I know just about everything I need to know about both men. They are honest with me to a fault. And the hilarious part is that now what one won't tell me the other will. I don't need to rape through their private stuff to find anything on them. I love them both just as they are. I did however ruffle thru Malcolm's pictures on his pc, even though I've seen them all before, and I stole 2 of them for my own private use. Both are pictures of him that are amazing. One of them I will print on photo paper and hang in my room. The other is for my phone. So it wasn't all for nothing I guess. But if I ever needed any affirmation of my femininity, spending an afternoon alone in the man cave...in a DRESS no less....gave me all the positive reinforcement I could ever need. I was never so happy to see Jachin as when he came home and rescued me!

Of course I exaggerate about the Man Cave. Not about the contents of the fridge though, that is a true accounting. Although they did have some quality food in the freezer, I think, I didn't really want to rape through all the cupboards looking for pots and pans to try and cook something of questionable age. LOL. The apartment itself is quite neat and clean, just to make sure I don't misrepresent. But it so is not woman friendly somehow. Perhaps it's because there isn't any shampoo for my hair. Or maybe it's because every soap they use smells like Axe. It could be the fact that the toilet is missing it's cover and is faintly reminiscent of Cheech and Chong. Or perhaps all that workout equipment, and those bicycles...all 200 of them. And it just wasn't fun without either of them home to entertain me. Whatever the case, i do feel incredibly blessed to be so Trusted and Loved that they can leave me there and feel totally safe and secure in the knowledge that nothing is amiss. And that I'll do their damn dishes.

Topping from the Bottom

I do have a nasty habit, as a sub, to antagonize my dom(s)and "egg them on" to get what I want from them. It had all started with Jachin, way back in the day.....

Jachin introduced me to rough sex in a way that made sense to me. I'd been brutalized in the past, but it had always just felt like just that...brutality. Jachin took the time to ease me into it, to explain his kink, and go slow, always showering me with love after to make sure my mind knew, without a doubt, that there was nothing but love in his heart when we engaged in this. We had a safe word, which I never used, and even though I approached what I was sure was my limit many times, it was always wonderful in the end, and exactly what I needed or wanted. Here's a bit of a blog I'd written a year ago pertaining to this subject:

"I suppose that "Rough Sex" has different connotations for different people. Some people might think it is about deep penetration, or fast sex. Some might think it has to do with ass smacking and hair pulling. Maybe it has to do with some biting and scratching. Or maybe it has to do with any number of variations and combinations of the above.
Or maybe it's more. Maybe it's about domination and submission. Maybe it includes pushing your partner to their limits, exploring the fine line between pleasure and pain...maybe crossing it a couple of times. It might involve tears. It might involve humiliation. It might involve sketchy looking bruises the next day. For some people it might involve caning, or whipping....maybe even cutting.
Jachin loved rough sex. He was a good one for riding that fine line, and even better at crossing it without a thought when he'd been drinking. Was I just being battered, you might ask. Well, no. You can't really call something battering when it's consensual. Especially when the recipient is baiting the giver, and desiring the outcome. So here we come to the realm of safe words. I had one, once upon a time. Some days, I remember what it is. I've never EVER used it, however. Either I couldn't think of what it was at the time, or my pride wouldn't let me break. Granted there were moments I thought I couldn't handle, when the line got crossed a little too hard and fast. And the next day consequences were harsh as well. Being a girl with ultra fair skin means that I bruise quite easily. QUITE easily. So there were days that required a heavy hand on the makeup. But it definitely created an infinitely tight bond between us, one that is still pretty unbreakable. For me, it was knowing that he'd give me whatever I wanted. For him, it was understanding that I could take whatever he needed to give. It was a good match that way.
Being in a relationship with someone that knows exactly where your limits are and can ride the razor sharp edge between intimacy and brutality is strangely erotic. It's an intimacy that few can understand because in some way, your lover holds your life in his hands, and you trust him to do so. To this day, no matter the fucked up mess that Jachin has made of our relationship, I trust him with my life. I trust him to race to my side should I need him. I know, without a doubt, that he holds me still as his flower. Nobody in his or my life could really change that. But that intimacy, that soul bond, is only one aspect of the rough sex relationship. There is a high, maybe endorphins, maybe something else, that is released with the pain, and combined with a sexual high is incredibly addictive. You find yourself looking for more, for deeper, for more prolonged accentuated violence to meet your need. It can get scary, I think, when it's the staple of your sex life."

Over the few years that I engaged in bdsm with Jachin, and now with Malcolm, We've never really used more than a collar and an open hand. But I've started thinking about the next level, about being bound to the top Malcolm's door jamb, my naked back to him while he explored the limits of a flogger, or a cat o' nine tails. I was discussing this with Jachin casually, as he was driving to my house, wondering about his take on the whole thing, not really thinking about the fact that New Year's Eve has opened up our sexual appetite for each other again. I wanted his opinion, knowing that he's never really been into artificial means of hitting. Jachin has always been a huge advocate of using his hand, his "Fist of God" LOL, as I used to joke about his heavy handed spankings. He loves feeling the skin heat up as he smacks it, loves seeing his hand print bloom on the pale cheek of the ass he's disciplining. But something about my conversation struck a chord with him, and even though he'd already cum that morning, he was hard as stone envisioning me restrained and unable to fight him back. He decided he would dom me, harder than he ever had before, and going further with more props than ever before. He told me to be naked and waiting for him, no questions asked, or to expect consequences for disobeying. I kind of laughed at him, asking him if he was serious, and he had that chill calm he gets when he is completely serious. I didn't know if it was going to work out, but thought, what the hell?

Jachin has always HATED the fact that I've topped him from the bottom. He goes a little mental when I bait him and poke his bear. I used to do it to get him to be rougher, when I wanted it. I always knew it was a sure bet, in the end, to look him in the eye and say "What are you going to do about it, BITCH?" His pupils would dilate a bit when he'd hear me say it, and you could see his cock twitch and get harder knowing a total ass whooping was not only going to be available to him, but probably enhanced by me fighting him back. I still have a bad habit of baiting Jachin, or playing with his erections at my leisure, and toying with his wants and needs. I pushed him over the edge with my imagery yesterday, and his first words, when he arrived in my bedroom yesterday, were "You wanna top from the bottom again, huh? I don't think so this time."

Jachin commanded me to kneel. He restrained my arms behind my back and tied them tight using nylons. He took a belt, a metal studded double hole belt, and collared me with it, using the excess length as my leash. He found a silk scarf and tied it tightly around my eyes. Then he took his very thick, very hard cock, and shoved it down my throat, fisting his hands in my thick curls, and pulling my face up tight against his body. He made me gag on him repeatedly, commanding me to open wider for him so that he could get the head of his cock into my throat, and finally feel me swallow him. He fucked my mouth harder, and then shook me, making me go over onto the floor so that he could slam his cock into my pussy. Sucking cock makes me wet, and I was very very wet. But taking Jachin inside of my body is always tight, simply because he is so thick. He didn't give me time to acclimate, he just shoved in hard and fast, holding my leash, and slapping my ass over and over to feel it's heat. My hands had slipped out of their restraints when I'd gone onto the floor, and he stopped fucking long enough to haul me up, get my hands tied back, and lead me over to the bed so that I could lean over it. The restraints were very loose, and he told me that I better hold on and not let go, or the consequences would be very bad. I know Jachin well enough to say that he'd hold true to that promise, and I held on, no matter what. He took his own belt, folded it in quarters, and flogged my ass with it. It was excruciating, it was way more than I'd ever taken before, and I had a moment of doubt about the whole episode. But just as I was thinking it was time to try and remember that damn safe word...and hope that HE remembered what it was too LOL...he'd stop the flogging and slam his cock right up against my cervix again. He was amazing.



Jachin could see my ass turning about 50 shades of purple, and he knew I was reaching my limit. He pushed me up onto the bed, and grabbed the leash yanking my head up and back. It became a choke chain, much more effective than just his hand as it applied even pressure all the way around. He finished like that, with a death grip on the choke chain, screaming out his huge release. He took a moment to whisper in my ear "Blog about THAT!" I could feel his heart pounding against my back as he worked quickly to take the collar off and let me breathe again. He made sure everything on me was working right, lol, and he cleaned me up and let me rest. I didn't feel sore just then, I felt positively euphoric. I was also horny as hell, and I needed to cum about 5 more times. Jachin refused, telling me I'd have to wait for Malcolm to finish it. Bastard. I begged him for his hand, for a finger, to let me suck his cock while I finished myself. He wouldn't give at all. Apparently the two guys have worked out a system, and my lot was to have to wait a day and face Malcolm with what I'd done with Jachin. I wasn't sure how that was going to go over.



Of course Malcolm and I talked about it. He laughed his evil laugh and assured me I had more discipline coming from him. But that's a different blog, true?

New Year's Eve, 2009

Yep, it's been a long time coming. I've been thinking about this blog a bit, scratching my head as to what to write. I know someone has been going insane waiting for it, and it really has been long enough, so I guess I'll try to put it all into words.

New Year's Eve is a holiday that brings me incredibly mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want to like it, want to celebrate it and make merry. On the other, I've been let down so many times in the past, that I always rather approach New Years now with cautious feet. And don't get me wrong, Jachin wasn't the only man to ever let me down on New Year's Eve. Baby Daddy did a couple of times as well. Perhaps my expectations are just too high.

THIS New Years, though, was good. Not fantastic, but it was solid. We hosted a party with Affinity again, down in beautiful Ogunquit. Smallish crowd, but a fantastic one, and all the makings for a fantastic party. Unbelievable buffet, great DJ, sexy people, champagne, and a hospitality room to make merry in. LOL...
Malcolm, whose birthday IS NYE, was not available. One condition that he made clear when we started dating almost 2 years ago now was that this is one holiday he doesn't bend on for anyone. I do understand, really. It would be a nightmare of wounded baby mama feelings all around, so he just says a general no. I wasn't left to my own devices, he made sure I'd be taken care of. It was all good.

We've come full circle, Jachin and I. Most of our biggest past relationship foibles can be traced back to one New Year's celebration or another. He made sure that this year, he'd be a perfect date. Mostly on time, LOL, at least as on time as he can get. And he had an amazing time, it was such an indescribably joy to watch him having FUN again. Laughing, teasing, and flirting with people he either hasn't seen in a long time, or people that became his new friends. People just love him and his quirky sense of humor. Even when we were a couple, he always charmed people with his wit and his sarcasm. I didn't have alot of time to spend by his side, as I was the hostess. But for the few moments I did, well, he made them fun and loving. He danced with me, which made me laugh. He had champagne ready for me at midnite. He was there to hold me when I was stressing out. And he was there to help me with all the grunt work afterwards. And in his very VERY Jachin way, he promptly passed out by 1 am. LOLOLOL. I haven't laughed that long and hard in such a long time as when I found him on the bed in our room, arms out by his side, sport coat all askew, and him snoring like a logger in the Yukon. How can anyone NOT love this guy??? We quietly closed the door on him and went to play in the hospitality suite for a spell, and when I'd had enough, I went back to him to put him to bed.

Jachin had become incredibly nostalgic as the evening wore on. It was hard not to, really.... I mean, we'd celebrated the last 2 or 3 years of our relationship on New Year's with Merava at that same spot. And there are so many memories of US there. The things we did together, our friends, our....life. He'd tried to trap me in our room around 11:15 to "talk". Really REALLY bad timing, considering I was hosting a countdown to Midnight. But I stayed for a few moments with him, and we talked. He wanted to know if I understood how much he loves me. And yes, Jachin, I do. I understand it every day when he takes care of both my daughter and I in a million different ways, from providing her birtday party, to changing my oil, to making sure I have a phone and a bluetooth to make it home safe in a storm. I've always known how much he cares no matter the times I may not have known why he did the things he did....his love for me was never in question, I was always sure it was there. We are both happy now though...happier as best friends that get all their benefits again if that's what the mood raises. Would I want a relationship with him again? No. And he assured me he felt the same, that we function so much better when we're not dating. He says he knew, at the end of our relationship that he wasn't making me happy anymore, that he didn't want to see me cry anymore because of the things he did. I told him that I was just glad that he'd finally come to a point where he didn't have to lie to me all the time anymore. That all I wanted from him was the truth, and to just let me deal with the rest. As friends, he feels free to tell me the truth. And he knows I found some happiness with Malcolm. He also says he knows that Malcolm is in love with me, and he doesn't want to mess with it.

Spending the night with Jachin was....interesting. Now, he's stayed over at my house more than a little bit, but we don't sleep together. I have to say, and Jachin knows this, that I HATE sleeping with him. I'm a terribly lite sleeper, and he can crack cement with his snoring. Thankfully I'd forced him to bring his breathing machine. It's not actually his snoring that keeps me awake. It's all the NOT breathing he does that frightens me enough to keep rolling him over, and jabbing him in the ribs, and kicking him. Truthfully he hates sleeping with me too because he wakes up sore. LOL, but I'm not gonna let him suffocate to death. So I got him undressed, into bed, and I shoved his CPap up his nose. It was like a cork! Blissful silence, and his warm body curling around me. Not that I could sleep of course. I apparently caught the flu, and spent the night coughing a lung up. I finally quieted the cough around 5 am, and rested for the few hours until Jachin woke me up with his massive hard on.

This is a sex blog, after all. LOLOL.

I knew Jachin wanted some morning head. He loves to get his cock sucked, and usually, I'm good for it. But stuffed up as I was, I managed to let him know that unless he was prepared to deal with ginormous snot bubbles, there was no way on God's green earth that I could manage sucking his cock. I happen to know intimately that Jachin has issues with most body fluids. LOL, and it was a sure way to get out of sucking his dick. But it would NOT get me out of being fucked by him. We didn't have an audience, it was just him and I, alone. And it had been a while since I'd done him...
Surprisingly, Jachin was gentle and loving. No beatings, no rough sex. He made me squirt for the first time ever with him, slowly fucking my pussy with just the right rhythm until it happened. He made me cum multiple times. He'd smack my cervix with his long thick cock, and make it hurt just a little bit, just that overwhelmed feeling of being filled up to bursting for a minute, not sure if it's too much or just enough. Then he'd draw out and slam it back again. When he finally came like a madman, screaming out his endless release, he held me tight while I came one final time, reliving what we'd just finished. He does love to hear me cum. I can honestly say that when Jachin cums, he cums buckets, and it's always turned me on to be able to play in his cum. If I have one fantasy I'd love to live out, it would be to have Malcolm watch while Jachin came on my body, maybe on my face and mouth. Then to have Malcolm rub it on me and let me lick it off his fingers, or to fuck me while Jachin's cum was all over me. Just a thought. As for Jachin? Well, he hates having sex in front of an audience, so we'd have to give him plenty of audio and visual stimulation. But I know the guys have already talked about it, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Jachin and I are solid as long as we don't go carrying on a torrid sex affair behind Malcolm's back...and really, we don't need to. Malcolm's more than happy to carry it on with us. LOLOL
Happy New Year.

Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

This movie was and is perhaps my favorite Disney musical of all time. It still makes me choke up, still makes me root for the anti hero, still makes me remember a time in my life where all I wanted was a prince to make everything ok in my life.

I remember, when I came home from college a broken girl, nothing left inside but a vacant darkness, sick, and wishing for that time before I'd bitten the cursed apple from the garden of Eden. I wanted the simple uncomplicated life back, something you lose forever when you discover knowledge and experience, good and bad. I remember trimming the tree while watching Beauty and the Beast, and to this day it's a tradition I keep up every year. Because there are so many important lessons in this movie, so many real life scenarios. Things like the Prince isn't always perfect. Things like meeting the right man doesn't solve all the problems in your life. Things like love requires compromise and patience, humor and understanding. Things like sometimes real life interferes in even the best romance, no matter how great someones intentions are.

Tonight, as I watched it with my sick but recovering daughter, I thought about Malcolm. And it struck another chord in me, made me remember how it all started for us. LOL, so no, Malcolm definitely is not the Beast, but perhaps I was. Unsure, awkward, occasionally hating the way I looked and allowing it to color the way I interacted with others. But I remember after meeting him how I was resolved to keep it casual, to keep him as a friend in my life, someone who could bring me moments of brightness and pleasure as I struggled, at the time, to reconstruct my life anew. I remember, after the 4th or 5th time I spent the day with him feeling like something had changed, like something was happening. I wasn't sure if it was just me or not, after all....women do have that unique ability to construct whole relationships solely in the midst of their imaginations, and I was terrified that was the case. So I put it out there for him to answer, to see if I was getting ahead of myself. But no, he confirmed that things were changing, ever so slightly, and slowly, for him as well. It was scary, that change from friend to more. And just like the song says, neither one of us were prepared for it. Neither one of us had been expecting it.

Every day, still, is a surprise. Things are the same, yet subtly better as time goes on. We fight, not angrily. We argue, with love. We make love, we have ridiculous raunchy sex. We live our lives together and separately. But we are connected. As his flower, I am transformed, and I am his beauty. Nobody Else's opinion really matters after that, true?

Malcolm and I have both learned, this year, that we can be wrong, and be wrong to each other. We've also learned to compromise, to care for each other's feelings, and to come back stronger again and again. As he apologized to me yet again for his harshness in October, finally, FINALLY understanding my then angst over allowing a viper in the pit, he admitted that he needed to hear me more, and prejudge less. I hardly ever jump to hysterics for nothing, and this tape did indeed play itself out to the end exactly as anticipated. I love him more for being the man he is, for being able to come to my conclusion on his own in the end, and for doing the right thing at last.

It's not a perfect relationship, and beautiful as he is, he's not a perfect man. But he is pretty perfect for me. Our relationship makes us work, makes us compromise for each other to keep each other happy. It's not a new formula for making a relationship work. Honesty, integrity, patience, and lots and lots of humor and love. Lots of people give us the hairy eyebrow when they see the guts of our relationship and how it works. The important thing is that it works for us, and works well. And in the end, isn't the important thing THAT you make it work, and not HOW you make it work?