I was sure I'd be in this lifestyle forever. I remember having arguments with friends that would say they just wanted to go back to a vanilla life. How do you do that....go back? Can you ever really leave it behind you?
I remember having a hard time concentrating on anything beyond the next party, or encounter...constantly thinking about reading message boards, and conversation threads.
I used to be so adamant that it's like an intrinsic part of you that can't just be switched off. That it represented a piece of your soul...something that made you...you. And yet.
When we started in this lifestyle, more than a decade ago now, we seized it by the horns. We were active partners swinging, and we pursued our private game of D/s. It was delicious.
Over the years we met more and more bullshitters, people who would talk you to death about how fantastic they were. How seriously they were going to blow your mind. And the encounters would leave me thinking...really? Is that IT, that's what you got? How is it so.....less than mediocre, and why am I doing this?
And here I am today, bored beyond belief with a constant need to roll my eyes and think, GTFOH. All these damaged people with their delicate souls, all the people needing to regale me with tales of how amazing they are, how kinky they are, and how they will rock my world like no other before or after them. All these people with their need to create and extend drama so that the shit storm of attention continues to focus around them. And what? I am just....nope.
This thing I loved, this lifestyle that I fought for and literally put blood, sweat, money, and tears in; the years of hosting, of building something up from nothing over and over again....
I am so empty inside for it. It has come to mean nothing. It has come to be annoying in it's shallowness.
And so I wonder, how did I end up in this ennuie? I feel scorn for it, when I don't remember a reason for being angry. The world I built up seems trite, it's inhabitants, some but not all, seem fake and ridiculous. Opportunistic. I am Jaded. Returned to my lair to be alone and shun the thing that meant the world to me. How did this come to be?
