I took a break from the Internet for awhile, not from everything of course, as email and bank accounts and things like that will always be essential. But definitely a break from a lot of things I love to do online....blog, Facebook, and online gaming.
The holidays came, and my mother's health became more and more precarious. I needed the time I normally spent online to create a holiday to outshine all holidays. After all, how would you do it, if you know this was going to be a person's last Christmas, last New Year's, last Thanksgiving...on and on. It's intensely emotionally draining, and as equally fulfilling. It also requires time and focus. I'm glad I did it, no matter what.
Time with Malcolm has been equally precious, and equally limited. Going back to work full time curtailed my being his beck and call girl, and very much reset his attitude towards me in terms of accessibility. I hate that men and women have to play games, but really, they seem to be a necessary evil in the balancing of logic and hormone. It's interesting to watch our relationship evolve, to watch HIM grow and change and to see myself doing the same. I'm no longer in awe of him, just comfortable at last and strong enough to stand up to him and command his love and respect. I don't coddle him, I needle him every chance I get. He has enough women in his life to fawn over him, he needs at least one that will put the brakes on and say HEY!!! YOU ARE FLIPPING WRONG!!! We laugh so much more now, and we have conversations about something other than his roommate or the crazy bitches in Jachin's life.
Jachin is gone from both of our lives. It's a bit uncomfortable, somewhat bittersweet, and more relieving to be done with the dog and pony show....and all the drama it created around everyone he came into contact with. All the lies, the manipulations just gone. And yes, I do miss him to some extent, but I don't miss the everyday horror show he brought to my life with all of his nonsense. Nor do I miss his ability to make me feel sorry for him or guilty or pushed into helping him beyond what is comfortable for me. It's a shame really to look back and realize that I had the lowest of expectations from him, and still managed to be disappointed. It's hard to comprehend how someone can be so completely mercenary in their intents that they would literally use up a resource until it was gone, and then move on to the next.
Malcolm is helping me look back on the past with different eyes. I see now that the timing of Jachin's "breakup" with me wasn't ironic, it was calculated. He realized, when I lost my job, that the bank of Lilith would be closing and that he wouldn't be able to rely on me for funds anymore. It was opportunistic of him, at that point, to have someone else waiting in the wings, as he always does, that could then continue to provide him with the necessary funds to carry on his way of life. He essentially lives like a gigolo, allowing women to support him. He'll kick in money every once in awhile, to make you think he's contributing, but really....what you give is way more than what you'll ever ever receive. Jachin once told me that he'd never let me go because he'd never had a real friend like me in his life before. Sadly, Jachin doesn't know how to be a friend. He's incapable of being there for someone besides himself. He's really only interested in someone when it somehow enhances his own life or well being. He definitely has never really learned how to love another person. People are merely a means to an end for him. I've watched him mow a path thru a number of women, not least of which was Medusa. It became more and more uncomfortable to watch him lie and maneuver thru them, all the while knowing exactly how he operated. If there was one gift he gave me, besides a cell phone, it was the gift of knowing him exactly how he really was. A mixed blessing that, to actually witness his lies and perfidy as they related to other people, and not really be able to say anything.
Meanwhile, Malcolm let me know about his conversations with Medusa, and how she herself is searching for answers. I am thankful for his pledge to honesty with me. Although I can sense his discomfort in discussing it, he knows that to not do so would be akin to me secretly talking with Jachin and not telling him. He'd be furious after everything that happened. He asked before he befriended, and has kept me up to date on all of their conversations. I value his trust in my character to respond to him appropriately. And that's what we are really working on lately, trust. Time will tell. She's mistaken, however, if she thinks Malcolm really knows the whole story. While he knows bits and pieces, he doesn't know every ugly detail. He only knows about the women he saw, which was a lot, granted, but not all. Jachin made sure I knew every ugly detail. Whether to hurt me or to have me be his conscience on some level, he told me about them all, and in gory detail.
I regret allowing myself to be caught up in the drama and for inflicting him on Malcolm. I regret the turmoil it caused in our relationship. I feel badly for the women in his life that he totally railroaded although as Malcolm says, it wasn't my responsibility to alert them, and they wouldn't have listened anyways. I don't regret having known Jachin, he certainly is a character, and there definitely were some good times in there. He always knew how to make me laugh. He's a hard person NOT to like, his showmanship is flawless. However, one thing Jachin is not is a good liar. He tells so many lies that he can't honestly keep track of them all. I knew how to crack his code when I was ready to accept the truth. For any woman that bothers to look, the signs are all there, it's just a matter of listening to your gut, and not rationalizing it to make it fit the story you want to be real. Jachin is amazingly in-your-face about his activities. He prides himself on getting away with stuff right under someones nose. I have scores of incredibly hurtful stories, but I refuse to perpetrate more drama on his behalf. It stops here.
What I do enjoy now, with Malcolm, is peace. Perhaps it's a naivete on my part, again, but things are so much easier without someone always trying to sabotage you. Our life is comfortable again, and I enjoy it as much now, a full 3 years later, as I did in the beginning when it was all new and effervescent. It's still complicated, but still so intrinsically fulfilling for me. That connection we share, not simply sexually, but mind to mind.....I treasure that most of all. In fact, he's been away for a few days and I miss the time we usually spend talking to each other. It's so quiet without him available to talk to. Thankfully tomorrow is a new day, and he'll be home. We'll have lots to talk about again, and I definitely look forward to poking the mess out of his bear.
